Stupefy333
22-10-18, 21:14
Hi I’m new here. My story is a long one with so much info so bear with me.
I’m 28, female and Mum to one son. I suffered with ocd badly as a teenager which I still have but it doesn’t over rule my life now.
Since having my son (8 years ago) I have suffered immense health anxiety which has got worse over the last 3/4 years. I have so many physical symptoms from head to toe. Here are just a few and my thoughts behind them.
Fatty lumps started to develop in breasts after gaining weight after having my son and also tender and pin spots and occasional small itchy rashes. I went under breast clinic 3 different occasions and was told just fatty tissue.
These lumps started developing all over my body. Everywhere I hve fat I have lumps. They are all under skin and not typical of lipomas. I saw numerous doctors and was eventually referred to a dermatologist who told me again. It’s just fatty lumps.
I have had headaches since I was a teenager so naturally have been through the whole brain tumour scenario. I still get tight head, brain zaps and light headed ness as well as blurred vision, floaters and vertigo.
I saw a neurologist a few years ago who did some simple sensory tests like following a finger etc and said I was fine and here was no need for a CT scan.
I was then diagnosed with chronic sinusitis. Constant sinus pain, stuffy nose, post nasal drip etc. All of this I think has added to my symptoms of dizzy spells vertigo and blurred vision. I was on various steroid sprays that did nothing and then next option was surgery but I was keen on that so never went back.
3 and a half years ago I noticed a swollen lymph node in my neck. It felt firm and rubbery and didn’t hurt. This hit my anxiety hard and I started having weight loss and night sweats which also being symptoms of lymphoma made me hit rock bottom. Over a period of about 2 months I was constantly in the doctors and going to A and E for this where I had countless blood tests until I was told to stop coming to a and e as there was nothing wrong with me. I then went back to a and e with chest pain and had an x ray in which I was told something had been seen on by the doctor on the ward that night. This freaked me out immensely and I remember walking up and down the ward corridors like a mad person demanding to know more. I had one blood test when I was first admitted which was fine and then after finding out this info about the X-ray in which the doctor told me I was have to wait for the radiologist report I then had another blood test which came back with high white cells. After all my googling of lymphoma I knew this was yet another sign and so it only added to my stress and craziness. I went home that night and went to doctor the next morning to get radiologist appointment and was told all was fine and what the doctor on the ward had seen was a shadow of the light as he wasn’t fully qualified to make judgment. After this I was put on anti depressants and beta blockers which helped. I still have the lymph node in my neck that has always remained the same, around 1cm and doctors at the time said it was fine as long as it didn’t grow. Since going through that time 3 years ago I have had phases where I have worried about lymphoma again and am constantly touching my neck. Only now I have gone the opposite way and avoid going o the doctors. I have been briefly for other things and usually mention the lymph node in conversation and they always sort of say, well if it hasn’t changed or got bigger then it’s fine. One time I was offered ultrasound even after being told this to put my mind at ease but I never went. As I said my anxiety has gone from constantly being at the doctors to avoiding going now. Anyway I was on my tablets for about 18 months and seemed much better. Then I stopped them because I felt I didn’t need them anymore.
My panic returned and two years ago I had an extremely bad bout of vertigo to the point where I couldn’t even turn in bed without the room spinning. After this I started to get the panic attacks again. Heart racing, can’t breath, dizzy. Feeling like I have a fist in my chest that goes through to my back. I would phone ambulances or go to and e and get ecg and told all is fine. This made my partner very angry as he didn’t understand and thought I was making it up and would get a dry with my which made my symptoms worse.
I had a smear test two years ago and my fear was confirmed when I had bad cells. I freaked and had them removed and all was good but then I was so scared that something I worri d about came true that I didn’t go back for my 6 month check and haven’t since. I know I need to do it but it’s been so long now that it worries me more going because I’m convinced it will be bad. I know this is irrational thinking.
Anyway After going back on the meds I felt better and the attacks stopped.
Over the last few months I have started to have nerve problems. I have had a pulling sensation in my mid left back under shoulder blade that only happened occasionally to start with and now seems to be they all the time. I have been getting numbness down my arms and ring and little fingers as well as trapped nerve sensations which make my fingers spasm. I have had burning sensations on skin, prickling and crawling and numbness all over but mainly on the left side of my body. I have now convinced myself I have skin cancer owing to the fact that I have lots of new freckles/ moles developing and a growth almost like a spot but not a spot next to a freckle on my back. It’s in the exact place I have the numb feeling all day and so last night I google the two symptoms and freaked out when everything that came up was about a woman who complained of a pulled muscle but then died two weeks after her wedding because she had had a mole removed but they failed to see she had skin cancer and he pulled feeling was from that.
My heart sunk and I went into fight or flight mode. I had to ring my mum and get reassurance. Then I had to wake my partner and get reassurance although he is never sympathetic and tells me I’m crazy so that just makes things worse.
My relationship with him isn’t great and he is not a good influence for my son. All I worry about is that I am going to die young and that my sons life will be destroyed because he will be left with a deadbeat dad and will end up turning into a thug. My son is also autistic and his dad doesn’t take that into account when dealing with him. This is all that goes though my mind. Even things like Christmas. I make so much effort with my son, ie the whole Santa being real thing and lots of presents etc and I fear that I’m gonna die and he won’t have that anymore because his dad is selfish and terrible with money. All these things worry the he’ll out of me.
So I know it’s not possible to have cervical cancer, breast cancer, lymphoma, brain cancer, skin cancer etc but I have so many symptoms of so many things I am convinced that I have to have at least one.
I know anxiety can cause so many problems physically but can they cause this many?! It scared me so much I convince myself I have cancer and that there is no other explanation and act like I ah e already been told. Then I think about karma and there way of the world and think that if I convince myself and say to people things like I’m going to die then maybe it won’t happen. Because the stories you hear about are of people that are unsuspecting. But then even writing this I can see a scenario in a newspaper where they post snippets of me writing on this forum and it will be one of those stories where they say. “ she knew she had cancer but no one listened and they palmed it off as anxiety and then she refused to go to the doctors and it was too late, she was right all along.”
I know that sounds completely insane but even writing that I think me writing this post is going to make it happen is making me think it’s definately going to happen. Does that make sense to anyone?!!!
I feel like I can’t be a mum to my son. I don’t want to play with him and even making dinner is a struggle as I just want to curl up in a ball and put a tv programme on that is my comfort.
---------- Post added at 21:14 ---------- Previous post was at 18:42 ----------
Sorry I know this is one of the longest posts on here but felt I needed to get in as much info as possible.
I’m 28, female and Mum to one son. I suffered with ocd badly as a teenager which I still have but it doesn’t over rule my life now.
Since having my son (8 years ago) I have suffered immense health anxiety which has got worse over the last 3/4 years. I have so many physical symptoms from head to toe. Here are just a few and my thoughts behind them.
Fatty lumps started to develop in breasts after gaining weight after having my son and also tender and pin spots and occasional small itchy rashes. I went under breast clinic 3 different occasions and was told just fatty tissue.
These lumps started developing all over my body. Everywhere I hve fat I have lumps. They are all under skin and not typical of lipomas. I saw numerous doctors and was eventually referred to a dermatologist who told me again. It’s just fatty lumps.
I have had headaches since I was a teenager so naturally have been through the whole brain tumour scenario. I still get tight head, brain zaps and light headed ness as well as blurred vision, floaters and vertigo.
I saw a neurologist a few years ago who did some simple sensory tests like following a finger etc and said I was fine and here was no need for a CT scan.
I was then diagnosed with chronic sinusitis. Constant sinus pain, stuffy nose, post nasal drip etc. All of this I think has added to my symptoms of dizzy spells vertigo and blurred vision. I was on various steroid sprays that did nothing and then next option was surgery but I was keen on that so never went back.
3 and a half years ago I noticed a swollen lymph node in my neck. It felt firm and rubbery and didn’t hurt. This hit my anxiety hard and I started having weight loss and night sweats which also being symptoms of lymphoma made me hit rock bottom. Over a period of about 2 months I was constantly in the doctors and going to A and E for this where I had countless blood tests until I was told to stop coming to a and e as there was nothing wrong with me. I then went back to a and e with chest pain and had an x ray in which I was told something had been seen on by the doctor on the ward that night. This freaked me out immensely and I remember walking up and down the ward corridors like a mad person demanding to know more. I had one blood test when I was first admitted which was fine and then after finding out this info about the X-ray in which the doctor told me I was have to wait for the radiologist report I then had another blood test which came back with high white cells. After all my googling of lymphoma I knew this was yet another sign and so it only added to my stress and craziness. I went home that night and went to doctor the next morning to get radiologist appointment and was told all was fine and what the doctor on the ward had seen was a shadow of the light as he wasn’t fully qualified to make judgment. After this I was put on anti depressants and beta blockers which helped. I still have the lymph node in my neck that has always remained the same, around 1cm and doctors at the time said it was fine as long as it didn’t grow. Since going through that time 3 years ago I have had phases where I have worried about lymphoma again and am constantly touching my neck. Only now I have gone the opposite way and avoid going o the doctors. I have been briefly for other things and usually mention the lymph node in conversation and they always sort of say, well if it hasn’t changed or got bigger then it’s fine. One time I was offered ultrasound even after being told this to put my mind at ease but I never went. As I said my anxiety has gone from constantly being at the doctors to avoiding going now. Anyway I was on my tablets for about 18 months and seemed much better. Then I stopped them because I felt I didn’t need them anymore.
My panic returned and two years ago I had an extremely bad bout of vertigo to the point where I couldn’t even turn in bed without the room spinning. After this I started to get the panic attacks again. Heart racing, can’t breath, dizzy. Feeling like I have a fist in my chest that goes through to my back. I would phone ambulances or go to and e and get ecg and told all is fine. This made my partner very angry as he didn’t understand and thought I was making it up and would get a dry with my which made my symptoms worse.
I had a smear test two years ago and my fear was confirmed when I had bad cells. I freaked and had them removed and all was good but then I was so scared that something I worri d about came true that I didn’t go back for my 6 month check and haven’t since. I know I need to do it but it’s been so long now that it worries me more going because I’m convinced it will be bad. I know this is irrational thinking.
Anyway After going back on the meds I felt better and the attacks stopped.
Over the last few months I have started to have nerve problems. I have had a pulling sensation in my mid left back under shoulder blade that only happened occasionally to start with and now seems to be they all the time. I have been getting numbness down my arms and ring and little fingers as well as trapped nerve sensations which make my fingers spasm. I have had burning sensations on skin, prickling and crawling and numbness all over but mainly on the left side of my body. I have now convinced myself I have skin cancer owing to the fact that I have lots of new freckles/ moles developing and a growth almost like a spot but not a spot next to a freckle on my back. It’s in the exact place I have the numb feeling all day and so last night I google the two symptoms and freaked out when everything that came up was about a woman who complained of a pulled muscle but then died two weeks after her wedding because she had had a mole removed but they failed to see she had skin cancer and he pulled feeling was from that.
My heart sunk and I went into fight or flight mode. I had to ring my mum and get reassurance. Then I had to wake my partner and get reassurance although he is never sympathetic and tells me I’m crazy so that just makes things worse.
My relationship with him isn’t great and he is not a good influence for my son. All I worry about is that I am going to die young and that my sons life will be destroyed because he will be left with a deadbeat dad and will end up turning into a thug. My son is also autistic and his dad doesn’t take that into account when dealing with him. This is all that goes though my mind. Even things like Christmas. I make so much effort with my son, ie the whole Santa being real thing and lots of presents etc and I fear that I’m gonna die and he won’t have that anymore because his dad is selfish and terrible with money. All these things worry the he’ll out of me.
So I know it’s not possible to have cervical cancer, breast cancer, lymphoma, brain cancer, skin cancer etc but I have so many symptoms of so many things I am convinced that I have to have at least one.
I know anxiety can cause so many problems physically but can they cause this many?! It scared me so much I convince myself I have cancer and that there is no other explanation and act like I ah e already been told. Then I think about karma and there way of the world and think that if I convince myself and say to people things like I’m going to die then maybe it won’t happen. Because the stories you hear about are of people that are unsuspecting. But then even writing this I can see a scenario in a newspaper where they post snippets of me writing on this forum and it will be one of those stories where they say. “ she knew she had cancer but no one listened and they palmed it off as anxiety and then she refused to go to the doctors and it was too late, she was right all along.”
I know that sounds completely insane but even writing that I think me writing this post is going to make it happen is making me think it’s definately going to happen. Does that make sense to anyone?!!!
I feel like I can’t be a mum to my son. I don’t want to play with him and even making dinner is a struggle as I just want to curl up in a ball and put a tv programme on that is my comfort.
---------- Post added at 21:14 ---------- Previous post was at 18:42 ----------
Sorry I know this is one of the longest posts on here but felt I needed to get in as much info as possible.