Feeling Lost

[ClaireB83]

I'm feeling so out of sorts lately.

A few things have happened lately that have kicked my HA into high gear. I got the flu shot and had a horrible reaction. A young father my partner knows passed in his sleep. A child at my kid's school died just before Halloween. I think all these things, together, have gotten me this point.

I've talked to a counsellor before. I know I have the tools to help myself, but I can't seem to put them to use. I just keep thinking that even trying is pointless. This never goes away, so what's the point in trying?

I have the constant looming feeling of something going wrong. I feel like there is something in my body just waiting to kill me. I feel like I'm just waiting for the time when one of these plethora of symptoms I feel turns out to be The One that leads to the end of it all. And that makes me think, well shit, what's the point of going on?

And its not that I actively want to end my life. It's more the thoughts that creep in...walking along the beach and thinking how I could just walk into the water and keep until my body is as tired as my mind and it's all over. I find myself thinking that, since I'm obviously going to die from something then I might as well get it out of the way now. But again, I dont actively want to die...I just think about how I could.

I just can't get over the suffocating feeling of something being wrong. I can't get over the feeling of not wanting to die, not wanting to leave my family and worrying about my kids growing up without their mother, and then also thinking about how much of a relief if would be to not live a life where every thought is a torment.

I feel lost.

[Nameuser]

Hi Claire, it’s totally understandable that this has kicked your anxiety in to high gear, I think hearing about those types of things would trigger anyone who has HA. It’s not pointless to try because one day all of that effort will be so worth it when you can wake up and not worry about yours or anyone else’s health. Imagine how good that will feel to be truly present in the moment and enjoy your time with your partner and child :) you just have to keep trying. I know it’s easier said then done but one day it will pay off.

Perhaps it might be worth looking in to having CBT therapy on a regular basis to help teach you how to cope? I see you had counciling but I think you may benefit from a few regular session. I would also try yoga and meditation to try and be more mindful and present in the moment. I completely relate to the looming feeling and the thoughts that creep in. You’d never act on them but it’s still horrible to even feel that way about life :(

I think we have those thoughts because they are a coping mechanism when things get really bad because we just think “well all those troubles will go away if I wasn’t here anymore” but the thing is all that would do is cause extreme pain for everyone around you. You’ve got to try and get better for your family, friends, partner and child. Though I haven’t recovered from HA yet, I ttruly believe that it is possible! I have seen so many success stories on here and on peoples blogs that I can’t help but feel hopeful that I can be like one day too. Perhaps you should look up success stories as well as that could have the same uplifting effect on you.

Hang in there, we all understand what you’re going through and I can guarantee if you keep trying and really put the effort in then you will beat this :) sending good vibes your way x