Think I’m actually gay now because I watched gay porn

[Soda]

Lately I’ve been scared that I didn’t have HOCD that I was just sexually repressed my whole life and I’m actually a lesbian. To check I went and watched lesbian porn. I didn’t feel anything when I was actually watching it, but then I decided to masturbate after to see if I was gay. I started to imagine the woman doing things to me and eventually achieved orgasm. I didn’t feel any connection to her but I still was able to climax. I wasn’t thinking about her really just her tongue doing things and now I’m scared I’ll have to break up with my boyfriend because I’m actually gay.

In the middle I started to think about my boyfriend and that could have done something too. The thing is that I actively like my boyfriend and just seemed to like the one thing this woman did. I’m so confused and scared, what if all this time I was actually just repressing shame from childhood that I was gay?

I’m going to therapy next week and I’m scared she’s gonna say I’m gay and have to date women! I’ve never wanted to date a woman in my life. My brain is just so confused. I’m scared I actually wanted to have sex with this woman. But also I didn’t feel aroused until I started touching myself.

[MyNameIsTerry]

There's a big clue in here about this being part of an OCD cycle. "Testing". That compulsion that just serves to retrigger cycles again. People try to expose themselves but they are doing it the wrong way as it's about "so yes you really are the monster you fear" or "aha, you didn't react with fear so that must mean you really love these thoughts".

It can be seen across many themes. There are certainly threads about sexual themes from HOCD to POCD that show this.

Perhaps there is some confusion about the act of masturbation being about thoughts rather than physical stimulation? At times we get stimulated by things we find inappropriate but people just shrug it off unlike those with anxiety who start to analyse it. For some it might be a moment noticing a siblings curves or the MIL (:ohmy: Les Dawson never would have got that one :biggrin:) and the thing is, we are all animals. Our bodies are those of animals and it's our minds that allow us all these moral codes about what is acceptable. Sometimes the body goes "pphhhwwwoooaarrrr!!!" and then the conscious mind goes "ew!!!".

Sexual themes in OCD are known to suffer problems with masturbation and arousal. It is explained that arousal occurs in a primitive area of the brain upstream from the complexities of the subconscious and all those moral codes we build. Just like how intrusive thoughts aren't noticed by the non anxious, as they just flit through and are dealt with intuitively, those with a sexual OCD theme are going to have this experience highlighted by the subconscious as "here's one of those red flags again".

But that upstream system responds to incoming sensory data. If you rub something, it can respond. I'm sure we all remember our teenage years where that sort of thing was problematic!

Look at what you say too. You have never considered a relationship with the same sex. You like the opposite sex. So, it's not about the majority of the kind of things that are important in determining sexuality as its all about the sex side and not the deeper need for relationships.

You've tried to explore sexuality but it's more like exploring the need for the HOCD to exist. Proving it's existence rather than something larger in it being about what you like. That's how it comes across to me. A typical testing compulsion. Testing compulsions are largely misunderstood/misinterpreted by the person. It's not as constructive as a Behavioural Experiment you might do in CBT.

Also, many people are sexually excited by things they wouldn't get up to outside of fantasy. This could even be about fantasy and you are attaching way too much to it so it is becoming part of your anxiety cycles. Fantasies can feel weird when acted out as they may just be sexually stimulating in our minds and we use them for that reason.

---------- Post added at 06:41 ---------- Previous post was at 06:39 ----------

And this is an excellent explanation from a member who has both been through HOCD and is gay. She can explain the differences between understanding her sexuality so you can see the differences to what you are experiencing:

https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=195010&highlight=hocd

[Daedalus]

Soda - Straight women are turned on by lesbian fantasies, etc. It's normal (i.e., it's more normal than it not happening).

Google it. There's a lot of proper academic research on the issue.

[Soda]

Thanks guys. Lately my OCD has been really messing with my mind, like...not one passing minute of the day do I not question my love for my boyfriend up to the point where when he says he loves me I think “do I?” And ruminate on any friendship or odd moment I’ve ever had with a female in my life.

I think of myself as heterosexual but it takes me a long time to create romantic bonds that lead to sexual bonds, which I guess when I’m in the middle of forming romantic bonds that’s when my anxiety is full swing and the OCD comes out to play because it knows I’m trying to do something that will prove it wrong.

Thinking about the same thing now that I’m not in such a sensitive state, I don’t think I’m gay or bi or anything like that. I don’t think the idea of the woman I saw in the porn aroused me, and the more I walk through it in my head the only part of a date with a woman I can see myself enjoying is the talking, like friends.

Sorry I’ve been such a basket case on the forums lately guys, therapy is this week but I don’t know how much of this I want to talk about.