View Full Version : Constant lumps and aching. On the edge
So, I took a massive chance. A few weeks back after a couple of the worst pit of depression in the longest time. I took a chance and applied for a college position in another country and I found out this evening. That I've been offered a place! This has been huge for me as one of my biggest HA worries are about being away and something happening to me.
I'm doing mostly okay with HA, I'm still struggling with things like constant exhaustion, randoms pains and bruises. Head and eye stuff. Skin issues (Lots of Random red/sometimes hot patches? Especially on my hands/face. I'm putting some cream of them to see if they clear up before I really get up in arms about it. I was half thinking about posting a photo but said that wouldn't actually help). Like even as I type this somewhere in my mind it's like "Oh no." Yet I've reminded myself of like so many good tests, rather then looking something to worry about but it isn't easy. Yet I haven't google anything in like- 4/5 months?! Which I never thought was possible a few months back! My mind does still run away with ideas though...But I'm doing my best to stamp them down! Like I also struggle in the winter more with HA. As the weather gets super bad and not getting help. A issue I'm working on.
Like when I told my therapist about applying to another country (Germany btw! So like going from English my main language but I'm very versed in German so if anyone actually speaks German and would like to talk hit me up!). She actually nearly dropped her notepad! She couldn't believe I'd do without talking about it, while I still worry about some of these health things above....I'm sure I'll also worry about other illness...But I'm not backing out now! So semi-positive I guess?
Congrats! What an amazing opportunity! My nephew had a chance to study in Amsterdam and he's loving it! My son works for the airlines and travels the world. He just spent a couple of weeks in Germany during Octoberfest. Keep in mind that its the chances we don't take due to fear are the ones you regret the most. GO FOR IT! Building self confidence is a key to defeating anxiety IMO.
Positive thoughts
Wow, that's exciting! Hopefully you will be too busy at the college to give HA much thought. There will certainly be more interesting things to do and see.
Thank you both so much for replying. I took the placement without a second thought! I've manged to get my course mainly fixed up and currently looking for somewhere to live!
I wish I could be so sure about my health. It's been up and down- probably some mental self-ruin thoughts to stop myself from going. I've got so many issues with eye/head all that sad area issues. We have a super old house that mice seem to love in the winter. No matter what we do we can't get rid of them. I also had to clean out a rather..manky room as part of my commit out reach thing I work with! Sleeping is a issue again, lumps on my neck, under chin seems to be a issue again...so ALOT
but with all of that. I've been to the gym again, I've been planning my move. I'm just hoping I can work out this and just enjoy my time away! Stop worrying about all of these sinister things! It ain;t going to stop me. I'm sure there's nothing wrong and I got to will that into my metal being. Not some caner, not some strange illness from that room or the mice. Also staying far, far away from GOOGLE. That's the search only for moving stuff ONLY!
---------- Post added at 03:02 ---------- Previous post was at 01:29 ----------
Sorry to post here again... But I tried doing the whole postive post thing to help my mindset but I'm struggling. It's like I could be fine all day and suddenly trying to sleep it feels like my hearts going to stop. The mice I can hear them and I can't stop the-just the mice and that room. My thoart hasa this like struggle tender and sore spot- the outside like not a swore thoart. Like I just want to sleep and live but I feel like I'm always going to die every night. I'm so exhausted. I tried telling my therapist this and she doesn't hold much weight in it. I'm so close to crying.
---------- Post added at 03:18 ---------- Previous post was at 03:02 ----------
I don't mean to be saying so much, I know people have it a lot worse but right now I can handle this. I just stood out of bed and I felt so... Heavy and dizzy. I got a random sharp pain in my left hand/arm especially in the pinky fingers area. Like I'm crying . It's just a lot. I know no one can tell me what's going on here but I guess that I tried to stop myself from posting at night like this for weeks and today it's all so much. Like everything just feels out of order... Like my body is waiting for something to go wrong. I can't talk to my Family and friends so that's why I'm posting here. So sorry
Like, reading back over this is embarrassing but I suppose I needed in that moment to vent my frustration. Like totally I still have that strange neck pain but manged to keep my hands to myself and not poke... My mindset isn't great now. Sorry to get so worked out.
So like, I've having real issues at the moment. Like for the last few weeks I've had this like strange intense pain from my finger tips all the way to my shoulder, up to my neck. Like I tried putting this down to muscle strain.
Then my collarbone feels like it's swelling, it's constantly swore. Then the pain traveled further up my neck, the outer area of the left side of my neck has been putting me in miserable pain. Like it's in certain area always, like if I move my head certain ways it feels like a lump stuck in there. Then today, I thought I noticed a lump in the area that hurt- so like a fool I pushed there and thought I felt something strange. It's really upset me for the rest of the day. I wanted to ask my roommate if they noticed anything but I kept it to myself. Not wanting to drag anyone in to my own panic. I can't even think about how to describe all of this. I just know I'll let some details out.
Like I've been so exhausted lately, I can't even sleep at night as my chest starts to feel strange and heart worries start like it's about to stop.
Sorry for this, I just need to vent. I know I'm probably reading into all of this to much. My gp felt my neck plenty of times and never said anything. Like I've run to the gp so many times, would it really help me and stop me from saying stuff like "Yeah but!". My head just feels so full. I tried talking to my therapist about all of this, yet she doesn't really help with the subject matter.
---------- Post added at 02:31 ---------- Previous post was at 01:19 ----------
Sorry to spam this but I've been trying to talk myself a little bit, like I've tried not to push against the left side if my neck to much. Yet when I did touch it, the left side just seems so worrying to me. I know we're not meant to be the exact some on every side but I'm just overwhelmed. I'm worried about something sinister going on, as I've never felt something like this. Like I've found myself taking photo's of my neck to see if I can see anything "Off" and of course I do! Because you look for things. Like I counted back and I think the last time a GP checked my neck was exam for a sinus infection in May. I just, I'm really not doing well. I think I feel or see so many lumps. That areas ache so much. Like, I've had so many tests done but that thought process of nothing on this! Keeps coming back. Sorry I'm just over upset and would love someone to talk to.
Please read the below message from Admin. You are posting about a lot of different things frequently. Perhaps start a thread where you can keep all of your worries in one place.
Can posters, especially those who are posting a lot about a variety of fears please confine their posts to one thread.
This helps others to build up a clear picture of what is happening and makes it easier to offer suitable advice.
You may not see the pattern but usually it is there, especially if you are posting frequently about different things.
Your co-operation with this would be greatly appreciated.
Elen
nomorepanic
07-11-18, 15:36
Hi
This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.
Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.
It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.
Sorry for double posting so much. I am, I just get overwhelmed.
Today I worn a turtle neck to try and stop myself from being so obsessed with my neck. It worked for the most part?? As I wasn't really look at it or get at it. The areas are still very swore and feel swollen.
I'm also extremely exhausted, I just got home and felt like I could go to sleep. I've felt like this for awhile. I just overwhelmed right now, ideas are filling my mind. I tried to discuss it in therapy but she isn't really pushing all with that subject with me. I can't afford to go to the doctors and I know in the long run that won't help either. I'm sorry for complaining so much.
---------- Post added at 21:06 ---------- Previous post was at 18:28 ----------
I'm trying to be reasonable, I've booked in to get a neck massage instead. Thinking that this could be muscle issue and I'm just over-looking into everything. I've had a lot of tests this year, like I've said on many post. I've also been doing mostly well about this, but I've really fallen at the moment. Still haven't said anything to my friends or family about it. So glad not to be dragging them down.
---------- Post added at 23:30 ---------- Previous post was at 21:06 ----------
It was kinda rough having like over 300 views and no one replying tbh. Ah well! I know it's that sometimes people don't know how to reply and stuff! I'll just have a go at the massage tomorrow :)!
While the massgaes thing was good... Didn't really go at all at that area that's been effecting me. Thankful it's winter so I'm able to wear turtle neck style jumpers to stop myself from looking at it to often. Yet it's always there in my mind, the spin isn't shifting and own my thoart feels dried out. Propbaly a infection I'm not to sure. I'm not looking for any more bumps but I'm feeling rather alone right now.
Hiyer Sarah,
You really sound like you are struggling an awful lot, and I'm not sure why people aren't replying to you...so here I am! You say you've had 'so many tests' done this year - not sure what those are , but anyone with HA admitting a 'lot of tests' must mean a LOT of tests.;o)
Are you continuing with pushing forward on your move?
Happy to chat.......
Hi Carys! Thank you so much for replying. I'm sure people just didn't have much to say about it! I acryally had some medical issues this year so none of my tests were actually asked for by me! It was all hospital and my gp choice! I had a serious stomach infection and they had to. Do tests around that, then they saw something on my kindey that lead to more. So there was a lot of back and forward about different issues!... Sometimes I wished the tears would end!!
Yeah! I'm not moving for another few months but like I'm trying to keep a postive mindset around it! I'm rather looking forward to it. I know you couldn't tell with all the moaning I do here!
Thank you again for the reply, it means alot! I hope you're doing well!
Hi again,
Ok, I see, so how were those illnesses which they checked for resolved? I mean, could it be that some of the aching and 'feeling unwell' are related to any of those, or are you certain they are anxiety related ?
I have to live with some of the effects that were left on my stomach after it. So I don't tend to worry about it! A lot of my ha came from the fact they wouldn't really ever tell me what they were looking for! So I was fill in the blanks myself.
I try to think that this would be anixety making a small normal issue a big thing! Like what I mean by so many tests if I was run through some many different doctors hands (they couldn't tell what was wrong with me for awhile!) that I shouldn't be as worried about this. Yet I'm seeming to have a difficult time. Like I mentioned I tried taking to my therapist about it but she doesn't really seem interested in that matter. I don't like to drag in my family and friends to issues like this anymore either. So that's why I feel a bit stuck and alone right now.
Like I was trying to be reasonable the exhausted feeling could be a mixture or a million different things going on it my life. The pain in my neck could be from the gym or something non sinster and these lumps are propaly normal and I'm over reacting! Like typing it out makes me feel so silly.
Thank you tho, so much for taking the time to reply. It means so much to me right now.
Well, I think you've had a pretty good HA trigger with the poor/lack of communication during your genuine health concerns, its not really surprising you are doubting symptoms now. I will also add that I think you have a good semblance of logic and rationalisation going on, which is to your credit, you aren't instantly jumping to a conclusion on what you think is going in. Comments such as 'it could be...insert benign reason' are a really good sign that you ARE able to contemplate that there could be non-sinister reasons behind symptoms.
I think, and I've said this here before, if you are wavering between 'is it/isn't it' and worrying that it might be anxiety and there again it might not be anxiety and be physical.....then I would currently go with stress/mental health/benign reasons. I believe that genuine illness doesn't make you waver and present itself in a way which is doubtful - you kind of just KNOW. Just like you knew when you had your stomach issues that something WAS wrong, I think you would know now.
Of course, there are lots of illnesses that can cause the aching and feeling very tired and under the weather. Lets thing of some examples - fybromyalgia and glandular fever. (although many of your symptoms, and I'm no doctor by the way! seem rather disjointed from any one thing) I think if you had those conditions, for example, you would feel incapacitated to the point that you would seek medical help. Do you think you are at that level, or just at the level of 'niggling' stuff which you aren't sure about?
Honsetly thank you so, so much for your comments. They have really helped me today, I was feeling rather alone in all of this and you reaching out and commenting had helped so much.
Like I'm trying to be realisticike I said in my post before, I went to the gym this evening. Worked out like always. Couldn't do that if something was that wrong. I've worried about neck pains and lumps lots before. Nothing ever come from or, it's easy to plan the "maybe I'm right this time!!" because I'm propbaly not.
I'm just trying to keep my head above water with HA not be like oh, this and this means it something sinster like cancer of some kind or loads of million of sinster things. When there's a much better chance of its just being one of those things! Like the best thing I've done is stay away from Google because that never ends well!
I think you have a very good point. When I was ill I wasn't able to do much, my body refused it. Now I'm still able to do all of these things... Maybe just with a pinch of anixety.
OH You are welcome Sarah! I did feel for you having to talk to yourself :D
You know, I think you are doing just fine! I think you actually know what's going on here, you are half way to coming out of the other end of this....you know all the right things about HA, you are doing the right things, saying the right things to yourself, you are trying to apply strategies mentally..... and carrying on living your life. Keep working on that techniques you know.....they will eventually pay dividends.:D
I suppose it was the best thing possible! Talking to myself rather then taking myself to Google!
I'm doing my best to use the good methods given to me in therapy. Like working out a likely causes and reaction. Like this neck pain only bothers me when I turn my head certain ways or when I become super focused on it. For neck lumps... God love my gp. She's checked my neck alot in the last year! She never found anything so realisctly there's nothing to find. Etc to all the other things also! Like the first few days I had it i did feel that need to go to the gp- yet here I am not at the gp!!
So, going to do my best to say away from all those sinster negative thoughts! (Already thanks to another user here sguuestion got this blocks on to even stop me from googling!)
Thank you once again, so, so much for taking the time to reply :hugs:
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