Would like your thoughts on my situation

[nikica22]

Hi all, would just like your thoughts on my situation.



I am a mid thirties male, single, never had a gf or dated. I am currently studying graduate school. Almost all of my study thus far has been online. Looking back, I can't believe how I've managed to make it all work considering my huge issues with anxiety.



I am not sure whether to continue with my studies.



I fear that once I get qualified, that I won't be able to perform the job like a normal person, it's very likely. My anxiety is so bad, so noticeable and so debilitating because of my symptoms. I'm a real mess. My remaining study will involve 2-3 weeks full time study on campus and a work placement full time for one year. The 2-3 weeks on campus will involve some role play, it's going to freak me out and as things stand right now, I'm certain that I'll fall apart and actually not be able to get through it because of overwhelming anxiety symptoms. The program itself is quite competitive to gain entry in to, even a healthy brain will be challenged trying to gain entry in to it. Completing this will get me qualified, give me a job that pays better than average but far from anything more. I'd be able to possibly work for myself. My hard work will have meant something.



My other alternative is to not continue grad school. I could potentially get a job, working night shift as a janitor full time. I'd be getting paid from day one. I am in a position where I could save a significant amount of money earnt, pretty much every cent I earn. The school route will take two years to complete with no financial gain in that period whatsoever and also no guarantee of a job once qualified. Working in this janitorial job for two years I'd be able to save a significant amount of money. This janitorial job is at night, which is as good as it gets for me. In terms of job security, not much with the janitorial position and no promotion etc which does not bother me. Will I be working as a janitor in 5 years time at the same place and have held on to my job with the current contractor, I'd hope so. I'm also going to have anxiety at this job too, no walk in the park here.



I just don't know what to do. I just accept my health condition and move on? I've recently come to realize that intelligence really isn't going to determine a whole lot in life. I have a friend who spent years repeating units at college and is not bothered by that, actually doing really well he is. I'm just not like other normal, average, healthy people. The way I react, respond, my sensitivity, is not suitable for this day and age.



I'm not getting any younger. Years are flying by. I'm not financially doing well in any regard, I'm not in any debt but I have no savings. Live hand to mouth. I have anxiety. So bad, that I can't communicate confidently and clearly, I always get shut down by loud people. My issues extend to all areas of my life. My dad doesn't think much of me. I'm a good person but sadly this is proven to the world through materialism, wish it was different.



I guess I'm desperate and living in fear regarding time running out and scared of where I'll end up.



Thx


Nik

[Carnation]

OK. Firstly the thing with anxiety is it can convince you that you are not capable of doing certain tasks.
This can misleading and mostly untrue.
You have to think what You want and choose.
I think the way you written already says what you would like to do, but confidence and anxiety is more the problem. Remember you can always change or pull out of anything, but don't let a good opportunity pass you by that you may regret and make your life feel worse in the long term.
Anxiety could be the same even if you take the easy option, so look at controlling that and not influence what you want to do.

[ankietyjoe]

Hi Nik

I wonder if it's worth you practising getting out and about more. Your online studying actually supports your anxiety as you are self confining. I have been exactly where you are (as have most people here) and quite often it's pushing boundaries that allow you to move away from those feelings of anxiety. My own anxiety was chronic and catastrophic, I could barely make it to the car some days and for a brief period, even answering my door or taking the rubbish out was just too much.

I would approach it from two angles though, it needs both practical application (go out and do something that makes you feel a little uncomfortable). For me this was going and doing the food shopping at a supermarket. The other angle would be a more cerebral approach. Look into CBT, meditation, mindfulness etc. A lot of anxiety is just habitual ways of thinking, not always...but very often it is.

If you leave your 'safe' place and break down, so what? What's the worst that can happen? You'll feel a bit shit, then you'll come home.

Whether you choose to pursue your study or become a night janitor (I would advise against working at night however), you still need to tackle the anxiety as it'll still be there.

Anxiety is 100% beatable, given the right mindset and practice.

[mark84]

Hey buddy,
you must be very highly qualified if you're in education still I assume?
What I'd suggest is talking things over with someone, three options that spring to mind are a careers guidance counsellor (called that here in the UK, unsure if it's the same state side, but most colleges and universities have one here?) a regular counsellor and in the short term how about your tutor, tell them how worried you are about the role play stuff :) I don't think your options should be the extremes that you're suggesting, between a janitor and a professional.

[Carnation]

I think Nikica is worried that if this opportunity is not taken, a janitor is what springs to mind putting more pressure and anxiety in to the equation.

[nikica22]

Thanks so much for ALL your replies, I've really taken what you've all said on board. Have bookmarked the thread so I can refer to it.
I really do need to leave my safe space, gradually.

Cheers

[Lissa101]

I had my first breakdown six mths before I started a PhD. I graduated my doctorate in 2017. I never told anyone about my anxieties and no-one would ever have guessed. My advice is this: you can do anything you put your mind to if you want it enough. The question you should be asking yourself is whether you would enjoy and be happy in your particular career path. I'm constantly in a mess over conferences/presentations/meetings ect. I love what I do so much but there are times I question why I'm putting myself through it. If you feel it's worth the stress then totally go for it! x