Feel myself slipping...again

[gradually_suddenly]

I have dealt with anxiety and depression on and off for about 10 yrs, with mostly good times, but 4-5 awful relapses in between.

My last relapse was exactly a year ago. I had moved abroad (I live in the middle east as an expat) and things were not good with my partner. I managed to get out of it with the help of fluoxetine and a good doctor. Stupidly, I came off the fluoxetine about 4 months after I felt well, rather than staying on it...

Fast forward to now. I have been very physically unwell for the past 4 months and towards the end of it I started to get really down about my health. I am under quite a lot of stress at work, I have also taken on a non work project to organise a huge event which is causing me stress. I am a lawyer and my job is very demanding. For the last few weeks I have noticed myself...slipping again. Feeling down, sudden tears, sudden lump in the throat, becoming withdrawn and not talking, having sick butterflies feeling in my stomach, not being able to wake up in the morning, not getting enjoyment out of it, wanting to go home and throw in the towel and crawl up and sleep. Then, starting to feel panic and fear about things, starting to obsess over my health.

I have also smoked on and off (light smoking, 1 or 2 a day, sometimes less and no smoking at all, sometimes don't smoke for a few months etc) and the past few months I have smoked. It is something I felt would calm me down. Suddenly this week, out of nowhere, I started to get an awful cancer fear.I noticed I was getting a cough (which to be honest, I have had before with smoking and it does go away when you stop). I now am becoming obsessed with googling it (and of course have stopped smoking now). How could I be so stupid. I am 28 and never smoked heavily or been a 'proper' smoker but now I am worried reading things like your lung cancer risk never goes back to normal, seeing photos of people my age who have got cancer, etc. Worried about damage to cells, starting off cancer, etc.

In the past, other health obsessions I have had are as follows:

-Weird head pains and funny feeling when I am speaking, like it is a struggle to form words = brain cancer/tumour (it was not, it was only anxiety)
-Odd sharp pains in my body - ALS or MS (it was not)
-One day a very odd knee pain that kept me up all night, thought it was a tumour or arthiritis (went to see a doctor, the pain went away and never came back)
-Twitching tongue - thought it was ALS or MS or parkinsons
-Cervical cancer (smear test was clear)
-AIDs, HIV (multiple rushed visits to sexual health clinic, test was of course negative)
-PREGNANCY! (have spent £100s on pregnancy tests always paranoid that I would somehow get pregnant (even though was pretty careful) - have actually never been pregnant once. Just to be clear, do not want a kid yet hence the fear.

The list goes on...

I hate having anxiety. I hate the fact that it sucks the joy out of everything I do. I hate the fact that I can be in the most beautiful place and not enjoy a bit of it, because of this dead weight dragging me down.

Sorry this is such a rambling post. Ever 30mins I am watching the sensation in my throat and lungs and thinking about smoking and throat/lung cancer. I am worried this fear will not go away until the cough goes away. I am 90% sure it is just a smokers cough that people get when quitting but the sinking, fearful feeling I get when I obsess over health issues just won't go away. I guess I just want to vent and have some assurance. I don't have anyone who I can talk to about this.

---------- Post added at 21:47 ---------- Previous post was at 21:45 ----------

Oh also, I am not taking any medication right now. A few days ago I brought my fluoxetine tablets to work with me intending to start taking them again, but I thought 'I will try to do it on my own, no more medication...' etc.

Looks like I might have to admit defeat. I have proven over and over again in the past 10 yrs that I cannot cope for more than a few months without taking medication. I don't know why I beat myself up about it but I have a horrible partner who makes me feel worse and tells me to 'come out of it alone' (i.e. without medication). He doesn't get it at all...

[Carys]

Hiyer,


You've talked about a lot here, many life issues. I am struck mostly by your last sentence , the 'horrible partner who doesn't get it and says to do it on your own'. This probably won't feel like the right time to be even thinking about your partner and life choices, but if at this stage when you are struggling hes being unsupportive and really doesn't get it'...then he will sadly never 'get it'.



You know what you need to do, and that is to start your medication again as it has worked for you in the past. Some people just NEED something, it is no different to a diabetic taking tablets for that condition, or some people just have physical differences in their subtle make-up of 'internal chemicals'(can't think of that right phrase lol) which means they need some help now and again.Its not a weakness, sadly your partner thinks it is a weakness which might be affecting your views on things - a doctor once told me that often anxious people are some of the strongest he knows. They keep going against the odds and struggle daily with things that really don't bother other people.



Smoking and lung cancer - nope - not at your age. The recorded incidents start older than you are now, BUT, now is the right time to quit before you are 30 as you can reverse things and heal your lungs. Well done you for taking that very brave and difficult step. To be honest, quitting smoking (and I did it 17 years ago or 16, can't recall) was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and that alone could be making you feel very jittery and anxious at the moment and cause all sorts of odd psychological disturbances. If you'd like to read about how the benefits accrue from quitting smoking, then read the following link. Remember its not just cancer that gets smokers, its other lung illnesses and heart disease.



https://whyquit.com/whyquit/A_Benefits_Time_Table.html

[gradually_suddenly]

Thank you so much. Weirdly, quitting is not difficult for me. I was smoking because I was bored, wanted a break from my office desk, because it momentarily calmed me down if a felt stressed, and it became a habit rather than an addiction. I am lucky that I have never had a problem stopping smoking if I put my mind to it, as I am aware some people struggle a great deal with quitting.

The truth is I am not happy with my partner. At all. He cheated on me over a year ago and I cannot forget about it. He also was not a good partner before that either. But I was weak, and when he is nice he is very nice, when he is horrible he is the worst. The fact is I felt like I could not cope alone without him. I know i have become dependent on someone who is makign me feel worse and I need to cut the ties but it is a 7 year relationship and he does love me. In fact, I actually took more on at work and outside work to distract myself from my unhappy relationship. I push it all down under the surface, hoping it will go away. But it doesn't and I am too scared to tell anyone IRL. I even had a CBT therapist a couple years ago and I never mentioned I was unhappy with my relationship, I was too embarrassed to tell her the shit I have tolerated over the years. Isn't that sad.

By the way, for anyone reading this, no judgement please...I have made some awful decisions and I am aware of how stupid my text above sounds. I am very lacking in self esteem and courage at the moment.

[Carys]

Ha, nobody makes judgements here ! Who hasn't made some 'bad choices' in life, I know I have. Everyone has their own issues here, it is an anonymous space where you can get opinions. It does sound like you are incredibly unhappy, and many many people stay in relationships like that as they are low in confidence, or feel that the alternatives are more frightening. There are people who stay in abusive relationships, and its not their fault, they just don't have the strength, or are scared to leave for whatever reason. It really sounds like this relationship does you no good at all, but then you are aware of that......




I know i have become dependent on someone who is makign me feel worse and I need to cut the tiesYou say you've told nobody IRL. I think you need to, to take that first step of admitting that things aren't right. This will give you some real life support and advice, and you won't feel so alone with your issues. Even one person, someone you really trust who will keep quiet about things and listen only. You know, and you feel it yourself, that you need some fairly large life-changes at some point as you are unhappy at home and unhappy at work by the sound of it. People can often 'get by' for a period of time if either work is ok and relationship isn't, or relationship is ok but work isn't. When both are off kilter its going to cause the major anxiety you are experiencing, as there is no respite. There is nothing any of us can do about past decisions in life, they are what they are, but the future we can change.

[Sparky16]

The snarky part of me would tell your partner that 'come out of it alone' means to ditch him. :winks: But my snappy comebacks may be one of the reasons I am single!

Seriously, he may love you, but it sounds like his presence in your life is more of a problem than an asset. You've heard of the dirt milkshake analogy, right? You can have the greatest milkshake, but if you put some mud in it, it's still a dirt milkshake no matter how good the rest of the ingredients were.

I know you are worried you can't cope alone without him, but if he influences you to give up a medication that helps you, maybe you will actually cope better without him.

[gradually_suddenly]

Thank you both for your words. It helps a lot. I am going back to the UK (where I am from) after christmas for a few months. I have told him I am going back for a few weeks, but I am considering not coming back at all or possibly staying there for longer and I want the space there to think alone (I will stay at my parent's place). I have actually also already resigned from my job (I can get by on just freelance work, which I thank god for). To be honest, half the reason I resigned is because I do not want to be trapped here with him. I want to have the ability to fly back and spend time in my home country if shit really hits the fan. If I could fly back right now I would but I have to serve my notice period out. Of course, I did not tell anyone this was the real reason I left...

I definitely fall into the category of women who stay in shitty relationships because they are scared of being alone. He has frequently told me nobody else would put up with my shit, my panic attacks, my depression. But to be honest I think he is right. He does put up with an awful lot from me. He helps to an extent (at the exact time it is happening) but generally the stress of being in a relationship with him, and the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I no longer respect or trust make me panic.

[Carys]

But my snappy comebacks may be one of the reasons I am single!


:roflmao:
You know, and I am only going from the few words you've written on this thread, people who are polemic in their actions and behaviours towards their partners do it often for a reason. It is about control. Good cop/bad cop unpredictability weakens people and makes them dependent and insecure.

[Sparky16]

That sounds like a great plan, Gradually. Once you are in back in the UK at your parents, it will be an opportunity to get some perspective apart from this person, and also easier to say that you've decided that it's time to part.

[Carys]

He has frequently told me nobody else would put up with my shit, my panic attacks, my depression.
Oh you posted at the same time as me, and I wrote something above about people who are controlling, and by the look of it I was right, after reading your second post.

What a complete wan*er. This belittling is about making you reliant, making you weaker, its the psychological stuff of bullies and abusers. I'm not saying, and don't know, if he is actually abusing you physically or how badly psychologically....but what you are saying here is exactly what someone would say who is damaging someone. You have done EXACTLY the right thing in the planning to leave, I admire your choice - it is strong and courageous. He is going to try to say things to you, to stop you by being ultra nice and tell you how he loves you so much. He will also say that 'you won't find anyone else'. He's wrong....so very very wrong !!! He doesn't love you 'gradually suddenly', it may look like he does, but he just doesn't. Nobody loves someone and treats them as he is you. This is going to be a new start, something really good can come out of this.

[pulisa]

I've got nothing but admiration for your decision, gradually suddenly.

Get rid of this controlling parasite. He's manipulative and toxic.

Once you are back in the UK you can assess how things are, mental-health-wise but I reckon this man's influence over you will have played its part in your physical and emotional symptoms.

[gradually_suddenly]

Thank you guys for your support. I am going to start taking my fluoxetine, and not make any decisions until after Christmas/ New Year. Hopefully by then I will be in a better place mentally ...

And still paranoid about the smoking/throat cancer/oral cancer.