Jellybeann24
16-10-18, 07:14
I'm so upset to be writing this. I was doing really well coping with my irrational phobia but tonight I replased very hard, I've been awake since 2am.
I have what I call a Hollywood horror movie phobia. I'm terrified of all things dark and evil but in the Hollywood movie way(does that make sense). It started very small but over the last month it's grown bigger. I don't believe in any of these things I think about and I understand how anxiety works but it doesn't stop the thoughts terrifying me. I was on Mirtazapine but I took myself off and now I'm thinking that was the wrong choice.
With Halloween coming up everywhere I look is a trigger and I'm struggling to cope with it. I feel like if I was to tell anyone what my phobia is and what frieghtens me they'll think I am insane. Today at work someone googled without knowing my phobia or things related it to it and at the time I dealt with it well but when it came time to sleep tonight it was all I could think about & then I woke up at 2am with the same thoughts.
My life is honestly wonderful, I have a great job, family and a friend's but this is ruining me. It's exhausting. I know I need therapy but I just can't afford it. I don't want to burden people because I feel like I'm going insane and that's also very scary. I have learnt about anxiety, OCD, rumination, phobias and I understand it but dealing with it for me is proving to be very very hard. I don't want to loose anyone or my anything because I can't control my thoughts.
I'm honestly terrified at this point in time.
---------- Post added at 07:14 ---------- Previous post was at 04:08 ----------
So, I went back to sleep for an hour or so. And I've woken up with the same anxiety symptoms I experienced a few weeks ago, upset stomach and for some reason I gag like I'm going to be sick, I'm really annoyed I've allowed myself to get here to be honest.
I really do understand thoughts no matter what they are, are just thoughts and the more you think about them the more power you give them. It's just how it works but my thoughts terrify me to my core(I'm sure everyone has experienced this if you suffer with gad or OCD). I'm struggling regaining control and not looking/listening to them to check if they are still there. I'm tired today and I will 100% be taking my Mirtazapine when I get home.
I have what I call a Hollywood horror movie phobia. I'm terrified of all things dark and evil but in the Hollywood movie way(does that make sense). It started very small but over the last month it's grown bigger. I don't believe in any of these things I think about and I understand how anxiety works but it doesn't stop the thoughts terrifying me. I was on Mirtazapine but I took myself off and now I'm thinking that was the wrong choice.
With Halloween coming up everywhere I look is a trigger and I'm struggling to cope with it. I feel like if I was to tell anyone what my phobia is and what frieghtens me they'll think I am insane. Today at work someone googled without knowing my phobia or things related it to it and at the time I dealt with it well but when it came time to sleep tonight it was all I could think about & then I woke up at 2am with the same thoughts.
My life is honestly wonderful, I have a great job, family and a friend's but this is ruining me. It's exhausting. I know I need therapy but I just can't afford it. I don't want to burden people because I feel like I'm going insane and that's also very scary. I have learnt about anxiety, OCD, rumination, phobias and I understand it but dealing with it for me is proving to be very very hard. I don't want to loose anyone or my anything because I can't control my thoughts.
I'm honestly terrified at this point in time.
---------- Post added at 07:14 ---------- Previous post was at 04:08 ----------
So, I went back to sleep for an hour or so. And I've woken up with the same anxiety symptoms I experienced a few weeks ago, upset stomach and for some reason I gag like I'm going to be sick, I'm really annoyed I've allowed myself to get here to be honest.
I really do understand thoughts no matter what they are, are just thoughts and the more you think about them the more power you give them. It's just how it works but my thoughts terrify me to my core(I'm sure everyone has experienced this if you suffer with gad or OCD). I'm struggling regaining control and not looking/listening to them to check if they are still there. I'm tired today and I will 100% be taking my Mirtazapine when I get home.