Calmcat
25-09-18, 10:54
Hi All
Well it has been years since i have posted on this forum but i have my anxiety back and i just can't shake it since mid August, i am trying exercise (which works temporarily), getting out and about, and i have a session with a counsellor but shes busy so its not for 3 weeks. I have forgotten a lot of my coping strategies so I am a bit lost.
Its when I wake up i suddenly feel a rush of Adrenalin and my heart pounds and i get that dread feeling and i either get up immediately and go to the gym (which i can't really afford) or i struggle through, but usually over the years i have maybe one day like this feeling a bit off then i am back to normal, as it is usually caused by PMT or if i'm a bit ill or something little, but this time i am having more off days than OK days. I keep thinking i'm coming through it but I'm not and little things affect me. Work is high pressure and i am usually alone in the office with a lot of freedom and i usually thrive on it but at the moment i can feel overwhelmed but then when i get into it i forget and feel fine.
So what has happened to kick this off:
1. I bought a new house in the summer in a new area that i know from socialising there, the new place still doesn't feel like home
2. 6 days before i moved my parents also moved out of the family home- bad timing but they bought a new build and it just happened to be ready at the same time i moved.
3. My dad got diagnosed with bowel cancer, had a major op the month before we all moved house my parents didn't tell me he was having any investigations as they knew i had a lot on my plate as i had all the house stress, until he was due to have the op. I understand why they did it but i didn't have time to come to terms with it slowly. Dad is now just coming to the end of 12 weeks of chemo- but 3 weeks into that he ended up in hospital with a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in his lung) which is very serious and I thought he was going to die.
On top of this:
4. I have a great new boyfriend (since May) who is amazing, thoughtful, understanding but the anxiety keeps making me terrified it will end- this one is more a symptom of the anxiety rather than a cause i think. I've cried a bit when drunk and he is still great. I am scared i'm going to push him away. It is worth pointing out he has suffered from this once but it had a cause and he got better very fast so he does understand to a point but i don't want him thinking his new girlfriend is nuts, nor do i want to keep anything from him. He said he can see i am not in a happy place and we need to sort me out. He passed up a last minute free ticket to a big sports event a few weeks ago so i wouldn't be left alone because he understood i am feeling vulnerable.
5. After a 2 year break i am back on the pill, i read it can cause anxiety but i took it for 17 years previously and the majority of that time i had no anxiety problems. I want to keep taking it but can't shake that it is making this worse- but this worry could also just be a symptom of anxiety. Maybe it is not the cause but not helpful either so when i am back on an even keel i will be fine on the pill.
I think it was dads pulmonary embolism that tipped me over.
I feel tearful when anxious.
Ultimately i am a creature of routine and EVERYTHING has changed in my life. Everything is new, i have a new commute to work, a new gym to go to, new supermarket to find my way around, The sanctuary of my family home is gone, my parents new house is lovely but its 20 miles in the opposite direction. Dad would have been about all the time mending and doing DIY in my new house but he has been too sick with the chemo. Mum would have stayed over once a week like she used to but with dad being ill she couldn't. I spend a lot of time at my boyfriends house, i feel safe and at home with him at his, he even said he will give me a key- wow- but i need to spend time in my own home to make it feel like home, it just feels like a building and it is lonely. My boyf has a dog and i have a cat so we are trying to introduce them so we can spend more nights together.
Ultimately when i am in an anxiety pit all i can think of is that my lovely boyfriend will leave me. I know this is the cycle of fearful thoughts you get when anxious and this time they have grabbed onto the one subject that really scares me. We have booked a holiday in December and he has introduced me to his whole family so we are FINE and i wish i could just feel calm. I hate this and it feel like i am never going to be better again, i know this is just a symptom as it is hard to see normality when you are in the midst of it all.
I also don't want to take citalopram again, i took in in the past and it did help but i was really bad that time and it was the things i did that got me out of it, the medicine was just a crutch to support me.
Just writing this has helped but if anyone has any words of wisdom or support I would really appreciate it.
Well it has been years since i have posted on this forum but i have my anxiety back and i just can't shake it since mid August, i am trying exercise (which works temporarily), getting out and about, and i have a session with a counsellor but shes busy so its not for 3 weeks. I have forgotten a lot of my coping strategies so I am a bit lost.
Its when I wake up i suddenly feel a rush of Adrenalin and my heart pounds and i get that dread feeling and i either get up immediately and go to the gym (which i can't really afford) or i struggle through, but usually over the years i have maybe one day like this feeling a bit off then i am back to normal, as it is usually caused by PMT or if i'm a bit ill or something little, but this time i am having more off days than OK days. I keep thinking i'm coming through it but I'm not and little things affect me. Work is high pressure and i am usually alone in the office with a lot of freedom and i usually thrive on it but at the moment i can feel overwhelmed but then when i get into it i forget and feel fine.
So what has happened to kick this off:
1. I bought a new house in the summer in a new area that i know from socialising there, the new place still doesn't feel like home
2. 6 days before i moved my parents also moved out of the family home- bad timing but they bought a new build and it just happened to be ready at the same time i moved.
3. My dad got diagnosed with bowel cancer, had a major op the month before we all moved house my parents didn't tell me he was having any investigations as they knew i had a lot on my plate as i had all the house stress, until he was due to have the op. I understand why they did it but i didn't have time to come to terms with it slowly. Dad is now just coming to the end of 12 weeks of chemo- but 3 weeks into that he ended up in hospital with a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in his lung) which is very serious and I thought he was going to die.
On top of this:
4. I have a great new boyfriend (since May) who is amazing, thoughtful, understanding but the anxiety keeps making me terrified it will end- this one is more a symptom of the anxiety rather than a cause i think. I've cried a bit when drunk and he is still great. I am scared i'm going to push him away. It is worth pointing out he has suffered from this once but it had a cause and he got better very fast so he does understand to a point but i don't want him thinking his new girlfriend is nuts, nor do i want to keep anything from him. He said he can see i am not in a happy place and we need to sort me out. He passed up a last minute free ticket to a big sports event a few weeks ago so i wouldn't be left alone because he understood i am feeling vulnerable.
5. After a 2 year break i am back on the pill, i read it can cause anxiety but i took it for 17 years previously and the majority of that time i had no anxiety problems. I want to keep taking it but can't shake that it is making this worse- but this worry could also just be a symptom of anxiety. Maybe it is not the cause but not helpful either so when i am back on an even keel i will be fine on the pill.
I think it was dads pulmonary embolism that tipped me over.
I feel tearful when anxious.
Ultimately i am a creature of routine and EVERYTHING has changed in my life. Everything is new, i have a new commute to work, a new gym to go to, new supermarket to find my way around, The sanctuary of my family home is gone, my parents new house is lovely but its 20 miles in the opposite direction. Dad would have been about all the time mending and doing DIY in my new house but he has been too sick with the chemo. Mum would have stayed over once a week like she used to but with dad being ill she couldn't. I spend a lot of time at my boyfriends house, i feel safe and at home with him at his, he even said he will give me a key- wow- but i need to spend time in my own home to make it feel like home, it just feels like a building and it is lonely. My boyf has a dog and i have a cat so we are trying to introduce them so we can spend more nights together.
Ultimately when i am in an anxiety pit all i can think of is that my lovely boyfriend will leave me. I know this is the cycle of fearful thoughts you get when anxious and this time they have grabbed onto the one subject that really scares me. We have booked a holiday in December and he has introduced me to his whole family so we are FINE and i wish i could just feel calm. I hate this and it feel like i am never going to be better again, i know this is just a symptom as it is hard to see normality when you are in the midst of it all.
I also don't want to take citalopram again, i took in in the past and it did help but i was really bad that time and it was the things i did that got me out of it, the medicine was just a crutch to support me.
Just writing this has helped but if anyone has any words of wisdom or support I would really appreciate it.