Soda
12-10-18, 04:02
I've been having debilitating anxiety for about a week. My boyfriend and I are long distance for now. He just left after a great time a few weeks ago. Everything was fine, I was fine and then all of the sudden I just...felt numb. I'm second guessing my whole entire life, relationship and honestly feel like I don't know which way is up anymore.
I love my boyfriend so much, I know that is a fact. But lately I haven't been feeling that, physically. Although mentally I know I am, physically I feel checked out and numb about everything in my life. I'm constantly scared that I've forgotten how to love or that I am broken. This makes me feel completely....dreadful.
In my previous relationships (which were both toxic and on/off constantly) at this point it would just go into the off stage, and I'd romanticize it and process everything by myself and I know, that was toxic. I'm trying to do it right this time because I believe my boyfriend is the one so I never want to go on a break with him, and start that same on/off cycle I had so many times before. The first relationship was a man being toxic to me, and the second we were toxic for each other. But with my boyfriend, we are just right. I worked on myself a lot through therapy and am trying not to perpetrate those negative cycles in my new relationship. But I'm so afraid of messing up or doing something unhealthy in this relationship ...that I get constant anxiety. This is the best person who has ever come into my life and even the thought of hurting him in any way
But I feel like I keep disassociating, trying not to feel, checking myself to see if I feel this and that. I know that's more of an OCD aspect. I honestly don't know how to stop this anxiety, get out of my head and stop disassociating during the most crucial days of my relationship.
I love my boyfriend so much, I know that is a fact. But lately I haven't been feeling that, physically. Although mentally I know I am, physically I feel checked out and numb about everything in my life. I'm constantly scared that I've forgotten how to love or that I am broken. This makes me feel completely....dreadful.
In my previous relationships (which were both toxic and on/off constantly) at this point it would just go into the off stage, and I'd romanticize it and process everything by myself and I know, that was toxic. I'm trying to do it right this time because I believe my boyfriend is the one so I never want to go on a break with him, and start that same on/off cycle I had so many times before. The first relationship was a man being toxic to me, and the second we were toxic for each other. But with my boyfriend, we are just right. I worked on myself a lot through therapy and am trying not to perpetrate those negative cycles in my new relationship. But I'm so afraid of messing up or doing something unhealthy in this relationship ...that I get constant anxiety. This is the best person who has ever come into my life and even the thought of hurting him in any way
But I feel like I keep disassociating, trying not to feel, checking myself to see if I feel this and that. I know that's more of an OCD aspect. I honestly don't know how to stop this anxiety, get out of my head and stop disassociating during the most crucial days of my relationship.