anon23
17-12-18, 20:11
Hi all!
Thanks again to anyone who takes the time to read and/or respond.
I don’t even know where to start but to summarise, I’m feeling really down on myself and I’m scared.
I’m in my mid 20s and have had anxiety since I was a child. My anxiety has manifested itself in every form possible...from separation anxiety, to OCD (both physical and mental), to just generalised every day searching to find something to worry about.
I have had ups and downs in regards to how I manage it, and overall I must admit I feel like I’ve persevered in my 20s and have managed to remain optimistic, but lately, I feel like I have lost all the progress I have made.
I feel like such a shitty human being, I don’t really love myself, and I’m constantly in this state of mind where I don’t think I deserve happiness because of all the mistakes I have made in my life, mainly during my childhood/early teenage years (from sexual experimentation with a sibling to lying a lot). I didn’t know better at the time but I hate myself for not knowing better and for behaving in ways that so go against who I am, I have gone to therapy and my therapist did help me see that this was part of growing up, yet I can’t let go of all of it.
I feel like I’m some weird freak who is not deserving of love or happiness, and no matter how many wonderful friends I have and the loving partner I have who I have told all about this to and who reassures me that it’s okay, I am still looking for a reason to not live my life to the fullest and let myself feel joy and peace of mind.
Additionally, in the past few weeks, I have a had a friend not return any of my texts and I can’t help but think they are upset at me even though I know there is no logical reason. They could have something going on in their own lives or are super busy, but I don’t know and the uncertainty is really getting to me.
I’m trying my best to keep my head up each day but I’m really scared and I don’t like opening up about this to anyone because I don’t want to have to face how unhappy I am with myself at the moment.
I’m sorry if none of this makes any sense, I just needed to write this in a space that feels safe and non-judgmental.
Thanks again to anyone who takes the time to read and/or respond.
I don’t even know where to start but to summarise, I’m feeling really down on myself and I’m scared.
I’m in my mid 20s and have had anxiety since I was a child. My anxiety has manifested itself in every form possible...from separation anxiety, to OCD (both physical and mental), to just generalised every day searching to find something to worry about.
I have had ups and downs in regards to how I manage it, and overall I must admit I feel like I’ve persevered in my 20s and have managed to remain optimistic, but lately, I feel like I have lost all the progress I have made.
I feel like such a shitty human being, I don’t really love myself, and I’m constantly in this state of mind where I don’t think I deserve happiness because of all the mistakes I have made in my life, mainly during my childhood/early teenage years (from sexual experimentation with a sibling to lying a lot). I didn’t know better at the time but I hate myself for not knowing better and for behaving in ways that so go against who I am, I have gone to therapy and my therapist did help me see that this was part of growing up, yet I can’t let go of all of it.
I feel like I’m some weird freak who is not deserving of love or happiness, and no matter how many wonderful friends I have and the loving partner I have who I have told all about this to and who reassures me that it’s okay, I am still looking for a reason to not live my life to the fullest and let myself feel joy and peace of mind.
Additionally, in the past few weeks, I have a had a friend not return any of my texts and I can’t help but think they are upset at me even though I know there is no logical reason. They could have something going on in their own lives or are super busy, but I don’t know and the uncertainty is really getting to me.
I’m trying my best to keep my head up each day but I’m really scared and I don’t like opening up about this to anyone because I don’t want to have to face how unhappy I am with myself at the moment.
I’m sorry if none of this makes any sense, I just needed to write this in a space that feels safe and non-judgmental.