thebrokenrunner
26-09-18, 14:00
I am suffering with either severe health anxiety or cancer.
Sadly, the only way I feel I can answer it is by being diagnosed with cancer, because while I am not diagnosed, the health anxiety will exist. But that is the paradox that is Health anxiety.
For the last year I have questioned every ache, every pain, every sensation in my body. I have given up living my life, I am unhappy, depressed and spend every waking moment thinking about what I may have or reassuring myself what I don't have. I spend most of my day on Google, trying to find any link to what I am feeling to what it might be. Sometimes I want just the reassurance that I "probably haven't" got a particular cancer, to other times trying to catch it early to increase my likelihood of cure; then at the darkest times almost trying to convince myself that I am right and the Doctors are wrong.
In this last year I have diagnosed myself with a brain tumour, heart problems, lung cancer, stomach cancer, bowel cancer, oesophageal cancer. I am currently sitting at lung cancer, and/or cancer that has spread all around my body. I have had blood tests, physical examinations, chest xray, endoscope, ECG, eye tests, hearing tests. I even paid for a complete health check. The results? I have GERD, but other than that everything is normal. The only things that were not normal were an excellent level of Cholesterol, and an athletic Heart Rate. One doctor even commented that he would like my blood test results.
I guess this is where the whole juxtaposition of it all sits. In the last year, I have completed 2 marathons, run countless miles every other day, in fact I have a 6 mile race coming up just next week; yet I am about to go to my Dr in 2 days time and tell him that I think I have lung cancer. The same cancer I thought I had a year ago, which seemingly has not progressed. Yet, in the back of my mind, all I can think is that this thing is hidden. Maybe my anxiety and my fitness is blocking the diagnosis, maybe the doctors refuse to look deeply as they think I am wasting their time. At my times of lucidity I am inclined to agree, I can even laugh about it.
My favourite event had to be 2 days after having had an endoscope I had a meeting with my gastroenterologist, he explained I had GERD and what to do, eat/drink etc. I then said "I have this pain in my stomach here... " and pressed my stomach... My wife looked at me in puzzlement, he looked at me in disdain and said "You have just had a camera down there, I think its fine". (This is not my worst experience with Doctors, that would have to be "we think your symptoms are due to an allergy, are you allergic to anything? "Yes animals", "ok, have you been near any cats or dogs recently?", "We have a cat, it sleeps on our bed"..... (For the non-UK amongst us, I am part of the reason the NHS is struggling)
But that is the nature of us Health Anxious. We are a funny breed that can ignore medical professionals, and take what we can from Google, or from the man in the pub who "knew someone.....". We are black or white. We either have cancer or we don't. There is no in between. I am currently experiencing the following symptoms. Pain in my stomach muscles, pain in my shoulders and a need to breath really deep. With my help of google I have diagnosed lung cancer, and stomach / pancreatic cancer. The problem, as with all of these things is that although these are symptoms of these issues, BUT they are also present in Anxiety. I have no other symptoms of lung / pancreatic cancer, but I can tick all the boxes of Anxiety. I have been to a chiropractor and a physio of late about my back/shoulder pain. They have both assessed me and told me how extremely tight my muscles are in that region. I do a desk job, so poor posture would be at fault, plus my physio said "you are hanging onto something, you are so tight". He couldn't be more wrong. I have looked up the problem with my stomach muscles, one of the causes... Extreme emotional stress.
Just writing this helps, I feel a bit more relief, the pain doesn't feel too bad, I feel more relaxed, my shoulders are not round my ears and have fallen closer to where they should be. I have started stretching and foam rolling, which helps, I can breath well, and the horrible desire to breath deep goes. I can stand up feeling quite normal. My best friend and I laugh that I must have a magic foam roller that cures cancer. I know that its not a laughing matter, but I have to try to make light of this, to try to stave off the dark thoughts. As when the dark thoughts hit, they hit hard.
It was the dark thoughts that led me here, my relentless searching for answers, for reassurance. I was having a bad day, I felt close to breaking point, trapped inside this torture; and it is torture. I decided to write, which has helped. The voice is still there but it is quieter while I do this. I question whether I will ever wake up feeling normal, with a spring in my step, like I used to. But I am taking each day as it comes. Doing what I have been told to do, to breath, "try" to relax, not read google (unsuccessful), carry on exercising even when I don't feel like it, and particularly to not self medicate with alcohol, when a lot of the pain can disappear. I am seeing a psychologist, which helps, it helps to talk, just hearing your own voice helps the process of seeing the rational side. I want to live again, so I will keep digging away at it, until it falls into place. That might not be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but I have to keep trying. I have a family that need me to smile again, I don't want to snap at my young children because my mind is occupied worrying.
If you got to this point thanks for taking it on, it helped me writing this, and maybe you will take something from it too.
If you want to spend more time with me, I want to leave you with a couple of thoughts that I am trying to hold onto, to take me back to rational thinking.
A few years ago I got a pain in my knee. I couldn't run, walking was a struggle. I thought serious damage. The pain was so sharp when going up stairs, I wanted to cry. Arthritis and knee issues ran in the family, so being the negative person I was I was convinced it was something serious that would stop my running career and leave me hobbling for the rest of my life. I was thinking knee replacements. I persevered with a physio, nothing, I then went to see someone else. I was diagnosed with a tight IT band, (it runs from your bum to you knee). I foam rolled my bum most nights, within weeks the pain had gone. I never dreamt that the pain would ever go, but it did. The body is a very complex thing, and I never dreamt that something so simple could have such a massive effect, and so much pain!
Having spoken with my psychologist, he made me think about it all from a different perspective. He can't tell me if I have or haven't got cancer, but he pointed out my current state. My body is so highly strung, I am permanently on the brink of flight or fight... What good is that if I really do have something wrong? Think of the army that never sleeps through fear of being attacked. If they are attacked could they fight better having not slept, or being well rested and physically and mentally in a better state. I know is all very hard to consider, but try, even for a moment, even just to give a momentary break from the other thoughts.
Last but not least, its not just you fighting this battle. No one knows the battles we are all taking, don't think its just you, don't think that no-one else understands. Talk about it, open up, by whatever forum. Just saying or writing the words helps. It doesn't make you different, or weak, or less of a person. From the outside, I have it all, I am financially successful, a beautiful wife and children, I can do what I want, when I want. I am seemingly fit, I run marathons, I "look" well. But hidden deep inside is this torment, and trying to lock it away doesn't help. I frustrate myself with questions of "why me?" and "how did this happen?". I can't answer them, but I can focus on getting myself well. As much as my brain tells me not to do the things that will help, I have to. I have to ignore my brain, its not serving me well at the moment, so I have to put my trust in others.
We will get there...
Sorry to sound off! It helped me! Try it... Just reply, and talk it through.
Sadly, the only way I feel I can answer it is by being diagnosed with cancer, because while I am not diagnosed, the health anxiety will exist. But that is the paradox that is Health anxiety.
For the last year I have questioned every ache, every pain, every sensation in my body. I have given up living my life, I am unhappy, depressed and spend every waking moment thinking about what I may have or reassuring myself what I don't have. I spend most of my day on Google, trying to find any link to what I am feeling to what it might be. Sometimes I want just the reassurance that I "probably haven't" got a particular cancer, to other times trying to catch it early to increase my likelihood of cure; then at the darkest times almost trying to convince myself that I am right and the Doctors are wrong.
In this last year I have diagnosed myself with a brain tumour, heart problems, lung cancer, stomach cancer, bowel cancer, oesophageal cancer. I am currently sitting at lung cancer, and/or cancer that has spread all around my body. I have had blood tests, physical examinations, chest xray, endoscope, ECG, eye tests, hearing tests. I even paid for a complete health check. The results? I have GERD, but other than that everything is normal. The only things that were not normal were an excellent level of Cholesterol, and an athletic Heart Rate. One doctor even commented that he would like my blood test results.
I guess this is where the whole juxtaposition of it all sits. In the last year, I have completed 2 marathons, run countless miles every other day, in fact I have a 6 mile race coming up just next week; yet I am about to go to my Dr in 2 days time and tell him that I think I have lung cancer. The same cancer I thought I had a year ago, which seemingly has not progressed. Yet, in the back of my mind, all I can think is that this thing is hidden. Maybe my anxiety and my fitness is blocking the diagnosis, maybe the doctors refuse to look deeply as they think I am wasting their time. At my times of lucidity I am inclined to agree, I can even laugh about it.
My favourite event had to be 2 days after having had an endoscope I had a meeting with my gastroenterologist, he explained I had GERD and what to do, eat/drink etc. I then said "I have this pain in my stomach here... " and pressed my stomach... My wife looked at me in puzzlement, he looked at me in disdain and said "You have just had a camera down there, I think its fine". (This is not my worst experience with Doctors, that would have to be "we think your symptoms are due to an allergy, are you allergic to anything? "Yes animals", "ok, have you been near any cats or dogs recently?", "We have a cat, it sleeps on our bed"..... (For the non-UK amongst us, I am part of the reason the NHS is struggling)
But that is the nature of us Health Anxious. We are a funny breed that can ignore medical professionals, and take what we can from Google, or from the man in the pub who "knew someone.....". We are black or white. We either have cancer or we don't. There is no in between. I am currently experiencing the following symptoms. Pain in my stomach muscles, pain in my shoulders and a need to breath really deep. With my help of google I have diagnosed lung cancer, and stomach / pancreatic cancer. The problem, as with all of these things is that although these are symptoms of these issues, BUT they are also present in Anxiety. I have no other symptoms of lung / pancreatic cancer, but I can tick all the boxes of Anxiety. I have been to a chiropractor and a physio of late about my back/shoulder pain. They have both assessed me and told me how extremely tight my muscles are in that region. I do a desk job, so poor posture would be at fault, plus my physio said "you are hanging onto something, you are so tight". He couldn't be more wrong. I have looked up the problem with my stomach muscles, one of the causes... Extreme emotional stress.
Just writing this helps, I feel a bit more relief, the pain doesn't feel too bad, I feel more relaxed, my shoulders are not round my ears and have fallen closer to where they should be. I have started stretching and foam rolling, which helps, I can breath well, and the horrible desire to breath deep goes. I can stand up feeling quite normal. My best friend and I laugh that I must have a magic foam roller that cures cancer. I know that its not a laughing matter, but I have to try to make light of this, to try to stave off the dark thoughts. As when the dark thoughts hit, they hit hard.
It was the dark thoughts that led me here, my relentless searching for answers, for reassurance. I was having a bad day, I felt close to breaking point, trapped inside this torture; and it is torture. I decided to write, which has helped. The voice is still there but it is quieter while I do this. I question whether I will ever wake up feeling normal, with a spring in my step, like I used to. But I am taking each day as it comes. Doing what I have been told to do, to breath, "try" to relax, not read google (unsuccessful), carry on exercising even when I don't feel like it, and particularly to not self medicate with alcohol, when a lot of the pain can disappear. I am seeing a psychologist, which helps, it helps to talk, just hearing your own voice helps the process of seeing the rational side. I want to live again, so I will keep digging away at it, until it falls into place. That might not be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but I have to keep trying. I have a family that need me to smile again, I don't want to snap at my young children because my mind is occupied worrying.
If you got to this point thanks for taking it on, it helped me writing this, and maybe you will take something from it too.
If you want to spend more time with me, I want to leave you with a couple of thoughts that I am trying to hold onto, to take me back to rational thinking.
A few years ago I got a pain in my knee. I couldn't run, walking was a struggle. I thought serious damage. The pain was so sharp when going up stairs, I wanted to cry. Arthritis and knee issues ran in the family, so being the negative person I was I was convinced it was something serious that would stop my running career and leave me hobbling for the rest of my life. I was thinking knee replacements. I persevered with a physio, nothing, I then went to see someone else. I was diagnosed with a tight IT band, (it runs from your bum to you knee). I foam rolled my bum most nights, within weeks the pain had gone. I never dreamt that the pain would ever go, but it did. The body is a very complex thing, and I never dreamt that something so simple could have such a massive effect, and so much pain!
Having spoken with my psychologist, he made me think about it all from a different perspective. He can't tell me if I have or haven't got cancer, but he pointed out my current state. My body is so highly strung, I am permanently on the brink of flight or fight... What good is that if I really do have something wrong? Think of the army that never sleeps through fear of being attacked. If they are attacked could they fight better having not slept, or being well rested and physically and mentally in a better state. I know is all very hard to consider, but try, even for a moment, even just to give a momentary break from the other thoughts.
Last but not least, its not just you fighting this battle. No one knows the battles we are all taking, don't think its just you, don't think that no-one else understands. Talk about it, open up, by whatever forum. Just saying or writing the words helps. It doesn't make you different, or weak, or less of a person. From the outside, I have it all, I am financially successful, a beautiful wife and children, I can do what I want, when I want. I am seemingly fit, I run marathons, I "look" well. But hidden deep inside is this torment, and trying to lock it away doesn't help. I frustrate myself with questions of "why me?" and "how did this happen?". I can't answer them, but I can focus on getting myself well. As much as my brain tells me not to do the things that will help, I have to. I have to ignore my brain, its not serving me well at the moment, so I have to put my trust in others.
We will get there...
Sorry to sound off! It helped me! Try it... Just reply, and talk it through.