View Full Version : Stag night stress
I’m having a stag night and having a singer and comedian. I wanted an ex footballer but it’s going to cost too much so felt a bit stressed that I couldn’t do this? Can anybody reassure me I will still have a good night?
I can confirm I had a good night on my stag do without an ex-footballer.
---------- Post added at 12:49 ---------- Previous post was at 12:34 ----------
Realised that was a bit of a flippant answer there, so I'll elaborate. On a do like that the important things are the people you are with. You will be surrounded by your best friends who are taking a night to celebrate you.
Even if you're disappointed you couldn't have something, that's just window-dressing - events like this are about the people sharing an experience not the specifics of the actual activities that take place.
nomorepanic
19-10-18, 13:52
Phil - you are only going to have a good night if you allow yourself too.
Just because you were wanting an ex-footballer does not guarantee it would be a good night.
It is what you make of it.
Phil - you are only going to have a good night if you allow yourself too.
Just because you were wanting an ex-footballer does not guarantee it would be a good night.
It is what you make of it.
I admit from 29/30 I have been on a bucket list of places to visit and stuff to do and I’ve always wanted to hang around with someone well known
Course they may turn out to be not that nice but I have these goals and it is pressure for myself like my goal to fly to New York.
I worry spending hundreds on an ex footballer will be a bad move I mean so far it’s cost me £500 for the stag on my entertainment already but worry it’s a one in a life time chance :huh:
I admit from 29/30 I have been on a bucket list of places to visit and stuff to do and I’ve always wanted to hang around with someone well known
Course they may turn out to be not that nice but I have these goals and it is pressure for myself like my goal to fly to New York.
I worry spending hundreds on an ex footballer will be a bad move I mean so far it’s cost me £500 for the stag on my entertainment already but worry it’s a one in a life time chance :huh:
To be honest if you've come up with a bucket list of things you want, that are beyond your budget, that's quite a shallow idea of enjoying yourself. I would personally be mortified about dragging around some random celebrity that's only there because you paid them, but that's personal taste. Your mates should be enough - they're what's important. And it sounds like you have some good entertainment lined up.
But if you go into this thinking "if only a washed-up footballer was here" you won't let yourself. File it away with all the other hundreds of extravagant things that would be great to have but you can't afford and move on.
The whole process of marriage - from engagement to honeymoon - is a series of hoops we're supposed to jump through, designed by marketers to make us feel we have The Best Time Ever and anything else won't do. But the important things throughout are the people that share it with you.
Who was the ex-footballer, Phil?
Surely not Gazza? Mickey Quinn?
I'd hate to pay for a "celeb's" attention. Far better to enjoy the company of your own friends. It shouldn't be about wanting to put on a show to impress others despite the demands of social media.
Who was the ex-footballer, Phil?
Surely not Gazza? Mickey Quinn?
I'd hate to pay for a "celeb's" attention. Far better to enjoy the company of your own friends. It shouldn't be about wanting to put on a show to impress others despite the demands of social media.
Nope they would be too expensive
I had a few names but nothing certain. I admit I am sucked into social media and feel everything is a show I don’t know why maybe reading others has got me that way.
But yes perhaps it’s best to save the money for another holiday than splash on the celeb footballer. Once I get an idea in my head it’s hard to shift though and I have told people already how I agreed terms with ex footballers to appear :ohmy:
MRS STRESS ED
19-10-18, 22:38
I’m having a stag night and having a singer and comedian. I wanted an ex footballer but it’s going to cost too much so felt a bit stressed that I couldn’t do this? Can anybody reassure me I will still have a good night?
simple answer no we can't tell you its going to be a good night you and only you can make it good night, and you shouldn't need a footballer to achieve that
Best wishes xx
It's a shame that you feel that you have to impress other people all the time, Phil. Material things in life aren't really that important when you're struggling with your mental health.
MyNameIsTerry
20-10-18, 10:36
But will you end up like this?
http://www.ofah.net/images/Littlepr4.jpg
:biggrin:
So how can I take my mind off this? I try and forget it and the worry I need to impress someone comes back? :blush:
So how can I take my mind off this? I try and forget it and the worry I need to impress someone comes back? :blush:
How do you take your mind off anything? Do something that interests you and absorbs your mind. Video games, exercise, drawing, walking, watching TV, playing music... Whatever works for you.
To be honest if I went to a stag do and a minor celebrity was hired to hang round with us I'd think that was a bit lame rather than be impressed.
Your friends aren't there to be impressed. They're there to have a good time with the future groom. Do you understand that?
It shouldn't be all about "show", Phil. I wouldn't want to pay anyone to turn up just to impress my friends. Do you think that no one would come unless you had paid for some ex "celeb" to attend?
Hm since you're into football why not instead take that money and splurge on some front row seats at a game? Maybe it can even be incorporated into your celebration plans? Spend a couple of hours watching 22 footballers do what they do best!
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I don't know about anyone else but if I were going to a stag party, I'd be much more impressed with a knock out stripper than an ex footballer :winks:
Positive thoughts
MyNameIsTerry
22-10-18, 01:47
A comedian sounds good to me. What you want is a good laugh and a load of beer. Can't help thinking your Perfectionism is intruding again. Would you all be impressed by some ex footballer bloke telling a few stories? Do friends/family compete to out do each other in such celebrations?
Ronaldo's fee should be dropping at the moment...:whistles:
Think yourself lucky, if I were arranging it you would end up with a granny-o-gram to sit on your knee, give you a good spanking and a big sloppy kiss. :yesyes:
MRS STRESS ED
26-10-18, 16:04
I don't know about anyone else but if I were going to a stag party, I'd be much more impressed with a knock out stripper than an ex footballer :winks:
Positive thoughts
it all depends on what floats your boat :roflmao:
I gave up on the idea a few week back then decided to book then cancel.
Now I want to book. I seem very indecisive about it I feel I need the footballer there and sometimes I think I should go a holiday instead then I think I would rather have him.
I know people said I shouldn’t do it but it seems a good idea but it’s causing me anxiety I reckon as it’s a big expensive to get one there maybe I worry it’s not a good idea?
Isn't money a bit tight around Xmas time, Phil? You said this in the washbasket thread.
If it's all about impressing other people then it's not a good idea. Why do you need the footballer there?
Isn't money a bit tight around Xmas time, Phil? You said this in the washbasket thread.
If it's all about impressing other people then it's not a good idea. Why do you need the footballer there?
Some of its Xmas money. I could either use it for a holiday or do the footballer thing and delay my holiday plans. With the wedding coming up I’m unsure if I will be as keen on travelling.
Yes it is about impressing but my bucket list seems to want me to meet a celeb of some kind and would feel good to have someone high profile there I keep switching on if I should do it or not but I was like this with driving lessons this week I was going to then cancelled I worry I am wasting peoples time? Problem is I over think stuff and it goes round my head then goes onto the next big idea :doh:
It's all about big ideas and bucket lists though..What is the big rush to do things? Do you feel that time is running out? My daughter does and she is 27.
It's all about big ideas and bucket lists though..What is the big rush to do things? Do you feel that time is running out? My daughter does and she is 27.
Yes it’s about bucket lists I’ve been this way for the past year going country after country doing as much as possible I even rented a a flat in a block of flats a that was on my bucket list before I moved there to this house. I wish I never felt so much pressure.
I’m in two minds I may never get this chance again to have someone there famous only maybe a special birthday? That’s another ten years off. I fear of people getting celebs at weddings too.
So like I’m maybe not the only person with this idea I feel guilty about it as it’s about you and ur partner but I admit like some people I see it as an excuse to spend money and go extravagant I just don’t know what to do? :huh:
MyNameIsTerry
18-11-18, 04:44
There will always be chances with a famous person, Phil. Their time can be bought any year.
You may even come across them in other ways. A firm I worked at years ago used to have a yearly big bash and hire a comedian. We had Jim Bowen, Lee the bald bloke off They Think It's All Over, Ron Dixon off Brookside too! My GF has met one or two celebs as they are going about their lives and I think pulisa has met more celebrities than Parkinson :winks:
That perfectionism issue is in play again. But you could hire a footballer and find them disappointing on the night and the anxiety then has another way to get at you.
What should matter is what you really want, not other and not your anxiety.
Also Phil your bucket list is something to enjoy. It’s not a list that you need to plough through to the bottom of. You might change your mind on some of the things, and that’s ok.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Your bucket list is just another list of compulsions though. You might never get this chance again but is this "chance" a positive or a negative experience?
I'd never pay for a celebrity's time. It's just a financial arrangement and means nothing. Anyone with enough money can make a celebrity turn up to an event.
Your bucket list is just another list of compulsions though.
I agree with Scass and Pulisa on this one; the 'bucket list' idea is controlling your life choices, actions and future plans to a great extent.
I agree with Scass and Pulisa on this one; the 'bucket list' idea is controlling your life choices, actions and future plans to a great extent.
Is it not the anxiety controlling my life? as in ideal would I would have the footballer, learn to drive and fly to New York but anxiety gives me reasons not to so I try and talk myself out of these or delay these things
Driving may be a good skill to learn but the other two issues are not important in the greater scheme of things. Just living your life with less anxiety and less torment from OCD compulsions would be a healthier target for your bucket list. It's not all about Big Things in life. "Smaller" (to you) achievements can turn into Big Things in due course but you can't see that at the moment because you are young and want everything now.
Driving may be a good skill to learn but the other two issues are not important in the greater scheme of things. Just living your life with less anxiety and less torment from OCD compulsions would be a healthier target for your bucket list. It's not all about Big Things in life. "Smaller" (to you) achievements can turn into Big Things in due course but you can't see that at the moment because you are young and want everything now.
True but a year ago before I moved house twice I had very low ocd and anxiety I have been unable to get this anxiety down I thought once I moved it would settle down?
I have been looking for an ocd cure but research says that eliminating the anxiety will rid me of my ocd so maybe I need Cbt or self help on the anxiety not the ocd?
Also it’s fine saying wait but you never know how long I will be around I may not reach old age not everybody does I mean maybe I might reach 100 but I don’t know problem is any age after 28 seemed old for me so I decided I needed a bucket list :ohmy:
Dear God...No hope for me then.
Yeah Pulisa.....hope you've taken up all those 'now you are over 50 offers' ? :roflmao:
Carys, in 2 weeks time I become an OAP..officially. You are a mere 50-for me the delights of the Senior Railcard beckon...:D
In Phil's books I'm a geriatric fossil. In my mind I am now as well but just don't tell my daughter because I'm meant to be immortal and have the stamina of a twenty-something (which I still do, Phil)
Ah great, you are nearly at OAP age, I always enjoy knowing people a good deal older than me....makes me feel better. :D
So yes I feel as much as I want the footballer there it may cause too much divided opinion as I realise not everybody likes football or likes the team he may have played for. I mean there’s lots of positives to have one there
However I have found out recently her dad doesn’t seem to like me so perhaps my anxiety on the night may actually be other issues perhaps people not showing or someone being there only because they have to? :blush:
So, Pulisa, will you be applying for an using your bus pass ? You could come visit me! :winks::roflmao:
someone being there only because they have to? :blush:
Exactly the same as paying a footballer.
Phil, i think your lining yourself up to be bitterly disappointed. I've met many famous people from sport, comedy and tv. Footballers were probably the worst out the bunch to be honest.
Exactly the same as paying a footballer.
Phil, i think your lining yourself up to be bitterly disappointed. I've met many famous people from sport, comedy and tv. Footballers were probably the worst out the bunch to be honest.
Cool what makes you say that?
So, Pulisa, will you be applying for an using your bus pass ? You could come visit me! :winks::roflmao:
On my zimmer frame? Hell yeah!:D
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So you are wanting to have a celeb footballer there to make sure people turn up on the night?
Your future father-in-law doesn't like you apparently. Maybe best to talk about this with him before the wedding? Try to sort things out? Who cares about a washed-up footballer anyway.
On my zimmer frame? Hell yeah!:D
---------- Post added at 19:44 ---------- Previous post was at 19:32 ----------
So you are wanting to have a celeb footballer there to make sure people turn up on the night?
Your future father-in-law doesn't like you apparently. Maybe best to talk about this with him before the wedding? Try to sort things out? Who cares about a washed-up footballer anyway.
Well I don’t know for a fact he doesn’t but get that impression :unsure:
And yes I have lots of ideas and can’t do them all due to cost. I try and tell myself the stuff I need like some new clothes may be better spending lots of
money on one thing. But some days I feel I should go ahead and get the footballer I think it becomes a bit of an ocd
Anyway I could try get some free nhs therapy but who knows if that will work either I just felt the last one was costing lots with little results
With any form of therapy-private or NHS-you have to be prepared to be challenged. You can't go into therapy on your terms only and expect to see any positive changes. You have to listen to the therapist and take on board what he or she says without putting your mental "shutters" down.
You can't expect instant results-it's not all about "getting rid" of anxiety.
MyNameIsTerry
19-11-18, 02:48
There can be many times when people show up out of obligation rather than wishing to be somewhere. That's often the case with family do's or work "enforced fun" events.
What matters is that your GF wants to marry you. In laws don't matter. It's nice to have their support but we can't always get it and it shouldn't be a barrier. As pulisa says you can try and see if it's the case. Maybe asking your GF first though because perhaps you are reading into something incorrectly?
Other than as a status bragging right I really can't see why anyone would want a footballer at any do. :unsure: Are you all major football fanatics? If not will many people be bothered?
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Carys, in 2 weeks time I become an OAP..officially. You are a mere 50-for me the delights of the Senior Railcard beckon...:D
In Phil's books I'm a geriatric fossil. In my mind I am now as well but just don't tell my daughter because I'm meant to be immortal and have the stamina of a twenty-something (which I still do, Phil)
Did you see that bloke in court asking they change his date of birth so he was twenty years younger? :D
How you feel matters more. If you feel younger, that's great. I feel older physically...:doh:
Other than as a status bragging right I really can't see why anyone would want a footballer at any do.
It would seriously put me off turning up. Then again, I don't think Phil's inviting me. :roflmao:
MyNameIsTerry
19-11-18, 06:45
It would seriously put me off turning up. Then again, I don't think Phil's inviting me. :roflmao:
That depends. Do you have a sexy police officer's outfit :whiplash::winks:
Ah, an opportunity for your favourite emoticon Terry :emot-eek: (not entirely sure what this one I've chosen is?).....funnily enough I don't own one of those outfits...am I therefore definitely NOT invited ? :roflmao:
Nope..You're not on the guest list! Twinset and pearls for us now!:D
One of my friends is getting married by someone famous so this only increases my keenness for a the footballer because I had sort of told everybody at work I was getting one and they always seem to ask as they think it’s a good idea but my family don’t
MyNameIsTerry
23-11-18, 17:03
So it's all status then.
Family matter, work colleagues don't. They get a nice piss up on your tab.
Family matter, work colleagues don't
Here here !
The issue is my anxiety levels I was all for having a footballer and changed my mind like twice now. I was going to book a driving lesson and cancelled last week.
Some things I can make choices on but I have found some issues very difficult and I regret it and cancel does anxiety do this? I was also going to book a fight a month ago I thought yes that’s it I will do it and I bottled it. Sometimes with my ocd I will sell something then I change my mind?
I think the issue is I feel anxious so I don’t go through with it. Bit like my ocd I can’t handle the anxiety
I know by my age I should be making choices but struggle anybody any tips?
People were right here it was as a bad idea he had demanded money upfront and wasn’t keen on going via agent when I said no he was not too happy
Feel a bit crap about it but it seems it was for the best to not go ahead. The agent had added lots of VAT on too. Now getting refund :blush:
It’s been a worry on my mind for a few months so I hope I can move on from this as still feel anxious
Despite cancelling it’s still been on my mind all in a loop. It seems with all my anxieties at the moment the thoughts stick around on a loop for days or weeks. I have felt bad about this and my ocd
How can I improve this?
Suziewuzie
05-12-18, 12:39
By regularly practising CBT techniques & mindfulness.
I feel bad about this stag night sadly it’s in May but I’ve had a lacklustre response I have spent almost a grand on it anf hiring a Function room yet few people may come
I am also disappointed things turned sour with the ex footballer. It may have took some of the pressure off numbers showing. Sadly when I told the guests he was coming they were not impressed as many don’t like football.
How can I feel positive about this stag night?
busterrufus
27-01-19, 23:39
Your friends and loved ones will be there and there will be entertainment by a singer and comedian. Sounds like a great night. Don't overthink it please, you dont want to make yourself even more anxious.
nomorepanic
28-01-19, 00:22
We did tell you not to splash out on it all Phil but you chose not to listen.
Just keep it simple
MyNameIsTerry
28-01-19, 01:27
Some will come just for the entertainment at many a do but they aren't real friends anyway so I wouldn't but any thought into that as it's more about status in social circles.
Ex player wanted to avoid tax and fees by the sounds of it. Better he doesn't get a gig then.
You need a slap upside your head with a wet fish, Phil! :lac:
Guests will come to your "stag" because of YOU, not some washed-out old has-been ex-footballer pfft.
As Nic says: Keep it simple!
EDIT: And save your money for honeymoon which you will BOTH enjoy :shades:
EDIT: And save your money for honeymoon which you will BOTH enjoy :shades:
I will be having a good honeymoon so that’s all sorted anyway
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Some will come just for the entertainment at many a do but they aren't real friends anyway so I wouldn't but any thought into that as it's more about status in social circles.
Ex player wanted to avoid tax and fees by the sounds of it. Better he doesn't get a gig then.
You are correct.
I mean I wouldn’t want him there now after what happened however I’m annoyed as I thought it was a great idea and it went sour and sadly there was nobody else was available so it wasn’t like I had other options plus the whole situation if demanding the cash put me off.
I got in touch with a photographer who also wanted cash upfront before the job this is another one I avoided as most people only want a deposit when they come to an event.
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Also I fear the lack lustre response from friends has been poor too
Glad to hear that.
Whatever happened to a night out with friends at the pub for the stag do? Or am I showing my (advanced) age?:)
Well, if you are then I am too, a few good mates at the pub was what we did in my day.
These "young people" expect so much these days....
(throws another hunk of coal in fire and resumes knitting)
Haven't you finished my bed jacket yet ???? :rolleyes:
These "young people" expect so much these days....
(throws another hunk of coal in fire and resumes knitting)
Yes some people go abroad and spend a fortune I’m not that lucky as my mates wouldn’t fancy that I made it local but despite that it doesn’t guarantee numbers
You can't buy numbers, Phil.
Why not make it a select few and a simple occasion? Have you invited a lot of friends?
Yes and my bed socks.....come on, it's freezing, get those needles clicking.:winks:
I do think those simpler times were happier though. A few pints, ok well a lot of pints, get bladdered and hope to hell you remembered where you were supposed to be in the morning...and that was the bride :D
There's too much pressure now, to live the celebrity life style, to have the best pics on Facebook. To be bigger and better than what your mate did. Back to the 70s:yesyes:
Yes and my bed socks.....come on, it's freezing, get those needles clicking.:winks:
I do think those simpler times were happier though. A few pints, ok well a lot of pints, get bladdered and hope to hell you remembered where you were supposed to be in the morning...and that was the bride :D
There's too much pressure now, to live the celebrity life style, to have the best pics on Facebook. To be bigger and better than what your mate did. Back to the 70s:yesyes:
Absolutely! Nothing wrong with keeping it simple. Might even be a new "trend" in the coming decade? "Back to Basics" or have we already had that one?:D
You can't buy numbers, Phil.
Why not make it a select few and a simple occasion? Have you invited a lot of friends?
Becuase I have already paid for the performers and room hire for the venue so it’s all booked :huh:
---------- Post added at 20:46 ---------- Previous post was at 20:45 ----------
Yes and my bed socks.....come on, it's freezing, get those needles clicking.:winks:
I do think those simpler times were happier though. A few pints, ok well a lot of pints, get bladdered and hope to hell you remembered where you were supposed to be in the morning...and that was the bride :D
There's too much pressure now, to live the celebrity life style, to have the best pics on Facebook. To be bigger and better than what your mate did. Back to the 70s:yesyes:
True I did book a photographer to make up for the loss of the footballer :ohmy:
---------- Post added at 20:47 ---------- Previous post was at 20:46 ----------
I am still disappointed I won’t have someone famous there I mean the comedian I have is fairly well known but I was keen on a footballer coming
Why do you need a photographer?
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What would a footballer coming mean to you though? You would have just bought his attendance.
Why do you need a photographer?
Not sure it was a late idea but it was also to mean I have a minimum or 2 people being paid to be there at one time :huh:
---------- Post added at 20:50 ---------- Previous post was at 20:49 ----------
Why do you need a photographer?
---------- Post added at 20:49 ---------- Previous post was at 20:48 ----------
What would a footballer coming mean to you though? You would have just bought his attendance.
True I pay a lot of people theripsts, singers and photographers and people to do
Work in my house I seem to enjoy paying
So is paying people to be there important to you?
---------- Post added at 20:52 ---------- Previous post was at 20:51 ----------
Does it give you a sense of power?
So is paying people to be there important to you?
---------- Post added at 20:52 ---------- Previous post was at 20:51 ----------
Does it give you a sense of power?
No defo not the power
It just makes me feel I will have a better night with more people there and people with talents and a more “grand” celeb type night
Thanks for explaining. Celebs can be pretty dull people in "real life" though but it's your stag night so you can decide what you want. Spending a lot of money doesn't guarantee an enjoyable night though.
Thanks for explaining. Celebs can be pretty dull people in "real life" though but it's your stag night so you can decide what you want. Spending a lot of money doesn't guarantee an enjoyable night though.
Yes that’s true
Who knows what sort of night I will have but will soon find out :unsure:
Sounds like you don't have much faith in "friends", and people in general, so want to "buy" their attention/attendance. It's a recipe for disappointment, IMO, but you have to learn the hard way I'm afraid.
Hope it all goes according to "plan" though.
Why do you want a celeb style do? What's so wrong with just your close pals having a drink and a laugh. I don't get the pull of the whole Kardashian celebrity thing.:shrug:
MyNameIsTerry
29-01-19, 02:11
Well, if you are then I am too, a few good mates at the pub was what we did in my day.
Gone are the days where all you needed was a car learner plate, a tiara & tutu and a giant inflatable penis...I might be talking more about hen nights here though :whistles:
---------- Post added at 02:09 ---------- Previous post was at 02:07 ----------
EDIT: And save your money for honeymoon which you will BOTH enjoy :shades:
Hopefully, that's a worry for a thread on the "men's issues" board though...:whistles:
(sorry, phil, couldn't resist bringing the tone down a bit :D)
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You are correct.
I mean I wouldn’t want him there now after what happened however I’m annoyed as I thought it was a great idea and it went sour and sadly there was nobody else was available so it wasn’t like I had other options plus the whole situation if demanding the cash put me off.
I got in touch with a photographer who also wanted cash upfront before the job this is another one I avoided as most people only want a deposit when they come to an event.
---------- Post added at 19:45 ---------- Previous post was at 19:44 ----------
Also I fear the lack lustre response from friends has been poor too
Do you know what your fiancé has planned? I wonder if she is having something less grand and whether it bothers you less knowing she isn't going to all this bother for the sake of others?
Can't someone do the photos for you on the night? A bit like the film Cloverfield but without a giant monster crashing the party? :ohmy:
Gone are the days where all you needed was a car learner plate, a tiara & tutu and a giant inflatable penis...I might be talking more about hen nights here though :whistles:
---------- Post added at 02:09 ---------- Previous post was at 02:07 ----------
Hopefully, that's a worry for a thread on the "men's issues" board though...:whistles:
(sorry, phil, couldn't resist bringing the tone down a bit :D)
---------- Post added at 02:11 ---------- Previous post was at 02:09 ----------
Do you know what your fiancé has planned? I wonder if she is having something less grand and whether it bothers you less knowing she isn't going to all this bother for the sake of others?
Can't someone do the photos for you on the night? A bit like the film Cloverfield but without a giant monster crashing the party? :ohmy:
Yes she is spending a lot on a hotel but no photographers ect.
Well to get photos done is about ten times cheaper than the footballer so it’s not all bad.
It is a lot of money I have spent hopefully it will be worth it. I got some gifts for the people coming but due to my ocd I’m unsure if I will take it as I worry spreading germs in the pub. :blush:
MyNameIsTerry
29-01-19, 03:00
So, is she putting more into the venue than the acts? That sounds good, if so. Like how some book up a manor house.
Make sure you don't wear a kilt to your Stag and keep your trousers on at all times ;)
....and don't go talking to any tattooists, don't even LOOK at them.
Hen nights, now THEY scare me Terry !!!
MyNameIsTerry
29-01-19, 14:05
Me too, Carys! Especially the mature ones :ohmy:
No young man has ever walked unmolested through Blackpool at night :roflmao:
Heh, we could see phil on Tattoo Fixers! The bride's mother would be surely impressed by one like that guy with the "your mum and me" stickman/woman, one standing one kneeling :roflmao:
Me too, Carys! Especially the mature ones :ohmy:
:ohmy:
MyNameIsTerry
29-01-19, 14:51
:ohmy:
Run when you see the grannies in the kiss me quick hats! :ohmy:
I booked a band for my wedding however they have now split and I have no band so this is another stress and I can’t sleep.
I don’t want just dj. I know I can get alternative bands but it’s shorter notice now. I worry that anything I booked for the wedding will still be ok as people can cancel.
Even my stag night there is still time for people to not come even though I paid deposits.
I feel gutted about the band as the band was the best part and they were a great band but they have split so little I can do maybe just unlucky but shows how stressful weddings are
My wedding band cancelled so I am stressed and had sleepless nights. I’m annoyed as I booked this two years ago and the band have split. They had a unique sound and it was the highlight of my wedding.
The good news is i booked an alternative band but one of my guests said they were not as good.
I know people will say it’s great I have an alternative however I can’t help but feel disappointed about the whole thing :unsure:
Phil people will attened not because you spent out on fancy things but because they want to enjoy youre day and they want to be part of youre future not a bsnd that has a set for 4hrs
AMomentofClarity
06-02-19, 19:14
Nobody goes to a wedding for the band
They had a unique sound and it was the highlight of my wedding.
A highlight of a wedding isn't the band. The highlight is the marriage of two people surrounded by those that care for and love them.
venusbluejeans
06-02-19, 21:26
This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.
Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.
It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.
Emmz
Nobody goes to a wedding for the band
Sadly the feedback on the new band isn’t as good.
I let people hear various wedding bands and they were not impressed it seems the band I had booked had a very unique sound
So the issue is what can you do really any band I replaced them with would not be the same sound so why don’t people get that and the replacement they offered was much worse? The one I replaced it with is decent.
Sadly the feedback on the new band isn’t as good.
I let people hear various wedding bands and they were not impressed it seems the band I had booked had a very unique sound
So the issue is what can you do really any band I replaced them with would not be the same sound so why don’t people get that and the replacement they offered was much worse? The one I replaced it with is decent.
It should be up to yourself to decide, not the guests. You seem to have avoided or misunderstood MOC's point, which is that guests will attend because of YOU, not the band.
WiseMonkey
14-02-19, 15:52
Why don't you get a DJ in for your wedding then he could play the music you want?
Do you know what - I'd not even be asking the opinion of others and their thoughts as it will open you up to all sorts of things which will feel hurtful. They should just be glad they are coming to your wedding, and looking forward to that in itself. Book what you and your future wife would like, and tell nobody else, they can just put up and shut up if they aren't happy. See the mood I'm in today :roflmao:
MyNameIsTerry
14-02-19, 17:12
I wonder if they all approve of the bride's dress? The place settings?
It's really none of their business.
venusbluejeans
14-02-19, 17:48
You have a wedding for YOU..... not for everyone else.. it is YOU and your fiance's day and NOT those you invite...... it is a privelage for the guests to attend, it is not an event that they are paying to go to, it isn't a music gig... it is your wedding and it should be how YOU want it... no one else's opinion matters at all.
No one will come to your wedding and say "OMG what were they thinking hiring that band they were awful.... how dare they.. It has ruined my day// I don't think I want to be their friends anymore" BUT they do come and say "Awww look how much they love each other, I am glad they are having a good day and that they are really happy"
It's really none of their business.
Agreed.......but.......is their opinion being actively sought by Phil, or are they just rolling on up to to give it anyway ?
Agreed.......but.......is their opinion being actively sought by Phil, or are they just rolling on up to to give it anyway ?
Perhaps it’s my fault that I ask people’s opinion. I had the same issue with suits I ended up returning a few due to different opinion.
I think opinion seems to matter for me. Someone mentioned why don’t I get a Dj well I have one for part of the night anyway
I just feel a regret that I showed people the original band and now I can’t deliver it. What annoys me is surely if I had no band my wedding plans would change more the fact is I have been able to replace at short notice yes the sound is different but one person I showed wasn’t impressed with any of the other bands.
Now I did like the other band and I am very annoyed I won’t get to see them but it a band splits up its sort of out of my control ..
Are you worried that people won't come to the wedding if they don't rate the replacement band? Is it all about numbers attending?
Are you worried that people won't come to the wedding if they don't rate the replacement band? Is it all about numbers attending?
Well no becuase I don’t feel the band will affect the numbers I just worry what the chit chat on the night will be on the band people will say that band were...or they may say they liked last band more which isn’t ideal
I hope people wouldn't be so rude Phil, as to make such comments!
It's not like a music gig though..It's a wedding. The music/entertainment is incidental. Will anyone care? It should be all about you and your wife.
WiseMonkey
14-02-19, 20:03
Well no becuase I don’t feel the band will affect the numbers I just worry what the chit chat on the night will be on the band people will say that band were...or they may say they liked last band more which isn’t ideal
Just tell them that the original band have split up, then everyone will understand that you had to get another one... makes good sense :)
Just tell them that the original band have split up, then everyone will understand that you had to get another one... makes good sense :)
Yes I said that and the comments were oh I preferred other band or the new band the vocals ain’t as strong :huh:
---------- Post added at 20:08 ---------- Previous post was at 20:06 ----------
It's not like a music gig though..It's a wedding. The music/entertainment is incidental. Will anyone care? It should be all about you and your wife.
Yes it was like that with the footballer the buzz seems to have went away from Stag night but before it fell through the comments in the group chat were negative about football and all the people who never liked football decided to comment
The worry is that everybody I paid for turns up I have a contract for some but I bad one for the last band and it was cancelled :ohmy:
WiseMonkey
14-02-19, 20:16
[QUOTE=phil06;1856847]Yes I said that and the comments were oh I preferred other band or the new band the vocals ain’t as strong :huh:
---------- Post added at 20:08 ---------- Previous post was at 20:06 ----------
Of course your friends are going to give their opinions about bands and other things, that's just what people do. I think you're being overly sensitive to their opinions and like you said, the band parting company is out of your control.
Don't let your friends opinions control your thoughts about your wedding plans, consult with your fiancee and the wedding planners/caterers etc.
MyNameIsTerry
15-02-19, 03:03
You have a wedding for YOU..... not for everyone else.. it is YOU and your fiance's day and NOT those you invite...... it is a privelage for the guests to attend, it is not an event that they are paying to go to, it isn't a music gig... it is your wedding and it should be how YOU want it... no one else's opinion matters at all.
No one will come to your wedding and say "OMG what were they thinking hiring that band they were awful.... how dare they.. It has ruined my day// I don't think I want to be their friends anymore" BUT they do come and say "Awww look how much they love each other, I am glad they are having a good day and that they are really happy"
I blame the Karcrashians :winks:
---------- Post added at 03:01 ---------- Previous post was at 02:59 ----------
Agreed.......but.......is their opinion being actively sought by Phil, or are they just rolling on up to to give it anyway ?
Phil has answered but I think we expected it was him seeking approval and worrying about the details, what people think etc.
If someone just rolled up to give an opinion the response would be more direct from me...Father Jack-esque :noangel::whistles:
---------- Post added at 03:03 ---------- Previous post was at 03:01 ----------
I just feel a regret that I showed people the original band and now I can’t deliver it. What annoys me is surely if I had no band my wedding plans would change more the fact is I have been able to replace at short notice yes the sound is different but one person I showed wasn’t impressed with any of the other bands.
If that is the bride = fair enough.
If that is the guests = the clue is in their title of "guests".
You are kicking yourself.
Yes what’s frustrating for me is I never heard any negative about the last band. The new band have good reviews on Facebook and are pretty decent yet ive had about 4 negative comments from my guests. I am surprised given this band sounds like most other wedding bands doing a similar thing. My fear now is people don’t like the band on the wedding day and that could in some way spoil my wedding day. I mean would they rather I had a Dj all night or something or perhaps they would still moan the music picked wasn’t good.
I am annoyed as I hired a respectable band with 4 years wedding experience doing functions and weddings and people are being negative.
Phil listen again - don't ask opinions, don't seek to please everyone. You say here again 'would they be happy if I just.....', this really isn't about what everyone else wants!
Phil listen again - don't ask opinions, don't seek to please everyone. You say here again 'would they be happy if I just.....', this really isn't about what everyone else wants!
I am just frustrated I went to so much effort and this new band sounds like most other wedding bands. I don’t get what people’s expectations are?
Sure I’ve had some positive opinions too. I just fear people being annoyed on the night by the band. We got offered a replacement band from the agency and they were awful had little wedding experience and it sounded a ramble. Had I booked this I could understand but they are quite a positive indie rock pop band and people are being negative :hugs:
This is the trouble with asking people what they think, everybody is different in what they like, what they enjoy and what they would choose. Who you have got to play I'm sure is perfectly fine, but you have far too many involved in the decision-making process. Just stop asking for opinions on things, then you won't get to hear other peoples' expectations and stop seeking their reassurance of others in your choices. Its too late for this particular 'band situation', but I think a simple 'they are good, I like them' and end of story, would be a good response.
I know, sounds easy doesn't it - but its kind of like when you choose a baby name - DON'T discuss with anyone but your partner!Everybody will have their own thoughts and individual feelings, and ultimately what those people think isn't relevant.
MyNameIsTerry
17-02-19, 05:17
I agree with Carys. And I think part of your change needs to include improving your confidence, like all of us really, learning to trust yourself more and needing reassurance less.
If it were my stag do and someone said they didn't like the band I wouldn't even listen unless it was a best mate. They do realise this isn't like booking a holiday, don't they? They don't get to go onto Philvago and moan about it afterwards.
They are entitled to their opinion but that's all it is and this is your do and not theirs so they need to bend towards yours preferences or don't go.
I have been getting ocd and anxiety as I wanted to book a saxaphonist for the wedding but worry I have too much already having a band and guitarist. Problem is like the ex footballer idea that I had to cancel it causes me anxiety. My fear is when I get anxiety I think omg I have to cancel it and not go ahead but worry the anxiety will win. Perhaps I have enough going on anyway but my ocd makes me worry over this constantly.
Any tips to help?
I have only had half of the RSVP’s back that I had at my engagement party. I asked 170 and only had 48 get back and say they can make the wedding.
Yes more could come however many people are rude and choose to ignore the invite these days or wonder why they were asked it makes me wonder why people are so selfish in there own lives these days?
MyNameIsTerry
11-03-19, 17:16
If they've had enough time then would it be best to just plan with what you've got, and maybe a small in built contingency, and if they come back to you later they get told its too late?
Are any of the none responders the ones moaning about the lack of the footballer, the switch in bands, etc? If so, either they are pretty damn fickle not to attend just because of that as this is about you or perhaps you shouldn't put too much effort into their opinions?
venusbluejeans
11-03-19, 17:55
170 people?!?!
I don't think I personally know 170 people let alone 170 who I would be close enough to to want to invite to my wedding.
You must be very popular Phill to have that many friends and damily to invite
Months later I am still annoyed about this ex footballer not coming I fear I may never get over it. I had this amazing idea and played it out in my head and in the end I cancelled it. I also wanted a saxophonist at the wedding and that’s not happened.
I just feel so annoyed that I never got the ex footballer. I am now considering doing it for a special birthday in another ten years.
If that’s what you want, then do it. It’s your money & your choice. But let the annoyance go now, it’s not worth dwelling on it at all.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
WiseMonkey
23-03-19, 08:24
We've just had our engagement celebration and only invited those who we know would attend, so there was about 30 in total. We provided the drinks and nibbles for our quests and our own music and all went off well. I find the trickiest part is when one or two quests don't know any of the others so I feel I have to make a special effort to entertain them! Some people are shy and not good at starting conversations (with strangers).
EmmerLooeez
23-03-19, 09:16
Phil my wedding was absolutely about everyone else (probably my well meaning mother in law more than anyone) and now that I look back on it, I don't look on it as a nice day. I only have one printed picture of it, I was uncomfortable the whole time. Yes other people had a great time but it wasn't what I wanted my wedding to be. Do things that YOU want, it is YOUR day. Don't live to please everyone else, you can't please everyone at once so you will wind up very unhappy.
x
Update
A bit of a kick in the teeth my brother (best man) met the ex footballer which I had booked at a pub for free
I am annoyed as he is boasting about it on Facebook despite what happened with me, and he has met him regardless I can’t believe it.
Its an ex footballer, who you were going to pay for, big deal. Honestly Phil, this person had no value to your event or the meaning behind it (if you have to pay someone to appear then they aren't worth having there)?! Despite what Emmer says above, and many others, you are not thinking about your wedding in a way that is meaningful - by that I mean you are constantly still thinking about creating an event to impress others. You were hiring someone to just turn up, have their ego stroked and make money out of it, and try to get everyone to say how impressive it was (even though they were 'paid for' in their appearance and you don't really even know them). Money saved I say!
EmmerLooeez
23-03-19, 09:53
Sorry to be brash Phil, but are you getting married just to impress people and show off?
Well not quite the wedding to show off i mentioned I could do it for a birthday party instead
....to show off at a birthday instead ?
....by paying an ex-footballer to turn up and 'grace you with his presence for money'. ?
Phil, look at this situation really think about it, the celebrity culture is fake - really - and you are wanting to pay someone just to turn up. I don't see how this is 'impressive' at all to be honest, paying some Z -lister to turn up at an event. I do wonder about some of the people around you sometimes.
Ah yes but my brother met the ex footballer all be it at a sports man dinner and never paid mega bucks. I don’t see the fuss over paying last few years I am always paying people to do work at my house or with my stag I’m already paying for people to come.
However my goal was to party with a celebrity when it’s on my bucket list it’s hard to drop it. I mean the reality is from the chat I had on the phone he maybe wasn’t the right guy to do it but I still have the urge to book somebody else right now
EmmerLooeez
23-03-19, 15:05
Phil what are you hoping to feel when your bucket list is completed? Why is it such an important thing in your life and wedding?
Ah yes but my brother met the ex footballer all be it at a sports man dinner and never paid mega bucks. I don’t see the fuss over paying last few years I am always paying people to do work at my house or with my stag I’m already paying for people to come.
However my goal was to party with a celebrity when it’s on my bucket list it’s hard to drop it. I mean the reality is from the chat I had on the phone he maybe wasn’t the right guy to do it but I still have the urge to book somebody else right now
A bucket list isn’t a rule book or something to live your life by, and if it was then “meeting a celebrity” should really be way under “dealing with anxiety and ocd”.
A bucket list can be flexible depending on your situation.
Why wouldn’t this person boast that they met a footballer?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
A bucket list isn’t a rule book or something to live your life by, and if it was then “meeting a celebrity” should really be way under “dealing with anxiety and ocd”.
A bucket list can be flexible depending on your situation.
Why wouldn’t this person boast that they met a footballer?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Yes they did boast about it and my mum despite her saying the footballer was a bad idea was complimenting his photos.
All very frustrating and yes it doesn’t have to happen right away but I thought my stag was a good event to have it?
This thread and worry has been going on since October of last year. At this point, just do what you want as it really doesn't matter what we think and you're just going to allow this (and other things) to control your thoughts anyway :shrug:
Good luck with the wedding!
Positive thoughts
It’s now my brother obsessed with the footballer as he wants to add him on Facebook.
Perhaps he is annoyed he never came to my stag? Maybe he can make a footballer come for free?
I think you should forget about buying a z-lister's time and concentrate instead on important matters which affect you significantly on a daily basis.
venusbluejeans
27-03-19, 21:28
I think you should forget about buying a z-lister's time and concentrate instead on important matters which affect you significantly on a daily basis.
This...... ten thousand percent this!!
MyNameIsTerry
28-03-19, 03:10
^ you can add me to that! I've never understood this chasing of zelebs.
If it causes you anxiety, consider whether you need it in your life. Is it reasonable to remove it? Is it an unhealthy part of life?
It just feels like Facebook likes to me. Or someone finding a celeb, or more likely their Twitter Admin team :winks:, has clicked Follow on them and they talk about it for weeks.
Well, add me too, and I've said it before on this thread before - what have these people done that merits such adoration? I'd rather save my attention for someone who I think deserves it - like someone who is unknown who selflessley works away for nothing in society. Its shallow the z-lister, or even A-lister following thing.
Sorry, yes, I think there's something a bit embarrassing about paying somebody to pretend to be your friend.
Sorry, yes, I think there's something a bit embarrassing about paying somebody to pretend to be your friend.
I am not getting the footballer now as I said a few months ago he demanded money upfront before event so I cancelled.
However I am annoyed as my brother met him for free got a selfie and lots of Facebook likes for the same person I was going to pay hundreds for.
I bet you'll get tons of Facebook likes for your wedding pictures, though.
However I am annoyed as my brother met him for free got a selfie and lots of Facebook likes for the same person I was going to pay hundreds for.
SO what, seriously Phil, so what.....why are you so concerned with impressing people by meeting a celebrity?
MyNameIsTerry
29-03-19, 09:54
Well if anyone wants an autograph by someone who has slept with numerous footballers let me know. I've just opened the post to find I've been summonsed to be Katie Price's new bloke for the next week or so. It's just like jury service :winks:
I've met Katie Price and my photo with her appeared in Closer magazine much to my daughter's disgust! I was giving her advice on how to manage Harvey.This was years ago when she was with Peter Andre and not quite so desperate. I had no idea about the mag pic until I went to the Dentist's and the receptionist showed me the gruesome photo..:D
Pulisa, I always got the impression she was actually a pretty good mum - is this true?
I think this is a carefully crafted PR exercise by her team to be honest. I often wondered how on earth she could have looked after Harvey- who has profound and complex needs -and yet still be pictured out and about all the time with various men in various countries. Her Mum worked very hard looking after Harvey.
MyNameIsTerry
31-03-19, 02:45
I think this is a carefully crafted PR exercise by her team to be honest. I often wondered how on earth she could have looked after Harvey- who has profound and complex needs -and yet still be pictured out and about all the time with various men in various countries. Her Mum worked very hard looking after Harvey.
So, she's even used you to flog a few photos to her minions! :lac: (I would look it up...but only for a picture of you :yesyes:)
Yes, I agree. Her mum looked after Harvey and didn't his father pay her to do that for years? Recently she has been complaining she has no time because she is his carer yet she can be seen on holidays, endless clubbing nights and out shopping. All the carers of the world have got it wrong, they need Katie's book of how to manage your time! :doh:
And now she has progressed onto using her kids to flog her tatt. And getting them into social media where they are getting trolled because of their mum. It's all about her though and a great shame she can't leave her kids to grow up.
What we see now is the Katie that was always there. The narcassist.
So yes stag night next month so this topic can soon come to a conclusion my final anxiety is my partner touched my bag of new outfits for my stag after going to the toilet so I worry I will smell toilet. Same at the wedding I got shirts and worried I had peed myself so I worry I will smell at wedding.
The good news is some of my worries about taking stuff on the stag night that I took upstairs I am able to beat this ocd and take it.
I am still annoyed about the footballer issue however I have instead looked into sportsman’s dinner which are cheaper and I can go and get a photo with the celeb footballer. It’s not as good but I never had a wide pool of footballers to pick from for my stag night I only had two options and I mentioned before what happened there.
I need help for this
I got some shirts for my wedding and I had a thought I peed myself. Now I worry I will smell of pee?
Same with the stag night I worried I peed myself tonight so my new tops and shoes may smell of pee despite me not touching them? I also worried my watch touched the toilet plunger so I worried my shoes would be toilet plunger germs.
Also the other night I picked up some toilet paper that fell down the toilet I worried I touched the plunger I washed the clothes and I fear all the clean clothes are dirty.
My ocd wants me to worry everyone has toilet germs on it or I smell it’s all related to germs and toilet issues how can I deal with this?
how can I deal with this?
Real life professional help.
Positive thoughts
Phil, why do you switch threads and carry on repeating your obsessions rather than listening to people who have experience of overcoming this stuff?
Phil, why do you switch threads and carry on repeating your obsessions rather than listening to people who have experience of overcoming this stuff?
Nobody offered advice they just quizzed me about why I quit the other forum.
The risk is I smell of pee or transfer germs from the bathroom and don’t enjoy the wedding
nomorepanic
07-04-19, 22:16
Get help Phil
Get help Phil
The nhs won’t offer any and I paid £300 for 8 sessions of Cbt which never worked. I have a wedding soon I don’t have £40 per hour to pay someone for help.
I believe being shafted off fourms is due to people wanting to silence me and don’t want to help anymore
nomorepanic
07-04-19, 22:32
You are not willing to help yourself
You were offered loads of advice on your other threads, you just didn't seem to acknowledge what had been said.
I am not going to repeat them here because they were from people more knowledgeable than myself, but it would be worthwhile for you to go back and read over them.
Phil, people have tried really hard to help you but there's a limit to what people can do.
What do you think we could do that would help you get better?
Absolutely, there is entirely a limit to what internet strangers can do to make any difference to you or your life. I've given links on another of your threads in the past, to an appropriate UK website for your mental health condition. It provided details of support groups, online resources and various other support mechanisms - they were all there and availiable to you Phil. All the advice that has been passed on and given by so many means nothing if you won't take your own first steps.
Yes I don’t want a debate on whether people think I am taking the advice onboard if you wish to do so PM me or don’t reply
I asked for advice and it’s not being ignored if that’s the case I shall post elsewhere until I find a helpful reply.
What sort of advice do you think would be helpful?
nomorepanic
08-04-19, 17:57
So none of the replies have been helpful on here then?:shrug:
Yes I don’t want a debate on whether people think I am taking the advice onboard if you wish to do so PM me or don’t reply
I asked for advice and it’s not being ignored if that’s the case I shall post elsewhere until I find a helpful reply.
When you don't get what you want you suddenly become very blunt, angry and demanding :lac:
We volunteer our time here and have myriad mental health issues ourselves; we're not paid staff offering advice tailored to your "needs" (ie, what you want to hear).
Furthermore, to say or even imply none of the advice you've received is "helpful" only reveals your true colours and is the reason why many members stopped replying to you, I'm afraid.
You're simply shooting yourself in the foot again :lac:
The nhs won’t offer any and I paid £300 for 8 sessions of Cbt which never worked. I have a wedding soon I don’t have £40 per hour to pay someone for help.
You have been using money as an excuse for a long time. Yet, you are going on holidays, and replacing products left, right and centre. Come on Phil, surprise us, surprise yourself. Take the initiative and see your doctor. Imagine the relief that this could bring? Imagine not feeling like you do? Imagine having the strength to ignore the compulsions? We are not helping you because you don’t seem to like our advice, but your way of dealing with things isn’t working. Time to get some professional help.
You have been using money as an excuse for a long time. Yet, you are going on holidays, and replacing products left, right and centre. Come on Phil, surprise us, surprise yourself. Take the initiative and see your doctor. Imagine the relief that this could bring? Imagine not feeling like you do? Imagine having the strength to ignore the compulsions? We are not helping you because you don’t seem to like our advice, but your way of dealing with things isn’t working. Time to get some professional help.
I quit replacing things as the compulsions failed after I bought three irons and two iron boards I use to get relief and that stopped so can’t replace items, clothes or towels when I feel dirty now.
I genuinely do have no money for therapy as I have a wedding. Holidays relax me more.
I genuinely do have no money for therapy as I have a wedding. Holidays relax me more.
So no $$ for therapy but plenty for holidays... Well there ya go folks! Nice!
Positive thoughts
We volunteer our time here and have myriad mental health issues ourselves; we're not paid staff offering advice tailored to your "needs" (ie, what you want to hear).
Furthermore, to say or even imply none of the advice you've received is "helpful" only reveals your true colours and is the reason why many members stopped replying to you, I'm afraid.
I have to say, sorry Phil, but I entirely agree with this.....you have had SO many replies and so many people trying to help, and if they are deemed 'non helpful' then why should we offer more ?
Well constantly saying I don’t listen isn’t helpful replies the help is required in my posts asking the questions
nomorepanic
08-04-19, 20:50
But we have answered the questions for the last 13 years so what more can we do really?
I quit replacing things as the compulsions failed after I bought three irons and two iron boards I use to get relief and that stopped so can’t replace items, clothes or towels when I feel dirty now.
I genuinely do have no money for therapy as I have a wedding. Holidays relax me more.
Ok, well then what about going to see your doctor?
The doctors won’t offer any CBT. It seems people want to silence me like over on the ocd forum if that’s the case again I shall have to pack up and go elsewhere to post.
Nobody's trying to silence you, unless by "silence" you mean "tell you things you don't want to hear".
Nobody here owes anybody else anything - people offer advice in the hope you won't have to suffer as they did.
I can't believe the sense of entitlement you're exhibiting here.
My topics were locked on the other site they silenced me
They refuse to close topics on here despite my request with one of them. I could just delete all my posts and go perhaps that would be easier since it’s the usual faces who reply saying I don’t take advice
The doctors won’t offer any CBT. It seems people want to silence me like over on the ocd forum if that’s the case again I shall have to pack up and go elsewhere to post.
Phil, I think you need to step back a bit. You will never just get replies that you like. Sometimes people will be a bit blunt with you because it’s the only way to get through to you.
Why don’t you ask your doctor what they will offer you?
Stop just dismissing the things that can help you.
Phil, I think you need to step back a bit. You will never just get replies that you like. Sometimes people will be a bit blunt with you because it’s the only way to get through to you.
Why don’t you ask your doctor what they will offer you?
Stop just dismissing the things that can help you.
I don’t like visiting doctors and have been told various times before I can’t get Cbt only way is private and I have no spare cash for that
As for when I did Cbt before I did holidays and Cbt at the moment I can’t afford anymore Cbt don’t see why I should waste more money I listened to people and got Cbt thinking it was a magic cure and it had little effect I wasted £300 or more pounds on it
I need help for this
I got some shirts for my wedding and I had a thought I peed myself. Now I worry I will smell of pee?
My ocd wants me to worry everyone has toilet germs on it or I smell it’s all related to germs and toilet issues how can I deal with this?
...and here's the answer...you need professional help. Nothing we have said has made any difference through the years, why will it this time, what more is there to say ? This isn't an attempt to 'silence' you Phil, its realistically and practically informing you with an answer to your question. When I found for you, and posted a link to an OCD self-help site you were talking of wanting to go the self-help route as it was before your last set of therapy sessions, but did you didn't ever even looking into the support that was offered there?
Regarding CBT, no its not a 'magic cure' its hard work, really hard work if you do it properly, it takes considerable effort from the person in therapy - including working on things at home and throughout your life. I still think it was the right step to take, and I think with committement it could make a difference.
I need help for this
...and here's the answer...you need professional help. Nothing we have said has made any difference through the years, why will it this time, what more is there to say ? This isn't an attempt to 'silence' you Phil, its realistically and practically informing you with an answer to your question. When I found for you, and posted a link to an OCD self-help site you were talking of wanting to go the self-help route as it was before your last set of therapy sessions, but did you didn't ever even looking into the support that was offered there?
Regarding CBT, no its not a 'magic cure' its hard work, really hard work if you do it properly, it takes considerable effort from the person in therapy - including working on things at home and throughout your life.
If that’s the case we all need professional help. It’s easy to Pam me off to the next person if I don’t come on these forums people don’t have to reply everybody is happy. Forums and professional help have failed to work so I remain stuck.
Palm you off to the next person? I'm sorry Phil, but I have no responsibility for you, YOU have responsibility for you. I think that is where this is going wrong, and I say this with the best intentions by challenging you this way. I suspect that is why CBT (was it ERP form?) failed, you are expecting others to sort this out and not using your own personal resources, and take responsibility for building skills which you consistently need to practice and work on. The reason why forums are 'failing' and professional help is 'failing' is because the link that is missing is that YOU need to follow advice, you need to put in the really hard work that is required. I know there are some areas where you have made some progress, but looking back on the threads of the last 13 years, it seems like the one missing element is your acceptance that you can improve things.
Palm you off to the next person? I'm sorry Phil, but I have no responsibility for you, YOU have responsibility for you. I think that is where this is going wrong, and I say this with the best intentions by challenging you this way. I suspect that is why CBT (was it ERP form?) failed, you are expecting others to sort this out and not using your own personal resources, and take responsibility for building skills which you consistently need to practice and work on. The reason why forums are 'failing' and professional help is 'failing' is because the link that is missing is that YOU need to follow advice, you need to put in the really hard work that is required. I know there are some areas where you have made some progress, but looking back on the threads of the last 13 years, it seems like the one missing element is your acceptance that you can improve things.
Because when I take responsibility I go down the psychology route question life, free will, existance and worry I am controlled therefore have no control over anything anyway to care. So yes I look to others for advice. I have a wedding coming up I worry I smell of pee and I worry about dirty washing germs I can’t get these themes out of my head
Because when I take responsibility I go down the psychology route question life, free will, existance and worry I am controlled therefore have no control over anything anyway to care.
Sorry, I'm not understanding this, could you explain it again in a slightly different way?
Sorry, I'm not understanding this, could you explain it again in a slightly different way?
Solipsism where you think you are the only one who exists and life is an illusion.
No free will is a religious view but psychology also. If I had no free will it wouldn’t matter what I do someone else does it for me and I’m a puppet on a string?
Solipsism where you think you are the only one who exists and life is an illusion.
No free will is a religious view but psychology also. If I had no free will it wouldn’t matter what I do someone else does it for me and I’m a puppet on a string?
So the universe is to blame for your lack of responsibility and we only exist in your head. Hmm. I have a simpler explanation...
You've admitted before that you're "lazy" - and therapy requires hard work. You're not prepared to put in the effort and want someone else to do the work for you. That will never happen though, so for now, you're in limbo like the characters in Samuel Beckett's play Waiting For Godot.
And Godot never comes.
venusbluejeans
09-04-19, 01:12
What happened with the *DAMH Phil? (Substitute the * with the initial of area which you live)
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-19, 02:08
I don’t like visiting doctors and have been told various times before I can’t get Cbt only way is private and I have no spare cash for that
As for when I did Cbt before I did holidays and Cbt at the moment I can’t afford anymore Cbt don’t see why I should waste more money I listened to people and got Cbt thinking it was a magic cure and it had little effect I wasted £300 or more pounds on it
Who told you it was a magic cure? I can't remember seeing that on here but regardless there is no such thing.
Whilst you aren't able to access IAPT, which leaves you on the old CMHT process, your psychiatrist did recently state they could get you into Applied Relaxation Therapy. I've asked you several times about this but you never answered my questions.
Why not try it? It is a GAD treatment at the same level (Level 3) in NICE guidance for GAD. Whilst it may not be used so much for OCD-style disorders you may find some benefit from it and won't it be free?
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-19, 02:12
I quit replacing things as the compulsions failed after I bought three irons and two iron boards I use to get relief and that stopped so can’t replace items, clothes or towels when I feel dirty now.
I genuinely do have no money for therapy as I have a wedding. Holidays relax me more.
Good about the replacing. But has it been substituted with another compulsion now? What happens when you get no relief?
And I've said before about the compulsions and you needing to accept it's OCD 101 that you need to eliminate them, not rely on them as a recovery strategy. Will you accept this?
To be fair about the cash situation, Phil doesn't live alone and do his own thing so has to consider his partner in getting married. That's their call.
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-19, 02:14
If that’s the case we all need professional help. It’s easy to Pam me off to the next person if I don’t come on these forums people don’t have to reply everybody is happy. Forums and professional help have failed to work so I remain stuck.
Well, yes, we do. But we can use self help anyway and no professional is going to cure you because the only way to do that would be to dose you up with something to take it all away. Professionals help us but to be clear, we do all the hard work. Places like this offer support, signposting, learning about why you feel the way you do and other things professionels either can't or just don't have the time or remit for anyway, etc.
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-19, 02:21
My topics were locked on the other site they silenced me
They refuse to close topics on here despite my request with one of them. I could just delete all my posts and go perhaps that would be easier since it’s the usual faces who reply saying I don’t take advice
Admin do lock threads on here. On your other thread Nic said you can do it yourself and I've asked on their how because we have never had that permission (in my time here). We can only delete so perhaps Admin thought we could on the forum upgrade https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?224627-False-ocd-thoughts/page6
They may be resistant to locking though if the person is just going to raise new threads.
Other forums operate different policies whereby they apply the brakes to get the person to stop seeking reassurance. Whether this works is debatable as we don't know whether that person just sits terrified or heads of to seek reassurance from someone else or on another forum. I understand the concept but I believe it is naïve to assume it works without evidence.
As has been mentioned there is a point where it's difficult to know what to say as we are repeating ourselves. I've been posting on your threads for years now and I don't get frustrated because I realise part of the battle is learning to accept these experiences but we are all at different stages of our own battles and it may be more frustrating for others who are under more pressure themselves right now. So, slack has to be cut both ways to an extent. However, you do post things like a situation and "how do I solve this" and the answer is what we have already given you.
I do understand how ruts feel but like I said elsewhere if you are a reassurance seeker you can expect people on your case. You are seen more often and so lack of progress is highlighted. If you didn't seek reassurance you would find less of this as those who don't post much don't attract the same attention and frustration. Although I do wonder whether it is reassurance seeking or potentially obsessive chasing down of details that get you bogged down. I have been through myself, and seen others on here do it, where you analyse the hell out of a recovery method rather than get on with it and then you starts searching again. I see this in people who buy book after book. It's searching for the magic cure for some.
However, you do post things like a situation and "how do I solve this" and the answer is what we have already given you.
Yup, exactly - answer after answer after answer for years. Phil everything we think about this, and how you can help yourself is already there, its already been said. To be even more honest, I suspect the therapists you have seen are feeling the same - that you are expecting a magic wand to fix this and aren't following their advice/practice work. Why should people invest personal time in 'helping' when you haven't taken any steps towards self help ? Different people have offered different ideas and suggestions, read back through your threads, the suggestions are listed time after time. Today is could be that you smell of pee, tomorrow replacing irons - the scenario doesn't matter, its all the same issue. SO, when you post a different scenario, we just see the same problem.
As for the universe and free will and whatever it was - I'm not at all sure how that fits in with actually choosing to see that YOU have responsibility for finding a path in treating your OCD. I think thats an excuse. I don't know why you don't go down any of the self-help routes that have been suggested, we can only surmise based on the pattern we see here, but for some reason you don't want to or are too lazy to or are over analyzing. I recall you blaming your fiance a number of times for 'triggering your OCD' and saying it was mean and out of order , when she was just doing ordinary everyday things. OWN the issue that you have Phil,its not everybody else doing things to you, or the universe conspiring, we can't solve things long-term only you can.
nomorepanic
09-04-19, 09:47
Sorry I meant delete threads not close them. Only admins can close them.
I have closed the thread as it would be a shame to lose all the great input that people have put into it.
From my point of view it would be so good if you could just acknowledge and thank people for their continued input over the years even if nothing said has made any difference at all to your situation. I appreciate that this wouldn't come naturally to you but it is possible to learn to say these things even if this seems very strange to you and you see no reason for it. Both my son and daughter have had to "learn" that other people suffer too as a result of their behaviours/actions. The very fact that you cannot see or appreciate that your fiancee would be equally affected by your OCD is an example of this. Your needs appear to take priority over anyone else's needs. There are many people on here who have suffered for decades-who are not necessarily "avoidants"-but who would never dream of using the forum as you do-demanding a "magic cure" and blanking anything remotely challenging. At least admit that you are scared of anything new and challenging? We all would understand and empathise. Using "solipsism" as an excuse is a cop out.
Good about the replacing. But has it been substituted with another compulsion now? What happens when you get no relief?
And I've said before about the compulsions and you needing to accept it's OCD 101 that you need to eliminate them, not rely on them as a recovery strategy. Will you accept this?
To be fair about the cash situation, Phil doesn't live alone and do his own thing so has to consider his partner in getting married. That's their call.
What happens? Well I get anxious and sometimes avoid stuff for example I worried my Top was dirty so I worried all the shops I visited were contamaited by me so I worry next time I visit they will have dirty laundry germs. Now the Top was clean but my ocd says different.
My partner touched the bin and washing machine powder drawer my urge was to replace the washing machine the only reason I never was if I ordered new machine I would worry about it going in the back door past some bins.
I may worry or ruminate about the bin germs on my clothes but sometimes I can forget it.
So yes not replacing stuff is progress but does it help well sometimes if I forget about it yes but if I worry about it still it doesn’t feel like a win?
Its not pleasant on your wedding day worrying you smell of pee but I have ocd so I expect this I should no longer be surprised that it affects me in this way.
Yup, exactly - answer after answer after answer for years. Phil everything we think about this, and how you can help yourself is already there, its already been said. To be even more honest, I suspect the therapists you have seen are feeling the same - that you are expecting a magic wand to fix this and aren't following their advice/practice work. Why should people invest personal time in 'helping' when you haven't taken any steps towards self help ? Different people have offered different ideas and suggestions, read back through your threads, the suggestions are listed time after time. Today is could be that you smell of pee, tomorrow replacing irons - the scenario doesn't matter, its all the same issue. SO, when you post a different scenario, we just see the same problem.
As for the universe and free will and whatever it was - I'm not at all sure how that fits in with actually choosing to see that YOU have responsibility for finding a path in treating your OCD. I think thats an excuse. I don't know why you don't go down any of the self-help routes that have been suggested, we can only surmise based on the pattern we see here, but for some reason you don't want to or are too lazy to or are over analyzing. I recall you blaming your fiance a number of times for 'triggering your OCD' and saying it was mean and out of order , when she was just doing ordinary everyday things. OWN the issue that you have Phil,its not everybody else doing things to you, or the universe conspiring, we can't solve things long-term only you can.
True self help works I use a programme for anxiety that can’t me mentinoned here also used Claire weeks over the years and breakfree from your ocd books. Tried mindfuleness. Tried headspace and relaxation meditation on the Amazon echo. Exercise can help a bit and not drinking too much cola.
I admit I can be lazy I want to have a normal life and not have to sit and read up on anxiety or meditate. It all jargon to me.
Can you understand that these worries aren't rational, though?
Can you understand that these worries aren't rational, though?
Not sure maybe others get these worries i dont know. It’s mostly toilet based germs and dirty laundry so atleast that makes it easier. I don’t fear harm from germs I just hate the idea of something not being new or perfect. If I worry I smell of pee I worry becuase I have the thought it may be true that’s the issue. The ocd is like a bully out to spoil my day.
You haven't answered my question, though. Do you know that your obsessions and the compulsions you use to cope with them aren't rooted in rational thought?
venusbluejeans
09-04-19, 14:47
What happened with the *DAMH Phil? (Substitute the * with the initial of area which you live)
.
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-19, 14:51
Sorry I meant delete threads not close them. Only admins can close them.
Thanks Nic.
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-19, 14:56
True self help works I use a programme for anxiety that can’t me mentinoned here also used Claire weeks over the years and breakfree from your ocd books. Tried mindfuleness. Tried headspace and relaxation meditation on the Amazon echo. Exercise can help a bit and not drinking too much cola.
I admit I can be lazy I want to have a normal life and not have to sit and read up on anxiety or meditate. It all jargon to me.
If that's the one I'm thinking of please remember the statements they make about CBT are proven nonsense. CBT is one of the most evidenced based treatments available.
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-19, 15:01
What happens? Well I get anxious and sometimes avoid stuff for example I worried my Top was dirty so I worried all the shops I visited were contamaited by me so I worry next time I visit they will have dirty laundry germs. Now the Top was clean but my ocd says different.
My partner touched the bin and washing machine powder drawer my urge was to replace the washing machine the only reason I never was if I ordered new machine I would worry about it going in the back door past some bins.
I may worry or ruminate about the bin germs on my clothes but sometimes I can forget it.
So yes not replacing stuff is progress but does it help well sometimes if I forget about it yes but if I worry about it still it doesn’t feel like a win?
Its not pleasant on your wedding day worrying you smell of pee but I have ocd so I expect this I should no longer be surprised that it affects me in this way.
OK, so you have a compulsion in there to deal with (avoiding shops) but also challenging/accepting your thoughts and accepting you can cope with the anxiety you feel. Keep doing things and showing yourself you can do them.
Accept your subconscious will tell you something if tainted and it wants to replace it. But respond by acknowledging it's only an option, one of many possibilities and you decide which to choose. Learn to be less responsive to the thoughts.
As far as what you said about Solipsism, that's just your anxiety looking to keep itself alive. It telling you their is no control so why bother is just like it saying to an Agoraphobic to stay in so you are safe. This is fundamental to anxiety, it is meant to stay there as a big scary bear should always be a big scary bear. This is why it takes a while to change core beliefs. The more you don't respond to them the more it will learn they are meaningless and stop sending them.
I posted this in another thread Phil (Sore Stomach) and sadly, as usual, there was no response. I'm copying it here to illustrate a point and reinforce what many are saying. This is just one example of hundreds. One only need to look at your post history to see it.
I have had this sore stomach on and off. It can suddenly come on mostly in the evening I take some stomach tablets but that’s not helping much. If I sleep and wake up it goes away? Could it be anxiety?
Just for purposes of illustration. This is from a thread you posted in 2011 with the same title of "Sore Stomach" Please note the identical pattern. There are many, many examples like this in your thread history.
I have a sore stomach is there any cure? It's like turning away I had a date last night and was nervous after it if she would get back in touch and my mum has a bug so I'm worried shes gave me it. Or I had a curry last night and it's went for my bowels..or could it just be anxiety? :blush:
It is anxiety and other mental illnesses that are causing the issues you post about. I've seen the very same posts verbatim on other forums from you as well and replies that are the same. I see people offering tips, links and also getting frustrated at the lack of response. IMO, after suffering for close to half your life with this, you're approaching the cliff. With your plans for marriage and perhaps a future family, no more excuses, it's time to shit or get off the pot.
Positive thoughts
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-19, 17:03
From my point of view it would be so good if you could just acknowledge and thank people for their continued input over the years even if nothing said has made any difference at all to your situation. I appreciate that this wouldn't come naturally to you but it is possible to learn to say these things even if this seems very strange to you and you see no reason for it. Both my son and daughter have had to "learn" that other people suffer too as a result of their behaviours/actions. The very fact that you cannot see or appreciate that your fiancee would be equally affected by your OCD is an example of this. Your needs appear to take priority over anyone else's needs. There are many people on here who have suffered for decades-who are not necessarily "avoidants"-but who would never dream of using the forum as you do-demanding a "magic cure" and blanking anything remotely challenging. At least admit that you are scared of anything new and challenging? We all would understand and empathise. Using "solipsism" as an excuse is a cop out.Yes, agreed. Those who have learned to stop it impacting on those around them through hard work. Just like with any chronic condition you end up saying the same things since symptoms may not change much and it's about how you adapt rather than let it suck you into negativity leading to depression.
I am going through phases where I think the washing isn’t clean so put it on another cycle. Also I worry if I touch something in the bathroom automatically it’s the plunger last night I had to shower at 4am due to it. Also I worried my top was dirty so I worried I would contaminate the shops how can I deal with this better?
venusbluejeans
10-04-19, 13:05
What happened with the *DAMH Phil? (Substitute the * with the initial of area which you live) I ask for the 3rd time
I ask for the 3rd time
I can’t reply as I can’t remember
venusbluejeans
10-04-19, 14:07
Thank you for finally replying Phil... I have to say though I am really quite annoyed that you don't remember!
I spent at least 4/5 days in the middle of last year searching for mental health care in your area, some of which were free of charge. We spent that time PM'ing each other backwards and forwards..... I am so glad it was so memorable and useful to you, especially as I took the time to have an email conversation on your behalf with a mental health charity..... one that offers it's time free of charge!!
I very much wish I hadn't done this now as obviously you took absolutely no notice of anything I did for you as you can't even remember now!! I wasted my time and the charities.
You still repeatedly say you cannot get help and you would have to pay for mental health care in your area......... poppycock!
You are just as you say very lazy and refuse to take ownership of your disorders and seem to like to blame others for not helping you where as you very much cannot help yourself.
I am also convinced you lied to me as you told me you had got an appointment with this charity, yet you can not even remember it....
I will not be helping you again. because you cannot actually take anything onboard and attempt to help yourself :mad:
Just as a reminder and to jog your memory this was the email reply I got from the charity..... (I share it as it may help others who actually want to be helped)
Hi Emma,
Thank you for your email and contacting us about your friend. *DAMH is the mental health charity in this area and we do have various services, most of which are free of charge.
As I don’t know the history of your friends’ mental health it is difficult for me to recommend a suitable service, however we would be happy to see him for an assessment appointment and support him in whatever way we can. If there are no suitable *DAMH services, then we would be able to signpost or refer him to other relevant services if necessary.
If your friend feels able, we have a service called the Immediate Help Service, which offers a prompt assessment appointment with a member of staff. This would give your friend the opportunity to talk about some of the issues he is facing, and help find a suitable way forward for him. Maybe if you asked him to call the centre to book an appointment that would be helpful?
I hope you have found this information useful, however if you have any further questions please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards,
Jane Boyd
And please do not tell me "oh yes that.... I had an appointment and they couldn't help me" as I am 99% certain that would be a lie too.
I am aware that this may come across as harsh and scathing BUT it is how I feel...
Wow Venus. You went above and beyond. I can't blame you at all for feeling the way you do!
I shall post elsewhere until I find a helpful reply.
:whistles:
Positive thoughts
venusbluejeans
10-04-19, 14:36
Wow Venus. You went above and beyond. I can't blame you at all for feeling the way you do!
Positive thoughts
I like to think the best in people, until proved otherwise and in this case........
Venus, I don't blame you at all for feeling so 'used', after going to considerable wasted effort. There was me getting annoyed about my 30 mins finding links to other mental health sites for Phil on another thread (which were never used) and you did SO much more. I also thank you for making the long comment above, as it clarifies for many people exactly why they are frustrated and feeling they are wasting their time. I hope Phil gives you the courtesy of a reply.....however....at least the information you have foound out might help someone else.
I shall post elsewhere until I find a helpful reply.
Nice work Phil, alienating everyone who has gone to so much trouble for you over many many years. You are still going to be searching for people to 'sort you out' for the rest of your life, unless you actually DO something yourself and stop blaming others and thinking they have responsibility for how you are. You have been handed 'the key' so many times over the years on the forum, and never pick it put it in the lock yourself! I suspect the very same has occurred in therapy.
I apologise for not going ahead with the link above but it was a personal choice instead I went with private CBT. I may seek further CBT but that’s when my funds improve after the wedding.
I would like extra support on these fourms but as my messages are no longer being replies to direct I may take a break or quit these fourms altogether. I do not wish not engage on whether I listen or seek help debates or what people think. I have read some good advice and some of it I have listened to. For example I have quit replacing and doing compulsions.
So yes if people don’t want to help anymore not much more I can add. I don’t see other people getting picked on for not taking advice. So yes I have quit the ocd forum because the topic was locked and I was silenced and nobody mailed to see how I was so I won’t return there. And I refuse to engage in further debates here about my partner or how things work for me. I wanted to keep the advice only on my stag night or wedding as it will be stressful so yes people should have PM’d me instead if they have issues. So at the moment I will be forced to quit posting and post for help elsewhere maybe where I am less well known on another forum.
You really don't have any self-awareness at all, do you?
Your problems extend far beyond these upcoming events, and if the way you behave towards people on here is any indicator, I worry for those around you.
I worry for you, too, but at some point you need to take a measure of responsibility for yourself and your health.
nomorepanic
10-04-19, 19:23
That is your choice and good luck with it but unless things change you will meet the same response on other forums.
You really don't have any self-awareness at all, do you?
Your problems extend far beyond these upcoming events, and if the way you behave towards people on here is any indicator, I worry for those around you.
I worry for you, too, but at some point you need to take a measure of responsibility for yourself and your health.
Yes I know what you think just like you were wrong about what you said about my partner. Which is why I won’t be debating any of this now.
I would like extra support on these fourms but as my messages are no longer being replies to direct I may take a break or quit these fourms altogether.
Your choice Phil, entirely. However, the reason why people aren't giving you the responses that you WANT (although I think the responses you have got recently on this thread are probably the most helpful you have ever had, because they are realistic and getting to the root of the problems) is because it has all been said for the last 13 years, over and over. We are at the point of having nothing extra to say about each scenario, as the scenarios are all part of the same ongoing issues, we have reached a position where we are going in circles and its clearly not making a difference to you long-term. You can't keep demanding that people give you the answers that tick your personal boxes, we aren't your paid staff, and for what its worth I think the crux of things has been highlighted in recent pages, in the challenges made to you.
I say none of this in an aggressive or argumentative fashion, but it is clear to most reading that if you do move on to another forum then the same situation will be repeated, then another move and the same situation repeated. The answers aren't outside of yourself Phil, they are within.
Can I ask you a question - who have YOU helped on this forum, have you replied to others to help them ?
I don’t see other people getting picked on for not taking advice. .
You are NOT being "picked on". You can't get away with twisting the truth, Phil. You are being challenged on your poor attitude.
And you are NOT being judged on how long you've been here asking for "advice" either. People aren't expected to recover in a set time period but blaming everything on others and taking little to no personal responsibility is not acceptable - anywhere you go.
And to answer Carys' question re you helping others... Phil has 747 threads where he talks exclusively about himself. Therefore, he had no time to help others.
All the best for the future if you decide to go. We have really tried to help but you have a habit of biting the hand that feeds you :lac:
The problem with wanting things on your own terms only is that it's nigh on impossible to make any progress either through self-help measures or through therapy which is why nothing has "worked". You want a magic solution and an instant "cure"- no one can give you that. You need to be taught how to deal with emotions which you don't understand.
MyNameIsTerry
11-04-19, 02:47
I apologise for not going ahead with the link above but it was a personal choice instead I went with private CBT. I may seek further CBT but that’s when my funds improve after the wedding.
I would like extra support on these fourms but as my messages are no longer being replies to direct I may take a break or quit these fourms altogether. I do not wish not engage on whether I listen or seek help debates or what people think. I have read some good advice and some of it I have listened to. For example I have quit replacing and doing compulsions.
So yes if people don’t want to help anymore not much more I can add. I don’t see other people getting picked on for not taking advice. So yes I have quit the ocd forum because the topic was locked and I was silenced and nobody mailed to see how I was so I won’t return there. And I refuse to engage in further debates here about my partner or how things work for me. I wanted to keep the advice only on my stag night or wedding as it will be stressful so yes people should have PM’d me instead if they have issues. So at the moment I will be forced to quit posting and post for help elsewhere maybe where I am less well known on another forum.
Other people get the same comments on NMP, phil. It has been such a hot topic over the years I've been here Admin even have a thread about it. It's something seen more on the HA board and compared to them, I don't think you have had as much feedback in this manner anyway.
The thing is your threads overlap which is why more than just the stag night gets discussed. There is only so much that can be discussed in isolation without considering the wider picture that constitutes the real problems in here which are the anxiety disorder(s) underneath any given theme. Practical advice on the stag night issue with the footballer was done pretty quick and the anxiety is the rest hence relevant responses will be aimed at that.
It's a shame you feel like this. I don't agree with PMing people about issues I have, it's a bit like knocking on someone's front door to tell them you don't like them, so won't be doing so but if it's something between two people who are already doing so then I can understand that. But whether people will PM is up to them and to be honest, if people want help they can ask as we all have our own issues to contend with.
Best of luck with what you do but keep working on those compulsions, you are still doing some of them whether you see it or not it's just you have others to work on and eliminate as you have the others, and look towards changing your reactions to thoughts, your perceptions of situations and look into working on Perfectionism.
Well the big night out is soon getting a video done at stag and booked another singer for the wedding. No celebs though but it’s been an expensive time.
Post the video!
Positive thoughts
Post the video!
Positive thoughts
Haha yes I’m sure people would love to see it’s actuality to film the guy sing rather than everyone getting drunk :)
MyNameIsTerry
29-04-19, 01:51
Could be like Cloverfield with a rampaging monster! :biggrin:
Have a great night when it comes, phil! :yesyes:
wanderer02
29-04-19, 02:38
Other people get the same comments on NMP, phil. It has been such a hot topic over the years I've been here Admin even have a thread about it. It's something seen more on the HA board and compared to them, I don't think you have had as much feedback in this manner anyway.
The thing is your threads overlap which is why more than just the stag night gets discussed. There is only so much that can be discussed in isolation without considering the wider picture that constitutes the real problems in here which are the anxiety disorder(s) underneath any given theme. Practical advice on the stag night issue with the footballer was done pretty quick and the anxiety is the rest hence relevant responses will be aimed at that.
It's a shame you feel like this. I don't agree with PMing people about issues I have, it's a bit like knocking on someone's front door to tell them you don't like them, so won't be doing so but if it's something between two people who are already doing so then I can understand that. But whether people will PM is up to them and to be honest, if people want help they can ask as we all have our own issues to contend with.
Best of luck with what you do but keep working on those compulsions, you are still doing some of them whether you see it or not it's just you have others to work on and eliminate as you have the others, and look towards changing your reactions to thoughts, your perceptions of situations and look into working on Perfectionism.This is a huge thread and I've read most of it out of interest and I am simply baffled by the divine patience and compassion many members are showing in their replies, it's just amazing.
I'm my time as an ocd sufferer I've checked quite a few forums and I must say that this place is special simply because some members are willing to go above and beyond to help others.
OCD teaches us to master patience, not by choice but by affliction but what some members do for others on here is just beyond belief.
I'm so glad that places like this exists.
I got new clothes for my stag night and shoes but worry the toilet plunger has contaminated them or I worry the clothes are dirty these are the kind of thoughts I get?
I got new clothes for my stag night and shoes but worry the toilet plunger has contaminated them or I worry the clothes are dirty these are the kind of thoughts I get?
They aren’t dirty, it didn’t contaminated them. These are your thoughts and are not your reality. Your reality is that you are anxious and your worry repeating a new variation on contamination and germs every day. But the worry isn’t a real thing, not all worries are useful or true.
Can you give me an example of something you worry about that’s real and something that is caused by anxiety?
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OCD teaches us to master patience, not by choice but by affliction but what some members do for others on here is just beyond belief.
I'm so glad that places like this exists.
Bless your heart, what lovely things to say - Mr.Terry above is a superstar and I honestly have never come across anybody, ANYBODY, in real life or online who has his seriously saintly level of patience.
venusbluejeans
29-04-19, 19:38
I got new clothes for my stag night and shoes but worry the toilet plunger has contaminated them or I worry the clothes are dirty these are the kind of thoughts I get?
So what are you going to do about it? you can't go to your Stag night naked....... everyone would think you were the stripper.
So what are you going to do about it? you can't go to your Stag night naked....... everyone would think you were the stripper.
Now THAT would be an interesting video! :roflmao:Seriously though... just more of the same (https://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forum/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/toilet-brushplunger-ocd).
Positive thoughts
So what are you going to do about it? you can't go to your Stag night naked....... everyone would think you were the stripper.
It could be a naturist stag party. You could have someone putting on their clothes for entertainment [emoji16]
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They aren’t dirty, it didn’t contaminated them. These are your thoughts and are not your reality. Your reality is that you are anxious and your worry repeating a new variation on contamination and germs every day. But the worry isn’t a real thing, not all worries are useful or true.
Can you give me an example of something you worry about that’s real and something that is caused by anxiety?
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As I said 90% of my thoughts are false made up situations. A real life germ situation was when my mum touched dirty Landry then touched my table I worry about it now but I used an anti bacterial wipe. So this worry wasn’t a false thought.
But yeah I worried my work shoes touched the plunger what happened well right up until I got a new pair I worried they were dirty and spreading germs. I never replaced them like I use to but because I had a thought about them being dirty each day that passed I thought they were dirty.
Crazy thing is I expected this might happen and I actually have a video of me taking these shoes upstairs in a box and that’s still not enough to reassure me. Ocd isn’t easy is it when video evidence isn’t enough?
So what are you going to do about it? you can't go to your Stag night naked....... everyone would think you were the stripper.
Well yeah and as I said I have no free cash to replace it anyway
Worst case is I have a bad night due to it. I mean I already worry my wedding suit is dirty too!
venusbluejeans
29-04-19, 20:39
I thought you said you had done replacing things anyway..... that that compulsion you had beaten? or is it just because you don't have the money to do it that you don't?
Seriously if the stag night is causing you so much stress to your OCD then cancel it, you don't have to have one (there is no law that states if you get married you have to have one.... tradition... yes.... necessity..... no) and lets face it if you aren't going to enjoy it whats the point in having one.... why would you do something that is causing you so much stress and making your OCD worse.
Remember a stag night is for you to enjoy and not something to show everyone else how good you are and what you can afford to do. A chance to have one good night out with your friends before you get married and are chanined to the kitchen sink (so to speak) if you can't have that good night out then there is there any point in you doing it??...... real friends wouldn't mind if you cancelled it for the sake of your own mental health.
venusbluejeans
29-04-19, 20:40
It could be a naturist stag party. You could have someone putting on their clothes for entertainment [emoji16]
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Hahaha love it :roflmao:
As I said 90% of my thoughts are false made up situations. A real life germ situation was when my mum touched dirty Landry then touched my table I worry about it now but I used an anti bacterial wipe. So this worry wasn’t a false thought.
But yeah I worried my work shoes touched the plunger what happened well right up until I got a new pair I worried they were dirty and spreading germs. I never replaced them like I use to but because I had a thought about them being dirty each day that passed I thought they were dirty.
Crazy thing is I expected this might happen and I actually have a video of me taking these shoes upstairs in a box and that’s still not enough to reassure me. Ocd isn’t easy is it when video evidence isn’t enough?
So, your first example was a worry that you dealt with - but it was still an anxiety worry. Most people don’t worry about that kind of thing, so it’s an anxiety worry. Your worry about your shoes is also an anxiety worry. Keep watching that video, until you’re bored stiff of it.
A real worry would be something that you can solve practically, like have you got enough money for a honeymoon. Your anxiety worries are not real worries, they are part of your mental health concerns that you need to start fighting. The more attention you give them, the more they demand.
Your anxiety is the thing that needs action, not the germs.
Does any of this make sense? Because if not I have a really good book that I could be reading....
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I thought you said you had done replacing things anyway..... that that compulsion you had beaten? or is it just because you don't have the money to do it that you don't?
Seriously if the stag night is causing you so much stress to your OCD then cancel it, you don't have to have one (there is no law that states if you get married you have to have one.... tradition... yes.... necessity..... no) and lets face it if you aren't going to enjoy it whats the point in having one.... why would you do something that is causing you so much stress and making your OCD worse.
Remember a stag night is for you to enjoy and not something to show everyone else how good you are and what you can afford to do. A chance to have one good night out with your friends before you get married and are chanined to the kitchen sink (so to speak) if you can't have that good night out then there is there any point in you doing it??...... real friends wouldn't mind if you cancelled it for the sake of your own mental health.
I wouldn’t say cancel it because I booked musicians for my wedding and I also stressed about my wedding suit so basically the level of anxiety about the stag is the same worries for the wedding can’t cancel that..
So, your first example was a worry that you dealt with - but it was still an anxiety worry. Most people don’t worry about that kind of thing, so it’s an anxiety worry. Your worry about your shoes is also an anxiety worry. Keep watching that video, until you’re bored stiff of it.
A real worry would be something that you can solve practically, like have you got enough money for a honeymoon. Your anxiety worries are not real worries, they are part of your mental health concerns that you need to start fighting. The more attention you give them, the more they demand.
Your anxiety is the thing that needs action, not the germs.
Does any of this make sense? Because if not I have a really good book that I could be reading....
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Yes it makes sense and I get that you say they are not real but they feel real having these thoughts make it feel real like it happened and the item is dirty.
I hate when I go on a loop of worry my wedding excitement tonight switched to googling worrying over dying and these sort of depressing thoughts.
But yes I could keep watching the video I actually got two pairs of shoes and I don’t worry about the pair I never got on video only the pair I got on video that’s what I don’t get about this ocd condition I mean I could wear the other shoes but id Miss the joy of something new which is kind of pointless as I get new ones for the night out.
When you took the video, in your head you were already associating the shoes with germs, so that’s why you can’t shake the idea.
Yes, they feel real but they aren’t. You have fought through this before, you can do it again and it will get easier because you’ll realise that nothing bad will happen.
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I thought you said you had done replacing things anyway..... that that compulsion you had beaten? or is it just because you don't have the money to do it that you don't?
Seriously if the stag night is causing you so much stress to your OCD then cancel it, you don't have to have one (there is no law that states if you get married you have to have one.... tradition... yes.... necessity..... no) and lets face it if you aren't going to enjoy it whats the point in having one.... why would you do something that is causing you so much stress and making your OCD worse.
Remember a stag night is for you to enjoy and not something to show everyone else how good you are and what you can afford to do. A chance to have one good night out with your friends before you get married and are chanined to the kitchen sink (so to speak) if you can't have that good night out then there is there any point in you doing it??...... real friends wouldn't mind if you cancelled it for the sake of your own mental health.
Yep!...This has just conveniently morphed into yet another reassurance seeking contamination thread like the hundreds of others here and elsewhere on the web. Nothing said here will help as its up to Phil to deal with :whistles:
Positive thoughts
venusbluejeans
29-04-19, 21:52
Yep!...This has just conveniently morphed into yet another reassurance seeking contamination thread like the hundreds of others here and elsewhere on the web. Nothing said here will help as its up to Phil to deal with :whistles:
Positive thoughts
Completely agree.... It is Phils illness and one that he needs to deal with.... no one else can help him if he won't help himself (damn couldn't get the word 'you' into that sentence anywhere..... ah well will bold something else :) )
damn couldn't get the word 'you' into that sentence anywhere..... ah well will bold something else :smile:
Ha ha ! That made me laugh. You've gotta move back from writing in the third person, to writing in the second person...then YOU can YOUUUUUUUUUUU
MyNameIsTerry
30-04-19, 01:55
It could be a naturist stag party. You could have someone putting on their clothes for entertainment [emoji16]
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That's a brilliant idea! It reminds me of the Red Dwarf episode, Backwards "in this reality Santa Claus sneaks down the chimney and steals all the kids toys, what a b.astard :roflmao:
MyNameIsTerry
30-04-19, 02:47
Bless your heart, what lovely things to say - Mr.Terry above is a superstar and I honestly have never come across anybody, ANYBODY, in real life or online who has his seriously saintly level of patience.
I have my coping strategies; punch bag next to my desk, room just for screaming in and my own version of aversion therapy which consists of a "FFS box" next to my computer...which soon sorted me out as I'm a right miser :ohmy::blush::noangel::winks::roflmao:
(and thanks for your very kind words :flowers:)
MyNameIsTerry
30-04-19, 02:51
But yes I could keep watching the video I actually got two pairs of shoes and I don’t worry about the pair I never got on video only the pair I got on video that’s what I don’t get about this ocd condition I mean I could wear the other shoes but id Miss the joy of something new which is kind of pointless as I get new ones for the night out.
BIB - we've discussed before how this condition is selective in nature. The whole basis of an anxiety disorder is irrational levels of fear or irrational subjects of fear therefore you can only rationalise things so far. The rest you have to accept. Read what the docs say about the condition, accept it and don't waste time wondering why this condition does what it does in that respect because you don't need to for the same reasons you don't ponder why one person gets coughed on and gets a cold and another doesn't.
MyNameIsTerry
30-04-19, 03:04
As I said 90% of my thoughts are false made up situations. A real life germ situation was when my mum touched dirty Landry then touched my table I worry about it now but I used an anti bacterial wipe. So this worry wasn’t a false thought.
Real life germ situations happen tons of times per day for all of us. Your perceptions of what these are need working on.
It's still a false thought, it's based on a falsehood in some respect. You worried about your mum's hand in this scenario but the selective nature of your thinking doesn't see how people do things like this all the time and we just don't know. The postman who handed your a parcel might just have been picking his nose and scratching his bum. Every door handle you touch outside your house (and your external door handles certainly) will be dirty in some respect.
Evidence is never enough because the subconscious doesn't work like that. The conscious mind is termed the executive brain because it does, it makes decisions. All the subconscious is doing is following through pre-programmed procedures and throwing out stuff it can't determine so conscious brain tells it what to do. This is why we have all these subroutines in the subconscious being built from birth to do things for us unless you want to tell your stomach how to digest or your lungs how to breathe. The things built aren't expected to change so easily, they go through the same learning processes everything else we do does (with the exception fears are going to be built quicker because of their nature).
If you learn to play the piano you spend years understanding many elements. When you stop you still remember how to do it all. It takes many years to find you can't recall it as it gets mothballed by more important stuff. Like a skill you are teaching your subconscious something and that takes time. Until you reach a certain point, and there are obviously stages where you see change, why would you expect to be able to play the piano to a great standard? Now consider each of the 88 keys are part of learning how to be anxious. You start with basics, move onto some chords and after a period of time you are reeling off arpeggios. You teach yourself to play the fear piano!
It’s my stag night this weekend but I feel no emotion or any enjoyment has gone.
People on here may remember the window fitter when he touched the laundry basket and I worried for over a year before I moved house well today I feel this worry has been replaced but by the worry of the wheelie bin. I can’t get my head round the fact she touched the wheelie bin and that wheelie bin may have contained blocked toilet tissue. I spoke to others about this and they said “They dropped there phone down the toilet and they carried on using it” had this happened to me I would have been like wow bin the phone dispose of it I would go on that journey.
So what have I learned? Well these germs may be around in other people’s houses I accepted that toilets often get blocked in shopping malls so these blocked toilet germs are around. But I can only see my own issues and I see a black and white thought it says the door handle was clean before now it’s not I can’t see past that.
My fear is this will go on beyond the stag night. I can’t replace the door handle because the person would touch the old handle. I wasn’t going to post but I feel I need to talk I have sat here all day feeing miserable I was previously excited about my stag but now I have no emotion. My sister says I have no ocd because I don’t ocd clean stuff she believes it’s all in my head.
What can I do? More cleaning? Replace the handle? I worry the mobile phone has the germs on it spreading. The item is now tainted as Terry would explain I see it as tainted ruined spoiled and needing replacing.
What can I do?
Follow some of the advice that has already been given, including the FREE services that Venusbluejeans found for you not to mention the numerous links provided by other members
I have not been able to stop worrying over this for past few days now
Have a look at some of the links that people have given you, you might be surprised by how helpful they are. And at least if you’re reading them you won’t be moping about.
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nomorepanic
16-05-19, 19:44
You are still ignoring people Phil as I said in the PM
Have a look at some of the links that people have given you, you might be surprised by how helpful they are. And at least if you’re reading them you won’t be moping about.
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Yes I have read the links and I am no further on. I have bleached the door to see if that helps
Of course it won't help, because you're acting on your compulsion and validating the obsession.
Of course it won't help, because you're acting on your compulsion and validating the obsession.
Ah yes but I advice from other forums to clean the the door handle with disinfectant wipes someone on an anxiety chat room even suggested a new door handle but not sure if he was serious
Yes I have read the links and I am no further on. I have bleached the door to see if that helps
I'm calling this out for what it is, complete TOSH, you have NOT followed up anything that you have been given on your various threads to look into. So.....what did the free place Venus found for you offer in terms of support ?
I'm sure by 'reading the links' Phil they meant read the sites they link to, find appropriate help, start ringing people, start doing something !
I'm calling this out for what it is, complete TOSH, you have NOT followed up anything that you have been given on your various threads to look into. So.....what did the free place Venus found for you offer in terms of support ?
I'm sure by 'reading the links' Phil they meant read the sites they link to, find appropriate help, start ringing people, start doing something !
They offered a chat about what services they offered they never offered CBT. I later did CBT privately in mid 2018 to February 2019. I explained how this never worked too well for me. I also explained I will seek further help and I have looked up other therapists but I can’t afford this until after the wedding this summer. Surely people can realise weddings cost a lot of money? And also I am more comfortable picking out a therapist who I believe will help. Back in 2016 I tried a few free services in my area and they made me feel worse and never actually helped. And people should understand how sensitive mental health issues are I paid over £300 for Cbt which left me short of cash for six months or more and it knocked my confidence so it’s very important I get the right therapist. I don’t believe I have to justify myself when I am coming here looking for support.
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