View Full Version : *** talk of death ***
Hi everyone.
Haven’t been on for while been doing really well with my health anxiety
My mum passed away just shy of two weeks ago. She was an alcoholic. She had been in and out of hospital for years and still wouldn’t give up the alcohol. I tried numerous times to get her into rehab. Begged and begged her to stop and nothing would make her stop.
She was also an anorexic and had alcoholic dementia. I knew this time was different I just had a feeling, she had been in for 4 days and on the Monday night I went to visit her and she looked horrendous. She was in so much pain and because her blood pressure was so low they couldn’t give her anything strong for the pain.
In the Tuesday morning got a phone call and they said that I needed to go up along with other close family memebers that should be there. She had been moved wards and was in intensive care. When I saw her I knew that she wasn’t coming home. Her blood pressure was extremely low. And she was hooked up to 12 different machines and drips. How can something like that happen over night??
She was highly dosed up on something that made her sleepy so wasn’t awake. Only now and then she would wake up totally terrified and in absolute agony until they upped the medicine.
After about 5 hours of me being there, they sat me down and told me that they suspected that my mum had a blood clot by her liver, her blood pressure was still dropping despite being on the highest dose medicine possible, and she was going into multiple organ failure.
I stayed with her until 3am the next morning when they told me and my sister that nothing more could be done and she probably wouldn’t survive. She had a 50/50 chance when we first arrived. And it was now 20/80 percent chance. The doctors decided to turn off all the machines which I didn’t want to happen as there was still a 20% chance she was going to survive. I misunderstood what he was saying and he basically meant even if she did survive (20%) she would have no quality of life.
As soon as they turned the machines off her blood pressure dropped even further and without the oxygen she was struggling to breath. And with all the medicine alsonturned off she woke up in agony and looked absolutely terrified. They gave her a shot of something and she calmed right down again and I just held her hand whilst she was staring in my eyes. No facial expressions nothing. I decided to sing her favourite song (sweet child o mine) and she squeezed my hand and gave me a smile. 2 minutes later she passed away.
I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life and almost two weeks on all I can see is my mums face. Even though she was at peace finally and in no more pain. It’s haunting me. I love my mum so much and I miss her so much it physically hurts.
I feel so guilty that I should t have let them turn it all off and I feel so guilty that I could have helped her more. Even though I thought I did everything possible.
I lost my beautiful mum and she was only 53!!!!
Everyone left me to sort EVERYTHING out after she passed andbit kept me busy but these past few days it feels like I’ve been hit by a bus.
I went to see her at the chapel of rest today and what I saw terrified me. Even though she looked like my mum, it was the face from the hospital but more haunting.
I’m so angry at myself because in the days leading up to my mums death I got frustrated with her cause she was being so horrible to me, and thinking back now it wasn’t her. It was the alcoholism and the alcoholic dementia making her like that. Before the alcoholic dementia started to kick in. She was the most amazing perfect mum. I just wish she tried harder for me to stop.
My sister, my Nan (her mum) and everyone else in the family stopped the contactbwith her months before her death. But I was there ringing her every day seeing her all the time. Taking her where she needed to go. Hospital visits etc. And no one else did one single thing.
I just want my mum back and I don’t know how I’m going to do this without her.
Sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this but I’ve never experienced anything like this before and I don’t know who else to talk too
AMomentofClarity
04-12-18, 21:40
First of all I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s a very difficult situation to have to go through..
It sounds like you did an absolutely amazing job of being there for her, all the way until the end. I know it’s extremely hard to accept, but it sounds like you did everything you could, even when other family members had pushed her away. Your strength and kindness are highly commendable, and hopefully you’re getting some support from other friends and family close to you.
This sounds like an absolutely horrific experience for you, and one which you were so strong throughout, both before and after her death (with your family being less than supportive to say the least !). You bear no guilt for anything that has happened - adults make their own life choices and sadly when they are tied into addiction to this extent those choices are tragic to witness. These are very early days for you, and a lot of grief and processing is going to be needed. How you are feeling now won't be how you feel in the future, though a death in this way sounds absolutely traumatic for those left behind, and you will start to remember the happy and peaceful times with your beloved Mum. I just don't know what else to say - but I am so very sorry you've had to experience this at a relatively young age, and lose your Mum at her relatively young age. Do keep talking to us here, we will do our best to 'listen'.
Duchesskitty
04-12-18, 21:59
I’m so sorry for your loss Bingjam. Know that you did all you could, I’m sure your mum knew you were there and how much you loved her. You obviously took on a lot of the work in caring for her in the later stages of her life and I can only imagine how stressful that was on top of everything.
Can I suggest you contact Cruse Bereavement care as well as being on here to give you some specialist support as you’ve been through a lot? Al-anon are also a great support to families of those with alcohol issues.
I hope you don’t mind me suggesting this: nmp is an awesome site with a lovely community but sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone in person or over the phone.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts xx
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have just faced something truly devastating and it sounds like you faced it largely alone. You must be reeling and in total shock. But when your mum needed you, you were there. You didn’t waiver. And she died while you sang her favourite song. I hope one day these things will bring you comfort.
I also hope you have lots of support round you right now - you need it
I have never been through the loss of someone close, but what you are describing is that I have heard people say--- for awhile after, all you can see is images and memories of the death, and it takes some time to get back to a point of being able to remember your loved one during better times. You will get there, but it has only been 2 weeks, and that is almost no time at all.
FWIW, I think it is good that her machines were turned off, and you should find a way to release any guilt you feel. Our medical system lets people linger far too long in a state where there is no quality of life. I am so sorry that you had to see her fear, as that is a bitter pill, but you were with her at the end, and did everything you could to let her know you love her.
I'm so sorry to hear this :weep:
I experienced a similar thing nearly two years ago. My mom passed on New Year's day 2016. Between her age, dementia and cancer, we said our goodbyes. She was heavily sedated and unaware. When she did stir and open her eyes, it was apparent she didn't know what was happening. They just upped her meds and she passed peacefully in her sleep. It was the same as my sister and I decided for no more intervention.
I know how you feel but you did the best thing for her. There will be many emotions bombarding you for a while. It's natural. With the two year anniversary of my mother's death, thoughts of her flood my mind. I truly understand. Time will heal all I assure you. Don't be hard on yourself and take things one day at a time.
Positive thoughts and peace
I'm sorry for your loss.. Take care of yourself. I don't know what else to say. Big hugs!
Just wanted to say to you I am thinking of you at such a sad time. If you ever need to talk just send me a message. Love and hugs to you.xx
MyNameIsTerry
05-12-18, 04:57
I'm really sorry to here about you losing your mum. :hugs::flowers:
I count myself very lucky not to have gone through many of the traumas I read about here and because of that I can't know how hard this must be to go through. But if you need to talk, chat or just vent the forum is here for you.
When you held her hand and sang her favourite song you obviously got through to some part of her for her to smile. She knew you were there and it brought her comfort. That's one of the most important things we can surely do when someone is suffering like this.
You did everything you could. We have to trust the doctors to do things we wish we could ourselves. If someone is in so much pain letting them go with dignity out of love is every bit as much as fighting to keep someone alive at all costs. Both take a strength and the courage to do what it right for the other person rather than what we would want ourselves.
Grieving is so powerful it will unbalance your emotions greatly. That may mean your anxiety increases for a time but remember you've gone through one of the hardest things in life we ever can so it is to be expected and time will calm that anxiety down. Don't feel guilty for feeling things, it's better we push through than keep it in and suffer. And it doesn't mean you don't care if you end up focussing on anxiety for a bit, it's not selfish when everything you are feeling is about your mum.
Halfway-to-nowhere
05-12-18, 06:53
Hello Bingjam,
Reading about what happened was hard enough, but for you this is your experience. A very painful and heartbreaking one. I so understand all the complicated emotions you are feeling. My son fought addictions for years, he conquered drugs but not alcohol, I didn't realize it had gotten so bad until after. After he took his life. I was beyond devasted, I was haunted by every moment leading to that act, to him being alone, to me not being there, for not seeing it coming. I was guilt ridden and extremely broken, it's taken me a long time to get through this.
You couldn't have been a better daughter, you didn't turn your back on the insanity of addiction, you comforted her and you were there for her, you sound like a beautiful woman of integrity to me. Yes it will take time for these images to fade, but what I realized is that I needed to release the haunting thoughts of his pain and his horrible decision and see him being in peace and being released. If I kept thinking of him in pain it was like I was holding him there, do you know what I mean?
My son Corey was a beautiful person, giving and kind, but alcohol addiction is a terrible thing to big for some to fight. I also lost my ex husband to this too before he was fifty. My son was 37.
I found walking on the beach watching the waves make patterns on the sand incredibly soothing as if something made sense when nothing else did. I hope you can find ways to help yourself cope with this heartbreak. It's an incredible amount of pain to carry 24 hours a day, and you are alone too, just as I was.
This kind of pain dealt with alone and without support can lead to a very black depression, it did for me. Don't let that happen, you deserve all the beauty of life and happiness to. You're an incredible daughter and I'll adopt you in a second.
Hugs to you.
Susan
MyNameIsTerry
05-12-18, 08:06
Hello Bingjam,
Reading about what happened was hard enough, but for you this is your experience. A very painful and heartbreaking one. I so understand all the complicated emotions you are feeling. My son fought addictions for years, he conquered drugs but not alcohol, I didn't realize it had gotten so bad until after. After he took his life. I was beyond devasted, I was haunted by every moment leading to that act, to him being alone, to me not being there, for not seeing it coming. I was guilt ridden and extremely broken, it's taken me a long time to get through this.
You couldn't have been a better daughter, you didn't turn your back on the insanity of addiction, you comforted her and you were there for her, you sound like a beautiful woman of integrity to me. Yes it will take time for these images to fade, but what I realized is that I needed to release the haunting thoughts of his pain and his horrible decision and see him being in peace and being released. If I kept thinking of him in pain it was like I was holding him there, do you know what I mean?
My son Corey was a beautiful person, giving and kind, but alcohol addiction is a terrible thing to big for some to fight. I also lost my ex husband to this too before he was fifty. My son was 37.
I found walking on the beach watching the waves make patterns on the sand incredibly soothing as if something made sense when nothing else did. I hope you can find ways to help yourself cope with this heartbreak. It's an incredible amount of pain to carry 24 hours a day, and you are alone too, just as I was.
This kind of pain dealt with alone and without support can lead to a very black depression, it did for me. Don't let that happen, you deserve all the beauty of life and happiness to. You're an incredible daughter and I'll adopt you in a second.
Hugs to you.
Susan
:welcome: to NMP, Susan. You've had some seriously tough times of your own so here's one for you :hugs:
There are a fair few members (sadly) who have lost parents, siblings, children on here so I'm sure they will understand. I'm sure they will offer support if you need it too.
I’m sorry for your loss too. My mum died in hospital after having an enlarged heart for many years. I was at the hospital visiting her until 9.30 pm the night before she died. She died 5 hours after I left. I was overcome with grief and guilt. Guilt that I had left when I did that night. It took many years before I could allow myself to remember that night. Like you everytime I pictured her face I was filled with overwhelming grief. I can think about that night now and take solace in the fact that when I left mum she was very ill but No one thought she was going to die that night. I had been sitting with her and we had been talking for hours before I left. Your grief will lessen with time. At least you were with your mum when she died and she didn’t have to die alone.
Hello Bingjam,
Reading about what happened was hard enough, but for you this is your experience. A very painful and heartbreaking one. I so understand all the complicated emotions you are feeling. My son fought addictions for years, he conquered drugs but not alcohol, I didn't realize it had gotten so bad until after. After he took his life. I was beyond devasted, I was haunted by every moment leading to that act, to him being alone, to me not being there, for not seeing it coming. I was guilt ridden and extremely broken, it's taken me a long time to get through this.
You couldn't have been a better daughter, you didn't turn your back on the insanity of addiction, you comforted her and you were there for her, you sound like a beautiful woman of integrity to me. Yes it will take time for these images to fade, but what I realized is that I needed to release the haunting thoughts of his pain and his horrible decision and see him being in peace and being released. If I kept thinking of him in pain it was like I was holding him there, do you know what I mean?
My son Corey was a beautiful person, giving and kind, but alcohol addiction is a terrible thing to big for some to fight. I also lost my ex husband to this too before he was fifty. My son was 37.
I found walking on the beach watching the waves make patterns on the sand incredibly soothing as if something made sense when nothing else did. I hope you can find ways to help yourself cope with this heartbreak. It's an incredible amount of pain to carry 24 hours a day, and you are alone too, just as I was.
This kind of pain dealt with alone and without support can lead to a very black depression, it did for me. Don't let that happen, you deserve all the beauty of life and happiness to. You're an incredible daughter and I'll adopt you in a second.
Hugs to you.
Susan
What beautiful sentiments- tears in my eyes reading this. I hope you, too, find some peace halfway-to-nowhere
Halfway to nowhere. Your reply really touched me I’m so so sorry about the loss of your son.
And thank you all who else replied too.
It’s been 4 and a half weeks now. I’m strugggling more everyday. My heart hurts so much, I’m so angry and I’m always crying. Every thought I have is of my mum. I love her so much but I’m so angry she didn’t try harder for me.
I went to see her at the chapel of rest 2 weeks ago. Hoping her face would be more peaceful than the face that still haunts me but she didn’t. It was 2 weeks after she passed away and she looked very gaunt and now I have two faces of my mum in my head.
Her funeral was last Wednesday. It was a beautiful service. Absolutly beautiful.
Your never prepared for when you lose a parent. I never would imagined it feeling like this. It’s like my heart is actually broken. I still feel the guilt that I should have done more. And put up more of a fight with the doctors to keep the machines on longer.
I keep hoping she will come through to me but she hasn’t I just want to know she’s ok. I have my mums ashes at home and everyone wants to scatter her ashes on her birthday in January. But I’m not ready to let her go. However much I want her to be free I want her to stay with me forever.
When does this pain and sadness get easier. I can’t breath with the amount I am missing her. I just feel drained and I really want my mum back
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.