just cant handle it, is there a painless way to die

[elibabez]

ive been on here since 2014?
ive tried everything every single medication in varying doses
cbt twice gone through long courses
everything possible ive done, from dropping caffeine recently, to walking everywhere getting fresh air


ive always volunteered or worked no matter how bad my anxiety was as i didnt believe sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself was the way forward


but i find myself now, sat here a pathetic wreck after having texted the landlady saying `are you cool with me`?


she hasnt replied, but why should i give a damn if shes cool with me


i pay rent bills on time i keep the place clean


but in my pathetic anxiety plagued mind, im sat by the phone waiting and panicking for a text back, thinking omg she hasnt texted back shes angry she wants me out


rational thinking would say why would that be the case?


but this is what ive put up with for years now wherever i live wherever i work


i fear the worst about everything, always terrified about being sacked or being made homeless or being attacked in the street or a family member dying or being posioned


anything terrifying scenario im constantly terrified about


the worst is im constantly worried about people `being cool with me`!!


i cant handle it anymore ive done everything, i want out of this horrible existence i dont have any family i keep in touch with for many years, ive no friends apart from co workers who i work or volunteer with, theres nobody for you to try and make me feel guilty about who `might be thinking and worried for me`


theres nothing


i cant take it anymore :weep: :weep:

---------- Post added at 20:57 ---------- Previous post was at 20:02 ----------

thanks not a single person replied
if i had taken my life in the last 20 minutes its nice to know not a single person would have given a F


:scared15:

[caroline-j]

Hi elibabez. Have only just read yr post. Sorry to hear that yr really struggling with Anxiety. Have u ever tried sertraline? X

[Carys]

Hiyer,


Tomorrow is another day, a fresh one, where things can change. Any and all of us with mental health problems need to remember that however bad things are now, however low you get, this 'place' you are in right now won't be the 'place' you are always in. I am now 50; yes there have been ups and downs, but nothing like the downs that I felt in my 20s. Life has been worth it - if you'd asked me decades ago I would have seen little future, but things changed and those changes I coudln't have perceived at my lowest.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so despairing. Can I say that I recognise the analysing relationships issue; 'do they like me', 'will they reply, what if they don't, what does it mean?', 'are they cool with me'. I used to be that way in my 20s, where I would be thinking over every word that was said in conversations and doubting that people could like me. This is very much a self esteem issue, and I feel that coming through in your words. It is low self-esteem that makes you feel so panicky and distraught about personal relationships, it stops you 'being yourself' and instead you try desperately hard to be something for other people. You crave approval and validation through the eyes of others rather than having the strength of your own convictions and belief in yourself. It is a painful situation, but with better confidence in yourself it can improve. The fact is that in your skewed anxious state you start reading things into minor interactions, they become of obsessive primary importance to you. Lets be honest the landlady could have not replied because she's taking a bath or busy, or lost her phone, or, or, or......but when anxiety takes hold the anxious person views that the importance they place on that text is that same importance the receiver of the text places on it. What I'm trying to say is that the self-focus on people 'liking you' means that you lose track of the fact that the people you are interacting with aren't analysing the interaction as you are. Just because they don't reply it doesn't mean it actually has anything to do with you at all - it is just their own life they are getting on with. They aren't consumed with fear and worry, however you are, and place importance on a text that someone else wouldn't. I hope I'm making sense?

CBT aside which is useful for some things - have you had counselling to get to the bottom of your fears about interpersonal relationships? Ways to help your confidence? I read all your words and see someone who thinks their worth is low e.g. I'll be sacked.

Your worth is not low, I don't doubt you are a very valuable person and clearly give a lot particularly in your voluntary work. Never mind other people being upset if something happens to you, this isn't about other people, this is about the fact that YOU deserve better. Please do consider asking for some help, despite that fact you've had some assistance with some mental health issues before.

If you genuinely feel that you can't face things anymore, please ring or contact....

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

Or reach out to your out of hours doctor service. Call anybody, who can help you over this low period.


(By the way, 20 minutes isn't a long time for people to have the chance to reply, its a tough topic to reply to and many people would find it hard ;o)

[venusbluejeans]

thanks not a single person replied
if i had taken my life in the last 20 minutes its nice to know not a single person would have given a F
:scared15:

Sorry but that is quite unfair on our other members on here. 20 minutes on this forum is no time at all, maybe those who would reply to your thread were not online at the time, maybe they were working out what was best to reply to you. Please do not assume that no one cares because you don't get a repy within 20 minutes because that is certainly not the case on here... please remember our other members also suffer just as you do.

We normally delete posts about suicide on NMP as we are not equipped to deal with them as other members are sufferers too and really find it difficult to reply to threads such as yours.

Please don't take this as having a go at you because it really isn't but it is to remind you and others that with hard hitting topics it may take people a
little while to reply to you and some may not reply to you at all. It doesn't mean they do not care, it just means that they do not know how to help.

Please take a look at this post, it has a list of helplines which you could ring to talk to someone, some of them are available 24 hours a day for people like you in crisis.... please contact the samaritans, they can really help you.
https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=38701

Also have you looked at the CBT program which wee advertise on here? it is completely free and works for a lot of people who try it.
Take a look here, the co writer Robin Hall is a member on here too .... http://cbt4panic.org/

Good luck and I hope things get better for you

[Lissa101]

For me, it sounds like you're crying out for company and social interaction. Loneliness is a massive trigger for some people with anxiety and being around friends that you feel comfortable with might lift your mood a lot. Have you thought about any ways you could meet new people?

I also have a small family, in fact I only have my mum and she's ill with incurable cancer, so soon I will also be totally alone. But I make sure I spend time with nice people doing things I enjoy and that keeps me ticking over. Isolation brings me so down, I make sure I never go one day without having a face to face conversation with another human.

x

[Confetti]

What would you like to find that would lessen the grip of this terrible pain you are going through? You are remarkable to be doing as well as you are in life despite your issues, I fail to see how you can be deemed pathetic in the slightest. Suicide is not the answer you're looking for, I often dream of eternal slumber but I realize it removes one from the healing process that climbing up from bottom brings, it's a gradual climb but you feel the difference once you're further up, I'm not even a little way up but I feel deep down in my bones some profound validness, in death I would feel nothing or I'd still have the same problems depending on what happens. This change is something worth sticking around for, you feel your right to breathe air establish itself, you will become stronger the more you remain here and fight, you really need some help and clear objectives to guide you, as you really cannot go on like that. :hugs: