View Full Version : As good as it gets .
I'm currently hiding from life in a tin box down the east coast , walked my dogs this evening and there isn't a soul insight hundreds of empty caravans in darkness , so it should be a place of calm with no threats but I still can't relax .
Yesterday I took a drive to a small country town where I planned on looking though some antique/ junk shops for a few bargains , it's somthing I love to do but my unwanted freind anxiety came along for the trip , it just made it no fun , I was tensed up like a coiled spring , my lungs wouldn't operate in a normal fashion so I was constantly aware of my breathing .
I did what I wanted to do which isn't more than some could do but as I drove back I was overcome with a sense of is this as good as it gets ? Every day a struggle to live a basic normal life , the usual intrusive thoughts popped into my head while driving, why not steer into oncoming traffic and not have to go through this shite the next day .
It's been seven years since I boarded the crazy train and each time I've made progress towards having my old life back there has been a big knock back usually family related to keep me aboard.
So my question to you guys ( if you are still reading and haven't thrown yourself into a woodchipper ) is it better to accept this is how I/we are now , people lose limbs , sight , hearing and adapt and carry on , I'm still living in the past how my life was then trying each day to turn the clock back , how many say I just want to feel how I used to ? .
My mind , heart ,lungs muscles all seem to be at odds with each other there is no harmony just constant pain and tension .
Hiding and avoiding confrontation is not me and It bothers me greatly to keep quiet when somthing is clearly wrong , not stepping up plays hard on my conscience but life is full of problems and confrontation.
So keep on fighting what seems an impossible battle or accept this is as good as it gets ? And just make do with how things are now .
Sorry for the depressing rant I might have cabin fever , or worse :)
Hiya Buster :)
Not great weather is it?
But hey, you've got away and you can please yourself.
Listen, what you wrote, you know we could all write that when on a downer and not feeling our best.
The thing is also, when we stop after a harrowing time of stress and worry, that's when it hits us the most.
And they do say anxiety and depression go hand in hand.
I think you are amazing. You push through difficult times, put others first and have so much love for everyone.
Take this time to just lick your wounds, build up your energy levels and go with the flow. :hugs:
---------- Post added at 10:26 ---------- Previous post was at 10:22 ----------
By the way, I love that film, 'As Good as it Gets'. Worth a watch, funny and inspiring. :)
I agree with Carnation in the assertion that you do amazingly Buster. You have so much to cope with and that's before we even factor in your anxiety. In answer to your question, yes I do believe this is as good as it gets, some might say that's negative but I see it as realistic. Though of course I long for the days of pre-anxiety (pre-1985 for me) and do my fair share of wishing I could turn the clock back. However I've resigned myself to carrying this albatross around my neck for the rest of my days. It's not easy as you know well enough yourself, but what alternative is there other than those dark thoughts you alluded to? Hang in there mate.
In the absence of a wood-chipper :D I've decided to reply. I'm not entirely sure what to say - but I will say over the last couple of years I've had my fair share of 'its not worth it if this is the future' and 'as good as it gets' (which doesn't actually feel good at all. Mine is certainly related to hormonal changes, which won't be your issue, but the end result is the same. I'm libran (I don't even agree with horoscopes and stuff so no idea why I said that lol) and one day I feel that we should accept certain parts of us as constant fighting is just draining and depressing when you don't win - but on other days I think the fight and effort must be worth it. Nobody knows the future, something can 'click' and 'change' at any point. So, in my heart I'm an optimist, I see silver linings where others don't - but at my lowest an extreme pessimist.
So, what am I saying ? I'm not entirely sure LOl I think I'm saying that there is no harm in recognising you have had a fight today and that you've given in, feel down about it if you need to and recognise it is part of how you are NOW, but grab yourself by the whatsits and get up and push onwards afterwards as it may not be part of you in the future. There is always hope, and yes things can change. I had a period of a few years like you are in now when I was in my early 20s, I got over it and then had almost 2 decades of absolutely zilch problems at all.I couldn't have imagined back then that things would improve to the point of complete recovery. Its true about things like this making you stronger (here comes the silver lining lol) , all experiences in life negative and positive change you. I think you deserve to push onwards and not accept that this is a full-time forever situation, BUT, accepting now and again that you've had a bad day and this is part of you won't do any harm. Blah blah......making no sense etc.....
---------- Post added at 19:29 ---------- Previous post was at 19:28 ----------
Besides you are literally THE FUNNIEST online person I've 'met' !!!!
Hi , sorry for the late reply Ive been on a downer and came home to more stressful problems , I really appreciate the kind comments although I don't feel I deserve them , I did write a long boring explanation of what's going on but it disappeared ( don't you just hate that ) my loss is probably your gain I do tend to go on and on .
I'll try and come back in a better frame of mind , got to go I've been booked for a warm up act at an execution.
Thanks thanks thanks and thanks :hugs:
I'm currently hiding from life in a tin box down the east coast , walked my dogs this evening and there isn't a soul insight hundreds of empty caravans in darkness , so it should be a place of calm with no threats but I still can't relax .
Yesterday I took a drive to a small country town where I planned on looking though some antique/ junk shops for a few bargains , it's somthing I love to do but my unwanted freind anxiety came along for the trip , it just made it no fun , I was tensed up like a coiled spring , my lungs wouldn't operate in a normal fashion so I was constantly aware of my breathing .
I did what I wanted to do which isn't more than some could do but as I drove back I was overcome with a sense of is this as good as it gets ? Every day a struggle to live a basic normal life , the usual intrusive thoughts popped into my head while driving, why not steer into oncoming traffic and not have to go through this shite the next day .
It's been seven years since I boarded the crazy train and each time I've made progress towards having my old life back there has been a big knock back usually family related to keep me aboard.
So my question to you guys ( if you are still reading and haven't thrown yourself into a woodchipper ) is it better to accept this is how I/we are now , people lose limbs , sight , hearing and adapt and carry on , I'm still living in the past how my life was then trying each day to turn the clock back , how many say I just want to feel how I used to ? .
My mind , heart ,lungs muscles all seem to be at odds with each other there is no harmony just constant pain and tension .
Hiding and avoiding confrontation is not me and It bothers me greatly to keep quiet when somthing is clearly wrong , not stepping up plays hard on my conscience but life is full of problems and confrontation.
So keep on fighting what seems an impossible battle or accept this is as good as it gets ? And just make do with how things are now .
Sorry for the depressing rant I might have cabin fever , or worse :)
What is this isn't how it will always will be? No one can be sure whats around the corner. It's not fair on anyone to go through so much mental suffering. You keep on fighting, you don't what good might meet you around the corner. None of us know. Don't give up, no one is beyond recovery, don't lose hope :hugs:
Buster, sorry you're struggling!
Do you fancing stealing a motorhome and fu##ing off???:D
As good as it gets
Reminds me of a Colin Hay song, "Beautiful World". I play it in my show. It was the last show of the first season of Scrubs. (Season 1, Episode 24... I've binged it a couple of times :winks:).
I've seen Colin a couple of times and I've been a fan since his Men at Work days. There's a lot of truth in his lyrics....
All around is anger, automatic guns
Death in large numbers, no respect for woman, or our little ones
I tried talking to Jesus, but he just put me on hold
Said he'd been swamped by calls this week
And He could not shake his cold
And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you've given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up I watch it as it sets
Yeah this is as good as it gets
"Still this emptiness persists.... perhaps this is as good as it gets...
Positive thoughts
Thanks maz :hugs:
Matt Ive read that you're going through your own personal hell so if you can find a Winnebago monster truck I'll quite happily nick it , I hate traffic so up and over would suit me better plus there is a lot of stuff I'd like to tare up along the way .
Fish I you tubed the song it's pretty cool and laid back , you know on scrubs if a song like that starts someone is about to get bad new or die , stumbled on this track and don't know how Ive never heard it before but love it and can't get it out of my head , lynyrd skynyrd simple man , but this is the song Ive played most this week to try and snap out of this dark place , Tom petty , won't back down , it gives me that boost to not give up .
I was dreading today I had to do something I felt very uncomfortable about, Saturday I noticed the roofers who are doing my daughters roof left nails all over the pavement and road which pissed me off having dogs and van , so I went over to the three blokes and asked him to clear up when he'd done each day , he scoffed at the idea I'd picked up over thirty nails so I said do you want me to f**king fetch them ? , this made me more anxous all day , so Sunday I went out to find loads more nails and my van had a flat tyre , so today I had the choice of letting it go or confronting him again , so I had him about it in the street and it occurred to me he didn't know who I was and when he realised I'm the person who decides if he gets paid £4500 today his attitude changed and he started lying about the nails falling out of his van by accident , I pointed out they were all over the pavment , down the alley and in the back garden , he kept trying to worm his way out of it then offered to pay for my new tyre if I had a reciept which I didn't , he got out his wallet and paid me for my tyre , good choice or he'd have long wait to get paid .
I felt a weight had been lifted and had I not said anything I'd be punching myself in the face right now with a boxing glove with horse shoe in it .
I always regret the things I don't do more than the things I do , except that bleached perm
In the 90s :roflmao:
One day at a time eh ? Cheers guys :hugs:
Matt, you need more of these.........:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Lynyrd Skynyrd simple man is a classic.
Lynyrd Skynyrd in my personal opinion wrote two of the greatest ever rock tracks Free Bird, The Needle and the Spoon and Sweet Home Alabama has got to be up there. Another song by them that's way up in my chill out tunes would be Tuesdays Gone. Check it out Buster.
Buster
---------- Post added at 22:09 ---------- Previous post was at 22:01 ----------
If you do listen to Tuesdays Gone Buster, when the piano kicks in it's just a gorgeous track:yesyes:
I must have been on planet Zorro yesterday. :wacko:
The hugs for Matt we're for his other thread. :doh:
Buster, you must be thinking, why has Matt got hugs, when it is my thread?!?!?
Not that you don't get them either.
Buster, I hope you are feeling a bit more settled? :hugs:
---------- Post added at 09:25 ---------- Previous post was at 09:21 ----------
Matt, 'Freebird' is my partners all time favourite track.
He is also a big fan of 'Danny Gaton'. Worth a watch on YouTube.
Feel free to send Matt hugs on this thread what's mine is yours and he could probably do with some hugs although there are some rules regarding any man hugs ,
First rule of man hugs we don't talk about man hugs
Second rule of man hugs we stand at arms length apart to avoid any tackle bumping
Third rule of man hugs no eye contact before , during and for five minutes after
Fourth rule of man hugs we talk about football , cars or motorbikes afterwards :D
I you tubed lynyrd skynyrd Tuesdays gone and really liked it , been a fan of free bird since hearing it on forest gump years ago , so listened to the track on you tube then oooppps I scrolled down and saw Metallica Tuesdays gone , you know where this is going I thought their cover was even better , is that a sin ? Am I going to hell ? Well it's going on my MP3 .
Today was somehow easier to cope with , roofers had gone and left more nails , daughter text to say she had a puncture, took mum to doctors and her appointment was 1 hour 50 mins late we were just walking out when the doc ran out and fetched us back apologising ( they don't like it when you're late ) and daughter's new roof leaks , but some days you can take it some you can't , today I could :)
I'm open to any suggestions on music excluding cliff Richard :D
I must have been on planet Zorro yesterday. :wacko:
The hugs for Matt we're for his other thread. :doh:
Buster, you must be thinking, why has Matt got hugs, when it is my thread?!?!?
Not that you don't get them either.
Buster, I hope you are feeling a bit more settled? :hugs:
---------- Post added at 09:25 ---------- Previous post was at 09:21 ----------
Matt, 'Freebird' is my partners all time favourite track.
He is also a big fan of 'Danny Gaton'. Worth a watch on YouTube.
Free Bird is timeless. Always up there in the greatest ever rock tracks.
I will check out Danny Gatton. Thanks:)
Thanks Buster. :)
I'm with you on the 'Cliff Richard' choice.
Just checking to see if you are ok Buster? :)
EmmerLooeez
06-12-18, 21:38
I don't have much advice to give Buster, but just want to send my love. <3 Xxx
Hi carnation, thanks for asking , I have t been doing too good lately I have a site miss for a few days as I'd got nothing good to say , anyway now I have somthing to say and somthing to ask , here goes , I've had asthma and anxiety for years and their is a blurred line between the two , for the last two and a half years I've had trouble breathing on a daily basis it's taken over my life , Ive spent so much time searching for the reason is it asthma, reflux , allergy to my dog who we got around the time it started or could it be anxiety? .
Since my mum went in hospital my anxiety has spiked and the breathing trouble has got much worse , it starts as soon as I wake up a tightness in my throat and chest , I can feel and hear wheezing from my throat , walking my dogs can be a nightmare where my chest hurts and I struggle to breathe but if I check my peak flow when I get home it's usualy normal .
This week has been really bad all day everyday concentrating on my breathing , it's exhausting and soul destroying, this brings us up to today , it started the same woke up struggling to breathe , walked the dogs with the usual iron band around my chest , suffocating feeling and throat wheezing all day , then this evening was my grandkids school fair , I knew I couldn't go I could barely breathe and felt like I was dying so I just agreed to drive them there , when I pulled up at the school I thought f**k it Ive have had enough and went in , i don't want to miss out on their childhood for some weird reason they adore me which I don't feel I deserve, I wasn't that anxious in a packed hall of kids and parents , afterwards I said let's go drive around and see the Christmas lights , I told the kids the rules when you see nice lights you have to shout oooohhh and the next lot shout aaaahhhhhh , we all had a lovely time laughing and shouting , they didn't want to go home , when I got home I realised I was breathing normally for the first time this week with no tightness .
So the question can anxiety really be so cruel and powerful as to make me feel this way for over two years , I have asthma but I haven't been in hospital with it in over ten years .
I'm either really ill and about to die or really mental and need a kick up the ar*e .
I suppose the only sure way is to have full autopsy on my internal organs have them all laid out and checked for disease then popped back in and electricity sent through the bolts in my neck to bring me back , this would need to be repeated once a month as my broken mind starts to think they may have missed somthing.:doh:
Or I'm open to other suggestions.
---------- Post added at 21:48 ---------- Previous post was at 21:45 ----------
Thanks Em just saw that post , hugs right back at ya .:hugs:
Ahhhh, the never ending questions we ask ourselves and others when we don't feel so good and have to know the root of the problem.
Yes, we know anxiety can cause breathing problems, do does stress, poor air, high humidity, fear and of course asthma and allergies.
My x hubby suffered with asthma and dog hairs did make it worse and so did stress.
And anxiety stress does the same thing.
In both cases, if you feed your brain with happy things, the breathing difficulties seem to fade away, which is probably why you felt better driving around with the kids admiring the lights.
So I suppose the answer is to try and fill your day with as much good stuff as you can. Not always easy, but it helps. :)
Thanks carnation, the way that dog looks at me when she puts her head on my knee I know i can't give her up even if she is the problem and stress seems to follow me around like the puppy she was , I do like others on here feel sick and tired of searching for the answers.
I'd swap the rest of my life for a year feeling the way I did last night happy with the kids .
If you guys had the choice of living ten years without anxiety / depression or twenty with it which would you take ? Death is a big fear of mine but living with anxiety is not so much living but just existing, I'd go with the ten without .
I'm definitely not happy with this being as good as it gets .
Buster mate, never think you don't deserve those kids. They take you and love you exactly as you are, anxiety, asthma the lot.
Could your asthma be anxiety related? I really wouldn't put anything past anxiety, I've developed nausea this year as a new anxiety symptom. Completely out of nowhere. I think our bodies learn symptoms. Your asthma is I think genuine but the anxiety possibly latches on to it. Just my take.
Fish that's the million dollar question , I really have no idea, first the doc said take load more steroid inhalers that gave me thrush and a thrust infection then they said post nasal drip then reflux, then they just looked at me like I was mental so I stopped going , Ive tried stopping and starting everything but there are two constants I can't stop , stress and the dog , no getting away from those .
Now here's my new storey from the wonderful world of Buster , Friday my partner had a new social worker come to see her for the first time , she went through al the history and notes from her predecessor, turns out she has been saying she suspects I beat her and her suicide attempts were cry's for help to get away from the abuse , I have never hit her ever , funny that they don't bloody help her but they can come to these assumptions, Partner has always bruised like a peach and having kids and three dogs she very rarely doesn't have a bruise somwhere she's also pretty clumsy , one record said she had bruises on her shinns possibly from being kicked what they were actually from was leaning on the rungs of a step ladder while painting , also funny that they wouldn't consider if I were being abused not all abuse leaves bruises . So I'm expecting the BBC's helicopter and cops around my house pretty soon , maybe a break in prison would do me good .
Right got to go my bladder is fit for bursting :D
What???!!!!???? Oh Buster, what a friggin fast! :mad:
Basically I see it like this. It's up to your partner to put them right! :hugs:
Agree with Carnation Buster, your partner needs to stamp those nasty rumours out fast. It just takes a bit of gossip, mud sticking and all that. You really do deserve better from those professionals.
OMG Buster, how did they manage to jump to that conclusion.
And you are totally correct not all abuse is physical.
I hope that your partner gets this sorted out quickly for you.
So the previous social worker suspected abuse but didn't do anything other than record it in her notes? Your partner didn't put the new social worker right on this straightaway? These are serious charges which are being recorded on your partner's notes with no medical evidence at all or formal follow-up.
Hi all , partner did tell her social worker no abuse was happening she also told the old one the same and she's had the same questions at the hospital before , none of these people have ever met me , they see bruises and jump to one conclusion, if they see her this week they will say the same as she walked into a concrete planter and has badly bruised her leg , the bloody thing has been there 15 years , it's not an easy time to be a man we are judged as guilty without trial because some shites do wrong .
Been really struggling the last few days , waking up full of adrenaline and pretty much staying like it all day , it's like dragging a big anchor round with you totally exhausting and the nights are no better ,nightmares and broken sleep ,I'm so tensed up all day I'm constantly in pain . if I'd know what this anxiety malarkey was like I don't think I'd have signed up to it , still could be worse ,,,, maybe not .
Do we get time off at Christmas? I could really do with a break .
Oh and the bloody cold is killing me literally.
Moan over :)
MyNameIsTerry
16-12-18, 03:03
Buster, that must be horrible to have heard! :mad: Both of you stand firm on this, there are some bloody awful social workers in the UK that need the sack (some should be in jail too) as we see from the years of things they got away with. Some have even been proved to have lied to get a case into Family Court and yet they don't get stuck in jail for contempt and perverting the course of justice like we would...I strongly suspect local authorities have a lot of skeletons they don't want coming out.
I guess they have to record anything they are concerned about because of the cases where they don't and something does happen but in the case of the innocent this must be an awful accusation. Many abused partners cover up & lie so I can understand that but there seems to be so much in social work where they either don't bother or go steaming in when they shouldn't hence why so many people are wary of them. I'm not sure how you tackle this with them and I hope what I've just said isn't seen as me agreeing with them because I don't, it's a serious accusation as pulisa says and every time they hand over to a new one they are going to have a false impression.
I hope it is sorted out, that alone is a big stressor on mental health. It's happened to a few others on here due to poor social workers (more than one guy with OCD considered a risk to his children due to their ignorance of OCD and a woman assumed a risk just because of previous self harm (I think) and I was disgusted with all the cases).
Put the record straight once and for all and talk to the social worker when she next visits your partner? If she has suspicions she should have asked to talk to you anyway to get your side on things. You can't have these accusations being recorded on her notes with no proof or resolution of the matter. No one has even met you to discuss this.
I agree! It's not a situation you should leave open for possible investigation. Your partner needs to put it straight!
And you do too!Put a stop to the nonsense and false accusations because you really don't want that crap on top of everything else.
To be honest I'm past caring , the sequence is usually, partner gets a bruise , she goes to docs or hospital for unrelated issue ( you guys know she's there a lot ) Doc sees it , Doc sees me and thinks he looks a bruiser he must be hitting her , partner denies it and try's to put them straight , social worker sees this and wants to save her from my evil clutches , she denies it again and social worker thinks she's lying because she's scared , no matter what I say they will make up their own version because they can't see what really goes on behind closed doors , I can understand why they have to do it , our alcoholic neighbour regularly gets the crap beaten out of her by her BF and always drops it with the police when he talks her round , he is an evil snide of a man .
It's not my main worry right now so it's more p**sing me off than worrying me , it's not them picking up the pieces when she's in hospital .
So to summarise, F&@k em and the horse they rode in on .
I really must try and find something more cheery to write about given its the season of good will .:hugs:
I am flabbergasted Buster. Don't be past caring. Needs to be sorted asap.
Total crap. I am lost for words. :hugs::hugs::hugs:x
Been a tough few days ( ok years ) firstly partner has said she's going to ask the social
Worker about removing the suspicions off her record about abuse , I pointed out she wouldn't like untruths on record about her and if anything happened to her I be locked up quick as a flash .
So as I said been feeling rotten 24/7 it seems all this years stress is now taking its toll , this week my daughter's new roof we arranged has sprung not one but two leaks , the roofer came round to see daughter and partner and was his usual cocky arrogant self and tried to brush it off and talk all over them , partner held her own but it really bothered me that I'd let them deal with him ( male pride it's a Killer ) so I sent photos to my roofer cousin and got his opinion , when the cocky roofer came today mob handed with three others I went round guns blazing and had it out with him in front of his workers , he tried to blame everyone and everything except himself but I stuck to my guns and showed him all the faults which were obvious and everytime he made and excuse I said we paid YOU good money and the roof leaks , YOU ! are responsible , it was a full blown outdoor argument which I used to great at , this time my heart was pounding out of my chest and the anxiety was saying run for the hills you coward , but I didn't and ok when I got home I felt physically sick but if I hadn't gone I'd be fishing out the boxing gloves again to beat myself up .
I do wonder is it better to just avoid confrontation and give in to anxiety letting people walk all over you which can cause depression or stand up and do what you think is right no matter how much it hurts , tonight I hurt but my conscience is clear .
Oh and also spent some quality time with my mum today , Ive managed to turn some old 1950s negatives into digital photos , she hadn't seen them since she was a girl and I had only seen two photos of my grandad before so it was nice for both of us although a little
Upsetting seeing the young carfree girl who is now an old woman who I know won't be around much longer , she thanked me for the nice chat and time , I wished we were a more huggy family at times . Life is too short .
Take care all :hugs:
With you on the confrontation. I tend to back down because any aggro spikes my anx immediately. Starts in my legs and then it's all downhill. But then, as you say, people walk over you, which I hate. It just goes to show what we will put up with to avoid anxiety. This is one crappy condition.
This year has been shite for me too, loads of personal stuff,serious family illnesses, loss of pets and it does have an accumulative affect on anxiety. This year has been one of my worst.
So I'm going to burn this years calendar in a voodoo ceremony on 31st. Things have just got to get better right?
Buster, so pleased to hear your partner is going to put the records straight. :)
I'm also pleased to hear that you had some quality time with your mum.
The rest can be resolved in time, so what I am saying is you had two positives in your day, so not all negative. :hugs:
Darksky, I never realised you had bad stuff going on and you still have time for others. I wish you a better year next year as you deserve it. :hugs:
Darksky really sorry you are having a shite year too , anxiety does make you feel doomed if you do doomed if you don't , I have to tell myself I'm not getting involved then go for it at the last second or I overthink the situation and bottle it , I can regret not doing the right thing for weeks where as getting involved is over after a day .
All of those small problems seem to grind down your confidence to a fine powder then one puff and you're gone . Believe me Ive had a few problems over the last decade .
I'd like to burn the last ten years and start a new year with a positive outlook , maybe change your name to Blueskys next year .
I think I can see next years upset Coming but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it .
Carnation I'm going with three positives my daughter sent a video of my grandson in his first nativity play which was as cute a button , he was a king , my mum loved that as well .
Buster, first of all can I just take my hat off to you. I'm not actually wearing one but all the same, you did brilliantly tackling that pea-brained roofer. As us anxiety people know, confrontation is not good for us, it can trigger symptoms and generally impacts negatively in a big way. And yet you still went ahead and took the bull by the horns.
Secondly, I'm a qualified bricklayer with a good few years experience before I met Mrs F and became her carer. The buck stops with whoever has done the work, end of. It doesn't make a difference blaming anyone or everyone else, if you have paid good money for the work to be done, it should be done and to a satisfactory standard. If the roof is leaking then he needs to sort the problem out himself. I'm guessing one of his lackeys might be at fault but nevertheless, he's the boss.
It's people like him that give builders a bad name and spawn all those TV shows about cowboy builders ripping off clients. I worked with my Dad and brothers, it was a matter of pride to get the job done correctly. Sadly we had cases where we carried out the work and didn't get paid the agreed cost, which led to the business folding. Crooked customers exist too but that's another story for another day. Well done mate for sticking to your guns, you're an inspiration.
MyNameIsTerry
19-12-18, 02:21
Buster, first of all can I just take my hat off to you. I'm not actually wearing one but all the same, you did brilliantly tackling that pea-brained roofer. As us anxiety people know, confrontation is not good for us, it can trigger symptoms and generally impacts negatively in a big way. And yet you still went ahead and took the bull by the horns.
Secondly, I'm a qualified bricklayer with a good few years experience before I met Mrs F and became her carer. The buck stops with whoever has done the work, end of. It doesn't make a difference blaming anyone or everyone else, if you have paid good money for the work to be done, it should be done and to a satisfactory standard. If the roof is leaking then he needs to sort the problem out himself. I'm guessing one of his lackeys might be at fault but nevertheless, he's the boss.
It's people like him that give builders a bad name and spawn all those TV shows about cowboy builders ripping off clients. I worked with my Dad and brothers, it was a matter of pride to get the job done correctly. Sadly we had cases where we carried out the work and didn't get paid the agreed cost, which led to the business folding. Crooked customers exist too but that's another story for another day. Well done mate for sticking to your guns, you're an inspiration.
Fishman says more than I can. It is hard to stand up for yourself with these disorders. We want to run away but then know we will just kick ourselves. Like much in anxiety if you can choose to take it on knowing how it may turn out not only does it show your courage, your willingness to keep pushing yourself but also shows you can do things you may think you can't. That all helps build self confidence and the self esteem it knocks onto.
You're just one of those guys that doesn't like anyone feeling bad for something you have said or done. Confrontation opens the door to this too and unlike so many in this world you don't want to spend your life making others feel bad for a "win" but still want to stand up for yourself (and others).
Fishman, my dad was a landscape gardener (for a firm) for many years and a lot of them did "foreigners" (is that a term still?) so he knows what you mean. He's been lucky in that because he could pick his outside work he didn't have these problems. They certainly happened plenty inside the firm though. It's all a chain as you know better than I do, everyone spreading out the money across multiple jobs & suppliers and anyone folds in that chain and you are knackered.
I remember when his firm went bust, again, the liquidators sent out the schedules and they had racked up loads to a plant hire supplier who later refused to supply them unless is it cash upfront. Another was a building supplies merchant but they kept allowing it even after as I guess that's how it goes for them? But at one point they nearly folded simply because they were doing a large job for a businessman (now a bit of a celeb, been on TV) who kept finding excuses. He nearly caused the firm to go under as they had all their men on it as it was so big a job. The guy was well known for his "dealings" (I worked for his company in my early days and we all saw what went on) but a big firm can cover these situations better than a small one...although Carillion seem to have broken that mould :whistles:
Well done, Buster! :yesyes: And I hope you get that SS record sorted (funny how initials come out, isn't it? :winks:)
Well done, Buster! You can't let people get away with things like this. I have never had a problem with confrontation-I've had a fair few confrontations in my lifetime but maybe that is more down to my circumstances.
HI guys and thanks , fish I was a bricklayer when I left school I started work on my 16th birthday , straight in at the deep end digging footings and hod carrying , funny thing I worked for an old guy and the other bricklayer was mr universe , he gave up building for body building he was quite famous eat the time , but christ it was hard trying to keep two brickies going , I worked in most areas of building so I know how a house is put together, i later went into car restoration, this roofer is so full of shite he can't stop the endless lies and excuses, my daughter has been onto him again today armed with a lot of facts about what he's done wrong from me and my cousin ( we've both looked in the attic today ) he's trying to worm his way out of it but it ain't happening.
Funny ( ok not really funny ) how anxiety is triggered by different things for us I'm ok driving but others struggle with it , I can be laughing and joking with strangers then it just pops up from nowhere, I'm ok with a short spur of the moment confrontation but if it goes on too long the panic sets in but I think this happens with " normal people " ( anyone else hate people doing air quotes? , you don't do them do you ? ) .
My partner has depression and anxiety but also anger issues so she's ok with confrontation, are you a angry raging lunatic in an argument pulisa or the cool calm type ? It may seem old fashioned but I can't live with the idea of someone fighting my battles for me like I'm
Hiding behind them , I'd rather put my bare toes under the front of a moving steam roller :roflmao:.
Terry I would rather be making people laugh and happy than feeling shite about themselves but it is sometimes deserved.
Sorry you lost a pet this year Darksky , two and a half years since I lost my dog and I still miss him even with two more dogs it doesn't quite fill the void .:hugs:
What's with all this bricklaying?
My dad was a bricklayer too. :D
He worked on some iconic buildings in London.
Even I can mix cement and build a garden wall. :D
Buster, my o/h has anxiety and anger issues.
I like to run away.
My partner can get uptight over the smallest of things like parking a car, overfilling a kettle, trying to zip his jacket up and having a non runny egg, too name but a few.
I'm a bit like you Buster. I can exchange a few words, but anything over 5 minutes and my brain starts to wander, my focus wanders on to their feet or the clouds in the sky and by then I start to inch away sort of smiling but more like a gritting of the teeth.
Buster, you do make people laugh. If everything else fails, you could consider stand up comedy. :D
Oh boy :blush: yes I've done air quotes in the past. Not often but yes I'll fess up. Now I'm laughing at myself for doing them so it's all good.
I lost two dogs this year Buster, it's a killer. They just don't stay long enough. But I light a candle for them and the others that have gone. I'm a soppy sod.:D
It's good to laugh and on here things can get heavy at times so a good laugh along the way is good for the soul. Was chuckling tonight...did anyone else watch Mickey Flanagans Christmas. He really tells it how it is, funny guy.
Buster, I'm a raging lunatic internally but can manage to hold it together for a subtle killer verbal punch when I need to..:)
Terry - yep the building trade is dog eat dog. We would often be the main sub-contractors with subbies working for us. A lot of the big building firms would knock a big chunk off what they owed us, then we couldn't pay the guys expecting their wage come Friday.
One job we did was on a restaurant. The client owed us £10,000 for work done and passed by the building inspector. He told us to chase the main contractor for it, which we did only to find him bankrupt. They both knew we could never afford to take them to court, so we never got that money. And that was in 1988. We had a few like that and the business folded. We later heard that original client (a dentist) was fiddling the NHS by doing non-existent emergency call outs and was sent down. Another thing I noticed over the years, the wealthy customers were the worst payers, which got me thinking 'how did they get wealthy?' We had this couple with a tatty old cottage, five kids driven off to school in a rusty old van. And guess what, they paid up right away on request, the full amount.
Good to see lots of bricklayers on here :shades:
I think it's a generation thing with the building and manufacturing, nowadays we don't build or make much it's all virtual, Nottingham were I am used to make everything from beer to bicycles and it all needed buildings now it's all gone , I used to go to the pub on payday pack my job in and start a new one in a different trade you can't do that anymore .
Carnation don't you think a bit of anger is needed for passion ? All the great footballers , artists , musicians etc seem to have anger issues , it takes a lot for me to lose it especially now I'm a different kind of nuts but when I do it's quite spectacular, my brother has no patience at all , I went round to help him because mum said he was struggling to fix his car and by time I got there he was hitting it with a hammer and swearing , ten minutes of calm and spannering and I'd fixed it , he also tried to kill me when he was young in a rage he pushed me through a glass bedroom window it was only the strong curtains I grabbed that saved me , a bit of anger good , too much ehh not so good .
Darksky you made me laugh with your admission of air quotes ( only thing worse is air quotes when they aren't even quoting anyone ) what next air question marks ? or air guitar ? Oh yeah that's allready a thing , any way laughed then read you lost two dogs and welled up , losing one was heart breaking it wasn't like losing a family member it was losing a family member , I said I could go through that again but the other dog would go out so here we are again two dogs one old one young , oh and as for soppy his ashes are still in the living room as no one would let me scatter them .
Pulisa I remember you saying before you're more likely to keep the fruit and veg in the shopping trolley than start screaming and throwing it at the shoppers , is that a metaphor ? I think I did a metaphor :D
Anyway rambling on so I'll leave you all be .
Ps Ive been looking into wether I'm dyslexic and all the online tests said high chance of yes 70% I scored and it would explain a lot of things that may be obvious to you guys , it's not catching or life threatening so you lot will be ok :hugs:
Buster, think I'm all angered out. :D
Do you need anger for passion. No, I don't think you do. You need feeling, but not necessarily anger. I would have thought sensitivity was more the emotion.:shrug:
Darksky, so sorry to hear about the loss of your dogs. :hugs:
Thank you, I don't believe they have truly gone. We just can't see them. I know they come with us on our dog walks, following behind quietly. Well maybe not quietly, my dogs are never quiet.
Now you're talking Buster...Air Guitar.....yes I'll admit that, loud and proud! Put a bit of Queen or Zeppelin on and I'm there strumming away. Can't actually play a real guitar but I'm awesome with an air one:yahoo:
Sound like you'd make a good rock chick Darksky. :D
I'll let you in to a little secret........
I used to play electric guitar many moons ago, but now I'm more Laura Ashley, as Buster puts it. :D
MyNameIsTerry
21-12-18, 03:17
HI guys and thanks , fish I was a bricklayer when I left school I started work on my 16th birthday , straight in at the deep end digging footings and hod carrying , funny thing I worked for an old guy and the other bricklayer was mr universe , he gave up building for body building he was quite famous eat the time , but christ it was hard trying to keep two brickies going , I worked in most areas of building so I know how a house is put together, i later went into car restoration, this roofer is so full of shite he can't stop the endless lies and excuses, my daughter has been onto him again today armed with a lot of facts about what he's done wrong from me and my cousin ( we've both looked in the attic today ) he's trying to worm his way out of it but it ain't happening.
Funny ( ok not really funny ) how anxiety is triggered by different things for us I'm ok driving but others struggle with it , I can be laughing and joking with strangers then it just pops up from nowhere, I'm ok with a short spur of the moment confrontation but if it goes on too long the panic sets in but I think this happens with " normal people " ( anyone else hate people doing air quotes? , you don't do them do you ? ) .
My partner has depression and anxiety but also anger issues so she's ok with confrontation, are you a angry raging lunatic in an argument pulisa or the cool calm type ? It may seem old fashioned but I can't live with the idea of someone fighting my battles for me like I'm
Hiding behind them , I'd rather put my bare toes under the front of a moving steam roller :roflmao:.
Terry I would rather be making people laugh and happy than feeling shite about themselves but it is sometimes deserved.
Sorry you lost a pet this year Darksky , two and a half years since I lost my dog and I still miss him even with two more dogs it doesn't quite fill the void .:hugs:
You worked with Arnie?!!! I knew he was a brickie as a young man. You got around then! :D
I have to confess to air quoting on here. It's always because I can't be arsed to use the italics and when I turn the JavaScript off on my phone the buttons don't work on the edits and I can't bothered to turn it back on again or type the code manually. Argh, I'm vindicated...well maybe not
I'm impressed Carnation :) Now I can picture Suzi Quattro. I would love to play electric guitar. There's one in our loft plus an amp. OH attempted to learn but the noise was horrendous. Fortunately for both our sanity he gave up lol
Get going again Carnation, that riff from Whole Lotta Love (Zeppelin). Can just hear it :)
Me and you on guitar, we'll get Buster on the drums. Need a singer...Terry? You can sing can't you and strut your Jagger. Well call ourselves The Panics :roflmao:
Anyway, Earth to Darksky....I've got ironing to do, rock and roll.
Darksky, basic guitar is easy to learn.
Most people start with Beatles songs and you can wear headphones. I love watching Dolly Parton play with her amazing long nails.
I think Buster would be good on drums and he can imagine all those cowboy builders when he is smashing the drums. Oh don't know if Terry can sing, otherwise we have fishman or even yourself. And we need a bass player, maybe Terry can do that? The Panics is a brilliant name. Who would manage us, because I think we might be pretty difficult to manage with our wobbles and absentees. :D Hey, what about Pulisa? Maybe she could manage the band, she seems very organised and can remember dates and will understand our mental wobbles. And a set list. Would we go for crazy stuff?
Sounds so exciting in our imaginary world. But, I bet we'd go straight to the top of the charts even if we were rubbish! :winks:
I actually know a lot of musicians with some form of mental disorder. The music helps them massively, that's if they pluck up the courage to get there.
I love 'Whole Lotta Love', one of my favourites. :)
And Black Night - Deep Purple, Ace of Spades, the list is endless.
---------- Post added at 11:07 ---------- Previous post was at 11:04 ----------
I've got ironing too. :( stacks of it looking at me saying, "I'm getting taller not shorter". :ohmy:
Blimey Carnation, you wouldn't even suggest me singing if you'd heard me.
I watched that film Bohemian Rhapsody last night. ( very good btw) I was singing my head off to the various Queen songs when my son turned to me and said....so, you going with that then?
His way of saying stfu, you've burst my ear drum :roflmao:
Well I still feel like crap today but I've decided to only post positive things until the end of this anus horriblus :D if not positive at least poking fun at our wonderful world of weird .
Right Terrence different Mr universe this was 1996 Arnie was more like 1946 , my old work mate was in a film blink and you'd miss him and he was on tv a few times , he fell from grace quite spectacularly and I saw him at the docs not long back a shadow of his former self but still a real nice bloke who stops to talk to everyone .
Now me and music , I did join a punk band aged 11 but being able to play wasn't necessary we soon split up after a band brawl . I can play air guitar quite well like Darksky but I do wonder what it would sound like if a real guitar suddenly appeared in our hands , I doubt we'd be hearing the new Jimmy Hendrix, as for my singing a teacher at school once asked me to make snow flakes instead of being in the Christmas nativity because ( air quotes ready )" your voice isn't quite sweet enough " neither was her coffee breath non of us are perfect , she was old then so now she'll be in the great staff room in the sky .
Funny thing the other day , I see my old vw van as my escape pod when im out and a about the music is always loud and I sing my heart out where ever I go , the other day while driving through the city I pulled up at the lights singing away , I looked out of my side window and a woman was stood looking at me , it dawned on me people can hear me singing over the city traffic and my engine , it also dawned on me I no longer care , I laughed and carried on .:roflmao:
My other glimmer of happiness today came in an unusual form when I went for a shower I noticed a brand new pair of white exfoliating gloves in the bathroom no idea where they came from but I was having a go , I put them on and looked in the mirror still wearing my t shirt and work braces ( yeah sticking with the braces idea ) and looking back was Marcel Marceau ( that might be lost on under foreties ) so I did a bit of man stuck in glass box , cleaning the non existent windows and then a bit of creepy Micheal Jackson, I didn't bother taking them in the shower but I did laugh at how nuts you can be in the bathroom without being judged by people who don't understand because " they weren't there man " .
So that's my insight into the cuckoo clock that rests on my shoulders where my head used reside.
Ta ta :hugs:
You definitely have to be the front man for the Band Buster, especially now we know you have Michael Jackson moves. :D
MyNameIsTerry
22-12-18, 02:20
Wow, if that's a certain brick layer from Sutton Coldfield then maybe I know who you mean? He was number one for a long time.
I've got some cream for your horrible anus :ohmy::blush::yesyes:
You definitely have to be the front man for the Band Buster, especially now we know you have Michael Jackson moves. :D
Front man ? I'd be more jelly legs than moon walking , although Mick jagger is a bit jelly legged in his style and he's done ok , I did pogo with punk band Exploited a few times and Ten pole tuder once spat at me at a gig , I was so proud :D
Still the wrong Mr universe T , if you were into bodybuilding, budgie smugglers and steroids you'd know the one .
Yesterday a lesson was learnt, it's true we learn somthing new everyday , yesterday's lesson was if you haven't seen you grandson for a week don't let him catch up on his advent calendar 7 days choc then drop him at nursery , 1 he will be on a sugar high and run round like a nut ,2 all that running will result in a phone call to fetch your sick covered grandson, oooops better out than in and better at school than in my van .:whistles:
We were at a Sex Pistols gig one and Sid Viscious stubbed his fag out on someone's hand. They were equally proud.:D
Just checking you've done your Christmas shopping Buster. Wondered if you might be making some gadgets in your shed like Santa's Grotto? :D
Wow Darksky a pistols gig , one of my first records was Friggin in the riggin , I was only ten so I had to hide it from my mum , she wasn't too impressed when I shaved all my hair off and got some Doc Martins and a donkey jacket , neither were school , my god my mum had to cope with a lot I was a shite :D
Finished my pressie shopping today ,nipped to Tk max and here's a tip , massive queue of traffic for the car park so I drove in the goods entrance round the back parked up and nipped through a staff gate straight into the shop , get in :D
Took the kids , daughter and partner for an evening drive last night to see the local lights , we stuck a load of Christmas songs on load and all sang really load , I'd been insanely anxous all day and this helped no end , the kids loved it even when we drove down a dark lane and turned the lights off ,:noangel: I can't always make much sense of this world we live in but I think making good memories for others makes in more fun .
Hope Mr c has bought you something nice carnation and you have a great day I know this year will be a bit different for you :hugs:
Happy Christmas to all that have helped me through another tough year , you know who you are, and thank you .:bighug1:
---------- Post added at 21:13 ---------- Previous post was at 21:05 ----------
Oh forgot to mention Ive been on shed tidying duties they were getting a real mess ( like my head ) after crimbo I might finish the six foot dalek I started making ages ago , partner doesn't like it so it may have to be mounted on the shed roof ( not that kind of mounted :whistles:)
As usual things have slipped quickly down hill ( how bloody long is this hill ) partners not well , docs today and docs tomorrow for X-ray , hearing her crying out in pain all day and night is making me feel very low and very very selfish , I'm doing what I can to help but I can't really help, when she asks what she should do I've already said all I can and the doc is telling her the same things I say .
A break would be good not just a single day of ok but I know as the title says this is as good as it gets and as much as I'd like to burn the calendar and start next year afresh but I know worse is in the post , so much for only positive posts until the end of this crappy year .
I have so many plans in my head for next year but it's unlikely life will allow it .
Sorry for the grim post if anyone wants to pop round and punch some happiness into my ugly mug you are more than welcome .
:hugs:
I'll come round and clock you one with my 3310, as you said, it's a fair old brick:D
God Buster you don't catch a break do you. Feel helpless except that you have always got us to vent to. So let it out on here, far better than bottling it up :bighug1:
Oh Buster, Lets hope that next year brings you better luck. I surely hope so.:hugs: xxx
hearing her crying out in pain all day and night is making me feel very low and very very selfish I'm really sorry you're feeling low Buster, I think anyone else in your position would be long gone. So as for being selfish, you just are not, no way. A blokey hug for ya mate :hugs:
Thank you , just feeling sorry for myself again , it will pass , times like this I do feel a horrible selfish shite , I should be able to cope with looking after my family but as some of you know it's not been easy and I do find myself saying " what the f**k now ? " I'm a nervous wreck , I jump at my phone ringing or a knock at the door and dread what it will be always expecting the worst . I recently had to help my mum go to the toilet an all time low , get that bloody pillow ready if I get old and incapable, I used to be scared of dying but I'm more scared of getting old now .
This too shall pass ( said the doctor to the constipated man ) :noangel:
---------- Post added at 19:21 ---------- Previous post was at 19:15 ----------
Thanks fish , don't think Ive ever had an actual bloke hug , only held my dads hand after he passed away not sure that counts , get plenty of hugs off the grandkids should make the most of it before they grow up , we're not a huggy family , wish we were at times .
Take care .:hugs:
You've said that your partner is pretty tough and carries on regardless so please don't feel selfish or guilty? You've got enough worries with your Mum.
Just take it a day or even an hour at a time? Your partner is getting medical attention-there's nothing more you can do. Enjoy your grandkids and get a bit of relief from all the angst by spending time with them? Anything that gives you some "escapism".
On that note just read that "Silent Witness" is back in "early 2019"....
Ooh, that's one of your favourites Pulisa, my mum also loved Silent Witness. :)
A hug for you Buster :hugs: my Partner's mum is also poorly. You do what you have to do, but you must also find time to go on one of your fun drives with the kids. :)
Today was a better day , haven't seen the kids since Christmas Day and that wasn't for long ( their dad is a real dick and won't come round ) because of Christmas and partner not being well Ive spent a lot of time on my own , I'm not seeing the usual dog walkers either so not much company there either , today we had the kids from 8.30 and we made it all about them , games and toys in the morning , then I took them to the park in the afternoon , granddaughter is getting too old or so she thinks , I put her on the swing and she said push but I twisted it round and round until she was high up then gave it a good spin she spun so fast her hat flew off , we were laughing our socks off , she said do it again and video it so I can see what face I pull . Taught grandson to ride his bike by taking off the stabilisers and pushing him down a hill , I panicked as he picked up speed and ended up running after him , I darn't take the kids home broken like I did with my girls.
Back home after a bit of weird dance off we all sat down with food partner had made and watched jumanjii together .
Back on my own again now painkillers are knocking out partner but it was a good day and good memories for the kids when I fall off my perch .
I hate the days when life feels pointless but they do come and go , I do appreciate the kind replies when I feel like shite .
Pulisa you seem to be the Radio times of what Coming soon on tv then when it gets here you don't watch it until later , when we were kids if you didn't watch it when it was on you didn't watch it, let's face it no one knew how to set a 14 day video timer :D
Watching 3 episodes of breaking bad each night but going to sleep late then waking up early after nightmares is draining me , not much daylight hours either but the shortest day has passed I think.
Right got to go need a wee too much shandy :D
Take care soon be next year :hugs:
I have to Sky+ stuff and watch it when I can, Buster. I think the ability to record programmes is great-means I can watch things little by little when I can.
Sounds like you had a great day. Yeah, bad days come but they DO go, they always do thank God and then you will have a great day that blasts the all the bad away. Due to the nature of the beast, the shit will resurface but we get through it. Some small thing, sometimes with me, it's a song on the radio or something I read that will lift me and the anxiety cloud will part a little and the sun, a weak winter sun, but the sun never the less, will peak through and it doesn't seem so bad.
Yeah the shortest day has passed. The 21st I think. So gradually now it's getting lighter, day by day.
I watched Apollo 13 last night. Love, love love Tom Hanks
Me too Darksky. I will watch anything with Tom Hanks in it. :)
Buster, you are doing well my friend holding it together over the Christmas. :hugs:
What's not to like about Tom Hanks ? Castaway if my favourite, was probably the film I've watched the most times .
It wasn't a great day today but it wasn't bad either , just plodded on and got what I needed to do done , the glimmer of light you mention Darksky is what stops me in my tracks some days , the sun glimmering through the trees on my morning dog walk can be very beautiful, the nature of this illness can make you overlook the small things in life but when you do have a good day everything seems clearer and brighter , added a few more tracks to my MP3 today music is my temporary escape .
Been thinking about selling the small camper and getting the bigger one for the great escape again but I know it's a dream not a plan right now , still a dream is better than nowt eh ? Everything I build or restore I do it a hundred times in my head first ( overthinking not all bad ) .
Oh and a weird thing , over the years Ive had some really disturbing intrusive thoughts , put it this way you wouldn't accept a lift off me if you could see my thoughts , SWERVE , anyway my new and more funny intrusive thought that popped into my head in the supermarket was seeing a man with a big beard and thinking pull it , you've got to chuckle at this mental illness malarkey, thank f**k you can't see other people's thoughts .
Yo'all take care now .:D
There was a film about that Buster, think it was called, 'What Women Want', Mel Gibson? :D
You are right, it is the small things, the glimmers of light.
Last night I was walking the pooch by the river and on the other side someone had hung hundreds of coloured twinkling Christmas lights over a big tree.
The reflection in the water stopped me in my tracks. It was so lovely, I stood for ages just staring at it and it certainly lifted my spirits. Until my toes froze like a pound of chipolatas, that wasn't so uplifting. The temperature has certainly dropped Brrrrr.
MyNameIsTerry
02-01-19, 17:11
What's not to like about Tom Hanks ? Castaway if my favourite, was probably the film I've watched the most times .
His best mate was Wilson. He got frustrated and kicked Wilson in the face landing him in the sea. Then got upset and begged for forgiveness from his mate. :buttkick: Wilson was a very forgiving friend! :winks:
(Wilson was a football with a face painted on it for anyone who hasn't see it.)
Today seems to be the start of another crappy year so I may burn January in advance seems a shame because I splashed out on a Kelly Brooke calendar .
Got up to an unwell looking dog she didn't eat her food which is unlike her but she seemed keen to go out , the reason was soon clear as she threw up then s&@t straight away .
Partner has been in agony for over a week with her knew so I said let's go to a&e , she was seen and x rayed after a couple of hours and told she has very little cartilage left on her knee which I'm sure you know isn't good .
Got home to a worried looking pair of dogs , she had soiled the rug in a big way , straight in the dustbin with the lot , it's not her fault so no moaning about it .
At least 5 people asked where she was when I took the other one out and why have people switched from saying " are you ready for Christmas " to "did you have a nice Christmas " one more asks me how Christmas was and I'll be hiding in a bush with a sniper rifle , it may seem harsh but it's the only way they will learn :D I'm not a morning person , or afternoon , evening or night .
It seems life is trying to crush my spirit and squeeze the laughter out of me but when it does I have a secret weapon in my head , I say two words to make me smile " four candles :roflmao:"
Today seems to be the start of another crappy year so I may burn January in advance seems a shame because I splashed out on a Kelly Brooke calendar .
"
Hold your horses, old chap! The "Ancients" didn't celebrate the "New Year" until the Vernal Equinox. And judging by the loons running the world today, I have more faith in the old-timers :lac:
So fish that Kelly Brook calendar out of the rubbish and hang those mangos back up :wacko:
Maybe you should get a Donald Trump calendar to complement the KB effort?
Or a Say No To Brexit calendar which will only go up to the end of March?
Hi , no idea what a " vernal equinox " is but I'm happy to give that a try , is like a colonic irrigation?
I wouldn't really burn Kelly and as for a Donald Trump calendar it might clash with my Donald Trump dart board and toilet paper :D
Back to the hospital this morning , the fun never stops , boo hoo .
"Colonic irri...."? Don't be so preposterous! :lac:
The Ancients would dance naked to drum beats around Stonehenge and perform obscene rituals... Umm...anyway....
Hope all went to plan today, old boy? :whistles:
Oooo Errr...Taxi for Buster to Stonehenge.
We will require pictures:shades:
Have you been outside today it's freezing , youd need a magnifying glass to go with those photos :roflmao:
Today was as trying as ever , partner is on crutches for six weeks then see if any improvement and discuss what treatment is needed , let's face it joints don't get better with age as I know too well , thanks for asking kk .
Oh and that shite of a roofer won't fix the roof he's just fitted and leaks and we had another roofer look today and he guessed who'd done it because he's following him round putting right is f**k ups , so we've got to go to small claims court to try and get the money back , hate to say it but my daughter is showing signs of anxiety and OCD , it's a bloody stressful world we live in .
Toodle pip .:hugs:
Crikey Buster, I really do wish somebody would cut you some slack. The stress of a small claims court is just what you need right now mate. No doubt that's what that w****r of a roofer is counting on. It really does get right up my nose when rubbish builders take good money off good people for a third rate bodge-up. In all honesty if I didn't have so much on my plate I'd take a look myself, notwithstanding anxiety and being a carer for Mrs F :mad:
Cheers fish , I now know more about roofing than the bloody roofer did , he's still trying to worm his way out of it but today a really good roofer came and went through everything in detail with me he even took close up photos of all the f**k up and offered to let me go up with him on the roof ( anxiety declined that offer on my behalf ) weve sent him the quotes and photos and I guess he now knows he hasn't got a chance in court but my fear is he closes the business and starts again under a different name , karma will get him sooner or later .
Today I found out why women moan about us leaving toilet seats up , I went in the toilet with my head full of roofing and a million other problems , sat down and shock horror the seat was up , I was surprised how far I went down the pan and how cold it was ,there was almost a splash :D so Ive learnt a valuable lesson that I will have forgotten by morning, they say you learn something new every day , unfortunately there isn't enough room in your head to remember it all , I could make room by forgetting my home phone number from the 1970s probably won't need that now or maybe my dad's car registration from the 80s .
Take care anyone who's still reading my junk or if no one is reading this then just ignore this bit .:D
Still reading:yesyes:
Actually I've done that....sat down before I checked OH had put the seat back down. It's a hell of a drop:roflmao:
I'm still reading too, but I am hoping for some good news Buster. :shrug:
If I get any good news these days I go into a panic thinking something will have to go wrong to balance it out , no news that's good news .
Feeling the loneliest Ive felt in a very long time , mum ill, dogs ill, partners not well and fell out with me , and Ive just watched i Daniel Blake and cried .
The silver lining of today if you can call it that was I went into town and got a tap on the shoulder ( not a copper I hadn't been shop lifting ) it was an old mate I haven't seen since I went mental , we used to go out every weekend and get smashed , we havent seen each other for nearly 8 years and it was like I'd not seen him since yesterday we stood laughing and joking in the street , joking about things we'd done in the past , I don't see many of my mates now and a few have passed away , just for those 15 or 20 mins I felt normal probably because I didn't know it was going to happen , and the icing on the cake he looked bloody old , I didn't tell him though .
Got to stay up with the dog tonight she got the squits.:ohmy:
I meant to warn you about that film Buster.
Watched it when it came out. Real gut wrench stuff!
Superb acting but to real for the likes of people like us.
Feel for you my friend with your heavy load. :hugs:
Well partner has decided she doesn't want to be with me she'd rather live alone now , she won't even be in the same room , I'll be honest it's not the best start to a year Ive had , I'm not putting this on her it's both of us , all the problems we've had over several years have turned us in to different people and not for the better .
I'm feeling pretty much as low as I can but not wanting to depress you lot into throwing yourselves off the nearest bridge I'll tell you about my morning instead , feeling a bit crap and fancying a drive out I went to what is probably the roughest part of Notts , there is a kind of flea market in a pub car park , it's not somwhere most normal people would choose to go , I headed to a stall that sells hifi gear , Reggae music was blasting out , then heading straight at me was a Rasta man with dreadlocks ,grey beard , can of tennents super in hand and strangest of all a giant Mexican sombrero ( it was sunny but freezing cold and early morning ) he dances up to me and put out his fist for a fist bump , I oblige and we both smile and he carries on dancing , I'll point out that ( not in a racist way ) I'm white middle aged and normally shake hands as a greeting so just a quick tip don't try and shake a fist bump it goes embarrassing really quickly and ends up like Rock Paper Scissors :doh: .
Funny that I didn't feel nervous being there considering there are stabbings and shootings there most weeks ,yet I won't go for a much needed eye test because of the trapped feeling . No rhyme or bloody reason .
If you want to make Gad laugh tell it your plans .
Take care oddballs :hugs:
Buster, your partner had said that before. Women sometimes say stuff like that when they are frustrated. :hugs:
Loving the vision of you fist bumping the Reggie guy :D
Buster, my partner had said that before. Women sometimes say stuff like that when they are frustrated. :hugs:
Carnation, I'd never do anything to intentionally upset or hurt her but I know I do I'm so up and down , the other way round if I've upset her she will make sure I'm seriously upset until her mood has passed , I can take the arguments but the silent treatment drives me insane , my mum is getting worse by the week so I could do without the other problems .
Ellen my encounter with the Rasta was quite bizarre, I did walk away thinking I am awake right ? I haven't slept much lately ( for about 8 years ) , it's quite a place and most people there are stoned by 9 am , I'm a bit of a nut magnet , no offence to the present company .:D
I think you should challenge her manipulative behaviour, Buster. Don't make excuses for her-she knows what she is doing. You don't need this on top of your own worries.
I think you should challenge her manipulative behaviour, Buster. Don't make excuses for her-she knows what she is doing. You don't need this on top of your own worries.
I agree. She obviously uses the 'silent treatment' because she knows it drives you insane. She has her share of problems, I know, but so do you, and it's very unfair.
Urge her to tell you if she's angry or upset - even if it causes an argument.
I don't need to ask if she's upset or angry it's very obvious, her body language changes entirely, she looks and acts like a completely different person , if I ask what the problem is I get a one word answer , there is no reasoning with her and an argument quickly escalates into a volatile situation.
Been trying to track down this roofer that's ripped us off but it's becoming clear he's set up a ltd company to rip off as many people as possible then close and disappear, his business address is no more than a rented cupboard and it's been impossible to find his home address, I feel gutted that I can't protect my family from scum like him , in three years we've had a vets rip us off and solicitor take four grand then pack up and sell the business ok he's barred for three years but he took so much money he won't care and now the roofer , I'm starting to lose my faith in humanity, I feel like a pressure cooker waiting to explode
, money is the route of all evil .
My anxiety isn't that bad right now I just feel deflated by life .
My glimmer today was taking the kids to school and spending time with my grandson , he makes me laugh , he only wears super hero costumes, today was captain America , last week Spider-Man , before that was hulk and batman , he's only at nursery so it's ok but my daughter can't get him to leave the house in normal clothes , maybe we should all take a leaf out his book it would be more fun , I'd go mr methane or Wonder Woman :roflmao:
I appreciate the replies as always :bighug1:
Been trying to track down this roofer that's ripped us off but it's becoming clear he's set up a ltd company to rip off as many people as possible then close and disappear, his business address is no more than a rented cupboard and it's been impossible to find his home address, I feel gutted that I can't protect my family from scum like him , in three years we've had a vets rip us off and solicitor take four grand then pack up and sell the business ok he's barred for three years but he took so much money he won't care and now the roofer
And that's why she's in a mood Buster..........
However, she can do her bit too and support you as you are going through a difficult time with your mum.
:hugs:
With all the crap going on, it's probably tipped her over..but she shouldn't take it out on you. You're trying to hold it together as well. I hate the silent treatment. My other half is prone to the sulks :mad:
How's your dog Buster. Any better?
I don't need to ask if she's upset or angry it's very obvious, her body language changes entirely, she looks and acts like a completely different person , if I ask what the problem is I get a one word answer , there is no reasoning with her and an argument quickly escalates into a volatile situation.
:
Of course I understand that you don't want to make a bad situation worse and spiral out of control. You've said many times how easy it can be to tip your partner over the edge. Naturally, you want to avoid that.
But I'm talking about small changes here. A big part of your anguish seems to be guilt caused by others. Being punished for the way your partner feels almost implies that you're a "man", so deal with it. Perhaps you believe this yourself to a large extent? But it's not a case of whether you can "deal" with it but whether you should have to.
If of course you believe you should suffer your own plus your partner's anguish is your choice, Buster. But I wonder whether she would (or could) carry your burden on top of her own?
Darksky the pooch got better as soon as the vets appointment was booked almost as if she knew, he tried to get us to have a lump removed even though he said no pressure he still tried to guilt trip us into having surgery saying if she was his dog he'd do it and if we leave it a couple of years it might be too late to remove it , my view is he can f@@k right off with his scalpel, I pointed out she's 12 1/2 it's not bothering her and several vets have said it's a cyst, it's taken 5 years to grow to less than a golf ball , she happy healthy so no thanks .
So back to my wonderful life , yes kk I feel massive guilt over not being able to protect and look after my lot , I feel great shame in not being able to fix everyone's problems , I probably always will until it drives me into an early grave , can any of us really help who we are ? I do wonder .
Yesterday while at my mums her brother rang saying he wasn't going round as he wasn't well , I have lots of uncles and aunts but he's the only one who visits mum and I see him a lot , today more stressing over the w@@ker sorry roofer he says he'll sort it but time will tell maybe karma will sort him eventually. Then got a call from my bro to say my uncle had been found by his neighbour very unwell , turned out he'd had a heart attack , I'm going to see him tomorrow, it did put the roof problem in perspective, we're not telling my mum it would be too upsetting.
Anyway you know I hate ending on a downer so this morning at 5.30 I was driving through the city , dark , cold and raining , I stopped at a red light , no other traffic or people around and I kid you not a hedge hog crossed the road , I don't think it could have pressed the button , wished I'd taken a photo . It did make me think of the joke why did the hedge hog cross the road ? To see his flat mate :D weird little things like that do make me chuckle.
So tomorrow off to the hospital alone no idea where I'm going only been there once , now QMC I have my own parking space reserved and key to the door I'm there that often .
Bye for now :hugs:
Wow, hedgehogs are getting fewer and fewer in numbers. Cool to see one trundling across the road.
I reckon if several vets have said it's a benign cyst then leave well enough alone. At 12 1/2 she's a bit old to be going through the anaesthetic, let alone the op.
How's things with you anyway?
I agree with Darksky about the dog Buster.
I've seen a hedgehog in our garden, but only the once. I think they are very shy, except for Busters. :D
Being right in the city centre I thought it was a fat rat , close up hedgehogs are such a funny looking creature .
So we all agree my dog doesn't go under the knife for what is basically a cosmetic issue , it would be like a boob lift on a 90 year old , not really worth it :D , having such a horrific time with vets when we lost our last dog taught us a lot , the main thing being vets don't always know best, she's been with us since she was 8 weeks old after being dumped , we know when she's not well and we'll also know when her time is up (just got tearful writing that line ) .
Ive been ok today Darksky, infact better than ok , Ive been trying some different cbd oils so it could be that or maybe the stars were aligned , who knows , anyway today I just felt at ease and dealt with problems without overthinking them , the bad roofer has sent another roofing firm to try and put right his mess , partner rang me to say they'd turned up so I came home to talk to them and discuss what they were getting paid to do , I'm now a leading expert on roofing well I at least know what I'm taking about so they can't bullshit me , I dealt with them three times through the day and didn't once feel like running off and wetting myself , I also had two conversations with the bad roofer and took no crap from him everything he tried to bullshit me with I had the answer to a point he admitted he'd rush the job and messed it up , he also kept apologising which was a shock .
Not sure why God let me have my testicles back today but it felt good so I did a little victory dance in the shower ( not a pretty image ) tomorrow I'll do everything the same to recreate the can do feeling , I may fail or I may sort out a brexit deal .
My problems are all real but feeling able to deal with them every now and then is a good feeling , I know you ladees have your share of family issues right now , I'll send you some of that strength I felt today , use it wisely :hugs:
Crikey it looks like you and the rubbish roofer have swapped identities Buster, he's actually admitting his mistakes? You've done a real number on him, well done mate.
As for hedgehogs, I can't remember the last time we had one in our garden despite having a huge slug and snail population for them to feed on. Their numbers have nosedived nationally, figures show a 50% decline since the turn of the century. It's very worrying.
Just woke up at gone two o'clock , had this really vivid dream that I was at my mums old house and she walked in looking well and young , she said she just woke up and she'd got better , she was standing upright which she can't do now and she hugged me and the grandkids , I felt this massive relief and happiness, then I woke and the reality hit me that she's only getting worse , we still haven't told her my uncle is in hospital waiting for surgery and she's constantly asking how he is because he hasn't been round .
Partner spent most of the day in tears and asked why I'm not showing I'm upset about our relationship and why I'm not crying , I feel numb most of he time like if I start to think about how bad life is I'll crack up .
I think this is why Ive felt less anxous and able to deal with people because I don't feel much at all , I don't want to be anxous but I don't want to feel nothing at all , I'm already losing my senses , I can't smell or taste , my hearing is damaged , tinnitus ,my eyesight is terrible , will I just stop being all together soon , I want to live and feel alive .although being able to sleep right now would be a start .:hugs:
SnowyGreen
16-01-19, 04:04
Have you ever read a book called At Last a Life by Paul David? If not I can't recommend it highly enough for those with anxiety.
MyNameIsTerry
16-01-19, 04:38
How's your uncle doing, Buster? Sorry to hear he had a heart attack :hugs: I hope he's back on the mend soon.
I used to see the occasional hedgehog with being a night walker for years. We saw the first one in our garden for many years not long ago. You can log the hedgehog citing on the big hedgehog map if you feel like it. They are funny creatures, cute.
If you can't track a roofer down via the old methods, look to social media. You would be surprised how people leave so many track marks across the net without realising. :winks:
I agree about your dog. If it's not needed and there is risk what is the point in unnecessary surgery? As long as it doesn't bother her that's all that should matter with something benign. Our dog was born with a cyst so they removed it at the same time they removed two other articles (much to his displeasure :ohmy:) but it seems a bit pointless in an old dog. Ours gets little lumps from time to time that stay for ages and our vet has always said they are follicles.
Oh, bless you Buster, what a lovely dream. It made me a bit weepy reading it, thinking about my mum when she was young, compared to now. Getting old is shite.
My other half closes up when stuff happens, totally shuts down and I can't get through. So you're not alone in your reactions. Although he's a lucky bugger because he doesn't have anxiety complicating his feelings.
This is just another crap time you will come through and come through it you will. Think of those flashes and glimmers of light we talked about. Nature, the small things? They are there still.
I love reading your posts so keep on posting. Even if you can't think of a funny note to end on( and I know you like to) it doesn't matter. Just keep offloading, you are never without friends here that totally get you.
If you want to feel alive...have you been following Carnations post....we are trying to get you into a freezing cold shower. For the purposes of science of course:roflmao:
Buster, having dreams like that is perfectly normal. Hey, you're normal! :)
Seriously, your mum is obviously on your conscious and when you have dreams like that, it's almost a comfort to your mind, because in reality it feels so grim.
Mr C had a dream a couple of nights ago about his mum and she was younger and flying through the sky. The way he described it sounded beautiful and he said he felt better after having the dream. :hugs:
Thanks for the comments I appreciate them you have been a great help throughout the time I've been on here , it makes you feel not so alone .
Got up to partner in tears again , she said she can't be with me anymore and was leaving with the dogs to stay with an aunt , I didn't want her going but the only other option was me to go , I'm going to stay in my van , just watched the sun go down it was very beautiful given its rained all day ,I think it put on a show just for me .
Think I'll take a walk now , catch you later .:hugs:
That's a lovely dream to have Buster but the waking is cruel, it's clear what our subconscious is wishing for as Carnation said. I really do feel for you mate, what with everything you have going on. Have you told your partner about how you feel? Communication is crucial, though not crying doesn't mean you don't care. Can you both put aside a little time for yourselves? Maybe watch a film together, cuddle on the sofa etc. Though I'm hardly a relationship expert :unsure:
---------- Post added at 16:27 ---------- Previous post was at 16:24 ----------
Oh bloody hell, didn't see that post. Crikey I'm really sorry Buster. Is there no way back for you both? Damn.
Buster, why????? If she does this to you now, then, well my words would foul your partner.
We are all fighting demons, your partner isn't the only one. I know you want her to stay, despite everything, let's hope it's just a threat. Being alone is not nice even with the piece and quiet.
Please don't stay in your van, the temperature is dropping and you need your comforts. :hugs:
God Buster I can't bear to think of you living in a van. Where's it parked up? Will you be able to have access to cooking and washing?
Do you think she'll be able to cope without you. The roof, dog etc. She may well realise that life without you isn't quite as easy as she thinks now. I really hope you get through this....together.
Take care:bighug1:
Buster I am so sorry to hear how bad things are getting with your OH.
Let her move out, there is no way you should be living in your van.
It is harsh and horrible but you cannot be responsible for her mental health, especially when she doesnt seem to appreciate that you yourself are fragile.
I love your outlook on life, your OH is missing out on a lot.
I'd say let her move out too. She doesn't treat you well. Don't allow yourself to be a victim because you are not. She'll be very surprised if you don't stop her going.
I love your outlook on life, your OH is missing out on a lot.This is totally true, I reckon your sense of humour keeps her afloat buddy.
Well it's a lot bloody colder than I thought it would be , I can't sleep for the cold , I really don't know where to go from here Ive truly got not nothing just a sleeping bag in a van .
I feel too old to be starting over again , just a sad old man parked up down a lane in a sad old van .
I'm not putting all this on her I'm not an easy person to live with , she wants me to change but I keep saying we both need to change I can't be nice to her when she's talking to me like crap , life has just crushed us into different people .
Right need my gloves back on my fingers have frozen , can't wait for the sun to come up , I need to think about somewhere warmer for tonight .
Thanks :hugs:
Once she's gone to stay with her aunt today you can move back in. You both may well benefit from some time away from each other? Don't let yourself be treated like crap -you probably feel you deserve to be treated like this by her but this is your depression talking.
Buster, please don't sleep in the van.
Whatever the problem or scenario, you can't be sleeping outside in these weather conditions. How can she let you do that? Why can't you just be in another room?
Another thing, 'the dogs', they mean the world to you, they keep you going, don't let her take them, its not right to take them away from you and their home.
If she wants to leave or have a break, let her, as Pulisa says.
I really feel for you :hugs:
I agree. Go back home and set up in a separate room if necessary. At least you will be warm and have access to washing and cooking. Also you will have your dogs.
If the relationship is gone for good you have to think of practicalities. She has somewhere to go...her aunts...you have nowhere. Surely she cannot be happy that you're living out if your van.
MyNameIsTerry
17-01-19, 14:06
I agreed with the above. She has somewhere to go. You and the dogs should get to remain where you are.
At least get yourself wrapped up in as many blankets and towels as you can.
Well last night was a nightmare , I chose the coldest night this year to camp out , first place I camped up turned out to be a teenage boy racer meet up place ( why do teens shout so much ) moved to a quiet lane and Christ it got cold , I went for long walk after watching the sun go down and I had some very dark thoughts about it being the last sunset I'd be seeing , laying in the van in my makeshift bed with no heating in below zero thought I can't get any lower Ive hit rock bottom , an hour later I turned over and my bed collapsed turned out I could go lower . 6 o'clock and I couldn't take the cold anymore so I thought go for a drive to get warm , the van doors had frozen shut and the windows had frost on the inside.
The rest of my day wasn't so bad , took my van for an mot ( we all hate them right ) it passed first time I could have kissed the mot tester ( I hadn't shaved or washed so didn't think he'd appreciate it ) ,went to see my mother and she actually got up by herself and walked which she hasn't been doing , got a text from uncle asking to pick him up from hospital which Ive done this evening he's had a stent fitted and needs another but he's alive and now home , I also tidied up my lockup and weighed in the scrap which paid for the mot , not sure what me and partner are going to do but I'm going back home , we definitely need some time apart but not that way , it wasn't all good the cold didn't do my asthma any good so I've had to use my blue easystart puffer a few times today which sent me into a total panic in Asda , why is it when you start to panic in a supermarket everyone seems to go in slow motion and won't bloody let you get out .
So in all could be worse .
I'll have to decline the cold shower thing for now as I had pretty much a nine hour one last night , I really did think I was going to freeze , my eyeballs felt cold not to mention the other two that disappeared.
Got through it , the sun did rise and set again .
Take care all . Thanks :hugs:
In the name of the Wee Blighter! Get back to your home and pets, Buster, and pack your masochistic antics in forthwith. Any lower and you'll be six ft under! :lac:
I trust you will resolve things. I don't get impression partner will last long without you and maybe some time apart will make her see sense. But it's your home too and if she's not happy, she should be the one to leave, not you.
So glad to hear you're going home. It's supposed to be even colder tonight...-5 round here.
Whatever happens with your partner, you cannot cure it by making yourself ill. Great news that your uncles home and your mum is more mobile. i know too well the worry that elderly relatives bring, it hits you deep in the stomach.
Glad to see snippets of humour too Buster, even after freezing your ar@e off all night you can still make me smile.
Hope tonight is 100 times better than last. Keep warm. :hugs:
Pleased to hear you are getting your butt back home in a warmer place Buster.
Remarkably, you even had some positives today. :hugs:
Buster, please look after yourself mate. I really do wish your partner would appreciate that she could do a hell of a lot worse than you. But with this weather as cold as it is, outside in a van is no place to be. Take good care buddy, a blokey hug for ya :hugs:
I know it probably seems im a sucker for punishment, who knows why we do the things we do maybe that path is set out and the choices we think we make are already made for us , anyway im back home , got in bed alone last night and couldn't keep my eyes open after the night before , I nodded off and had a lovely dream I was standing on a river bank with a can of beer in hand looking at the scenery, I was rudely awoken by a very cold feeling on my side , I'd fallen asleep with a glass of water in hand and it was now pouring out ( this is not a story about adult bed wetting , well technically it is ) so I ended up sleeping on a towel , God really is mad at me possibly because I said he was a cock , so this morning I told my sorry tale to my granddaughter on the way to school , she said " that's nothing the other night I dreamt someone was tickling me and a bit of wee came out " I just p**sed myself , not literally, the day she stops making me laugh is the day I'm really in trouble .
Today wasn't easy the stress of the previous days has left me exhausted but I carried on regardless and didn't let it change my plans .
In the bathroom tonight I saw an old tired man looking at me through the window , I stuck my tongue out at him and he did it back so I stuck two fingers up and he did the same , I laughed turned away and I'm pretty sure he did the same , I guess he'll be back there tomorrow perhaps he wont look so tired .
You would say if I was acting odd right ? You're always the last to know when you've lost the plot.:roflmao:
Take care .
I don't think asking us lot on here whether you've lost the plot is necessarily the way forward. It's s bit, pot calling kettle black :roflmao:
Just wondering how you are today Buster?, did you get some good sleep and looking after yourself...
A lot of people are reading your posts, and even if we don't always message we do care what happens to you :).
Hope you are doing ok :D
Thanks for asking , today was an unusual day but mine usually are ,it's was a better day and by now you guys know I have bad days but I get back up .
So today was supposed to be a day of rest with no stressing , partner is in a lot of pain so up and down .
Today I picked up a 92 year old woman and got a hug from a lesbian, both firsts for me , I will elaborate if you have no paint to watch drying , next door neighbour is 92 and house bound , she has carer's come each day , we heard her panic alarm going and could hear voices we went round and found her on the floor , she'd fell off her walking frame and couldn't get up , the paramedics were on the panic phone thingy and said they'd be a long time , so I asked if she had pain or felt she'd done any damage and she said no and kept apologising, I said there is no age limit on falling over and if she was ok with it I'd pick her up and take her into the other room to her bed , so we did and all went well , she was embarrassed but thankful.
Later I saw my cousin and husband I the supermarket he said he'd lost his dad this week , we had a chat and a laugh and I went home , I get home and park outside a neighbour's, parking is tight to say the least , two lesbian neighbour's come out and I think they are going to ask me to move , they ask can I help them , it's not about parking their dog died last night and they asked me if I help put it in a car to take it to be cremated , I said yes of course and even though I dont really know them seeing them crying and kissing the dog good bye was heart breaking having lost mine a couple of years ago , so the pooch was put in the car for his last journey and she gave me a hug , I said I'd got to go before I started blubbing but too late , I shot in the house gave my dogs some fuss and dried my tears .
Thing is it might sound a shite day but helping someone in need when there is sod all in it for you is a good feeling , anxiety can make you extremely selfish , for those looking for a reason in life which I have many times just helping someone else can be reason enough .
And God if you exist and are reading this are we quits yet ? Is it coincidence god is dog backwards umm I think not .:hugs:
So partner didn't leave then? :shrug:
How was she expecting to and look after two dogs if she is in a lot of pain? Was it all to just get you out of the house? I remember similar behaviour before, it seems to be a regular pattern.
The main thing is you are back in the house again Buster. Whether you are difficult to live with or not, you really can't be sleeping in a van in minus weather conditions.
IMO, she is probably sick to death of the so called jobs on the house and she was making a stand.
Not saying it is your fault, but she has to blame someone. And it only needs a few more spoils in the day to tip someone over the edge, if they are already not stable.
We know you have a heart of gold Buster, but sometimes you have to apply that to yourself. Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.
Like a therapist would say, imagine you are a mother to yourself, what would you say or do?
It was very kind of you to look after that lady and dog. :)
Can't tell you how much I agree with that sentiment. Anxiety is totally selfish, however if there is one silver lining to having it, is that I have become a much more compassionate person. Particularly with people who are ill. And yes, it does give you a warm glow when you help someone. I'm retiring soon, possibly this year and I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm going to do some volunteering. Maybe with old people or with animals.
So yes, I would say you had a very good day Buster.
Is that your dog you lost? He looks a cheeky chappy :)
Hello I am not sure if this is in the right place but this is my day ,every day I get up at 5am upset tummy very light headed as if I am walking on a rubber bouncy mat all day,what concerns me is that if I sit down to watch TV i just nod off,to day I went down Tescos floated around there ,I have been like this on and off for 30 years,it seems that I am fighting to do the normal things in life,to my lovely dog up the field still very light headed,the only place I feel comfortable is in bed sickness disappears and of course because I am not walking I am fine,this is not a negative post its just that it helps to tell someone because to the rest of the world I look and appear fine,this has been since December .anyway everyone have a good day and thank you for reading my post:)
Nothing wrong with blubbing Buster, us blokes are told to 'man up' and not show our feelings but I always think it will come out in another way, depression/anxiety/anger etc. Having lived nearly my whole life with dogs, I know just how they capture our hearts so your reaction was entirely natural. I would think life owes you a break sometime soon mate.
Hi Aquilegia, sorry you're struggling. Is that DP you're getting?
Hi all , carnation it's weird that we take out our frustrations on the ones closest to us even if it had nothing to do with them ,pretty much all couple she are guilty of that .
Darksky that's my youngest dog she's 2 1/2 , Ive got another that's 12 1/2 but the one I lost was my once in a lifetime dog , I can't see myself ever being without dogs but after my old one passed away laying with me I said I couldn't go through it again but you soon realise there are so many miss treated animals out there you end up with another, Aquilega you day sounds like a lot Ive had and the only thing that kept me getting up and out was my dogs , no matter have shite you feel they need walking so you go out , it's a good thing for both of you , staying in bed helps no one keep on keeping on and you are more than welcome to post on this thread :)
Fish I grew up with a grandad that would have beat the shite out of my dad if he cried , my dad wasn't a beater but would never show weakness like that , are we getting softer as generations go by ? Maybe blubbing is the new manning up .
Spent most of the day with my daughter and grandkids round which was great but tiring, bought a big amp and speakers yesterday and rigged it up to the sky box we blasted out a few tracks , can't say the kids ones were the best choices but we laughed and sang along .
Just been out side to sell an electric bike to a chap that didn't speak English in the dark and fog , now that was fun , strangely I didn't feel anxous dealing with him , I give up trying to work out anxiety , just let it get on with it .
Take care :hugs:
So she's not leaving you Buster? :shrug:
Don't mean to pry, but you seemed pretty cut up about the situation a couple of days ago, so much that you slept outside.
I would have to say whatever the problem in my household, I would not let my o/h sleep in his car in severe weather conditions no matter how angry I might be. Apart from that, he wouldn't do it anyway. :huh:
The main thing is you had the sense to go home rather than put your health at risk.
Have to agree with Carnation, Buster. We were genuinely concerned for your wellbeing and safety. Feeling like you'd been thrown out of your own home and left to sleep in subzero temperatures in a van...
I know there is avoidance - it's a big player in depression/anxiety - but if you don't address what is clearly a major problem in your relationship, it will just happen again.
We are here to support you.
MyNameIsTerry
20-01-19, 23:59
Watch out for these old ladies, Buster, they know what tricks are in their arsenal to temp young men into their beds :winks::biggrin:
Just further evidence of what a great bloke you are. :yesyes:
Have to agree with Carnation, Buster. We were genuinely concerned for your wellbeing and safety. Feeling like you'd been thrown out of your own home and left to sleep in subzero temperatures in a van...
I know there is avoidance - it's a big player in depression/anxiety - but if you don't address what is clearly a major problem in your relationship, it will just happen again.
We are here to support you.
Remember that you had to take her to A&E because she was in so much pain....and now she's threatening to leave with the dogs? But she didn't of course..
As KK says, this will happen again and again unless you stand up to her. You will get our support on here.
Terry, that made me laugh first time in ages:D (Thankyou), i actually could picture two women scheming to lure Buster over to theirs for hanky panky :roflmao:.....wonder what they will come up with next time ,lol...
Slips in and gives buster a hug and another. It will get better.
She's a lovely dog Buster. Are all your dogs staffies? It annoys me that they get such a bad rap because I've met loads and I've never met a nasty one, they have such big grins. As with all breeds it's the bad owners. They think a bull breed makes them look tough. We passed a couple of yobs the other day and their dog was barking and lurching at our two. They thought it was really funny. They didn't look tough they looked like t@ts.
Thanks guys , only on a site like this would people be concerned about a stranger they have never seen or met , it's the sort of gesture that restores your belief in people .
No carnation she hasn't left , the situation isn't great and I know I should stand up for myself and not just go to keep the peace , the problem is things get out of hand very quickly if I don't take myself out of the equation, you know she has taken overdoses several times and does hit the self destruct button when things get bad , I can't stay and be responsible for making it worse , I don't want her to come to any harm I would rather it was me .
Just to clarify Terrence the old woman next door may have thrown herself to the floor to get me round , unlikely due to me having a face like a bag of spanners and a body mr blobby would be ashamed of ( ok that might be a slight exaggeration) but the other two women wouldn't be interested if I were the last man on earth not because of my looks just my gender :D some of these old widows I go to see to buy their departed husbands man toys from do seem to try and feed me into staying longer , more than once Ive felt I may end up drugged and chained up in a cellar, unfortunately it hasn't happened yet .:D
Darksky yes my dogs have all been staffies, they are the first ones to be put to sleep at dog shelters because they are over bred then dumped , they one of the best dogs you could get , they are extremely affectionate any eye contact and they won't leave you all day ( got one stuck to my leg now trying to keep warm ) they're also very protective, short fur so no clipping, small enough to pick up , and usually free apart from running costs, we always have them spayed to stop extra breeding , what's not to like .
Well it seems im the go to guy for help with the dear departed, had call today from a mate who mother inlaw had passed away , he wants me to help clear her house , when I turned up and believe me I didn't feel up to it she rang and said to her hubby just give him everything for free , Ive been there not wanting to deal with a parents belongings so just give everything away , Ive said I'll help clear it and sell what I can , having a conscience is going to keep me poor until the day I drop off my perch , still its character building and I can't afford to buy my stairway to hell .
Yo all take care .:hugs: and stop worrying about me worry about where Matt and big boy disappeared to maybe they visited an old lady :noangel:
MyNameIsTerry
22-01-19, 01:06
Terry, that made me laugh first time in ages:D (Thankyou), i actually could picture two women scheming to lure Buster over to theirs for hanky panky :roflmao:.....wonder what they will come up with next time ,lol...
Glad to give you a laugh. It did remind me of this sketch...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KioAhTxgkwU
Putting "The Randy Grannies" into Google didn't bring back the results I was searching for (honest :whistles:) until I put Harry Enfield on the end :blush::roflmao:
---------- Post added at 01:06 ---------- Previous post was at 01:03 ----------
Just to clarify Terrence the old woman next door may have thrown herself to the floor to get me round , unlikely due to me having a face like a bag of spanners and a body mr blobby would be ashamed of ( ok that might be a slight exaggeration) but the other two women wouldn't be interested if I were the last man on earth not because of my looks just my gender :D some of these old widows I go to see to buy their departed husbands man toys from do seem to try and feed me into staying longer , more than once Ive felt I may end up drugged and chained up in a cellar, unfortunately it hasn't happened yet .:D
Spanners, a tool for untightening nuts..."oh young man". :roflmao:
I think you underestimate the power of a good sense of humour and a compassionate nature, Buster...I reckon you are well known to the ladies circle around there :winks::yesyes:
Like I said Buster, it's not the first time and it probably won't be the last. Taking that in to consideration and your health, maybe the sofa might be a much better option than sleeping in a van. I understand that you may have to take yourself off for a little while to clear the air, but it doesn't mean you have to sleep outside. Unless of course you are in the Balaeric Islands. Seriously though, members worry about you, so keep that in mind for next time Buster.
As for BB and Matt. Well I've noticed BB online reading posts, but Matt, that's a mystery. :shrug:
---------- Post added at 09:30 ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 ----------
And a thumbs up for Staffies! :yesyes:
In the right hands, they can be the most loving and loyal dogs. Speaking from experience and not tabloid papers.
I also used to work for an animal rescue centre and was on emergency duties, so I've seen a lot of stuff. That's why I can't do it any more, too upsetting. :(
---------- Post added at 10:29 ---------- Previous post was at 09:30 ----------
I was just reading over your words again Buster.
It comes across like this.....
If you don't do what she says, she might kill herself?
I.e. "Get out of the house otherwise I'll take an overdose!"
Is that basically the set up of your relationship?
This girl needs help and instead of so called experts guess judging you with her, why in God's name is she not having any help in the way of therapy or something else?
Her control appears to be incredibly massive over you Buster. You must be scared to even say the wrong thing.
Looking at it from her angle to, she's obviously struggling and crying for help.
I also remember you saying a while back that she reads all your posts on the forum. How does she feel when she reads stuff written about her. Could that be the reason for the fallouts?
Just tell me to go forthwith if I am prying too much, but I really can't help saying what has been on my mind, especially as being aware of your situation for a considerable amount of time Buster. x
That was hilarious Terry! :roflmao:
I think you've started something now with funny Videos for Buster and his 'escapades'...
if anything it will keep him and us all laughing & entertained..
I'm just wondering Buster...do you look anything like a young Lester Piggot? :roflmao:
I was laughing in bed at 5am at that, brilliant!
Well, Buster, I think YOU are the one who needs the support in this relationship because being manipulated with the threat of an overdose if she's challenged in any way is pretty awful behaviour, regardless of her history.
Carnation I do worry that she might be reading what I put , I would hope she doesnt as I don't read what she does on face book , she has a social work type woman to talk to and sees a psychiatrist but nhs metal health help is a joke they dont check on you after you come out hospital, this is the only place I have to vent , I can't talk to freinds or family and don't have any access to the mental health team , I probably shouldn't post my problems on here for all to see , what I post is always true but my version , there are always two sides , I don't think you are sticking your oar in i know by now you mean well .:hugs:
Terry ,Kathy Burke is hilarious in character and as herself oooohhh young man :D
Carmr , I'm definitely no Lester Piggot , 6'2 and 16 stone doesn't make well for a jockey I'm more jokey than jockey, I'd need a shire horse to drag me along and that combo ain't going to get very good odds , I'd describe myself as the missing Mitchel brother from Eastenders ( younger brother that is ) the sort of bloke you'd probably give a wide birth while walking your dog but once you get to know me you'd hide in the bushes to avoid me :roflmao: , that's not entirely true as I never seem to walk alone and when I'm really anxous I talk like in on crack cocaine , I walk off from other dog walkers thinking what the hell did i just tell them .
Anyway been a long day van broke down so Ive been under that and cleared that house . Catch you laters .
I understand Buster, the Forum is a good place to vent and I too are in a similar position where I can not speak to family or friends. I've met some lovely people on here that totally understand me.
I was only bringing up my thoughts to you, because you seem to be going around in circles with your partner.
And it is important that you look after yourself as well, as without good health you can't look after anybody.
And I take it that the two of you are unable to sit down and discuss things rationally?
Just think twice about kipping in the van Buster.
You may know already that as you get older, your body can't slum it. :huh:
Thanks carnation, Ive been thinking the last couple of days about what I post on here , People have been a real comfort taking time to reply when they have their own problems , I just think Ive been putting too much on about my relationship and it's not right because it is just my side , I don't think my partner does still read things I've put on here but it wouldn't be nice to read , there is a good side to her but life hasn't been kind , it is soul destroying being let down again and again , this is how she's ended up the way she is and ive let her down I don't cope well with her illness, the part of her I love is warm caring and bubbly, she hit the nail on the head saying the problem is she is ok being on her own and I'm not , I like being around people . So I'm going to try and not air my dirty boxers in public anymore I'll just bottle it up and bury it so deep down when they cremate me they'll find a diamond .
I also appreciate the ones that have pm'd me to say I can vent to them when things get bad but how selfish would that be to dump it on someone else , you are good good peeps .
Anyway still getting up and out , yesterday I was rudely awoken by screaming and banging at 5.30 , I looked out of the window to see a neighbour trying to head butt his way out of a police van , now that's a tough gig , I'm not that nuts .
Rest assured I won't be sleeping in the van again until it warms up , I still have my dream of selling the vw and getting a bigger camper to go on a road trip around the coast, can you imagine the bother I could get into ? :noangel: we can all dream but I will do it one day .
Take care .:hugs:
Respect that Buster :) will go with whatever you want. But keep us informed of your escapades and what you get up to. You're a funny guy and you definately have a talent for making us laugh.
I fancy a big Winnebago ( cos I have a spare 30 grand to spend :winks:) home from home, a new place every weekend. Not gonna happen but yeah it's nice to dream.
Buster I completely get that, feeling you have let your partner down. That said it's a fine line between venting to others on here who will empathise and rubbishing our other halves. As you say, there's two sides to every story and I feel that guilt too. I'm no angel and sometimes wish she'd come on here to say her piece, but then you and I would be having parallel public domestics. It's a tough one, do we just shut up? If we leave out the influence of our partners, can others here advise if they don't have the full facts? Take care buddy.
Ok so it's not been the best week but not the worst either , I remember when I saw the therapist and said my life is like a never ending rollercoaster, I don't want just a flat boring road just something in between .
Anyway I'll stick to not moaning about my life although I did spend most of the day convinced I was about to die of a heart attack , OR WORSE !!
So a chap I deal with regularly said somthing to me recently, I was jibbering on in my usaual style can't stop talking and saying some pretty weird stuff but both laughing , then he says " you do know you're actually talking out loud right now and not just thinking ? " it occurred to me that maybe I should have a padlock on my mouth and leave the key at home with a responsible adult , my partner also says I shouldnt be allowed to talk to people
So here are a few examples of why I should stay home away from the public .
Walking the dog I see a man in a bush picking blackberries so I shout " Hey those arent free , that's theft I'm calling the blackberry police " he looked at me very confused like he was going to put them back .
Next example , couple of weeks back a woman dog walker I see occasionally says she's just done a class on basket making , now I don't know why these words slip so easily from my giant gob but my reply was " that's great how long would it take to make me a wicker coffin ? " luckily she has spoken to me before so laughed .
Next example an I could go on for ever , I was talking to a woman post mistress , she said she was feeling down after a panic attack and had gone shopping to do some retail therapy, I said don't waste your money take up shoplifting I'm thinking of starting it myself , we agreed only big shops so no victims , while she turned to get a label I put three diaries off the counter in my pocket , when she'd finished serving me I gave them back and said we don't do small shops , we laughed and I went on my way , a couple of days later I went back in and she said " want a cake ? " and opened bag two cakes were inside , I took one and said thanks ( I'm a pig but have manners ) so then she's says " I stole it from the supermarket " what the feck I was only joking about shoplifting, she laughs and says" well I paid for one but put two in the bag " technically stealing and also receiving stolen goods but she seemed happier and we did laugh , maybe shoplifting could be a good way of burning off anxiety adrenaline.
I am a bad influence it said it on my school report and it's probably still true , I think maybe mum dropped me on my head as a baby :roflmao:
MyNameIsTerry
26-01-19, 01:17
I'm looking forward to the inspector asking you to provide the evidence in a little baggy :roflmao:
Well, seeing as the evidence has long gone into the sewage system I'm not making any plans to visit you in the cop shop just yet. :D
Really struggling at the moment, had a busy few days buying Joblot of electric bikes , they weighs ton and shifting them has been ultra hard work with a bad bad , asthma in the freezing cold and our old freind anxiety telling me constantly I'm going to drop dead , in between shifting twenty ebikes Ive had so many things to deal with at home , there is always somthing needs doing and somthing I've forgotten to do , there aren't enough hours in the day .
Today after walking the dogs and selling a few bikes ( that's fun when you dread dealing with people ) my van wouldn't start , after over an hour of messing about with it and lugging batteries out to jump start it I got it running , so Ive gone as far as I can with it so I go for another opinion at a garage , they were useless so I drive to a specialist and he diagnoses it without even getting out of his office chair which doesn't fill me with confidence, he's comes up with pretty much the most expensive part to fail and a job I can't do myself which would cost well over a grand assuming it is even that , I drove back feeling very low after the disastrous last year we've just got back on track money wise and this bill plus the money Ive just spent on bikes will pretty much skint me , I'll just be working to keep the old van on the road , I do love that van it's my escape from life but right now it's another mill stone around my neck dragging me under .
So partner decided to have the grandkids round for tea which I thought would be good to cheer me up , granddaughter wants me to help make a school project which I'm always happy to do , she has plenty of family but it always me she comes to and talks to , the problem this time is we have to build and display the project in the hall at school with half the bloody school ,this idea fills me with dread panicking in crowded rooms is my specialty and hiding it is hard work ,I don't want to let her down so I'm stuck with it .
I feel exhausted mentally and physically like I have nothing left to give , I can't sleep hence being on here at stupid o'clock and I keep feeling tearful about letting everyone down .
Why is it when life gets tough you get another spanner in the works to just test you a little futher .
I did have some laughs with the kids and took them to the park , if you saw a middle aged man who was far to big jumping on a wet trampoline with two kids that was me , you couldn't miss us as the weather was so shite no one else was on the park :D
Any of you guys rich enough to buy me a new camper van ? I'm not too fussy it just needs to run , have a heater and a box with biscuits in stashed under the front seat , oh and a good loud stereo.
If I don't turn up on here for a bit you know Ive completely lost it and ended up stripped naked running around Asda throwing cakes at people ( not a pretty sight but probably the only way to get mental health care in this country :roflmao:)
Anyway blah blah blah time to bang my head with a rubber mallet and try to get some sleep again , ta ta .
There is always something that's true. Just when your head gets above the water level, another bloody big wave comes along. That's crap news about your van, it's your life line. Would love to help but I've a 2500 sodding vets bill to pay. What we need is a lottery win, I do fantasize what I would buy if I won. It passes a brief ten minutes before the draw when I realise I haven't won ...again.
I'm sure you will do that school thing fine. Didn't you have you go to the school before, swore you were only going to the gates but went in regardless? The fact that above everyone else, she comes to you, will spur you on. It will be that anticipatory anxiety that grinds you down but when it actually happens you may find it not so bad. Keep ALL your attention on your granddaughter, focus on her and nothing else.
Of course you won't be able to go at all if you are under arrest for public nudity and breach of the peace in Asda. I was going to make a joke about sausages but I don't want to lower the tone:roflmao:
Buster, I'm not just saying this to gee you up, but I often think if I had even half the courage you do, my problems would be solved. You do all these things for different people while asking nothing in return and all the time you're carrying this monkey (more like gorilla), on your back.
And the kids always seem to gravitate towards you, that says they trust you and think you're the bees knees. I've probably said all this before somewhere but you deserve huge credit.
Thanks guys , just wish everything wasn't such bloody hard work thanks to that shitty little hitch hiker anxiety making me doubt my every move .
Ive always taken my granddaughter to school from day one at nursery, back then I was normal ish , ok I was never normal but didn't have anxiety , Ive took her to school when Ive been having a major panic attack , barely breathing and seeing stars but not wanting to let her down or look like an arse , that little bit of the old me is usually enough to push me through and not let it win , anxiety an do all it wants when I'm pushing up daisies but until then it can f**k right off .
Darksky don't get me started on vets bills , my old dog had his leg off and they said £700 then gave us a bill for nearly £3000 without a word of warning , he lived a couple of weeks because his cancer had spread and they didn't X-ray his lungs while doing his leg , we took it up with the Royal college of vets who investigated the vets and put a strike against them , we also put it in the local paper and rip into them at every opportunity, they even sent solicitors letters telling us to stop , they lied through their teeth and got found out on all the f**k ups with his care , if there weren't animals in that vets practice I'm pretty sure my partner would have burnt it down by now .
I'm sure things will get sorted out one way or another , things get on top of me one day but I put them in perspective the next and just tackle them the best I can , my mother isn't doing too well and my brother seems to be struggling living with her , guilt guilt guilt .
Fish your life is very similar to mine and you get through just like me , it's hard but we do it , if I could come up with a cure for anxiety I'd give it you guys for free , to everyone else £1 I'm not greedy , although if Donald Trump got it there wouldn't be enough money in the world for me to give him the cure :noangel:
Just remember nothing in life is permanent no matter how bad , except bad tattoos :roflmao:
Well it been a rollercoaster week as usual , just when I think I'm ok and can tackle the world anxiety pops its head up and whispers don't get cocky and knocks you back down a peg or two.
So I'll tell you about the other day and see if anyone can relate to it , I doubt any of our anxieties are unique.
I had to go to a chap I deal with to return a big battery that was faulty, as usual tensed up and shallow breathing all the way for no reason , I get there and put this big heavy battery pack on the workbench and start to explain the problem with it ( stick with me their is a point somwhere) for some reason while I'm explaining that the charging port is missing he sticks his thumb in the hole where said charging point should be , there is a loud bang and flash and he jumps backwards about 6feet shouting " what the f**k just happened " he's still holding out his thumb and I notice it's completely black , Ive already started to crumble but I say stick it in that puddle to cool it , he takes his finger out and although black it's not badly burned just sooty and a bit sore , by now I'm pissing myself uncontrollably ( not like in a nursing home ) just then his wife comes in to see if a young girl was being murdered , I explain about his injury which he wasn't happy about and I tell her I thought he was going to suck his thumb and cry , by now I can't even look at his thumb or her because the laughing is killing me , as we walk out I say these not so well chosen words " if it were me I'd still be sucking it ' ooh should have said that out loud " so now neither of us can stop laughing . His wife gets in her car and asks are my lights working to which he puts up a blackened thumb , im off again .:roflmao:
Now this is where it takes a weird turn , the uncontrollable laughing suddenly scares me and panic sets in like I can't breathe , I keep it hidden but inside I'm panicking and trying to stop laughing to stop the panic , how crazy is that ? I drove home in state of panic but also laughing every now and then . Has anyone ever laughed into a panic ?
Anyhoo with my fear of dying I guess laughing yourself to death is better than a piano falling on you , maybe there is something in monty pythons killing joke .:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
In a word yes. Also when I am really enjoying myself it can come on. I don't know whether it's extremes of emotion or what. I've been to rock concerts, having a rare old time and boom it's there. I can't explain any if this crap.:shrug:
I couldn't help chuckling at your story Buster, humour is vital I think, especially with this condition. Laugh yourself to panic? Sure, like Darksky says, extremes of emotion. Laughter, intense sadness, anger and indeed sexual arousal all cause adrenaline surges which can, when anxiety is so deeply ingrained and our bodies so sensitised, trigger panic.
MyNameIsTerry
10-02-19, 02:09
Sounds like a right numpty! If this guy was an electrician and you called him out saying you electrics had gone off he would stick his finger in the socket to check :doh::roflmao:
It's as fishman says, similar sensations & feelings. The subconscious looks to make associations to use or alert us to. Excitement can feel like it could tip over into a panic attack. Sex ramps up the BP & HR and we notice it and start to worry. A new feeling may seem odd and we start to worry.
I guess it's about retraining like everything else so we stop reacting negatively until the subconscious learns we don't need it and it gets mothballed.
I used to have a laugh and then worry it would tip over into panic because my breathing was under pressure. I would worry the strain of BP/HR increase in sex would tip over into panic. My anxiety wanted me to experience nothing, absolutely nothing, just in case it tipped over. It wanted me to sit in a room all day and never move. Eating was hard and even drinking water at one point (my worst).
I agree with all that Terry.
Just to add, I think sometimes we are frightened to be happy.
Although Buster, you may laugh and find something funny, but inside you may have been panicking that the guy could have dropped down dead with shock and that would have been the internal trigger.
Laughing can also mark embarrassment, awkwardness, nervousness and even sadness.
It was pointed out to me when seeing a therapist that I used to laugh when I was given a compliment, although that is quite a common trait. :wacko:
Yes, I knew it could be explained better than I did.
I don't like to feel extremes, it's bad for me I suppose, but I do tend to try and bury strong emotions. I call it, the self preservation society, ( just trying to think of the michael caine film it came from:shrug:) I feel if I let go too much, it will spike anxiety. So I do tend to hold my emotions in as best I can.
Instead of going around singing, the self preservation society, I should start singing Let it go, let it go...from Frozen
MyNameIsTerry
10-02-19, 16:08
Yes, I knew it could be explained better than I did.
I don't like to feel extremes, it's bad for me I suppose, but I do tend to try and bury strong emotions. I call it, the self preservation society, ( just trying to think of the michael caine film it came from:shrug:) I feel if I let go too much, it will spike anxiety. So I do tend to hold my emotions in as best I can.
Instead of going around singing, the self preservation society, I should start singing Let it go, let it go...from Frozen
The Italian Job at the end when they are hanging off the cliff. "Hold on lads, I've got an idea".
That's it...with the three minis! I knew it was something to do with bank robbery.
Anyway, that song is what I sing to myself as I get my mental shovel and dig a deep hole.
MyNameIsTerry
10-02-19, 18:04
Well, there's always the last 30 seconds or so of Rage Against The Machine's "Killing In The Name Of" but make sure you don't sing it out loud :winks:
Blimey I wasn't expecting so many explanations of why I laugh myself silly , but all very valid points , I didn't think about the adrenaline rush of laughing , it's like bringing the fun police with you everywhere you go , enjoying yourself ? STOP ! It may kill you instantly :D.
Terry he may be a crap electrician but if you've got a leak he'd be ideal to stick his big swollen thumb in the hole .
Back in the good old days before the mental mayhem I used to go to gigs and festivals wed stay up all night drinking and laughing our bloody socks off , If you fell asleep it was at your peril you could wake up seriously interfered with , I miss those days , I miss seeing bands for real not on you tube , Darksky I saw most of the big rock bands now I'd be worried about a rubber band ( it could have your eye out :D)
Carnation, I can definitely relate to being frightened to be happy Ive phoned home to check things are ok before because Ive had a bit of good luck and thought oh no something bad must happen to equal it out , and laughing can cause a bit of focus on you so you do feel a bit embarrassed, trigger trigger trigger .
So the answer seems to be hold every emotion in like a fart in a lift :D not a bloody chance if I'm going down I'm going down laughing not crying , the four hours of panic were well worth the fifteen minutes of laughing out loud or LOLING to anyone under thirty, LOFL :roflmao:
Felt rotten today so I guess it's one day on one off at the moment, it's twisting my mellon man , my anxiety is as stable as our weather .
Catch you later .:hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
11-02-19, 01:53
As long as it's just his thumb he sticks in your piping, Buster :ohmy::blush::roflmao:
Terry you really should have been in the Carry On films. You're not Sid James reincarnated are you?
MyNameIsTerry
12-02-19, 05:04
I was born the year before he died but it could always be a possession?
https://www.picclickimg.com/d/w1600/pict/221716057190_/Carrry-on-Camping-Sid-James-Bernard-Bresslaw-Poster.jpg
He was better looking though :blush::D
I was born the year before he died but it could always be a possession?
https://www.picclickimg.com/d/w1600/pict/221716057190_/Carrry-on-Camping-Sid-James-Bernard-Bresslaw-Poster.jpg
He was better looking though :blush::D
Old prune face was better looking ? Well Ive heard it said funny gets f,,,,,, :shades:
Right what's p***ed me off or made my day this week , well the old van as you know has been playing up , Ive been to see four so called experts , one diesel specialist who diagnosed a failing diesel pump which if bought new is £1200 plus labour , as he didn't even come out and see the van I wasn't sure even when I suggested electrical fault he laughed it off , so I go and see an auto electrician who said " bung it on eBay and buy another van " my reply was "that's not f**king happening " ( there's a chance I may swear just a tad too much but I have a lot to blumming well swear about ) anyway two more garages and I go and see an old mechanic from way back , he's the nicest most patient man ever , he kind to of agrees with me and suggests I tackle it myself and if I don't win he'll do it cheap , so come Monday it breaks down while out with the dogs , my partner has a doctors appointment and her crutches are in said van , so first thing walk home and drop the crutches back , then bike back to the van ( hang in there and I'll make this about anxiety ) back at the van out of breath and patience ( like Dr shipman :mad:) a cockney chap I talk to on dog walking duty is there he sees my mood and says " you wanna fack off home an ave a cap a tea an calm down " wise words , I get a tow home and think Ive got nothing to lose so I start stripping and drilling the immobiliser off the pump , next morning it's off and no going back , I re wire the ignition and the old girl fires up and has done first time since , so how does this relate to anxiety? Well nothing destroys your confidence in your own abilities like our unwanted little friend , it also makes you more susceptible to other people's views and opinions even if you are pretty damn sure you are right .
When push comes to shove you might as well have a go , if you feck it up at least you can look in the mirror and be proud you tried and if you nail it like I did it will give you a temporary high , the night I fixed it and saved a fortune I did my usually little victory dance in the shower with the radio blaring ( not a pretty sight so just imagine I shower in a clown suit :roflmao:) .
Right number two gripe and I'll make it quick before you doze off zzzzzzz , where I walk my dogs a foreign chap has bought the land and is closing all the public rights of way , last time I went at night with cutters and took the fence down and dumped it in a swamp , also hs2 have bought land and closed and locked gates also across public rights of way , until recently they have left a gap in the chain to allow pedestrians to squeeze through , today I went squeezed through with ma dawgs, a van passed me and I thought I hope that shite doesn't close the gates tight or my plump body won't fit and it's a long walk round ( early morning anxiety doesn't lend itself to being out of breath , tight chested and fretting I get to the gate and see a small gap , my reaction goes a little like the man on vicar of Dibley " no no no no no y yes "they'd left a master key in the lock , result , I can now open any of their gates I like , ok technically stealing by finding but how many people are they stealing from ? So f**k em and the horse they rode in on :yahoo:
I'll work on the swearing when life improves until then **** **** ****
Take care and have a go :hugs:
What a plonker leaving that key:D ah well, his loss, your gain.
I thought it was illegal to block public rights of way?:unsure:
Buster, that cockney chap sounds like Danny Dyer. Did he say 'yes get in there' or 'av summa that'? And why did you start stripping before drilling the immobiliser off the pump? It's February me old china :shades:
Darksky, closing off a public right of way is a civil matter where as a member of the public ripping it down is criminal damage , but only criminal if you get caught :D there a bit of rebel left in me hiding under all the anxiety.
Fish that chap comes from Landon I think it's a small village near London or there abouts , he is a diamond geezer though, very methodical and calm unlike me messy and short tempered , I think he was part of Londons social cleansing, anyone with less than a million in the bank must leave and relocate further north past the north south divide , Essex will soon be in Birmingham, hence the idea of HS2 to shift all the paupers as fast as possible , the rich don't realise when they've all gone there will be no one to wipe their posh arses :D
I always strip to work on my van don't want the neighbour's thinking I'm normal .
Got up today to a cold sore, I feel so lucky.
Take care .
Well been a couple of weeks since I posted ,I seem to have landed on a snake again and gone back to square one , I spend each day trudging along hoping for a ladder that doesn't appear.
im in constant pain from being so tensed up all day then can't sleep at night , pretty much a living hell , nice if you like that sort of thing but it don't really float my boat .
The life I had is a distant memory I now just feel sooo alone , partner has moved to the spare room with the dogs , anxiety has cut me off from all but one of my old mates and he's back packing in Vietnam ,my mother can't even lift her head or get up anymore, I have no social life at all , the only people I interact with are dog walkers and people who buy from me but having to deal with people who turn up late or early makes me incredibly anxous even though business is good I have no interest in it .
So where does this leave me ? A bloody great spanner trying to fit into a world of cutlery , I have no place ( pauses as their is a knock at the door at nearly two in the morning probably our alcoholic neighbour ) I feel I don't belong anywhere , if I'm honest probably not even here , people come and go on the site just temporary encounters because we have the most debilitating condition.
im even scared to form new friendships as soon as I get to know people well I get that fear of being invited to join in normal life .
my time with my grandkids is also marred by anxiety, they want me to be mental grandad joining in on the park but im
being crushed inside , it's hard to have fun when you can barely breathe.
yesterday while driving I was back to my old trick of closing my eyes while driving, I closed them while on the motorway and when I opened them a lorry had braked in front , the weird thing was I felt nothing , no shock or eyes popping out on stilts just nothing , I stood on the brakes which I suppose is a good sign but i did ponder on why I didn't panic at a time when I should have .( knocking and dogs barking has stopped , good not my problem) .
Do others on here feel they don't have a place in the world ? Just plodding along smiling politely to folk when you feel like crap inside .
Feel free to move this to the really really depressing section , your post has been moved to the recycle bin as we didn't like it, I'll try to leave it another two weeks to post again don't want you putting your heads in the microwave ( I'm not suggesting you have more than one head ) .
Later x
I always find writing about your life in the early hours of the morning far more negative than during the day where you might have had one of those incredibly good days with the kids or a trip to the coast.
Night time is guaranteed to make you feel glum.
I know you have your problems Buster and you compare it to when you were young.
But as I have grown older, I have found that there is more crap to deal with, more responsibilities, more grief.
You do have many positives.....
A home, work (where you are your own boss), family, pets and the gift of having a sense of humour.
But! As a person who was hit by car that took their eyes off the road, I would not recommend that happening to anyone else. It was that incident that finally pushed me over the edge. And would you really want anyone else to feel like we do Buster? I know you have a heart and I know the reasons behind doing it, but just imagine if you were the one that ended up being a vegetable. Suddenly plodding on from day to day doesn't look so bad after all.
Basically, we are all plodders and grab those days that make you feel alive and buzzing again.
All our lives have changed. I can't hold a job down anymore, but hey, no more rotten commuting.
Personally, if you want my opinion, which you probably don't, but I would spend as much time with your mum at the moment. I know it's not easy, but it may be something you might regret if you don't. This is for your benefit as well. As for your partner. Well, she hasn't left and I think unlikely to do so. She is making a stand because she is unhappy the way things are, but you are too. But neither of you are alone and you have family.
Life happens this way sometimes.
I was married for 13 years but hardly saw or spoke to my hubby, but my life is not like that now.
Nothing stays the same forever and your life may be completely different in the future.
Put your frustrations in to your work, have fun with the kids and dogs (they are yours too), use the forum for companionship and tell your mum you love her. :)
Carnation , you know i value your opinion, the early hours are the time I’m at my lowest , I’m waking up every night in the early hours with my mind going at a thousand miles an hour , when I do fall asleep I have vivid nightmares , and wake in a panic it’s exhausting and sets me up for a rotten day , I’m just so tired I can’t enjoy anything not even a walk with the dogs I just cant relax my body . I’m not expecting to go back to being young but I feel I have a lot of living to do and this illness if that’s what you can call it is preventing me from being who I want to be .
Today I saw an old mate I havent seen in a few years , same age as me and in a mobility scooter , he’s the third one I’ve seen this way from drinking , their bodies have given up leaving them too weak to walk , I suppose anxiety took me away from that path .
The other weird thing today was a trip to a copy shop which I’ve never been to before , I got chatting to the woman who did my photo copies and for some reason she told me her life storey , first thing she tells me she’s gay but doesn’t look it , we have a laugh about what a gay woman should look like , she also tells me she’s single and likes caravaning with her dog , so her story is she was happily married to a man with kids then at forty they grew apart and she said she wanted to sleep with a woman ( her husband thought his luck was in until she said he wasn’t invited ) anyway we chatted for while and I said my partner wants to be on her own now but I like to be around people , she said she’s happier since they split and has had gay relationships since but is still looking for the right partner , she also said you can’t stay in an unhappy relationship just because you’re scared of being on your own , there was a lot of truth in what she said and it was weird talking to someone like this when I didn’t even know her an hour before , it does seem there is a path set out for us , I we going to go to another shop but my partner said go to this one they are a lot nicer .
I can see time is running out with my mum but a life time of not hugging or saying I love you does make it hard to change those ways , I just wasn’t brought up that way , she knows I love her , I took her some flowers on Friday and when I got back home she’d rang my partner to thank her for them assuming she’d sent them ( I do buy flowers quite regular without reason ) .
Anyway I am in a very dark place right now but I’m still wait for that ladder, you never know eh ?
Thanks carnation .ps no idea where everything is on this new site .
Buster, I started reading your latest post and was going to offer some thoughtful advice when I burst out laughing at your mention of the gay woman's hubby thinking 'his luck was in'. You have such a talent for comedy even in your darkest moments, you really do. As for driving with your eyes closed, please listen to Carnation. I've just lost a nephew aged 47, he was into gym work and boxing. Carefree and confident but a good lad, I'd known him since he was 8. And then bang, he's gone.
Now I'm not saying you have a duty to carry on fighting this condition just because my nephew died a violent death. Not by any means because I've thought many a time about a way out from living like this. This tragedy has upped my constant companion anxiety, it's trying to sabotage being there for my brother and attending the funeral at a time when I should be grieving. But we have to keep waiting for that ladder. I like your analogy, think I'll use it for my own struggles if that's ok with you.
Having said all that, you do have a hell of a lot to deal with. How about suggesting to your partner that you pull together, how would she really be if you walked out? Lost I would say. You really are a selfless person, you have all this happening yet you stay. Some might say you should run to the hills, many would have done so long ago. Doesn't that say a lot about you as a human being?
The other issue of comparing yourself with old mates, I do that myself, usually on social media like FB but you only see snippets of their lives, and the good snippets too. Like their Vietnamese holidays. I have a cousin who travels around the world, he posts pics of himself from the US, a different one for each state. I envy him but he could drop dead tomorrow. OK I'll stop lecturing now, I think I'm trying to convince myself as much as you. But hang in there buddy, please. You're a good bloke, truly.
Well I feel a bit rotten about posting my eyes wide shut shinanegans , it was very insensitive towards you and carnation I just didn’t think , I’ve said it before that anxiety can make you very selfish at times not thinking how your actions affect others , when a dark spell comes over me I do see ways out in unusual places I try to tempt fate but I do tend to make sure it’s not going to involve anyone else I certainly wouldn’t be driving into oncoming traffic , if I could I’d let you both give me a punch in the face but I can’t so I’ll intentionally stub my little toe into a chair leg ( there would be a smiley face there but I can’t find them on this new site ) .
Feeling awful again today with constant chest and back pain , I don’t know which is worse the mental anguish or the physical pain it brings on , when it’s bad there is no escaping it you can’t run or hide it’s like a rucksack of jagged boulders on your back .
Something that I have been thinking about is exposure ( not dirty old columbo Mack type ) we get told to do the things that stress us and we will get used to it but it seems the opposite with me , I’ve sold over thirty large items on eBay in three weeks and each one has had to be collected and each time I’ve had to demonstrate how they work and deal with the buyers but I still feel just as anxious each time I have to wait for them to arrive and rather than it getting easier the daily stress has worn me out and made me worse , we need the money so it’s a necessary evil but I need a way of dealing with people without the worry before hand , I can’t really avoid it either , I’m not sure what the answer is but then I’m not sure of anything right now .
Anyway sorry again to you both and I’ll be off now to give that toe a good stubbing . Smiley face , hug face .😄 ooh just noticed smiley face does that work ?
Very quickly Buster cos I'm in the middle of something. You have nothing to apologise for, I'm not in the least offended. After all I get those thoughts too. We have the housing association people coming out tomorrow which I'm getting myself worked up about, they are looking at our leaking gutter but I'm thinking it may need all replacing. I could really do without it right now, I bet they want to spend a week putting up scaffolding for less than a day's work for the actual gutter. Time was when you did guttering off the top of a ladder. Anyway later buddy but please don't go stubbing your toe on my account.
Sorry you're going through a crap time Buster. It never damn well rains but it pours.
if I could throw you a ladder down I would and while I was at it, I'd make a natty pair of shoes from that damn snake. The black times do end, we all know, however hard it is to believe while we are blundering around in the dark.
Keep on getting through the days, its all we can do when we're bad, keep on taking the pooches out. It's hard when every day, the rocks in the backpack turn into a rockery to lumber around but we seem to grow the muscles to carry it don't we.
i keep a focus on Spring, little things like the daffs that are out, the blossom on the trees, the lighter nights. Already the gloomy mornings are gone. Little things Buster, it's always the little things that will bring a smile.:woof
Spring is my favourite time noticing life popping up everywhere day by day , my dad used to carry daffodil bulbs in his jacket pockets and plant them while we were out , he’d say “they’ll be around when I’m gone “ seeing daffs in odd places alone makes me think of him , I’m not a fan of baking hot summer so spring is the sweet spot , last week was perfect sunny and cool no need for a coat , today was more like my state of mind , dark cold and generally shitty , some sort of storm is going on outside , it’ll pass like all things do , I’ve been so bloody cold all day and partner is sweating cobs ( rolls if you’re down south ) I think she’s going through the menopause, my hands and feet are like blocks of ice when I’m anxious, a dog on each foot helps .
sleeping tonight would help , we live in hope ��
That's a lovely thing your dad used to do. I sometimes see daffs, just one, in an odd place. Maybe other people do it too. It's a great idea and it akways raises a smile. You've started something now, come September we'll all have pockets bulging with daffs bulbs. We ought to have a competition who can plant one in the daftest place.
thankfully I'm just out of the hot flushes, psychotic moods (this symptom was one my other half said I had lol ) and all the usual baggage of the menopause. It's a crappy time but doesn't last forever.
last week was fabulous...perfect really, just the right temps. Bleak now, but it will come back.
hope you sleep tonight Buster, although I think this bloody wind rattling the windows will keep us all awake.
Darksky , I don’t have the green fingers my dad had , in the seventies our garden was like the good life rows of veg , runner beans on sticks and chickens , I used to love eating my way round the garden but as soon as it was cooked I’d lose interest, he had an allotment as well that’s where I scattered his ashes under a pear tree he planted unfortunately someone dug it up and stole it one night along with dads ashes �� I do laugh about that . Noticed the blossom is on the trees this morning and it was a beautiful morning even my dog didn’t bath in mud today .
so feeling a bit normal ,ok I’ve never been described as normal but normal ishh I went to a diy store , inside happily walking around that sneaky little shite anxiety was following me then bam tight chest back pain wearing my shoulders as earrings and Ive gone from good to dying , I was scanning around looking at people thinking if I’m having a heart attack who looks like they might know cpr or even QPR , so mid fake heart attack I don’t run for an ambulance I carry on looking for wood polish As YOU DO , NOT , it really took it out on me and back home I was pretty useless just in pain and zonked out , it wasn’t the day I had planned .
The house is still bloody cold with windows open constantly, pity women’s menopause can’t be like men’s just buy a sports car , get your ear pierced and fancy your chances with women half your age and well out of your league ��
Notice you have a Bon Jovi lyric Darksky ( saw them back in the day ) I’ve got a couple of tracks by them on my mp3 “ it’s my life it’s now or never and I ain’t gonner live for ever I just want to live while I’m alive “ it’s a good line to listen to when that black curtain comes down over you .
Ta ta ��
That's the trouble with anxiety, it attacks when you least expect it. :scared15:
You almost have to go out in combat.
The important thing is to remember that they are thoughts making you feel this way.
Although difficult to be rational when in the amidst of attack. You will often find me giving a good talk to myself. I don't care if anyone notices anymore, I have the enemy to deal with. :wacko:
When I read that carnation the first thought in my slightly unbalanced mind was “ not now Cato !” :roflmao:, it may well be my new nickname for my unwanted friend anxiety , it does sneak up when you least expect it .
well today was pretty horrendous it’s just not letting up , my chest and back are constantly tight making it difficult to breathe , I’m getting bits done but nothing like I want to , went to see mum for a while she’s not worse but I accept she won’t get better , got home and tried to get back to working but it’s so hard when your thoughts are on breathing not the job in hand , by 5 o’clock I’d given up and was ready to just get a shower and try to calm down , then a knock at the door and I wonder if some of you guys are like this , it was our alky neighbour she asked for a lift to the other side of the city in rush hour , do you guys have trouble saying no ? Even though I felt like I was dying inside I still said ok , so off I went down the motorway in pissing down rain not knowing where I was going and neither did she , she did go even me some money and said she really apreciated it but my god it was a hard drive , she takes mental health problems to a new level and she’ll probably be back tomorrow battered and bruised from her bf so I probably didn’t even do her a favour .
my therapist did say I should say no more if I dont want to do something but I do find it difficult, must say no , must say no , noo noo noo noo y yes .
Started today feeling quite positive, last night I wrote out a list of work I need to do and thought sticking to it would help me get through the day , so I head off to my lockup and find it's a real mess so first job is I need to tidy up so I can work without breaking my neck every five mins , tidying up took up most of the day and it's still not done I'm a real magpie for collecting junk.
back home me and partner take the dogs out , she's still on crutches and in constant pain so it's not much of walk for her , we both get a text and it's from my daughter saying the recycling sculpture me and granddaughter made has won the prize at school , we made a full size fisherman out of plastic bottles etc and on his line was a fish made from a bottle full of plastic , it could be made into a sculpture for the town centre , so you'd think I'd be over the moon but I didn't feel anything, partner had a real go at me for not being happy and said I was just acting like I was doped up ( I don't do drugs ) this turned into an argument as usual.
driving home it hit me when I'm not anxous like I have been for the last week constantly I become very withdrawn and depressed, I can't feel happy about anything and I can't show sympathy for my partner when she's crying in pain , I just don't seem to feel anything just numb .
she was say how my granddaughter adores me and should be really happy , I feel I don't deserve her love or anyone's for that matter , I don't deserve good things to happen only bad and if good things happen I expect something bad to be in the post .
Right now we don't have massive worries apart from our relationship, we've paid off our arrears we have plenty of money but we can't be happy .
what the hell is wrong with me that when things pick up I feel even lower and ruin it by expecting ting the worst ?
Not sure where to go from here or even why I'm typing this , is there an answer ? I need to get myself together while there is something left to fix .
Take care x
It's so true that money can't buy happiness, and it certainly can't cure us. If I was a millionaire I would give the whole lot up for a cure or to not have been afflicted with it. But we have to play our hand as best we can. We have little choice. However it would be nice to enjoy it rather than getting through. Still, on we go. Left foot, right foot.
i hope you're feeling a bit more positive Buster. Don't think you don't deserve happiness. Get that right out if your head. The things you do for people, random strangers who you help. You are a kind, thoughtful, selfless human and you make me laugh. Even when I don't feel like it, you manage it.
Hows your pooches anyway. It's not very good weather for dog walking at the minute. Dodging the downpours which always start half a mile away from the house on the way out and stop just as you open the gate to get back in. Nothing like the smell of wet dog..
My dog walks are a bit of s push me pull me affair , one dog is three one is thirteen their names are oi come on and oi slow down , or so you’d think , trudging through mud and the wind in your face picking up dog muck it’s just bliss and with anxiety crushing the breath out of me you could ask are you mad but then I know the answer to that question , even before the anxiety I do remember mates saying” you’re not right in the head “ I must admit some of my great drunken ideas were not very safe or legal .
Today was another tough one , partner is in constant pain 24/7 the doc thinks her knee may be infected arthritis so she may have to go into hospital for intravenous antibiotics.
Did the school run today , told the kids we could go to school or carry on to the sea side instead , they were up for it and bitterly disappointed when we didn’t , forgot to give granddaughter her money so had to go back into school , went to the wrong class whooops not good these days school are like fortresses , picked up lado after nursery and took him to the park , how we laughed as I left him stuck in swing and said I was going home without him then got him out and chased him round being a zombie , he needs to learn how to deal with zombies just incase , nipped off and did a deal with chap to make some money , then back to school for the last pick up . All done while in terrible pain from tension and all done while super duper anxious fearing I may drop dead for reasons unknown .
Couldnt relax this evening so I took the dog ( just the young un) out for a walk round the dark streets , my biggest fear by then wasn’t dropping dead or being stabbed by a gang of youngsters or even being mugged , my fear was that I might be arrested by the fashion police or sectioned for what I was wearing , muddy boots , bright tartan pj bottoms , lumberjack shirt and hat , in the headlights I may have looked a tad odd but I’m big enough and ugly enough to not care and the dog didn’t seem to mind although she did walk well infront .
those words “ you’re not right in the head “ do seem to echo echo through my life .
Take care . :yesyes:
Slips you hugs, I too, had hit myh lowest point, I tried to kill myself two weeks ago, thus why I haven't been around....I am so so sorry you are dealing with all of what you are going through, I wish I had words or something to help you or that ladder. I am slowly healing and finding enjoyment in things, it's a long hard road, I know you can do this.
Slips you hugs, I too, had hit myh lowest point, I tried to kill myself two weeks ago, thus why I haven't been around....I am so so sorry you are dealing with all of what you are going through, I wish I had words or something to help you or that ladder. I am slowly healing and finding enjoyment in things, it's a long hard road, I know you can do this.
Tracey , I don’t think either of us want to die it’s just so hard living at times when every waking moment is a struggle , I try to find a glimmer of light each day in the dark times to keep me getting up and out , and I do try to find something to laugh at each day , today it was my dog digging a hole in a muddy puddle with her face while i chatted to another dog walker , she went in white and came out brown , she doesn’t like me talking to people , every now and then she looks at me as if to say “ look what you’ve made me do “ she didn’t like me dragging her in a brook and washing it all off either the little shite .
Hugs to you too and hang in there , I’ve heard good times are coming soon .:hugs:
Awww Buster, that would have been a sight to see, yeah she doesn't want her daddy talking to others, my husband's and my dog is the same way, she is daddy's girl and yes I do believe good times are coming, my cat saved my life, I took a bunch of pills and was about to take more and he knocked them out of my hand and kept meowing until my husband came to see what was going on.
Pkstracy, I just had to post something.
Firstly, I am so sorry you came to a point where you were in this position and I am so relieved that you didn't follow it through.
I can also empathise with how you came to this point. Cats are special and what your cat did for you must tell you now that it was not the right thing to do.
There is always someone to turn to in your darkest moments, please remember that. x
Buster, the last sentence applies to you too. x
take care both of you xx
,
Carnation thank you, I just got so tired, and am still tired, I am back on my meds and going to therapy, sorry did not mean to hijack this thread, perhaps I'll post a thread one day about what happened. hugs to you both.
Carnation thank you, I just got so tired, and am still tired, I am back on my meds and going to therapy, sorry did not mean to hijack this thread, perhaps I'll post a thread one day about what happened. hugs to you both.
So sorry to hear what you've been through, Pkstracy, and if you do decide to start a thread about what happened, we will always listen and support you ;)
is that vulva the estate version or hatchback ? Pretty sure nothing should be glued underneath.
No, that's a Vulvo, Mr B :wacko:
Tracey you are more than welcome to post on this thread if you are going through a bad time or even better if you are having a good day ,they do happen , I can’t emphasise enough how bad an idea taking too many pills is , I’ve see the after effects several times nearly losing my daughter and partner to overdoses , that said I do understand that sometimes it feels the only way to stop the hurting .
As Kk said there are many good people on here that will have been through the same and will be willing to listen and support you , they have helped me through some very dark times ( like the great power cut of winter 2017 :shades: )
KK , You say vulvo I say potahto, potato tomahto, let’s call the whole thing off :whistles:
Today I had a confrontation in a car park , my piece of German crap van ( Hitlers last laugh ) broke down yet again at TK max , being resourceful I jammed a screw driver into the starter solenoid a few sparks and it fired up , slammed the bonnet quickly jumped in and the wind blew my door which just nudged the next cars wing mirror , I get oi from an angry man stood at the back of his car , I go “sorry “ but he’s fuming and checking his mirror like it’s been hit by a truck , he then makes point of walking in front of my van to give me a glare as I’m pulling out , I stare back and think what an arse ( that’s not to say he had a cute bum ) anyway everyone seems to be so angry these days , ok my sorry probably didn’t sound very sincere because I wasn’t that sorry , I’ve had a shite week , month , year , decade , and no sleep last night , I’m not sure Mr angry knew how close he was to disappearing under my van , man verses van .:lac:
Anyway got to go need to go turn my bike around .
Take care .
okay guys so if you go to Misc thread, and look for My Story, I posted about my past, what I deal with and what drove me to do what I did. Bust I am sorry that you are dealing with all you deal with you are a strong person as well. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you. Hugs my friend.
I seem to be on a downward spiral right now , my mental and physical health have been in decline for some time , I wake each day with adrenaline buzzing through my body , my chest and throat are constantly tight restricting my breathing, I’m aware of every breath I take throughout the day , I take little or no enjoyment from life right now , I’m pretty sure if Donald trump walked by and slipped on a banana skin I wouldn’t find it funny, ok I might a bit :roflmao:
Mental anguish and real physical pain is my day , if things don’t pick up soon I might have to give up on anxiety for good and take up knitting or worse golf ( do you still have to dress like a 70s pimp , that’s golf not knitting ) .
seriously feeling fed up with this shite day in day out , thought I’d try and relax this evening , had a diazepam and a can of beer and settled down , then banging on the door and the handle being pulled , drunk neighbour was trying to get away from her bf who’d just beat her up , he was outside and I had to let her in to call the cops , he’s a psycho and will end up killing her .
I think I hear the sea calling :hugs:
Yes Buster, you must be due a sea break :)
Buster, don't take up golf, please. Unless you have a Rupert Bear outfit? Seriously though, is there nothing that can be done about your physical health at least? I wish I could say something that might give you some kind of hope but then you're a glass half full kind of bloke. Half full of Jack Daniels maybe but still half full. Hang in there mate and here's a blokey hug :hugs:
Damn straight you would laugh if Donald Trump slipped on a banana skin in front of you. Don't even begin to deny it:roflmao: Your you tube video would break the internet. Who needs the Kardashians?
Thanks guys / gals , feeling very trapped by life , all the things I want to do with my time on this wonderful spinning ball are made pretty much impossible by my unwanted friend anxiety , it’s like having a fight with someone you cant see or hear .
Fish , other than my back crumbling into what feels like gravel my other problem remains a mystery, I have asthma that’s a given but for three years I have constant wheezy irritation in my lungs , it started when the doc upped my steroid inhaler by 4 x , I ended up with mouth and throat infection and it’s been hell ever since , Ive given up with going to the docs they just seem to look at my records and think it’s all in my head , I cant find anyone on here with the same symptoms, I can feel the rattling in my lungs and hear the wheezing , do you think you can have a post-mortem whilst alive ? Take everything out see what’s wrong and chuck it all back in , obviously there would be a couple of small parts left over that didn’t look important :roflmao:i was only joking about the golf things arnt that bad .
Carnation I might be off down the coast this weekend but I’m already feeling guilty about my mum especially as it’s mother’s day , I’ve spoke to her and she thinks it’s a good thing but I doubt she remembers now .
The day I dont laugh at Trump falling on his arse would be the end of civilisation as we know it , my daughter used to video me without me knowing and put it online for her friends to see , their favourites were “dad singing Blondies Atomic loudly while driving “ and “Dad does air guitar with Grand daughter “ her friends said they wanted to swap dads , feck knows why I’m like a laptop with several coffees spilt in it .
If I were a horse they’d take me up yonder field and shoot me , ooh came over all nothern then .
maybe tomorrow eh ? :hugs:
Buster, your mum's happiness is your happiness.
By the sounds of it, it will be like any other day, but you can't go if you feel guilty.
Anyway, Mother's Day should be every day!
I think I’ve been feeling guilty for the last twenty years for one reason or another , yesterday was twenty years since my dad died I still feel guilty over that , went to my mums today to give my bro a hand , he said it was our cousins funeral today I was shocked as no one had told me he’d died , he was in his fifties about 8 years older than me , when I was young I thought he was cool as f@@k , he was in a punk band and they had a record , I remember him giving me a 7” single and showing me his name on it , he also rode motocross, he could pull a wheelie from one end of the village to the other I was in awe of him , unfortunately he had no stop button and started drinking and doing drugs and turned into a real arse , I’ve only seen him at funerals in recent years but I was sad that he’d gone , feel a bit guilty not being at his funeral but then guilt is my middle name Buster Guilty Mcguilty Face .
still feeling rotten and in so much pain but still trying to hide it while going about my business, the two women in the post office must have noticed I wasn’t happy as they suggested stealing all the money and running off together with lots of cake , those two are going to get me locked up one day but they do make me laugh .im not sure Royal Mail would consider it funny .
Enjoyed watching the bake-off tonight I must be getting old , soggy bottoms :roflmao:
so here’s an anxiety question, some say acceptance is the answer , accepting this is how you are now but can you really accept it and live with it if like me you have to spend most of your time hiding it , I think it’s worse for men because of male pride and being seen as weak , being able to be open about it would be like being set free from anxiety solitary confinement, I think I’m in for life .
Right enough moaning , ta ta .
On the darkest days try to enjoy the little things .:hugs:
Our local park is full of blossom at the moment Buster. It's absolutely beautiful down there. When the sun is shining, rare at the moment I know, it's nice to go there and just breathe it in.
hope you are feeling ok at the moment Buster. :hugs:
Hi all , haven’t felt good for a while but the last week has been a real mixed bag , so to bore you all to sleep I thought I’d tell you about it (please do not drive or operate machinery after reading my thread it may cause drowsiness) , last week I felt awful mentally and physically but bills need paying so I have to go out and earn a crust , I had to see a buddy to make a deal and pick up a van load of heavy items , not easy when you can’t breathe or concentrate, i bluff my way through these things making up excuses for my state , I dropped off the first load and returned for more , on my return my mate had nipped out so I sat in the van outside waiting , it’s only a small village and everyone knows each other so they know I’m not a local , so while sat there three women come waking up the road one is laughing then comes to my window, she says my mask frightened her ( not my ugly mug the mask on my passenger seat ) we chat and she catches her frends up , my mate pulls up and says “ she’s got that thing where she can’t leave the house “ agoraphobia I say , “ yeah her mates are helping her gradually go out , I think my god they walk among us , and by they I mean us , she didn’t know I was nuttier than a squirrels lunch box and I didn’t know she was , also my mate probably doesn’t know about me either .
so driving home I get to thinking we should have a secret hand shake or wink to let other sufferers we are one of them , just then I pull up at the lights and a woman crosses with a dog , on the dog is a yellow harness with the word ANXIOUS, we can say our dogs are anxious but the other end of the lead is a no go , maybe and rubber wristband with anxious? .
Anyway the next day I felt rotten so I booked my asthma review but by the morning I felt worse and thought I need to see the Doc instead , while fretting over wether to cancel the review and see the doc phone in hand ( I can’t make decisions when I’m like this ) my phone rings , I answer and it’s the Doctors to say my asthma nurse is ill would I like to see the Doc instead, weird weird weird .
so saw the Doc and he was about ten , I kept looking at his rucksack thinking has he got a Spider-Man lunchbox in there , but he was nice , did listen and said he was desperate to help me but his choices were limited as I won’t take antidepressants , my lungs and stats were ok , he said something no doc has said before “ maybe you could accept this is how you are now “ it is , I am .
driving home with the music turned up to drown out the voices in my head ( I don’t really hear voices ) (yes you do ) ( we’ ll agree to disagree) ( no we won’t) where was I ? Music playing and feeling better for taking to someone I agree with him this is me now , I have ok days and horrible days but while I still have days then I have hope , in the last seven days I’ve had two where I felt ok and I made the most of these days getting stuff done and wearing myself out but in a good way .
If by some miracle you are still reading I’ll introduce you to my new mate , he looked down on his luck so I took him home , partner wasn’t happy and the dogs hate him , even my neighbor looked over the fence while I was putting a shirt on him and asked his name , I said Derick and he said you have a weird sense of humour , ain’t that the truth .
meet Derick .
Buster, I clicked on this thread ready to offer some crumbs of comfort while being all serious and everything. Instead I've ended up guffawing through your story and yet feeling guilty because of knowing how much you're suffering behind your jester's mask. Not the mask in your vehicle I might add. So your GP was still at junior school? Accept how you are eh? That's good advice but then we do that by keeping on living.
It's strange how there are others out there just like us. I often wonder that in a supermarket or wherever, how many other people are walking on air, trembling, dreading the check-out. Back in January there was a woman in the hospital waiting room and we ended up comparing notes. Wouldn't it be easier if every last person suffered with anxiety? In that situation we'd all be normal. Maybe we should all just 'come out' and confess.
I could end this post by offering a lot of platitudes Buster like chin up, hang in there, every cloud and all that. But it wouldn't alter your situation any more than me saying I understand. The crumbs of comfort yes perhaps but a solution no. Look after yourself buddy.
Hi Buster :)
You know I always read your posts and to the end. :D
My first question is, "why do you have a mask, of what and when do you use it?"
I'm conjuring up all sorts of visions. :scared15:
Yes, isn't it encouraging to find other souls like us that appear to leading a normal life. And yes, maybe a anxious wristband is a good idea, but then we are labelling ourselves to the big wide world when half the time we like to remain a bit discreet. If we had one we could use as and when to our advantage. For instance, jumping a queue, nabbing a parking space, no waiting in the dics surgery and all phone calls have to be returned immediately! :D
Yes, I can definitely see the advantages.
I don't agree with what the GP said, the whipper snapper. :lac: that's almost telling you are incurable. In other words he was saying, "I can't help you, I know nothing about this, don't bother me again." :wacko:
Anyway, keep up the good work Buster and maybe look at for a mate for Derick. :)
Fish if I took all this crap seriously every day I’d be bouncing off the walls of padded cell right now , i try to find a funny side to life where ever I can , don’t ever feel guilty having a laugh .
Derick currently resides next time our back gate so he’s the first thing you see as you walk in , my daughters and partner are constantly shrieking as they walk in and forget he’s there , it usually goes , gate clicks , scream , “ Dad for gods sake can you move it ! “ me “ his names Derick and he can hear you “ chuckle , funny thing he makes me jump as well he’s so light footed , so pondering what to do with him next I thought I might mount him on the shed roof ( ooh that sounds bad ) I might nail him on the shed roof ( mmm no better ) I’ve got a feeling he’ll be around a while until I leave him in the woods one night .
lola is this doll real purdy? I get an image of you on your bike with her flapping about on the back , I’m not sure Derick would be up for a long distance relationship.
I think my junior Doctor meant well and did want to help but I am a lost cause and maybe acceptance is the way to go , just stop fighting the invisible man , he did look very young but maybe that’s me getting old and I probably shouldn’t have said “ aawwwe “ and ruffled his hair as I left .
I can see why it might look odd carnation having a Guy Fawkes mask on my headrest and handcuffs hanging off the tow bar but it’s nothing sinister I’m just waiting for the revolution and in the mean time it makes people laugh as they walk by and that can’t be a bad thing .
It seems very bitter sweet to realise other people are around us suffering in silence , a slight comfort to know you are not the only one but at the same time you wouldn’t wish it on them , three local men have taken their lives in the last three weeks , two of them were found where I walk my dogs , they must have been so troubled but hiding it from the world .
At least we have this place to vent and talk to some of the most understanding people .
Right it’s getting late better sign off and try to slow my mind down to warp speed .
Take care all .:bighug1:
Buster I'm a sucker for punishment...I read all your posts thoroughly and even go back and read them again later.
I read somewhere that 1 in 4 people have anxiety. 1 in 4!!! That's a tremendous amount of people. When we are white knuckling it in the supermarket or on the train or even at work, how many other people around us are also doing it. If it is indeed 1 in 4, then it's a health crisis and the help we receive is abysmal.
Well at least if someone is reading what I put I’m not talking to myself which as we all know is the first sign of madness ( one step beyond! Da da daaaa ) , 1 in 4 you say that’s almost a quarter or every fourth person in the queue for half price kalms at Asda at non busy times . I’d never read through what I’ve written as I’d cringe at my mistakes , my memory is soo bad I have no recollection of what I’ve put ,it’s probably for the best .
Ive burnt myself out this week digging holes for a new fence and laying a fake lawn while Derick stood watching doing feck all , if I’d know he was so lazy I’d have left him living in a skip , my family and grandkids now call him by his name so I guess he’s staying for a while .
The plan was to have a relaxing weekend but had a bust up with partner over nothing and now I’ve found out something very disturbing that is playing very heavy on my mind , I cant really put it on here for all to see but I don’t know what to do about the situation either , it’s very serious but I’m not sure who to go to or if there even is anyone that can help , sorry if this sounds a bit cryptic but things could go bad very quickly, I’m shite at making important decisions .
Got the grandkids staying over which is a great distraction, before they came I sat in the garden in tears at what could happen , my granddaughter is the funniest person I know , apart from her mum I’d say I’m the one she’s spent most time with so we know how to make each other laugh .
Two days to chocolate day .
Buster if I knew who you were, knew where you lived and lived near myself, I swear I would be round every damn day giving you masshoosiv hugs :hugs:
Of course things can be too private for public statements, totally understand...Is it something Citizens advice can help you with, they are very good.
I appreciate the offer but if you were here you’d probably be ducking in the next isle at the supermarket to avoid that bloody misery guts , and I was brought up very unhuggy , I do like a good hug but off randoms I’m never quite sure about the etiquette to avoid bumpings .
I really do need to talk to someone but it could be serious and it could make things worse if I get it wrong , life is never bloody simple .:hugs:
Well for the last week I’ve tried to avoid this new worry and it is a biggie , i still don’t know what to do for the best but doing nothing could be the biggest mistake of my life .
when i get a worry my mind will use anything to occupy itself rather than address the issue , so me and Derick have been busy , laid a lawn , put up a new fence , put up a whole new fence for the neighbor which started as a couple of broken panels but ended up doing the whole lot , past a skip where I picked up Derick and noticed some paint which gave me an idea , so another distraction was born , THE BEACH HUT , Derick helped out and I now have a beach hut a mere 90 miles from the nearest beach but it’s very close to the beach in my head.
The daffodils have now been replaced by snow drops and bluebells on my dog walk something I wouldn’t have noticed as a younger man ( little things ) the weather is now officially more nuts than me , I jumped the gun and went for combat shorts at the weekend but now we seem to be back to winter , yesterday I started walking in the sun with dogs and a black cloud came over me ( not depression a real one ) then it starts raining then hale stones the size of Maltesers but less tasty, then the icing on the cake thunder and lightning, I was feeling a bit crap so I wasn’t that scared even out in the open but to be safe I thought better take cover under a very tall dead tree that had clearly been struck by lightening, as we all know lightening isn’t allowed to strike the same place twice so I was completely safe even swinging my dog chain in the air .
Ate to much chocolate last weekend so working hard hopefully will have burnt off the added weight , it seems I’ve been trying to lose some weight for about seven years , I’m not huge but I’d like to feel a bit more comfortable in my skin and not have to do the walk of shame after trying on Jeans in the shop that don’t fit , taking them back to the rack with a little tear rolling down my chubby cheek .
We now have some new neighbours who think it’s ok to come home drunk at four in the morning and stand outside shouting and arguing, my first thought was is dropping a piano on them an over reaction or maybe an anvil ? Ive googled it and can’t find a law against it .
Any way I’ll leave you with my land locked beach hut project made on a whim with bits I had knocking about , doesn’t everyone have an anchor, ships wheel and dummy ?
Buster, there is one thing sure to cheer me up and that's reading your posts. It's because I realise there really is someone worse off than me :shades: It just so happens I have an anchor right here, I'll post it on. Just one thing though, are you sure they were snowdrops in the wood because they're very late.
The beach hut is fab Buster, but you have to name it.
Derrick looks a bit iffy, maybe some beach attire might soften his scary glare. :D
Thanks for the comments on the beach hut , me and the grandkids are sleeping out in it soon , it has a bed and tv , I’ll be on the floor with the spiders , how about Hope villa ? I was going to just dress Derick in a mankini on a surf board but he’s got to earn his keep protecting my stuff , when the security light comes on the scumbag burglars see Mr D and run .
You could well be right Fish I’m no expert on flowers , other dog walkers try to educate me on wildlife but it goes in one ear and out of the other probably why the council kicked me off my allotment after my dad died , that and the reliant robin I burnt on there which the fire brigade had to put out , oooopps .
At my mums tonight my bro isn’t coping very well with living with her 24/7 which I totally understand, so he’s took his GF out and I’m baby sitting , she’s really not doing very well and I’m not under any illusions about her health she’s not getting better but we’ve had a nice chat about her and my dad when they were young things I didn’t know and watched some programs together , she rembers lots from years ago but nothing from the present , I am worrying myself sick mainly about my bro , she’s nodded off now , bloody hell she has this house hotter than hell in a heat wave, having asthma it’s a bit scary but trying not to freak out , it like winter outside again.
Just realised my mum knows all the flowers shall I wake her up and ask ?
ohh and one more thing ( like columbo) now I have no sense of smell will Dandelions still make me wee the bed if I sniff them ? Nature is so complicated.
Hi Buster, I think the white flowers in the picture are also bluebells. Snowdrops should have been finished by now. Someone correct me if I am wrong.
What you could do with now are some seaside plants around your beach hut.
Obviously sand would be better, then you'd get the real feel. 'Hope' is a brilliant name. :)
It's a brilliant idea of yours and just perfect for your down days. I can just imagine you sitting in it looking out with the sounds of 'Wouldn't it be nice' by the Beach Boys. :D
With your mum and bro. I can't lie. It is hard. You know I've been there 3 times over. And you holding the fort while your brother takes a breather will mean the world to him.
There are voluntary groups that will do that too and day centres that will pick your mum up by bus and take her for the day, no matter how bad her mind is or physical disability. It might be an idea you let your bro take a couple of days away somewhere and that will allow him to rejuvenate. I know my o/h would have appreciated it from his Bro when he was in that situation, but he never offered, not in 8 years! Just a thought. And don't forget your trip to the real seaside. :)
Derick in a mankini.....see what you've done now...all I can see is Borat in his:ohmy: I need to go and bleach my eyes.
They are definately Bluebells, Carnation. They are Spanish Bluebells, which are white, pink or blue. The native English Bluebell is getting rarer thanks to the spread of the Spanish ones. A bit like the red and grey squirrel. Dandelions only make you wee the bed if you actually pick them Buster....well that's what the milkman told me when he saw me with a bunch of them. I was about five at the time, this didn't happen last week I hasten to add.
its hard being the permanent carer of an elderly relative. When my mother broke her hip and had sepsis last year, my sister, who she lives with, bore the brunt of day to day life. We did what we could in the way of shopping, cooking batches of meals, washing etc but are a good car ride away. She came from hospital with bedsores which had to be dealt with,plus medication to sort her reflux which was trial and error, some gave her the trots, which again, because she couldn't move fast, caused its own problems as you can imagine. My sister was exhausted by it all, so I'm sure your brother really appreciates the time you are giving him and apart from the tropical atmosphere in the house ( why do they insist on boiling point) spending time with her must be nice for you. Has she got any old photos to go through. We get them out and look through them with our mother. She looks at them and smiles quietly. There are some shockers of me but hey ho.
it gives us a good laugh. Long gone people and long gone pets, it sounds depressing but it really isn't. They treasure the past because their future is unfortunately limited in time.
how about dressing Derick in a pair of your old thongs Buster...those skin coloured ones that got you arrested for public indecency last summer.
See this is why I shouldn’t be allowed out near nature , it’s a good job I didn’t move to oz as a kid like my dad wanted , I’d be dead by now , at least our nature is pretty harmless , white Bluebells ? I talk to a woman dog walker who loves to point out every bird , I said I’d put up a bird feeder and it had lots of yellow tits on it , she said “ I doubt they were yellow tits what colour were they ?” “Yellow “ I said “ yeah they’re Blue tits “ WTF ? Who named all this stuff Stevie Wonder ? .now I think about it I can picture a snowdrop and these were shaped like Bluebells , all I know is in a sea of nettles they looked kind of nice , a bit like anxiety everything looks like it will hurt you so you miss the good things .
I know what you mean about bleaching your eyes Darksky, I once saw a photo of Peter stringfellow in budgie smuggglers , you cant unsee that shite , sorry if I just replaced Borat with something much worse .
I did enjoy my time last night with my mum , has to check the back of the van for zombies before I drove home at 1 o’clock , the situation is much worse than I can post on here , or potentially, there is no aspect of it that is simple , last night was bitter sweet and I have said anytime he wants to go out I’ll go round , being brothers we dont talk about the important things we weren’t brought up that way , my Grandad was a monster to my dad and my dad wasn’t around much so communication isn’t our strong point , I guess we all try to be better parents than ours were .
Toodle pip .
Trivia alert..Did you know that a dandelion is a pissenlit in French?:D
That’s just the sort of trivia that made people vote for brexit , that and the promise that the channel tunnel would be filled with deodorant and a giant cork put in our end , another little known fact is that drinking dandelion and burdock before bed is a sure way of waking up in a shameful puddle , I once drank four litres before bed and did indeed have to hide my pj’s in the morning , evidence enough , at least they allowed you back into the county pulisa I thought you might be in a foreign jail on public order offences :shades:
I sometimes think if I had a body cam people would watch my odd day to day life , take today a couple cake to buy two Ebikes off me , they turned up quite a posh sounding couple in I’d say mid sixties , we got chatting while I demonstrated the bikes , the chap had Parkinson’s and had balance problems his wife also had health issues , so she has a go and with a bit of a wobble did ok , then husbands go , he got on and straight away nearly fell off , I jumped to steady him but his wife laughed it off and he had another go at setting off , this time he rode wobbling towards parked cars , I seemed the only one concerned for his safety, anyway the motor kicks in and he flys off down the road , as he turns to come back he falls off and face plants on the road , I go running up to help him up and his wife followed, we get to him and he just lays there laughing and said just “let me lay here a minute” , his wife laughs and said “ he needs to get up on his own “ , back on his feet , he laughs “ well that didn’t put me off let’s have another go “ , this went on for some time and we all had a good laugh about the situation, while counting the money she asks if he’s cut his leg , he says “ just a graze “ then in a cheeky manner she says “ would you like me to rub some cream on it later ? “ , still counting I say “ right I’m zoning out into a happy place while you two talk dirty , those two were the happiest funniest couple I’ve met in a long time and considering his illness you wouldn’t expect it .
later in the post office I stood behind a neighbour she was on a walking frame after a stroke she moves very slowly, she was apologising to the cashier for taking so long , so not wanting to make her feel more awkward I said “ come on chop chop get a move on “ she couldn’t turn but said “ who’s that “ I popped round and she laughed and we had a chat , i then asked the cashier if there was anything she wouldn’t do for cake , she said “ depends how big a slice “ “ half a cake “ I said and she go’s “ well then anything “ “ right I’ll be back later with a half a cake I want my van washing “ .
It seems no matter what the illness sometimes you can be laughing in the moment and forget just briefly how crap you feel , none of these people knew I had an illness tucked away in my head , it wasn’t really worth mentioning .
Take care all you wonderful Weirdo’s
Pissenlit Pulisa? That sounds painful :unsure: Buster that sounds great what you're doing for your brother, even just the simple things will make a lot of difference and it says to him 'you're not alone'. Yep snowdrops are in full bloom by about mid February but gone over by early to mid April.
Darksky, the other Sunday I went for a long walk along country lanes just out of town and saw patches of Spanish bluebells growing along the grass verges. I'm thinking people have either dumped/planted them there. There is indeed a real danger the English bluebells will become extinct through hybridisation and when you see Spanish ones growing in the wild, it feels like the battle is already lost?
Let us hope these Spanish bluebells are sent home as and when Brexit happens?!:D There'll always be an English bluebell!
:D Pulisa!! You've made me laugh out loud. I can picture the Spanish bluebells queuing at south coast ports.
When I was young, me and my sister used to play in what was locally known as The Bluebell Woods. Swathes and swathes of Bluebells in the springtime. All English Bluebells. I remember well, when the woods were bulldozed for a motorway. Progress eh?
This time of year, I'm generally found while walking the pooches, inspecting the blue Bluebells. English one are still here but they are getting less and less. It's sad really.
Buster, the story about the couple with the husband with Parkinsons reminded me of my dad.
He also would have fits of laughter after a fall or hurting himself while I would be running to his aid with tears in my eyes. He'd just laugh more and couldn't understand why it didn't bother him and make him angry or upset? It was like he'd turned it to a child.
Even when he froze halfway across a pedestrian crossing and stopped the traffic and cars were hooting, he'd just turn to me with a big grin on his face like he was ten years old. I was the one stressed, not him.
Byt maybe that was his way with coping with it.
I know anxiety doesn't like to be laughed at and I have done that a few times.
So maybe laughter could be the cure? :)
Oh Buster I love your posts so much.
Your beach hut is awesome even if it is a tad land locked, I wish I had the skills to do stuff like that.
I bet your brother really appreciated getting a break. It is so hard watching someone you love.
The story about the ebikes is brilliant. It is something that I have thought of getting but I got myself so confused whilst researching that I gave up.
Keep up the great work of amusing us, you are amazing.
Elen
I think Elen summed you up pretty well there Buster :D
Thanks guys , it made me well up to read your posts you are so sweet and the fact that someone is reading my thread means I’m not talking to myself which we all know is the second sign of madness , the first being naked in the supermarket freezer isle .im in good company on here .
Darksky there is also a Bluebell wood near me right next to the motorway , it looks magical a sea of blue , strange that bluebells seem to grow in places called bluebell wood , what are the chances of that ?
Do you think that was his Parkinson’s that made him just lay there laughing because his wife was laughing just as much and he did joke he’d have to get up before the bus came along , she sent me message today thanking me for being helpful and said he fallen off four times but they live in a park home so no cars and plenty of grass , I sent back a link for elbow and knee pads .
My van is in for a clutch today , a few years ago I’d have done it myself but now I’d probably crawl under it and fall asleep , I’m really wearing myself out trying to be omnipresent, hoping to get down the coast again soon ,I think I’ll bring back a jam jar of sea water and one of sand to put outside my beach hut , would it be wrong to take Derick ? I had this idea of strapping him to the roof rack and take him around taking photos in different destinations, a dummies guide to Britain with free copy of a dummies guide to anxiety .
There was a brief time that anxiety ( and meds ) took away my ability to laugh , smile or take any joy from life and I thought those emotions were gone forever like my fringe ,but things can get better , even on real dark days I seem to find somthing to laugh about sometimes even mid panic attack .
Some things in life are bad , they can make you really mad , some things can make you swear and curse,
when you’re chewing on life’s gwistle don’t gwumble give a whistle , and thisle make things turn out for then best ,always look on the bright side of life , di da di da di da di da .:yesyes:
I'm not sure Buster, it may be a case of having a drink or two of the hard stuff.
Well you would wouldn't you?
I think that's a great idea for Derick. See how many famous places you can get his photo taken at.
I hope your problem is working itself out. :flowers: <<<Bluebells (English ones:D)
Really unhappy with myself tonight, this problem I have no idea how to resolve is still playing on my mind and things are still not good between me and my partner , one day things are ok the next we argue about anything and really grate on each other , last night she said she wasted her life being with me and can’t be with me anymore .
we both have mental health problems but in very different ways , she says she’s anxious and takes diazepam everyday but I seem to take it to a much higher level , today I spoke to someone we both know and they started asking about a party my partner has planned for her birthday next year , just the thought of it even a year away made me feel sick , her idea is to hire a pub and invite loads of people , the worst part for me is she’s inviting all my old mates non of who know how I am now so they will expect to get hammered , i mentioned it tonight and she went up the wall saying how selfish I am and how I’m ruining her idea of a party , I agree it’s real shit of me not looking forward to it and being happy , thing is I have no control over my thoughts , it ends up like a stuck record going over and over how bad it could be .
She deserves to be happy and do the things she wants to , I know I’m just making her unhappy and she would be better off without me , anxiety is controlling everything in my life , it’s stopping me being the man I want to be and at times I despise the man I’ve become , everyday I have to act normal while feeling anything but .
Why does anxiety have to suck the fun out of every part of your life , I was feeling quite good this week I’ve met some lovely people had some nice comments on here , it made me feel good about humanity there are good people out there but I don’t feel I’m one of them .
I desperately want to start enjoying life again for people around me but I don’t know where to start or if it’s just too late .
Sorry if this post is a bit self pitying , I’ll try come back in a better frame of mind next time .
Take care .
Buster, first off your post isn't self pitying. You are airing some very authentic and relevant feelings regarding your partner and how you feel about your relationship with her. Saying she has wasted her life with you is a particularly cruel and unnecessary thing to say. You could reverse that and throw it back at her but my money is on you being too decent a bloke.
I'm assuming she knows about how alcohol affects you. If so, she should be considering your feelings regarding any party, not to mention inviting all your old mates. The expectation for you to get drunk would weigh heavily, especially as they know nothing of your anxiety. Unless of course you told them but then you run the risk of the blank looks, the platitudes about getting a grip etc. Anxiety does indeed impact hugely on our lives, which to reiterate, your partner really should understand. I'm not sure how you can get out of this bash she wants. You say she deserves to be happy, well yes but so do you. And if she really respected you then she would work with you and not against. You deserve better mate, much better. Look after yourself.
My idea of hell would be a great big birthday bash too, so you're by no means alone.
Cant you just tell your old pals that you don't drink anymore. If they laugh it off and take the mick, can't you make up some cobblers about 'doctors orders'.
This is in the front of your mind because it's new. The passage of time will push it back and you will find it doesnt spike your anxiety. There's a lot of water got to go under the bridge before next year, as my mother would say.
you are a lovely man Buster, never, ever forget that. Have some more Bluebells:flowers:
There is a way of being there on your own, in your own space and staying out of the way of boozing.
Be the DJ. :D
You might even enjoy it and keep partner happy. :D
Hi , the ken for the replies , the drinking is an issue but just being there is the main problem , I will go over and over it thinking worst case scenario until it makes me ill , I feel trapped in these situations and need to know I can leave but that’s not an option .
Today has been horrendous, we have been arguing and she brings up the worst things she can to hurt me because she’s hurting , she seems to think I want to feel this way but that couldn’t be further from the truth, she’s now decided we arnt going away and it’s over between us , she says I should have said nothing and kept it to myself how I feel , kind of wish I had it’s only made things worse .the more I try to explain the worse it gets to a point where she’s talking suicide , it probably would be better for me to be gone and let her be happy alone .
Im not sure people are ready for me to be DJ carnation my music taste is eclectic to say the least , most people wouldn’t follow Dolly parton with Metallica .
Take care I’ll come back when my funny bone is fixed .
Sending love to you Buster. Hope things improve
Thank you Magic , I know things have to change we can't go on doing this to each other , I went to bed destroyed by the things she said to me yesterday and Ive woken up at five feeling the same way , I just want it all to stop , I want to stop thinking .
Hope you are looking after yourself Magic .:bighug1:
Buster this so called party is next year!!!!
A lot can happen between now and then.
It's also your partners party, not yours and she obviously needs something to focus on, especially as she suffers from depression.
Yeah, I get that you are not keen and there are a dozen excuses for you not being there and maybe she shouldn't have mentioned it to your old drinking buddies. But it seems she wants a bit of her life back how it use to be.
You've both changed and as a couple something has happened to you both in the process.
Maybe you shouldn't have jumped the gun and thought it through with how you were going to tackle it. You sure do have enough time.
It seems your partner needs people and you don't.
There are lots of couples like that.
I think you are gonna have to think about this. You could have even said you were planning to take her away or was organising a surprise yourself.
Your partner will only see at the moment, he's not interested and not realise how deeply it all affects you. x
Yes thank you Buster, I am trying my best to send you hugs. The damn things won't come up Keep going that's the main thing x
Hi , I know it makes no sense to overthink things that are so far ahead , I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, my anxiety issues make no sense to me , the way it will pan out is I overthink it , then I start to put it to the back of my mind then it gets brought up again ,repeat , I’ve gone through this a few times before over family do’s and once my partner gets the idea she will bring it up every day and want my opinion on things , the weird thing is she doesn’t really like people , she doesn’t see any of her old freinds just one woman off the street and she doesn’t see her by choice , she has fallen out with her sisters long ago and only talks to one brother , to make it even dafter I’m the social one who talks to everyone and anyone , I just don’t like them all in one place for several hours with no escape , I always need to know I can walk away .
writing it down makes it seem even more irrational but then that’s the nature of the beast .
Its what she wants I have no right to deny her it , I will go and I will worry myself sick for no good reason , nuts aren’t I ?
I’m still struggling with the new site Magic , things just disappear like magic , Magic .:doh:
So she has a go at you for your anxiety but then takes diazepam herself every day because..... she likes the taste of it? And is planning a big party despite her own anxiety and despite the fact that she falls out with people easily?
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