cactuarjon
27-09-18, 14:26
I'm sorry that this is long. But I need to get out the raw actions of what happened/is happening while i still feel able to. This is just one event of many that just feels like an unending circle of hell that I am completely powerless to stop. I want this to be the last time I am in this situation. (Note that work are unaware of my mental health problems, though I have assumed that they may suspect during my time working here).
So two days ago I sent a document to a colleague so they can assist me in my current project at work. Yesterday morning they got back in touch with amendments to the document but in a way that I did not expect.
I saw the sheet and it looked confusing so decided it would be best to deal with it after lunch. I would have struggled and wasted time trying to decipher what Karl (the guy I sent the sheet to) had done if I dealt with it there and then. But Tim (the manager overseeing the project) saw it and then began trying to determine how to incorporate the new data into existing data. Probably something I could have sorted out had I the time to look at it properly. I did not get to have the time. The more questions Tim asked about it - making me feel like I had done something wrong that I could have easily avoided - something that I could not have because at the time of sending the doc to Karl, my brain had already set out the plan for it. Checking with Tim to confirm this course of action did not signal up in my thoughts at the time. There was zero evidence in my mind that I needed to do that.
Then Tim starts fetching everyone else in - getting other people involved and I’m starting to feel like a big bulging zit on someone’s face in a place where everyone’s going to notice it and Tims the one squeezing at it. Then I burst and everyone goes ‘Ew!’.
And then Tim decides he wants to remind me of the error I’ve made, and to outline it and shove it in my face (though not aggressively). But I can’t respond, or explain or anything because at this point my emotions are out of control and i’m giving it everything I have to stop tears streaming down my face and they already are. The harder I fight, the faster the tears come and I can't stop them, so to add onto my frustration of not being able to explain to Tim calmly and clearly, I now have embarrassment to deal with. And my brain is just going on and on and on about how I can’t do anything right and it’s coming from all directions. I want to hide but I can't. Too afraid to get up because to go anywhere - toilet, kitchen, outside - I have to pass people who will see the uncontrollable tears streaming down my face.
Two st johns wort and five Kalms have not made a bit of difference.
And even after it’s all calmed down, I still cant stop crying, my brain still does not shut up.
My only option at that point is to remove myself from the situation and environment entirely, and i requested to go home.
The next day (today), I’m doing my best to brave it. I’m doing well, but then I get to work with an email waiting for me to tell me a meeting has been scheduled involving HR. So no, no one's going to forget about it anytime soon and I’m definitely not allowed to forget about it. Que more relentless attacks from my own brain. And i’m worried about the future, should I be working? I can’t not work as I have to earn a living. I’m doing my best to support my bf in uni with uni fees so he can follow his dream. I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m having to battle through benefits or scrape by with part time work on an even less wage because I simply can't handle anything more. Not to mention the project at work I am on, if they do deem I am valuable and want to keep me on, will they remove me from the project? Will they downgrade me to shitty jobs and downgrade my pay?
To top it off, the private counsellor I have been seeing has cancelled my latest appointment and has explained that he's starting to struggle to fit me in so it looks like I'm going to have to try and find someone new... or not at all since private is very expensive and right now it's just an added cost that could be more useful elsewhere.
I now have access to my meds again. There is a possibility that not taking them for a few days and then being back on them again has caused the imbalance of hormones/emotions ect and things like this can be avoided by ensuring I don’t forget to put in my prescription. Or is this something that could happen again as the pressure builds up the further life goes on and my mental health will continue to deteriorate? And because I don’t know the answer, or have any way of determining the answer, I can’t say what my next course of action is. Previous 'events' I have just shrugged off and carried on regardless. A part of me does think that I shouldn't be working, that it is making me worse. But I don't want to make excuses, I have been around people who 'claim' this and that and they joke that it's so easy to just tell your GP you're depressed to get off from working. I don't want to be one of those people. But at the same time, I need to recognise that anxiety and stress is an illness, it is a disability and I am suffering from it. But I keep telling myself that I have gone on this long, I've got by, there are people who have it much worse off than me. I can get out of bed in a morning, I can get myself on a bus, therefore I am able to work. Physically, yes. Mentally...? Questionable.
I'm desperate now to move this forward, find answers, start to fix things but every time I ask for help, or reach out for help, I still come up empty handed. I've seen my GP, I've had CBT, I've had counselling, therapy... I honestly don't know what else there is? There is an answer somewhere, there has to be.
So two days ago I sent a document to a colleague so they can assist me in my current project at work. Yesterday morning they got back in touch with amendments to the document but in a way that I did not expect.
I saw the sheet and it looked confusing so decided it would be best to deal with it after lunch. I would have struggled and wasted time trying to decipher what Karl (the guy I sent the sheet to) had done if I dealt with it there and then. But Tim (the manager overseeing the project) saw it and then began trying to determine how to incorporate the new data into existing data. Probably something I could have sorted out had I the time to look at it properly. I did not get to have the time. The more questions Tim asked about it - making me feel like I had done something wrong that I could have easily avoided - something that I could not have because at the time of sending the doc to Karl, my brain had already set out the plan for it. Checking with Tim to confirm this course of action did not signal up in my thoughts at the time. There was zero evidence in my mind that I needed to do that.
Then Tim starts fetching everyone else in - getting other people involved and I’m starting to feel like a big bulging zit on someone’s face in a place where everyone’s going to notice it and Tims the one squeezing at it. Then I burst and everyone goes ‘Ew!’.
And then Tim decides he wants to remind me of the error I’ve made, and to outline it and shove it in my face (though not aggressively). But I can’t respond, or explain or anything because at this point my emotions are out of control and i’m giving it everything I have to stop tears streaming down my face and they already are. The harder I fight, the faster the tears come and I can't stop them, so to add onto my frustration of not being able to explain to Tim calmly and clearly, I now have embarrassment to deal with. And my brain is just going on and on and on about how I can’t do anything right and it’s coming from all directions. I want to hide but I can't. Too afraid to get up because to go anywhere - toilet, kitchen, outside - I have to pass people who will see the uncontrollable tears streaming down my face.
Two st johns wort and five Kalms have not made a bit of difference.
And even after it’s all calmed down, I still cant stop crying, my brain still does not shut up.
My only option at that point is to remove myself from the situation and environment entirely, and i requested to go home.
The next day (today), I’m doing my best to brave it. I’m doing well, but then I get to work with an email waiting for me to tell me a meeting has been scheduled involving HR. So no, no one's going to forget about it anytime soon and I’m definitely not allowed to forget about it. Que more relentless attacks from my own brain. And i’m worried about the future, should I be working? I can’t not work as I have to earn a living. I’m doing my best to support my bf in uni with uni fees so he can follow his dream. I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m having to battle through benefits or scrape by with part time work on an even less wage because I simply can't handle anything more. Not to mention the project at work I am on, if they do deem I am valuable and want to keep me on, will they remove me from the project? Will they downgrade me to shitty jobs and downgrade my pay?
To top it off, the private counsellor I have been seeing has cancelled my latest appointment and has explained that he's starting to struggle to fit me in so it looks like I'm going to have to try and find someone new... or not at all since private is very expensive and right now it's just an added cost that could be more useful elsewhere.
I now have access to my meds again. There is a possibility that not taking them for a few days and then being back on them again has caused the imbalance of hormones/emotions ect and things like this can be avoided by ensuring I don’t forget to put in my prescription. Or is this something that could happen again as the pressure builds up the further life goes on and my mental health will continue to deteriorate? And because I don’t know the answer, or have any way of determining the answer, I can’t say what my next course of action is. Previous 'events' I have just shrugged off and carried on regardless. A part of me does think that I shouldn't be working, that it is making me worse. But I don't want to make excuses, I have been around people who 'claim' this and that and they joke that it's so easy to just tell your GP you're depressed to get off from working. I don't want to be one of those people. But at the same time, I need to recognise that anxiety and stress is an illness, it is a disability and I am suffering from it. But I keep telling myself that I have gone on this long, I've got by, there are people who have it much worse off than me. I can get out of bed in a morning, I can get myself on a bus, therefore I am able to work. Physically, yes. Mentally...? Questionable.
I'm desperate now to move this forward, find answers, start to fix things but every time I ask for help, or reach out for help, I still come up empty handed. I've seen my GP, I've had CBT, I've had counselling, therapy... I honestly don't know what else there is? There is an answer somewhere, there has to be.