At my absolute wits ends with health anxiety. Cant go on like this for much longer

[GingerFish]

Sorry if this in the wrong section, didn't know whether to put it in HA, OCD or depression.

From a young child I've had severe health anxiety, it was almost laughable the sort of stuff I'd worry about having but it felt real to me. Growing up, I only grew further into that anxious trait as well as developed more traits and worries and now at 26, I'd say I'm the worst I've been with it.

Each and every single day is spent checking my body for illness and if I'm worried about something in particular, such as right now it's skin cancer and extramammary Paget's disease, I can check, take pics of the areas, compare the pics etc no less than about 50+ times a day. It takes hours. Even when I'm out, it's the only thing on my mind and I go to the toilet for a sly check, have a look at the pics on my phone when no one is looking etc. I know the checking is only fueling the OCD and dear but it feels like life or death to me. It's my first and last thought every single day.

Checking/HA comes before everything else in my life which makes me feel ashamed. I check more than I tell my husband I love him or play with my cats or even eat. I don't have much support from my family tbh on this front. They are fine with panic attacks, general OCD but as soon as it's anything related to HA, I'm just a hypochondriac and they tell me to **** off sometimes as well with anger. I totally get the frustration they feel. It must have been annoying when I asked them for reassurance constantly but I have toned down a lot on that front just because I know the arguments it will cause. I rarely go out, I don't speak to friends much now, gave up hobbies. Anxiety has a full on grip. For someone who is so scared of dying, I'm living like I'm already dead.

I'm in therapy atm for this and a few other things but I am reaching the end of my sessions and I don't feel any better from it. I feel suicidal over this and again, very little support from my family because even my husband says (he has no experience with MH) "well if you're suicidal, you won't care if whatever health problems you're worried you've got kills you then so stop worrying". He's very black or white. There's no grey area when it comes to things like this so again, I keep my feelings to myself. I am involved with the crisis team but I haven't found them much help. I feel like I waste their time whenever I call because I don't have a more serious MH problem than what they are used to working with even tho the distress I'm feeling is unbearable. I feel like how I feel is offensive to those who do have serious illnesses, even like my own dad and it makes me feel like I deserve something serious.

I just feel really alone and feel like I'm never going to get out of this rut. I have a routine appt with my GP on Friday and it feels like light-years away. It's taking everything in me to not call up early tomorrow and try and get an appt with a nurse but I am determined to wait it out til Friday.

I'd hate for other people to be in the same boat me but at the same time, I'd love to talk to people who know what it's like. HA is often seen as a laughing matter when it's really not

[Sparky16]

I can relate to so much of this. Especially the checking and the amount of time it consumes. And having given up hobbies and not doing much anymore. In my case I think it is both because of the constant anxiety making it hard for me to enjoy anything, and because I'm depressed from being anxious so much.

The checking problem reminds me of a book I read about OCD. A mother was talking about her daughter's experiences, and she related a story about how her daughter asked her "How do you know the sky is blue?" She told her daughter something like "I just look at it and see that it is blue" and the daughter said, "But how do you know?" I feel like I've lost the ability to know. I find myself doubting my memory of things about my body or symptoms.

To use an analogy that does not involve HA, it would be like if I saw a red circle, and a few minutes later found myself wondering, "Is it really a circle? Maybe I was wrong and it is an octagon. I need to check again." Maybe I would need to trace the outline of the circle to make sure it is really round. And is it really red? Or is it more orange? Or pink? And then a few minutes later the whole cycle starts all over again.

I really have to avoid things that I know will start the cycle. For instance, sometimes if I'm feeling like I might spiral, I don't take showers in regular light. I use a small light in the bathroom instead so that I don't get wrapped up in comparing freckles. I suppose some might call it avoidance, but I feel like it's more like a sensible precaution at this point. There's a time and place for checking things like freckles, and that time should not occur everyday! As a plus, the mood lighting is rather relaxing.


extramammary Paget's disease
Wow, that's a longshot for someone your age. You've been Googling, right? Googling is the only reason I even know what that is. :winks:


I don't have much support from my family tbh on this front. They are fine with panic attacks, general OCD but as soon as it's anything related to HA, I'm just a hypochondriac and they tell me to **** off sometimes as well with anger.
I wish your family would see that this is OCD, it just happens to be OCD revolving around health.


I feel suicidal over this and again, very little support from my family because even my husband says (he has no experience with MH) "well if you're suicidal, you won't care if whatever health problems you're worried you've got kills you then so stop worrying".
It's not so much the being dead, it's the illness, treatment, and possible dying process that are scary. Especially if you have ever lost a family member or friend this way.


I am involved with the crisis team but I haven't found them much help. I feel like I waste their time whenever I call because I don't have a more serious MH problem than what they are used to working with even tho the distress I'm feeling is unbearable. I feel like how I feel is offensive to those who do have serious illnesses, even like my own dad and it makes me feel like I deserve something serious.
I kind of understand how you feel, but I think it's great that you have a crisis team in your area (we could sure use one here) even if they aren't a huge help, and I think that it's OK to use that resource. Obviously you're struggling right now, and that is what they are there for.

Kudos to you for waiting it out for that GP appointment on Friday. I know it is hard.

[GingerFish]

Thanks for much your reply. So sorry to hear you're in the same boat with a lot of thing as me. People often don't realise just how much something like OCD/HA can take over your life. They seem to think that it's a case of you being able to switch off your worries and compulsions as soon as it becomes inconvenient or annoying to them, let alone when it makes yourself feel awful!

The quote and analogy you used perfectly sums up OCD! Couldn't have put it better myself. I'll need to remember that when people ask me what OCD is like.

Lol yeah the Paget's disease worry is a mix of googling and then my mum's own worries. She is going through the menopause and is having some skin issues and she's jumped on that bandwagon worry. I'd never of heard of it if she hadn't mentioned it. Well, I suppose I would if I googled long enough :p it's weird because she has OCD and HA (not to my extent) and has been in and out of therapy all her life with MH stuff but shows very little empathy or compassion to me about it. She's not as blunt as my hubby though, I'll give her that

Huge thanks again for your reply. I'm debating whether I should tell the doc about how bad my HA is? What can the GP really do? I'm in therapy and they'll just me to tell my therapist which I have but she just sets me challenges like take five pics a day instead of 50 which is bloody impossible when there's been little or no build up in teaching me how to cut down. Don't get me wrong, my therapist is lovely but I don't think they either believes or gets how bad my OCD and HA. We were mainly working on CPTSD and the stuff I'm doing for OCD now is just a couple of sessions before she discharges me.

Take care :)

[ankietyjoe]

This might sound obvious, but have you tried NOT googling and NOT checking?

Health anxiety is one of the most self perpetuating anxiety's out there.

[Elen]

If you are looking to get better here is a link to the only programme recommended by NMP.

It is not a quick easy fix but it is a permanent way of controlling your anxiety.

Quote:
Originally Posted by robinhall View Post
Hi
My name is Robin Hall. I am co-author of the CBT4Panic programme that is recommended here on nomorepanic

I just wanted to let everyone know that the programme will be available permanently FREE online from now on.

You can access all the CBT workbooks, 56 Videos and emergancy audios and Therapist/Patient Dialogues at the following URL

http://cbt4panic.org/

We desperately need your support to get the website out to as many people as possible. Please check it out and share with others who might benefit.

Thanks and I wish you well on your journey of recovery.
Robin

[escapeartist]

There are ways to beat it (I think) and I had several years of being better until some big life stresses have knocked me back again.

I had CBT and otehr therapy for a long time, and I changed the way I lived my life. Having said that, this time round I am reconsidering CBT and medication.

You have something important here: you have insight. You are working to understand how your mind works and how you can help yourself to move forward. This is a big and important step in the process!! Do not underestimate that you have made the first step!

I found David Veale's book Overcoming Health Anxiety useful. It was a starting point for me to see how my mind works.

I feel for you and hope you feel better soon. I hope we all do!

[GingerFish]

This might sound obvious, but have you tried NOT googling and NOT checking?

Health anxiety is one of the most self perpetuating anxiety's out there.

Yes, I have tried not checking and not giving into other compulsions related to HA but it makes my anxiety worse, I become irritable and have even self harmed out of frustration over it all. I know that checking doesn't give much or any relief either tho. Maybe if I didn't have OCD along with HA then checking would be easier to control but as for now, it's hellish.

[Sparky16]

I haven't found that therapists have much experience or ideas of what to do with HA. Which is surprising given how common it seems to be. That's been my experience, anyway.

It sounds like your therapist might have the right idea, but maybe you need to set smaller goals for yourself to start with and work up from there. I find it helps to have something to distract myself with, like a TV show or video game. I think the best I have felt in a while was last Christmas when I was trying to figure out a song by ear at the piano. You can't think about other stuff when you are trying to hit the right note!