CaliGuy
07-12-18, 18:45
Hi all,
Just touching base to ask a very specific question and guage if you'e experienced this and how you go about moving through it.
(Skip down to "The Issue" if you prefer to skip my quick intro to the question.)
I've had stress disorder/panic/anxiety for many years and made great improvement. Medication wasn't for me so it's all been organic, real improvement. That comes with ups and downs of course, but generally very fulfulling. So I'm very knowledgeable about how to approach things most of the times. I don't worry that my headaches are tumors or that my other strange feelings are xyz-disease. I get it. I'm on board with how the central nervous system works and what a bluff all of this is. That said, I do often have one thing that it keeps coming back to... and it makes me wonder if I'm different than others in how I expreience most of this. So I'm curoius if any others can relate and how you've approached this particular aspect...
The Issue: The worst parts of my "version" of anxiety/panic disorder are not situational.
I go to bed feeling great, and I wake up in a dark, fearful place of suffering. Sometimes it seems as if dreams through the night dictate this. Vivid dreams, sometimes disturbing but sometimes even seemingly fairly benign or just frustrating.
So, the worst of times for me... are based on nothing! They just come. That dark place, usually out of waking... can roll through the morning. It can be pure continous panic... for no specific reason.
I have a great life! There is truly very little wrong in my life aside from the obvious. (This condition.) And even that.. I've workd very hard to practice acceptance to allow the storms to pass... and they always do.
But they do seem to rotate back in, cycle back around and return - and sometimes as bad as the early days.
When I hear so many people here and elsewhere speak of their condition... they speak of "things" or "places" or "diseases" or other things they fear, think they have or want to overcome. Sometimes it's things as clear as being afraid of their work or going to the market. Not to say those thigns are easy... but they are at least clear and apparent.
My suffering.... just comes.... and it's just suffering. There's no "thing."
And eventually it lifts. But, it's almost always out of the blue or out of a sleep waking.
It's like I have the END result of suffering... without the things that should have led up to it. Like... I'm just fearfully depressed (for example) - it's a dark cloud or mood. Or maybe just rampant fear, but for no reason. It's totally free floating.
Now, sometimes it'll try to attach itself to things. Example: I'll wake up dark and fearful and my brain will then look for a "scary" thing in my life like a business meeting or something. But, I know it's not that. Because I wasn't even thinking of it befor bed.
In other words - I have the feelings and emotions of fear, darkness, depression and suffering (some mix) .... but only the RESULT. Imagine laughing without hearing a joke. Crying without anything sad. Feeling full without eating.
Even though I've lived safely for years with this coming and going, I do wonder how others experience this.
Am I alone in this experience?
Thank you for your thoughts, input and time.
Just touching base to ask a very specific question and guage if you'e experienced this and how you go about moving through it.
(Skip down to "The Issue" if you prefer to skip my quick intro to the question.)
I've had stress disorder/panic/anxiety for many years and made great improvement. Medication wasn't for me so it's all been organic, real improvement. That comes with ups and downs of course, but generally very fulfulling. So I'm very knowledgeable about how to approach things most of the times. I don't worry that my headaches are tumors or that my other strange feelings are xyz-disease. I get it. I'm on board with how the central nervous system works and what a bluff all of this is. That said, I do often have one thing that it keeps coming back to... and it makes me wonder if I'm different than others in how I expreience most of this. So I'm curoius if any others can relate and how you've approached this particular aspect...
The Issue: The worst parts of my "version" of anxiety/panic disorder are not situational.
I go to bed feeling great, and I wake up in a dark, fearful place of suffering. Sometimes it seems as if dreams through the night dictate this. Vivid dreams, sometimes disturbing but sometimes even seemingly fairly benign or just frustrating.
So, the worst of times for me... are based on nothing! They just come. That dark place, usually out of waking... can roll through the morning. It can be pure continous panic... for no specific reason.
I have a great life! There is truly very little wrong in my life aside from the obvious. (This condition.) And even that.. I've workd very hard to practice acceptance to allow the storms to pass... and they always do.
But they do seem to rotate back in, cycle back around and return - and sometimes as bad as the early days.
When I hear so many people here and elsewhere speak of their condition... they speak of "things" or "places" or "diseases" or other things they fear, think they have or want to overcome. Sometimes it's things as clear as being afraid of their work or going to the market. Not to say those thigns are easy... but they are at least clear and apparent.
My suffering.... just comes.... and it's just suffering. There's no "thing."
And eventually it lifts. But, it's almost always out of the blue or out of a sleep waking.
It's like I have the END result of suffering... without the things that should have led up to it. Like... I'm just fearfully depressed (for example) - it's a dark cloud or mood. Or maybe just rampant fear, but for no reason. It's totally free floating.
Now, sometimes it'll try to attach itself to things. Example: I'll wake up dark and fearful and my brain will then look for a "scary" thing in my life like a business meeting or something. But, I know it's not that. Because I wasn't even thinking of it befor bed.
In other words - I have the feelings and emotions of fear, darkness, depression and suffering (some mix) .... but only the RESULT. Imagine laughing without hearing a joke. Crying without anything sad. Feeling full without eating.
Even though I've lived safely for years with this coming and going, I do wonder how others experience this.
Am I alone in this experience?
Thank you for your thoughts, input and time.