ClaireB83
05-11-18, 17:40
I'm feeling so out of sorts lately.
A few things have happened lately that have kicked my HA into high gear. I got the flu shot and had a horrible reaction. A young father my partner knows passed in his sleep. A child at my kid's school died just before Halloween. I think all these things, together, have gotten me this point.
I've talked to a counsellor before. I know I have the tools to help myself, but I can't seem to put them to use. I just keep thinking that even trying is pointless. This never goes away, so what's the point in trying?
I have the constant looming feeling of something going wrong. I feel like there is something in my body just waiting to kill me. I feel like I'm just waiting for the time when one of these plethora of symptoms I feel turns out to be The One that leads to the end of it all. And that makes me think, well shit, what's the point of going on?
And its not that I actively want to end my life. It's more the thoughts that creep in...walking along the beach and thinking how I could just walk into the water and keep until my body is as tired as my mind and it's all over. I find myself thinking that, since I'm obviously going to die from something then I might as well get it out of the way now. But again, I dont actively want to die...I just think about how I could.
I just can't get over the suffocating feeling of something being wrong. I can't get over the feeling of not wanting to die, not wanting to leave my family and worrying about my kids growing up without their mother, and then also thinking about how much of a relief if would be to not live a life where every thought is a torment.
I feel lost.
A few things have happened lately that have kicked my HA into high gear. I got the flu shot and had a horrible reaction. A young father my partner knows passed in his sleep. A child at my kid's school died just before Halloween. I think all these things, together, have gotten me this point.
I've talked to a counsellor before. I know I have the tools to help myself, but I can't seem to put them to use. I just keep thinking that even trying is pointless. This never goes away, so what's the point in trying?
I have the constant looming feeling of something going wrong. I feel like there is something in my body just waiting to kill me. I feel like I'm just waiting for the time when one of these plethora of symptoms I feel turns out to be The One that leads to the end of it all. And that makes me think, well shit, what's the point of going on?
And its not that I actively want to end my life. It's more the thoughts that creep in...walking along the beach and thinking how I could just walk into the water and keep until my body is as tired as my mind and it's all over. I find myself thinking that, since I'm obviously going to die from something then I might as well get it out of the way now. But again, I dont actively want to die...I just think about how I could.
I just can't get over the suffocating feeling of something being wrong. I can't get over the feeling of not wanting to die, not wanting to leave my family and worrying about my kids growing up without their mother, and then also thinking about how much of a relief if would be to not live a life where every thought is a torment.
I feel lost.