GingerFish
09-10-18, 23:35
Sorry if this in the wrong section, didn't know whether to put it in HA, OCD or depression.
From a young child I've had severe health anxiety, it was almost laughable the sort of stuff I'd worry about having but it felt real to me. Growing up, I only grew further into that anxious trait as well as developed more traits and worries and now at 26, I'd say I'm the worst I've been with it.
Each and every single day is spent checking my body for illness and if I'm worried about something in particular, such as right now it's skin cancer and extramammary Paget's disease, I can check, take pics of the areas, compare the pics etc no less than about 50+ times a day. It takes hours. Even when I'm out, it's the only thing on my mind and I go to the toilet for a sly check, have a look at the pics on my phone when no one is looking etc. I know the checking is only fueling the OCD and dear but it feels like life or death to me. It's my first and last thought every single day.
Checking/HA comes before everything else in my life which makes me feel ashamed. I check more than I tell my husband I love him or play with my cats or even eat. I don't have much support from my family tbh on this front. They are fine with panic attacks, general OCD but as soon as it's anything related to HA, I'm just a hypochondriac and they tell me to **** off sometimes as well with anger. I totally get the frustration they feel. It must have been annoying when I asked them for reassurance constantly but I have toned down a lot on that front just because I know the arguments it will cause. I rarely go out, I don't speak to friends much now, gave up hobbies. Anxiety has a full on grip. For someone who is so scared of dying, I'm living like I'm already dead.
I'm in therapy atm for this and a few other things but I am reaching the end of my sessions and I don't feel any better from it. I feel suicidal over this and again, very little support from my family because even my husband says (he has no experience with MH) "well if you're suicidal, you won't care if whatever health problems you're worried you've got kills you then so stop worrying". He's very black or white. There's no grey area when it comes to things like this so again, I keep my feelings to myself. I am involved with the crisis team but I haven't found them much help. I feel like I waste their time whenever I call because I don't have a more serious MH problem than what they are used to working with even tho the distress I'm feeling is unbearable. I feel like how I feel is offensive to those who do have serious illnesses, even like my own dad and it makes me feel like I deserve something serious.
I just feel really alone and feel like I'm never going to get out of this rut. I have a routine appt with my GP on Friday and it feels like light-years away. It's taking everything in me to not call up early tomorrow and try and get an appt with a nurse but I am determined to wait it out til Friday.
I'd hate for other people to be in the same boat me but at the same time, I'd love to talk to people who know what it's like. HA is often seen as a laughing matter when it's really not
From a young child I've had severe health anxiety, it was almost laughable the sort of stuff I'd worry about having but it felt real to me. Growing up, I only grew further into that anxious trait as well as developed more traits and worries and now at 26, I'd say I'm the worst I've been with it.
Each and every single day is spent checking my body for illness and if I'm worried about something in particular, such as right now it's skin cancer and extramammary Paget's disease, I can check, take pics of the areas, compare the pics etc no less than about 50+ times a day. It takes hours. Even when I'm out, it's the only thing on my mind and I go to the toilet for a sly check, have a look at the pics on my phone when no one is looking etc. I know the checking is only fueling the OCD and dear but it feels like life or death to me. It's my first and last thought every single day.
Checking/HA comes before everything else in my life which makes me feel ashamed. I check more than I tell my husband I love him or play with my cats or even eat. I don't have much support from my family tbh on this front. They are fine with panic attacks, general OCD but as soon as it's anything related to HA, I'm just a hypochondriac and they tell me to **** off sometimes as well with anger. I totally get the frustration they feel. It must have been annoying when I asked them for reassurance constantly but I have toned down a lot on that front just because I know the arguments it will cause. I rarely go out, I don't speak to friends much now, gave up hobbies. Anxiety has a full on grip. For someone who is so scared of dying, I'm living like I'm already dead.
I'm in therapy atm for this and a few other things but I am reaching the end of my sessions and I don't feel any better from it. I feel suicidal over this and again, very little support from my family because even my husband says (he has no experience with MH) "well if you're suicidal, you won't care if whatever health problems you're worried you've got kills you then so stop worrying". He's very black or white. There's no grey area when it comes to things like this so again, I keep my feelings to myself. I am involved with the crisis team but I haven't found them much help. I feel like I waste their time whenever I call because I don't have a more serious MH problem than what they are used to working with even tho the distress I'm feeling is unbearable. I feel like how I feel is offensive to those who do have serious illnesses, even like my own dad and it makes me feel like I deserve something serious.
I just feel really alone and feel like I'm never going to get out of this rut. I have a routine appt with my GP on Friday and it feels like light-years away. It's taking everything in me to not call up early tomorrow and try and get an appt with a nurse but I am determined to wait it out til Friday.
I'd hate for other people to be in the same boat me but at the same time, I'd love to talk to people who know what it's like. HA is often seen as a laughing matter when it's really not