View Full Version : I feel dirty (sexual)
Hi i need help with this please. I feel guilt dirty and ashamed with my thoughts and behaviour when very drunk. Last wk i stayed at my uncle and aunts house for a party i was even saying to myself b4 i went don’t do anything stupid when your drunk like have ideas that your auntie might be up for it disgusting as it sounds. I was disgusted with the thoughts last time and still am. Thing is when i,m very drunk like most people i think differently that scares me. Anyway we all went to party went to after party i went home with uncle and aunts house i carries on drinking i could feel myself thinking differently about what ifs like i was hoping something would happen as they were arguing. When my uncle went to bed i stayed up auntie was walking about i went to bedroom to get unchanged for bed stripped down to boxers then sort of waited. I hate writing this. I then walked to kitchen (bungalow) to see if she was there and said are you allright then she obviously had a shock and sent me to bed which i did. I woke up next day everything was normal i mentioned about me walking about in my undies. Embarrassing. Now i can’t stop feeling disgusting about myself of the what ifs. It’s my auntie through marriage but that still doesn’t matter. Still wrong to think like that. I even messaged her to say sorry i was embarrassing walking about she said it doesn’t matter it doesn’t bother her. She obviously didn’t no what i was thinking i feel really guilty. I didn’t physically do anything or say anything but still feel ashamed of my actions and thoughts whilst very drunk. Please reply.
---------- Post added at 15:16 ---------- Previous post was at 12:28 ----------
Please advise i keep thinking i,m a dirty sexual predator for thinking like that and walking out in my undies. I no i was extremely drunk but i feel bad from it. I was dreading it before incase i did anything like that even though i don’t want to but why did i think it was still ok to think be still do it. My heads in bits.
---------- Post added at 15:17 ---------- Previous post was at 15:16 ----------
I feel i have let the family down and i feel i need to confess more and more.
Hiyer, I'm really sorry you've not had a reply yet - it must be making you much more anxious with nobody chiming in. You need to stop beating yourself up about this, NOTHING happened, nothing. A thought isn't an action, and sometimes we all have odd thoughts, intrusive thoughts and think things that are inappropriate. So, you walked in wearing your undies - big deal - you had them ON !!!! LOL Just dismiss this as a learning experience in life. (how old are you by the way, as if you are fairly young hormones being all over the shop can affect things like this ?) The fact you are so mortified about even having the thought shows the type of person you really are, you are no predator of any sort. Predators force themselves on people against their will, predators attempt sexual contact, predators lure people - none of which you did. As you said 'she doesn't even know what I was thinking' - nobody is any the wiser. I would cut out the alcohol, if you know it makes you do somewhat daft things LOL I hope somebody else can come along soon who can advise further.....
Thanks for oreply. I,m 42 �� but i may off hoped something would happen this is what is killing me. I no the alcohol is the Maine factor in this. I get the impression she just thought i just walked into the room because i was drunk. That’s what i keep doing is ruminating over the night of exactly what i was doing. Like i day nothing happened just i feel the guilt off even presuming something might or thinking it. Think it’s because if something did happen it would if cur the family in half from my stupid actions.
MyNameIsTerry
29-11-18, 18:35
Did you have these thoughts at a previous event with them? You seem to be saying you don't want them again and obviously that can mean placing importance on the thoughts and giving them an opportunity to be in your mind.
Lots of alcohol = we do silly things. If it's a problem, reassess your relationship with alcohol.
Of course you're not a sexual predator for the reasons Carys has explained. But if alcohol makes you act out of character it's worth deciding whether it's worth it.
Nothing happened other than perhaps being a bit inappropriate walking around in your boxers. That's subjective and dependant on the attitudes of all of you involved. However it's a minor thing even if they believed it to be inappropriate and something a sincere apology will resolve. If you all get on with each other and there are no reasons to be concerned with another's behaviour, like repeated inappropriate behaviour, then it will just be forgotten or taken with humour.
As for the thoughts of wanting something to happen, nothing did and you didn't push for something. We all get sexual thoughts and many of us about people we find attractive outside of our partners. Adding alcohol may make a kink seem more interesting but that doesn't mean it's anything more than fetishism.
Certainly in intrusive thoughts we can have sexual thoughts about inappropriate people. These differ to fetishism as in they are unwanted. But that doesn't imply a fetish about say someone off limits doesn't just provide stimulation and has to lead to an action.
If you don't like what happens when you get drunk the solution is to stop or greatly reduce drinking. Alcohol is fun but it isn't necessary to have a good time despite what pop culture wants to make you believe, and it isn't worth it if it causes physical, mental or emotional pain or problems.
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You did not do anything wrong so you should not feel guilty. Intrusive thoughts can make a person feel like they need to make sure they did nothing wrong, and feel like they have to confess everything. When I read your post, I can see that you did nothing wrong, and that you are suffering from intrusive thoughts and they are making you feel guilty. As the others here have commented, they also can see that you have done nothing wrong.
You even messaged her to apologise and she said she does not mind, which means she also can see you did nothing wrong.
Please accept you have done nothing wrong and put your thoughts to rest.
Thank you so much for your all replies means so much. Every time i worry like this it just feels so real. Basically i feel guilty for thinking how i was thinking that night sort of hoping something would happen. And guilt because i would be ashamed and hated for my actions. I get the impression she does maybe find it funny but i can’t read her mind. Obviously i do now need to think especially out out drinking is to calm it down. I even told my m and my wife that i was walking about in my undies. They just laughed but that was me trying offload my guilt. I will try and just think it was me being drunk and stupid and it won’t happen again. And control my drinking. Thanks people.
---------- Post added at 21:57 ---------- Previous post was at 19:54 ----------
To terry above. Last time was just silly thoughts not to worry about. But i feel guilty because i sort of acted out slightly under the influence.
---------- Post added at 23:59 ---------- Previous post was at 21:57 ----------
Think it’s because i feel guilty shame disgusting because it’s family so yo spk. Like i shouldn’t of thought that or even presumed it. Like now a thought canevyo my head then and now starting to panic again. When in my undies sorry about this. I noticed i was not erect i no that for sure. Sorry about this but i wasn’t cold but warm. If you no what i mean. More relaxed. Like to mention i wasn’t aroused. My mind keeps going over checking again and again. To see if i was. False memory. ?? Sorry about all this.
MyNameIsTerry
30-11-18, 01:40
Exactly, most people would think "drunken pillock" and have a laugh at you. The only difference here for you is that thoughts about whether you wanted to do something.
Please eliminate those checks, they will only keep the cycle going. You will never fully be able to re-experience the event and the doubtful mind will try to shoehorn in all sorts of "what ifs" so you keep analysing it, which is what it wants. Accept you made a mistake and move on.
In OCD it's rare to act on intrusive thoughts. What we do is react with compulsions which are aimed at reducing the anxiety, if possible, but more to prevent out fear coming true. If you took the alcohol out of the equation this would be another case of a standard cycle of an intrusive thought and unless you can say you went out in your boxers to try to make something happen, there is obviously no acting on anything in here. This element, the walking around in your boxers, in my opinion, is where the alcohol comes into play. It has distorted the normal cycle by perhaps you ending up doing something you would normally feel was inappropriate but this has also fed the fear that "what if" you might have? Alcohol blurs our boundaries and maybe we can do things we normally would stop or dismiss but I always believe it comes down to how serious something is e.g. you wouldn't get very drunk and act on intrusive harm based thoughts of sexual violence, etc but with something like attraction I think that's more about the non anxious side or a blurring of the two and the reason for that is the alcohol.
Thanks terry. I no for a fact it was the alcohol that played a major part in all of this. For me o was even worrying about it b4 i started drinking. Sometimes i think my actions were my subconscious mind testing me. I do need to move on from this and laugh it off but i do need to watch especially drinking to much like that. My auntie wasn’t shocked the next day as like she said wasn’t bothered when i txt to say i was embarrassed about it,i just feel guilty that i could of destroyed a great family relationship from me. I didn’t do anything and forvall she knows i was very drunk and wandering about in my boxers. Very drunk, we can laugh it off next time we all meet up again next yr. next time i will be staying at the hotel. This episode is like i,m back to my youth worrying and confessing absolutely everything to make sure i have explained every detail. Thanks
Homer - I bet you anything - from what you are saying here that your Aunty is literally wondering why you are so bothered by it. She is your Aunty and therefore seeing you in your boxers is kind of how families work isn't it? Its no different to being on the beach and in your swimming trunks.
I no buts it the guilt feeling from me for my thinking. I no when your that drunk you think everything is ok, it will be allright etc. But really it isn’t. I have learned especially the amount of drink i shouldn’t consume to be like that next time. It’s just the shame in it because it’s gamily.
Yep, lesson learnt with alcohol. :D For what its worth - I think you are actually a very moral and considerate person, thats why you are feeling such a level of guilt.
Thanks carys means a lot. Just hope there’s no outcome if she thought o was or tells other people. Or i should just laugh it off.
Nobody knows your thoughts, only you. Yes, of course laugh it off 'Ohh god, I'm so embarrased, at least I had my boxers on - ha ha!'- You drunk and appeared in your boxer shorts to find out if she was ok about an argument. I suspect nothing WILL be mentioned.
Ye me to but i no it’s just the shame of actually thinking of it. This wouldn’t of happened if o was sober . Yes and glad i didn’t take them off. Ha
---------- Post added at 15:17 ---------- Previous post was at 15:11 ----------
It’s like then just had another image flashback from last wk. And it makes me shudder with disgust but i no it will fade over time.
This wouldn’t of happened if o was sober
To me, that's the key. Frankly, there's nothing wrong with finding someone attractive. You obviously find this woman attractive and there's nothing wrong with that. She's not even related biologically :shrug: Where things went south for you is when you drank. As suggested by another member, curtailing or eliminating your alcohol consumption around her would be in order in the future.
Positive thoughts
Hi it’s nothing to do with attraction sorry. It’s mire to do with i was aware of it b4 i went (fearing) i will do something stupid. Maybe i was testing myself i don’t no. But it will definitely not happen again.
That was impression I got from your post. Why would you even have the thought otherwise? :shrug: Anyway... nothing happened and as you said, it won't happen again.
Positive thoughts
Sorry, I got that impression too from the start, that you found her attractive.
MyNameIsTerry
30-11-18, 16:54
I'm glad you're said there is no attraction as this makes it much clearer for me. This leaves me thinking either self sabotage or alcohol causing you to act out of character. But it's clear you worry the alcohol will lead to something and maybe there is a element of self sabotage in knowing it may go there? Alcohol may be a catalyst. It may even be you can change this thinking and find alcohol doesn't become a catalyst, once you've dealt with whatever is causing this thinking.
There is obviously all the usual negative thinking that covers the lead up to the event and the later obsessing & berating.
And you've got a previous drunken event which you told us about in another thread ages ago that may be on your mind.
You have always come across as struggling with what you perceive others may think of you. Self sabotage can be a way to trigger a cycle or react to a trigger in order to keep a cycle going.
Good stuff above from Terry.
Sorry i wasn’t clear. Self sabotage what does that mean terry i think i can sort of understand what you mean. It’s correct i do worry about what other people think and as for the alcohol i do tend to have bad anxiety because of my actions. I have been saying to myself to cut the exstreme drinking whilst out socially. I maybe do that for self confidence.
The best example of self-sabotage is a HA sufferer Googling symptoms when they know damn well they shouldn't as it only makes things worse.
You worry about what others think and what you may do or say while drinking yet do it anyway. Your reason about self confidence is no different that the HAer Googling for reassurance.
Positive thoughts
Think best way is cut down the extreme drinking when out. And to try and just laugh things away. Rather than stew over and over. Will be hard but go to try it at leases
MyNameIsTerry
01-12-18, 18:57
Sorry i wasn’t clear. Self sabotage what does that mean terry i think i can sort of understand what you mean. It’s correct i do worry about what other people think and as for the alcohol i do tend to have bad anxiety because of my actions. I have been saying to myself to cut the exstreme drinking whilst out socially. I maybe do that for self confidence.
Whether it's about self esteem and not feeling good enough for a partner leading to actions that attempt to make something occur that may create a reaction that feeds that negative thought process e.g. risk a relationship through creating a reason to encourage a partner to consider ending it.
That's one way to consider it. Another is simply trying to punish yourself by bringing on the later depression of failing in some way.
It does seem i did bring it on subconsciously. Almost like i was wanting to punish myself by creating a new worry. Which it did.
The amount of people i have told regarding my behaviour whilst drunk at my uncle and aunts house. It’s a lot. I can tell i,m doing for there reaction or confessing, and then observing my feelings. I suppose that’s my compulsion regarding this worry. Just thought i,d share this. Thanks
You're a man. That's that. To put it bluntly it's in our blood to want to **** everythings that moves. The only thing that seperates us from savages is that we control these urges.
Im a happily married man. And i to think about having sex with other people yet i dont act on it. And that doesnt mean im a sexual deviant.
Youre just stressed. You need to get laid or get yourself a girl asap. Its just all that sexual tension.
Hi again i did repost this in ocd. But i can tell i am panicking more than obsessing even though it hasn’t left my mind since Monday. Come from a trigger on tv regarding an uncle that molested and killed his niece, then boom the thoughts came in that i wanted to ( shag ) my auntie.. that feels horrible writing that. I keep ruminating over and over if how i was thinking that night trying visualise my actions and thoughts. And keeps making me feel really depressed and dirty, twice i have been back up in Scotland twice not stayed at there house last time 2 wks she did say. Why you no staying at mine. We always feel welcome up there. To be honest i wasn’t feeling like this these past 2 times not at all maybe a bit guilty but not that bad. Not like now thinking that i keep thinking i did want something to happen and thinking that i walked out in boxers so she can see my bulge. And i feel like it’s incest. All these thoughts and trying to go over and over my thinking. Even though nothing happened. Would i have done something if she wanted. Was i trying to see if she did. Sorry about this but as you can tell it’s really bothering me.
I even googled what’s incest, my auntie not blood. But still feel like a dirty so and so for even thinking about it or maybe wanting something to happen. When in a drunken stupor. Like i said i have been up twice in the last yr with no problems just me in my mind a little guilty. I really need reassurance as you can see. Thanks.
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