I'm back... Things not good at all.

[barbie]

I havent really posted since the site moved, as I had got much better really. I had a laparoscopy which showed nothing whatsoever, so I got on with my life and managed to do a nail course and landed a place in a brilliant salon where I now work self employed.

Things were really starting to look up, although I still had some anxiety I was coping better.

Then, on June 4th, my Mum died suddenly from a huge brain hemorrage. She went to work in the morning, happy as anything, but collapsed. By the time I was made aware and got to the hospital, she was being kept alive on a machine and we were told there was no chance of her ever coming out. So we had to let her go. The shock was just immense. I cant even explain how we got through it, I just cant.

My family flew over from Ireland, my friends and OH rallied round, I went back to work after a couple of weeks, still wobbly but ok considering. Bit panicky, but I was coping.

But now, panic has struck again. I have been ill with a tummy bug for a week, and I so missed my Mum during this, it was awful. I was hysterical most days.

Then, I went to the opticians on Saturday, as I needed my routine eye test but also one of my eyes has been feeling a bit swollen and achey.

The optician checked my eyes, my sight hasnt changed in 6 years which is fab, but she couldnt see what was wrong with my achey eye, so she got another optician in to have a look.

The second optician said that the optic nerve in my achey eye is slightly different to my other eye, and that I needed to be referred urgently. She didnt say why, but I just burst into tears and told them about my Mum. They said not to worry, the difference was so slight that it could be nothing or I could have always been like that, but I am now terrified I have a tumour!

To make matters worse, as I left the opticians, the first optician said "if your symptoms (headaches and acheyness around the eye) get any worse, just go straight to A&E". :ohmy:

Well that just put the fear of God into me.

Every little twinge in my head is freaking me out now. I have to wait until my GP gets the letter, then go see them, then wait to get referred. It could take weeks, even months, and I'll be going round thinking I am a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.

I know that if it was really bad they would have just sent me to hospital straight away, but I cant stop thinking about it, I am so frightened.

I just dont think I can take any more bad news right now.

[neptuno]

So sorry to hear about your Mum - grief is hard enough to deal with without feeling poorly. Surely your GP will understand why you need to get a quick referral, could you pay for a private consultation ? this would happen even quicker !
Its understandable that you feel so frightened right now, keep logging on for support - we're all here to help you through this.
Be kind to yourself

[barbie]

So sorry to hear about your Mum - grief is hard enough to deal with without feeling poorly. Surely your GP will understand why you need to get a quick referral, could you pay for a private consultation ? this would happen even quicker !
Its understandable that you feel so frightened right now, keep logging on for support - we're all here to help you through this.
Be kind to yourself

I guess I could find out how much it is to go private. I am going to see my GP tomorrow or Weds, even if they havent recieved the letter by then I will explain whats happened and ask them to just refer me when they get the letter.

Thank you for the support :hugs:

[Jaco45er]

Sorry to hear about your mum.

Other people just don't realise that "matter of fact" comments can send us to panic. I have had a couple of "if it gets any worse, go straight to A&E, which just leaves you dwelling on the negative thoughts.

I am sure you will look back and realise you worried over nothing once you have seen the GP. If they had found anything concrete, they would have told you to go to A&E right away regardless.

Hope you feel better soon

TC

Jaco

[kazzie]

So sorry to hear about your Mum:hugs:

You have had a hell of a lot to deal with lately so please be kind to yourself!!!

What you have been thru is enough to make anyone feel anxious:flowers:

Sorry I cant be more help:lac:

Luv Kaz x x x:hugs:

[barbie]

Thank you everyone so much. Jaco45er I think you've hit the nail on the head, "matter of fact comments" really arent helpful to an anxiety sufferer!

Lolly, so sorry that you lost your Mum too. I think now the shock is subsiding and I am starting to grieve a little.

I did some tapping (EFT) earlier to make me feel better, just as a finished a bright white feather floated past my window. I like to think it was an angel feather from my Mum telling me everything's going to be ok.

[beauty]

Carlabarbie,
My stepmum died last October of a brain hemorage. One minute she was bouncing on the bed excited to see her grandkids, then she just colapsed and died. It was so sudden cos she too was very healthy and only 43.
Anyway i coped well at the time of the death, but recently my panic has returned (which i last had a couple of years ago). I understand how much it can alter your way of thinking when something lilke this happens..and i too have contemplated on 'what if i die suddenly like she did?' etc
Do not try and fight these thoughts, let youre mind create them as this is natural but then remember logical thought. Imagine it isnt you thinking these things but youre friend..what would you tell them?
I can assure that no matter how hard it feels now you will gain strength, the panicky thoughts have returned simply cos youre dealing with bad news and feel out of control, exactly the same has happened to me. But if you keep trying to think positively and try and think of the loss as a reason to live your life to the full, you will get better. Please believe : )

Love Beauty xxx

[honeybee3939]

Carla

So sorry to hear of your sad news, just want you to know i am thinking of you hun.:hugs: :hugs: i do hope you can get your eye sorted out quickly, then you have less to worry about.

lots of Hugs to you Carla:hugs: :hugs:
Andrea
xxxxxx

[LockedShut]

Oh, love, I'm so sorry :sad: Thinking of you, dear, and I hope everything turns around for you...
xo

[anxious]

So sorry to hear about your mum :hugs: I hope you get some reassuring answers about your eye soon,

love anx xx

[kittykat]

I'm so so sorry to hear about your mum :hugs: , I can't imagine how you must be feeling.........i don't know how id cope as my mum is my world.
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time ,and i'm sure your eye will be fine , if it was really bad they would have sent you to A&E straight away. Please keep us posted to how you get on and take care . xx

[barbie]

Thanks all.

I went to the doc's this morning, they'd not even recieved a letter yet so its obviously not that urgent! The doc said that she couldnt see anything untoward in my eye, but she understood why I was so anxious about it, and did say if I got so anxious I couldnt cope, there is an eye casualty here that I could go to. She also said that if it was that serious then I would have either been told to go to hospital ASAP or even given the letter myself so that I could bring it to the doctors.That has made me feel better, hearing it from "the horses mouth" so to speak!

Still getting the headaches. Just trying not to panic. x

[traciec39]

hi sweetie
so sorry for your loss hunnie x

i had a prolem with my eye that concerned the doctorsad i was sent imediatley to the eye hospital, so please dont stress about your eye.
i dont know what part of the world you live in but here in london we have a eye a& e thats open 24 hrs.

luv tracie xx

[barbie]

Well, I ended up having to get my Dad to collect a copy of the letter from the opticians and take it to the Docs, and finally this morning I got a phone call and the doc has made an appointment at Eye Casualty on Monday for 10am. So the fact she didnt tell me to go straight there has made me relax. A bit. LOL.

Tracie, what was wrong with your eye??

[luc]

Reading this message makes me realise how strange health anxiety is. I to have had a strained eye for some time now somethig like muscle strain which is worse when im looking at someone (for example, when chatting). I have quite severe health anxiety but as it is centred around cancer this has never bothered me - it might now though. It is just strange how some of us select our diseases

[barbie]

Reading this message makes me realise how strange health anxiety is. I to have had a strained eye for some time now somethig like muscle strain which is worse when im looking at someone (for example, when chatting). I have quite severe health anxiety but as it is centred around cancer this has never bothered me - it might now though. It is just strange how some of us select our diseases

I hope this doesnt make you get anxiety about your eye.

I just want to point out that there is actually a problem with my eye, usually my HA centres around my pelvic area as I do get a lot of genuine problems there. I've never really been worried about a tumour before. But I have got an abnormal optical nerve and that can mean a tumor or anyurism, which is why I am so worried.

Lets hope it turns out to be nothing on Monday.

[luc]

I hope you get it all sorted on Monday. All I meant was that for me i can go ino absolute turmoil over a coversation or article about cancer but when something real presents itself, if it is not something i am on high alert about i am unaturally laid back - bizarre!

[barbie]

I hope you get it all sorted on Monday. All I meant was that for me i can go ino absolute turmoil over a coversation or article about cancer but when something real presents itself, if it is not something i am on high alert about i am unaturally laid back - bizarre!

Oh I see! I am the opposite - I worry about something terrible happening in places where I've had problems before, if that makes sense? And if I get told there IS something wrong, like with my eye, I go into overdrive. Thankfully the doctor was very understanding of my health anxiety and the fact I lost my Mum so suddenly, she was very reassuring and got me that appointment immediately.

So, just tonight and tomorrow to get through.... Bach Remedies here I come!:biggrin:

[luc]

This is what scares me about my situation. At least yours follows some rational path. Have you had any treatment, medication etc. I feel that i can no longer trust myself and my interpretations. For example when i play back senarios with doctors I know i select certain bits and then within a few days/weeks i no longer know whats real or what my interpretations have evolved into. Does this make any sense?

[barbie]

This is what scares me about my situation. At least yours follows some rational path. Have you had any treatment, medication etc. I feel that i can no longer trust myself and my interpretations. For example when i play back senarios with doctors I know i select certain bits and then within a few days/weeks i no longer know whats real or what my interpretations have evolved into. Does this make any sense?

Yes that makes a lot of sense. I've had treatments and medications, lots of things are cured/disappear, but others I still panic about no matter how much I am reassured. Sometimes I think they only way I will relax is if I can see a doctor every day! I need to make friends with one so I can ring them every time I am worried! If only.

Maybe you could take notes when you're at the doctors? If you explained why you were doing it they would totally understand. Also sometimes its good if someone can go in with you, then they will also know whats going on and will be able to reassure you in later weeks when you've managed to twsit things round in your head and are worrying. I am planning on getting my Dad to actually come in with me on Monday as I know I wont take everything in properly.

[luc]

it is so good to read this message - I could have wrote it myself! If someone suffers from asthma then the symtoms are usually the same. So therefore, why am i so shocked when somebody with HA has EXATLY the same thoughts. A fellow parent on the school run is a doctor and i have made a concerted effort to keep away as i do not trust my questioning. I do take my mam to the doctors with me and when we get outside i drain the life out of her asking her for reasurence regarding what was said.

Best wishes tommorrow.

[barbie]

Update:

Had my appointment, all the staff were very kind and understanding, especially when I randomly panicked and burst into tears!

They checked my eyes and then even got the head eye-person (:shrug:) to check to reassure me, and I was told I have Drusen, which he described as "freckles" at the back of my eyes, and that my eyes are very healthy and I have nothing to worry about. And that if I ever have a problem to just some back to Eye Casualty as Opticians tend to "wind you up". His words! He was very annoyed at how I was treated at my opticians.

All in all, I am so relieved. Feel exhausted now, all that worrying!

The craziest part was they gave me eye drops to make my pupils bigger, they distort your vision for 4 hours and make you look like you have been taking loads of drugs so I've had my shades on ALL DAY!

Thanks to EVERYONE for their messages of support. x

[CliveL]

They are such fun those drops aren't they

[barbie]

They are such fun those drops aren't they

yup. they made me feel quite bizarre!