gradually_suddenly
23-11-18, 20:47
I have dealt with anxiety and depression on and off for about 10 yrs, with mostly good times, but 4-5 awful relapses in between.
My last relapse was exactly a year ago. I had moved abroad (I live in the middle east as an expat) and things were not good with my partner. I managed to get out of it with the help of fluoxetine and a good doctor. Stupidly, I came off the fluoxetine about 4 months after I felt well, rather than staying on it...
Fast forward to now. I have been very physically unwell for the past 4 months and towards the end of it I started to get really down about my health. I am under quite a lot of stress at work, I have also taken on a non work project to organise a huge event which is causing me stress. I am a lawyer and my job is very demanding. For the last few weeks I have noticed myself...slipping again. Feeling down, sudden tears, sudden lump in the throat, becoming withdrawn and not talking, having sick butterflies feeling in my stomach, not being able to wake up in the morning, not getting enjoyment out of it, wanting to go home and throw in the towel and crawl up and sleep. Then, starting to feel panic and fear about things, starting to obsess over my health.
I have also smoked on and off (light smoking, 1 or 2 a day, sometimes less and no smoking at all, sometimes don't smoke for a few months etc) and the past few months I have smoked. It is something I felt would calm me down. Suddenly this week, out of nowhere, I started to get an awful cancer fear.I noticed I was getting a cough (which to be honest, I have had before with smoking and it does go away when you stop). I now am becoming obsessed with googling it (and of course have stopped smoking now). How could I be so stupid. I am 28 and never smoked heavily or been a 'proper' smoker but now I am worried reading things like your lung cancer risk never goes back to normal, seeing photos of people my age who have got cancer, etc. Worried about damage to cells, starting off cancer, etc.
In the past, other health obsessions I have had are as follows:
-Weird head pains and funny feeling when I am speaking, like it is a struggle to form words = brain cancer/tumour (it was not, it was only anxiety)
-Odd sharp pains in my body - ALS or MS (it was not)
-One day a very odd knee pain that kept me up all night, thought it was a tumour or arthiritis (went to see a doctor, the pain went away and never came back)
-Twitching tongue - thought it was ALS or MS or parkinsons
-Cervical cancer (smear test was clear)
-AIDs, HIV (multiple rushed visits to sexual health clinic, test was of course negative)
-PREGNANCY! (have spent £100s on pregnancy tests always paranoid that I would somehow get pregnant (even though was pretty careful) - have actually never been pregnant once. Just to be clear, do not want a kid yet hence the fear.
The list goes on...
I hate having anxiety. I hate the fact that it sucks the joy out of everything I do. I hate the fact that I can be in the most beautiful place and not enjoy a bit of it, because of this dead weight dragging me down.
Sorry this is such a rambling post. Ever 30mins I am watching the sensation in my throat and lungs and thinking about smoking and throat/lung cancer. I am worried this fear will not go away until the cough goes away. I am 90% sure it is just a smokers cough that people get when quitting but the sinking, fearful feeling I get when I obsess over health issues just won't go away. I guess I just want to vent and have some assurance. I don't have anyone who I can talk to about this.
---------- Post added at 21:47 ---------- Previous post was at 21:45 ----------
Oh also, I am not taking any medication right now. A few days ago I brought my fluoxetine tablets to work with me intending to start taking them again, but I thought 'I will try to do it on my own, no more medication...' etc.
Looks like I might have to admit defeat. I have proven over and over again in the past 10 yrs that I cannot cope for more than a few months without taking medication. I don't know why I beat myself up about it but I have a horrible partner who makes me feel worse and tells me to 'come out of it alone' (i.e. without medication). He doesn't get it at all...
My last relapse was exactly a year ago. I had moved abroad (I live in the middle east as an expat) and things were not good with my partner. I managed to get out of it with the help of fluoxetine and a good doctor. Stupidly, I came off the fluoxetine about 4 months after I felt well, rather than staying on it...
Fast forward to now. I have been very physically unwell for the past 4 months and towards the end of it I started to get really down about my health. I am under quite a lot of stress at work, I have also taken on a non work project to organise a huge event which is causing me stress. I am a lawyer and my job is very demanding. For the last few weeks I have noticed myself...slipping again. Feeling down, sudden tears, sudden lump in the throat, becoming withdrawn and not talking, having sick butterflies feeling in my stomach, not being able to wake up in the morning, not getting enjoyment out of it, wanting to go home and throw in the towel and crawl up and sleep. Then, starting to feel panic and fear about things, starting to obsess over my health.
I have also smoked on and off (light smoking, 1 or 2 a day, sometimes less and no smoking at all, sometimes don't smoke for a few months etc) and the past few months I have smoked. It is something I felt would calm me down. Suddenly this week, out of nowhere, I started to get an awful cancer fear.I noticed I was getting a cough (which to be honest, I have had before with smoking and it does go away when you stop). I now am becoming obsessed with googling it (and of course have stopped smoking now). How could I be so stupid. I am 28 and never smoked heavily or been a 'proper' smoker but now I am worried reading things like your lung cancer risk never goes back to normal, seeing photos of people my age who have got cancer, etc. Worried about damage to cells, starting off cancer, etc.
In the past, other health obsessions I have had are as follows:
-Weird head pains and funny feeling when I am speaking, like it is a struggle to form words = brain cancer/tumour (it was not, it was only anxiety)
-Odd sharp pains in my body - ALS or MS (it was not)
-One day a very odd knee pain that kept me up all night, thought it was a tumour or arthiritis (went to see a doctor, the pain went away and never came back)
-Twitching tongue - thought it was ALS or MS or parkinsons
-Cervical cancer (smear test was clear)
-AIDs, HIV (multiple rushed visits to sexual health clinic, test was of course negative)
-PREGNANCY! (have spent £100s on pregnancy tests always paranoid that I would somehow get pregnant (even though was pretty careful) - have actually never been pregnant once. Just to be clear, do not want a kid yet hence the fear.
The list goes on...
I hate having anxiety. I hate the fact that it sucks the joy out of everything I do. I hate the fact that I can be in the most beautiful place and not enjoy a bit of it, because of this dead weight dragging me down.
Sorry this is such a rambling post. Ever 30mins I am watching the sensation in my throat and lungs and thinking about smoking and throat/lung cancer. I am worried this fear will not go away until the cough goes away. I am 90% sure it is just a smokers cough that people get when quitting but the sinking, fearful feeling I get when I obsess over health issues just won't go away. I guess I just want to vent and have some assurance. I don't have anyone who I can talk to about this.
---------- Post added at 21:47 ---------- Previous post was at 21:45 ----------
Oh also, I am not taking any medication right now. A few days ago I brought my fluoxetine tablets to work with me intending to start taking them again, but I thought 'I will try to do it on my own, no more medication...' etc.
Looks like I might have to admit defeat. I have proven over and over again in the past 10 yrs that I cannot cope for more than a few months without taking medication. I don't know why I beat myself up about it but I have a horrible partner who makes me feel worse and tells me to 'come out of it alone' (i.e. without medication). He doesn't get it at all...