grrr

[blackie]

Hiya all

This is driving me crazy. I am getting no help at all from the peole that are ment to be helping me. I have seen them once and they refered me to alcohol cancelling and then closed the case by the sound of it. The algohol people say that they cant help me as its not the right sevice, yeah i do sometimes drink too much but its not a real promblem. If you put everyone into therypy for having an extra glass of wine then half the population would be in rehab. So my mum phones up for me to try and find out whats happening. Apprenetly i have told them i drink more then i do, well thats aload of crap. I have been honest with them right from the start.
I am agorophobic and havnt been out of the house for almost a year. And yet they expect me to be able to get out and go running after them. If i could go out it would solve a hell of alot of my promblems.
Everyone always seems to think i do it on perpose and that i just have to get on with it. I have tried but it never seems to get any easier. I just cant ever imagine being able to go out like a normal person and have a normal life. I desbratly hate the way i am and how i feel. I really, really want someone i can talk to that i can trust. I cant keep going on like this and theres noone around that understands it. And of cause this is upsetting for all my family too. They dont like seeing me stuck in doors all day. Mum wants me to go shopping with her (i am good at carrying the bags!!) and my grama wants me to go out to meals with them again.
I feel so completly useless. I really hate myself but cant get away from me. For my open uni degree i have to beable to go to 4 residential units. These are a week long quite far away. I am terrified but if i dont then i lose my entire work for my degree. I have worked so hard. I still have 3 years left but a year seems to go by very quickly.
I really want to be out with my friends, shopping and going down the pub. I use to love hanging out and going bowling and stuff. I feel so bad turning down ewvery offer and invertation i get to do anything. I really just cannot stand this anymore. I am so lonly and scared. i really dont know what to do.
I have to wait till next tuesday to hear back from the person thats meant to be helping me. I bet she will say that i have to leave the house and travel over there or sometimes futher away to get any help. And even then, nothings garanteed. I cannot afford to go private. It cost more for one session then i get in an entire week!!.
Sorry, this is a really long rant. I bet no one will read it its aload of rubbish anyway.
:wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall:
Blackie

[Lindalou64]

Hey Blackie
Sorry Your Going Through Such A Tough Time,,,,,,,i Wish I Had Some Answers For You As Im A American Its So Different Here Then There With Health Docs Ect..i Dont Get Why They Cant Come To You Ive Spoken To Many People From The Uk That Are Agraphobic And There Councelors Come To There House...even Bring Them Out If Needed......i Hope Someone That Has Experienced What Your Going Thru Can Give You Some Better Information But All I Can Do Is Tell Ya Stay Positive I Know Its Hard Im Agraphobic Also Almost Cured Not 100% And I Wish You The Best I Dont See Why They Wouldnt Help You Thats A Shame!!! Take Care......linda Xx

[maz]

Oh Blackie, sorry you are having such a bad time. I really feel for you. Sometimes I feel like I am making my world smaller, but I cant help but isolate myself. My GP refered me to a NCH day hospital, my husband or my dad have to take me and bring me home and although the journey sometimes terrifies the life out me it has helped me. Leaving the house 3 times a week has given me a structure and I am meeting with people who understand. Blackie I can imagine how difficult this must be for you and I hope on Tuesday you get the support that you need. I will be thinking of you
take care of yourself
Mariaxx

[blackie]

Hiya
Thanks guys for your kind words. Nice one linda for your great acheviments.
Maria, i would love to beable to have that knd of help. I think it would really make the difference for me. It would give me structure and the help i need.
Thanks nigel, you always now how to make me smile. I wish i could beleave you but i just cant imagine ever having a normal life again. I dont understand how perople can go out and do all the normal things.

Well its tuesday and they diddnt phone back so mum phoned them and couldnt get hold of the right person. But she is meant to phone tomorrow. My parents are away for the next two weeks and i wont see another human being. This is so depressing.
Everyone just seems to think i can just snap out of this and that i have to go out. I cant. I really cannot do it.
sorry
Blackie

[maz]

Hi Blackie, sorry that they never got back to you, hopefully you will hear something soon. I agree it feels impossible just to snap out of it when you have a fear of going out. You just have to keep pushing at it slowly and gently and you will with support.
Is there any other family member or friend that you can contact while your parents are away? Just for a bit of company. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but unfortunately I get the jitters even sending posts. I really hope you get your call tomorrow. Let me know how you get on
Maria xx

[clickaway]

Hi Blackie,

You have had some good advice on here, and Nigel is a wise man.

I feel you need to step back and say to yourself "Why can't I do this?"

What is the plan over the next two weeks? If your parents are away. You say you won't see another human being, but how are you going to get food - just relying on online shopping?

I know you can do it!!

:hugs: :hugs:

[blackie]

Hiya
Maz: Thanks for your post. Its really great having people to talk to that can understand and not judge. Someone taking the time to write a reply helps enormously!!.
Ray: Yeah Nigel is a very wise man. Intenet shopping is a life saver so i will see the delivery man. Im ok at being on my own though so im not too worried. I can always talk to people online and other family members ussally phone.
Nigel: Thanks for the link to the site. I will take a look at it and see if i can download it. I guess not being able to see me living a normal life is part of the illness which should start to go as i start to get better. Like you say, baby steps. Thanks Nigel.:hugs:

Well they didnt get back to us yesterday so dad phoned them up todau. Apperently they have closed the case. Dad told them they were going away for 2 weeks and she said "was i going with them". I havnt left the house since january and she thinks i can go on holiday abroad for 2 weeks!!! And im suppose to be the mad one. They are ment to be brining the case back up and hopfully get back to us today with there decision about what they can do but im not holding my breath. If this fails i am going to go back to my GP and ask if he can refer me to the private centre and try and get funding.

[blackie]

p.s Even though you can :buttkick: at games Nigel
:winks:

[CarpeDiem]

:) Hi Blackie :)

I am so sad for the darkness that engulfs you at the moment; its like listening to myself a few years ago. Its hard to know what to say to you cos as much as I believe what I'm saying, I know how hard it is to hear anyone when you have a "Yeah, but its different for you " outlook on things.
I also remember leaving a particularly intensive assessment after I'd just really opened up about everything & how I was only just now being able to make it out of the house to come & be assessed & how it was particularly tough that day as it was hot & I had a problem with sweating & the heat also meant there were 3 times as many people outside as usual & I was dreading the trip home. So I was gobsmacked that her parting comment to me was, "So, are you off out to enjoy the sunshine this afternoon?"
:ohmy:
I just shouted "NO! I'm not!" & ran back to my car where I must have cried for about an hour. I felt like she hadn't listened to a bloody word I'd said & that therapy was a waste of time & I might as well just give up.

Back then, it didn't occur to me AT ALL that I was really lucky to have had that assessment & that I was now on the waiting list. Or that she was just one psychologist who might have been a bit crap or just having a bad day, it didn't mean therapy was a dead end. Or that I had taken a huge step in being able to tell someone what was going on. Or that I'd done an amazing thing to get myself there in the first place.
All I felt was despair.

Thinking about it now (a few years on) those positives are the first things I think of because that day was one of the first steps in my recovery & it was my outlook that made the whole world seem black, not how it actually was. Please don't think I'm telling you this to say you should pull yourself together & look on the bright side (!) I'm just trying to let you know while all seems lost now, there is so much progress you can make.

Don't lose heart if you get let down by your doc or taken off waiting lists or have your case closed. Whilst therapy is a HUGE help, they are there to guide you to get better yourself; not to do it for you. You already have everything you need to do that inside your head right now so while you're waiting for help; help yourself as much as you can.

Try to remember that your brain needs re-training - You have begun to have a panic reaction to things that previously were not a problem; pleasurable even (like socialising with family & friends) which is making you avoid things cos you don't want to feel that way (the agoraphobia) But like our resident wiseman Nigel says, somewhere in there, your brain remembers how to do those things with ease & you can re-train yourself not to react with terror/disgust at the idea of leaving the house (or whatever your other issues are). For me baby steps are definitely the key, along with determination to keep at it (although I've had PLENTY of no motivation days, so its still possible even when you take your eye off the ball a few times - don't beat yourself up if this happens, just try again) Maybe just open the front door & stand there for the first few days, then take a step outside..... You CAN do this.
Good luck with it all, keep us posted.
Take care, CarpeDiem
xxxxxx

PS - Can't believe my crapness at Pac-Man, thanks for not playing your games straight away - It let me stay in the tournament for a couple of days before being booted off! I hang my head in shame....

[blackie]

Hiya
thanks CarpeDiem for you reply. All you have said is soo true. Im really sorry to hear you went through such a rough patch.
Its clear that this mental health team will not offer me any help in the slightest. This is really frasting to me and is making me lose heart. Going to talk to my doctor about getting private help and funding and stuff. But like you say, i guess it is possable to do it on my own. However i have had quite a few promblems over the years. PTS, anorexia, self harm, depession and agorophobia. I am now ready to face up to everything that has happened but i dont know how to do it. I have been in and out of diffenent hospitals and homes all though my childhood. Now i have found stability and reached a point when i want and need to deal with everything and move on. Like my mum put it, "Its like an infected wound. You have to open it up, clean it out and then close it up and let it heal, otherwise the infection will remain"
Blackie
I have managed it before though. I couldnt go to school so tought myself my GCSE's pretty much but managed to get to collage and get my A-levels and work on the weekends and go out with friends. Seems worlds away now.

[Paddington]

Ah blackie hun..what seems worlds away now is truly part of who you STILL are you know:) I look back and see myself going to college and uni..and think HOW DID I DO THAT:shrug: Who was i then?...I was still me..just now days i need a bit more time to sort my head out before i do things..i try very hard not tobe negative..oh that is my biggest enemy ..my negativity..i'll make you smile now..yesterday i promised i would take my daughter out for lunch..been putting it off all the school hols and she is back at work on monday:ohmy: so iwent to bed wednesday night and fretted about going out ,,the driving etc..oh yes ..i imagined i got there got stung by a wasp and died of anaphalactic shock!!:ohmy: :blush: :lac: Now i SHOULD have done what Nigel said and visualised a wonderfulday..but the old habits are hard to break hun aren't they..but they can be broken as i DID take her out..i did NOT get stung and die:lisa: Just wanted you to know i do understand ..and hun?..this time last year there is no way i would have gone any where:flowers: you will get bettter hun,try not tobash yourself over the head allthe time ..you are doing well accepting you need to get out more..it will come in time:) Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[blackie]

Hiya

A certain amount of going over past issues is inevitable, but the past shouldn't be dwelt upon too heavily. Too much unnecessary raking over past issues can in fact make things like depression worse.

I can understand that, the only thing is i have been running away from everything that has happened to me. Something very bad happened nd since then i made a lot of mastakes that hurt alot of people. I could never ever face what happened to me so took it out on the people i love the most. I made there lives hell and i am so lucky to have them still here. They very nearly gave up on me but for some reason always held on. I did the most unspeakable things and i am so ashamed of them. i am a different person now but...im not quite sure how to explain it.

so iwent to bed wednesday night and fretted about going out ,,the driving etc..oh yes ..i imagined i got there got stung by a wasp and died of anaphalactic shock!!:ohmy: :blush: :lac: Now i SHOULD have done what Nigel said and visualised a wonderfulday
lol paddie. I was reading that and didnt read the word imagine and thought u really had got stung by a wasp. By the time you said you had died i had cottoned on though. :blush: A real big well done though for doing that. I am just the same, the negitivity is all around me. But you are braver then me and manged to do it. A real big hug for you.:hugs:

There is no way i can get funding for the hospital and there is no help i can get locally. I cant afford to pay and i am addement i dont want my parents to foot the bill for many different reasons. I really dont know what to do but my orriginal idea is looking more and more hopful to getting to recovery.
Blackie