Oh man, I failed hard today...(disease trigger warn)

[Shadowhawk]

I am sure other people can commiserate, so I just needed to talk to SOMEONE about this (since I am literally all alone right now..).

Cutting out a long story, I was divorced at the start of the year, and my ex has moved out then. Before this, there was an affair (her), which was bad enough, but thanks to other real medical issues, including an HIV swab and full Hep panel... All negative of course.

But, wouldn't you know it, a commercial on the radio came on pressing the importance of STD screening is, and how disease like HIV and syphilis can spread without you knowing it. Well, that was enough to start a nasty cascade. The bug was planted in my mind, and at me until I got home. There was my first failure.. I broke the cardinal rule to never google. But I did, and remembered how nasty this bug is, and got to wondering if I/we could had these symptoms without realizing it. I know I have never had a sorry down there, but could I have had anything on my mouth? My mind really got going there. Could I ahve ever had a rash I dismissed?

Now, to make things worse, I am horribly impatient.. problems can't wait to be fixed, and I can't wait to find out if there is a problem. So, remembering that there are lab that will do tests without orders, I went to bed with the plan on going first thing. And of course, I went this morning, and was the first in line for a draw. Got it over with, and was on my way. All set and done, right? Yeahhhhh.. no. Another OTHER big problem, is I am REALLY bad at letting go of things.

So, through the morning, I was feeling good knowing that I would have an answer in a few days. But I am relentless, and kept reading, and things went from bad to worse. I read that in later stages, the initial test may not actually show positive, allowing it to be missed. So I went from worried to full on panic attack. More searching, and I found another way to get the conclusive test.. so, in a mad panic, I found a lab open, made the order, and got drawn. I am ashamed to admit I was driving across town like a madman to make the lab deadline..

And now here I am.. waiting nervously on two tests, because I allowed my mind to run away with me. I am scared to death of death, and going like that sounds like no picnic. And while I have no clinical reason to think I have it, because I don't know FOR SURE, the anxiety and panic takes over with ease.. I feel like Batman in B vs S .. " If there is even a one percent chance, then we have to take it as an absolute certainty". I know it's stupid, I know it's irrational, and I know my counselor will head slap me..

Anyway, like I said, being literally all alone in the house this holiday season, I just needed to vent and talk. Thanks for listening..

[AMomentofClarity]

I’m confused by the “Trigger Warning”.....

This appears to be just another thread among thousands that involve of someone worrying about a disease they don’t have. Add in media/Google perpetuating the fear and it all seems pretty standard for this site.

[Shadowhawk]

Eh.. just being too paranoid. I don't want somebody else tripping up and getting on the " I did this once but have no symptoms and could be me" train.

I know it's all pointless.. just seemed appropriate at the time. Right now I am just plummeting emotionally.. swinging from the manic of the panic attack to the low if depression. I can just hear the doctor say I have it, and I have left it untreated for so long it has already damaged my mind and I will go mad (madder that is). I already have a fear of being nuts, this just adds to it.

I would never wish my mental state on anyone.. this mix of weapons grade catastrophic thinking, maddening impatience, and ocd just makes for a nightmare to live with....

[bin tenn]

You've been tested. You're good to go.

[Shadowhawk]

You've been tested. You're good to go.

No, I did both tests today.. I have no clue if I am good

[AMomentofClarity]

Eh.. just being too paranoid. I don't want somebody else tripping up and getting on the " I did this once but have no symptoms and could be me" train.

I know it's all pointless.. just seemed appropriate at the time. Right now I am just plummeting emotionally.. swinging from the manic of the panic attack to the low if depression. I can just hear the doctor say I have it, and I have left it untreated for so long it has already damaged my mind and I will go mad (madder that is). I already have a fear of being nuts, this just adds to it.

I would never wish my mental state on anyone.. this mix of weapons grade catastrophic thinking, maddening impatience, and ocd just makes for a nightmare to live with....

I hear you, and that really sucks about your wife. At the end of the day, it’s extremely hard for HIV to be passed f to m. Most anything else is curable or at least treatable. Most likely you’re fine anyway. Try not to spiral over it.

[Shadowhawk]

I hear you, and that really sucks about your wife. At the end of the day, it’s extremely hard for HIV to be passed f to m. Most anything else is curable or at least treatable. Most likely you’re fine anyway. Try not to spiral over it.

... Except it's syphilis, not HIV I am worrying about.
Looking back, I can see I was as clear as mud on that one. My bad.

Basically, I am freaking out that I got syphilis, didn't see the first two stages,band now my brain (what is left of it) will be toast..

[NancyW]

I broke the cardinal rule to never google.

But I am relentless, and kept reading

How'd that work for you?

...and you KNEW better. :doh:

You've got test results to wait for, there's nothing we can say to UNgoogle your brain. You did this to yourself.

[Shadowhawk]

How'd that work for you?

...and you KNEW better. :doh:

You've got test results to wait for, there's nothing we can say to UNgoogle your brain. You did this to yourself.
The harsh truth is never fun to hear, but i can't argue with it.



I dont know WHY i was so easily beaten this time; i really don't. When the fear set in, all logic and control went out the window. As it settled in that she could have exposed me, the rational thought was lost, panic took over, and i ahve been in a spiral all day.



I really forgot how bad this can feel, especially a full blown panic attack. That was not fun this afternoon.. I am still in the spiral, and cannot get it out of my head, that the worst news will come back, and when i see a doc, they will tell me my brain is toast, and dementia will be setting in shortly.



Yep.. this is exactly how i wanted my Christmas holiday.. alone and scared.... :sad:

[Hypomania]

The harsh truth is never fun to hear, but i can't argue with it.



I dont know WHY i was so easily beaten this time; i really don't. When the fear set in, all logic and control went out the window. As it settled in that she could have exposed me, the rational thought was lost, panic took over, and i ahve been in a spiral all day.



I really forgot how bad this can feel, especially a full blown panic attack. That was not fun this afternoon.. I am still in the spiral, and cannot get it out of my head, that the worst news will come back, and when i see a doc, they will tell me my brain is toast, and dementia will be setting in shortly.



Yep.. this is exactly how i wanted my Christmas holiday.. alone and scared.... :sad:

Hey man, just an FYI. It takes about a decade to 30 years for syphilis to get to the neurologically damaging tertiary stage.

[bin tenn]

No, I did both tests today.. I have no clue if I am good

Oh, I apologize, I misunderstood what I read. Regardless, I wish you well. Good job being proactive in getting tested

[SarahNah]

I volunteer in a sexual disease/sexual abuses clinic as part of my college program. I've had to deal with a lot of HIV and other sexual disease cases. I really don't think you've got anything to worry about here!

[Worrywart84]

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Your entire thought process and actions/feelings you described above are like EXACTLY what I do.

As much as it sucks to have HA, I do find it fascinating from a psychological standpoint how similar we all think and act.

[Shadowhawk]

I appreciate the sanity check everyone. I fell like a dolt for writing too fast last night, but i guess even then i was still in overdrive.



This morning i am in the depressed but mellow stage.. just waiting nervously, wondering what i will do with myself today. It really sucks..


The rational side says i know i should be fine, given that i have never had any symptoms (and they seem like they would be obvious ones to have) that i noticed, nor has she (that i am aware of, but she is my ex, and honesty isn't her big thing.....). But my mind grasps the tiny, lingering doubt.. since i can't know for 100.0% absolutely, it assumes i must be the rare corner case.




But, you know the other thing that sucks (and ill be more personal here for a moment). My ex was with me for more than 12 years. She as my first. Now that i am so badly gripped with the anxiety, i have no idea how i will be comfortable again. In my mind, i realize i am going to fear EVERY partner (that is assuming i can find a woman interested), and i have no idea how i will handle that...

---------- Post added at 08:50 ---------- Previous post was at 08:00 ----------

Update 1... The general test (RPR) came back nonreactive (a good thing for sure). I still have the confirmation test, but it is now even far less likely to be positive. I am also blown away by the fact they got back to me in literally 24 hours..

[Shadowhawk]

Man.. waiting for tests is the worst. The second blood draw (the more in depth one) on Wed evening still hasn't come back. I know this is reasonable (i gave it at the end of the business day, so i really can't count that), especially since i read another lab (quest) only does this test Mon, Wed, and Fri.. so i could imagine that this lab (labcorp) is the same way, meaning nothing might have even happened until today....


But stil.. because i don't know for sure, my mind goes running yet again with me, and assumes the worst. It must be bad news, and its taking so long because they are doing a retest to confirm.


Sigh.... i hate this mindset..

[AMomentofClarity]

It must be bad news, and its taking so long because they are doing a retest

Logic says the opposite....if it was bad they’d let you know ASAP for treatment. You think they want some dude out partying around spreading VD over New Years weekend?

[Shadowhawk]

Eh, in this case, its just waiting on the lab results (not a doctors office or anything).. don't think they are thinking about that either way...


The irony.. partying for me in a non starter. As a (recovering) overweight, balding, divorced man, lets just say my "social" life has been completely stunningly non existent. But i understand your point, and it certainly could apply to a normal person..

[Shadowhawk]

Oh my God... I am going to die. The confirmation test came back positive (RRACTIVE MINIMAL). Combined with a negative RPR, this means I have to have late stage.. oh god.. I am going to die...im going to die

[AMomentofClarity]

Oh my God... I am going to die. The confirmation test came back positive (RRACTIVE MINIMAL). Combined with a negative RPR, this means I have to have late stage.. oh god.. I am going to die...im going to die

I don’t know much about it, so I won’t argue. But something tells me your “prognosis” came from Doctor Google, and not a real life trained professional.

[Shadowhawk]

Yes, alot of it has come from reading. And I literally have no one to talk to about it. I don't know if I should go to the hospital, or urgent care, or what. I am so terrified it's not even funny

[AMomentofClarity]

Yes, alot of it has come from reading. And I literally have no one to talk to about it. I don't know if I should go to the hospital, or urgent care, or what. I am so terrified it's not even funny

Go to an urgent care. Most likely they’ll run their own tests, but at least you’ll have a doctor to actually interpret them.

I went down the self referred testing route once and it ended very very very badly....mentally of course....physically I was fine, after a week of hellacious worrying and $3K of follow up testing.

[Shadowhawk]

I guess that makes the most sense. Driving to one next to the hospital now.
I just don't know how I can be fine given the results.. I am so scared. I am going to die on my little girl...

Also, I am so pissed off.. I am not gay, I don't screw around, and was loyal to my ex wife.. why do I get hit with this crap....

---------- Post added at 15:03 ---------- Previous post was at 13:45 ----------

So, urgent care said to go to the ER, so here I am now, losing my mind waiting to see how long I have tolill I am dead...

---------- Post added at 15:42 ---------- Previous post was at 15:03 ----------

So, I just got seen by the doctor (and ahem.... ALL of me was seen.. joy. ). She strongly does not feel that the labs are correct (certainly not for tertiary), and is doing a repeat of the RPR and some other STD tests as well to be sure. She said if it does come back positive we can treat it, but that I really shouldn't worry. Given the negative RPR, and that I am not showing any other symptoms, she is convinced that this is a false positive. I guess I am just scared something will be missed by not doing the antibody test again, since either had been so long that it might have progressed. (Mind you, she also said in 15 years she has never actually seen a case of it, so there is that...)

So, now I wait on that and the pee test.. yay

---------- Post added at 18:15 ---------- Previous post was at 15:42 ----------

Well, all the other tests came back clean, so it's just the blood test now.

When the doctor discharged me, she told me she called the lab, and they were floored that the test was even able to be ordered without a positive on the first test (or other clinical symptoms), and that the likely hood of false positives was quiet high (or in my case, I fell into a gray area as the nurse put it). She couldn't even order the test herself (the antibody test) without a positive inital test. ..

On the plus side, negative for clam, ghon, and tric.. woo!...

Ugh

---------- Post added at 19:42 ---------- Previous post was at 18:15 ----------

I am still having a complete meltdown here.. i dont know what to do.. a part of me wants to run off to another ER and get a second opinion, but i know that makes no sense.

I am alone and scared, with no idea how to handle this. Shoot me now

[Worrywart84]

Ugh I’m sorry you are going through that. I would try to trust the ER doc’s interpretation though. Did they say what follow up if any is necessary? Did you tell them about your HA?

---------- Post added at 20:07 ---------- Previous post was at 20:03 ----------

One thing you have to keep in mind is what they said about false positives and how high they can be in that situation. I think we tend to forget that some of these tests are not like 99.9% accurate but rather they are just helpful screening tools that sometimes help make a diagnosis when put together with the big picture. In your case, there is no big picture and they sound like they messed up by even letting you get that test, and it kinda sounds like it’s worthless to even “read” without a positive on the other test first. When you think about it, there are a lot of tests out there that out of context and without other symptoms can be”positive” but really be nothing.

[Shadowhawk]

So, the ER doc did a blood draw for the RPR, but said the lab wouldn't even let her order the other test without a positive there (or other clinical signs, which she said i do not have. I worry bout my occasional twitches, but i understand they are common in anxiety prone people).


I am going to camp out my primary care on Monday morning, and really push for confirmation testing. I admit, i am guilty of not understanding how a test like that could ever be false, but i guess they can be.


The other curious thing - i did do a course of doxycycline several months ago, which IS a recommended treatment for this. It wasn't the same treatment length, but even that makes me wonder if i could have accidentally been treated...

[AMomentofClarity]

So, the ER doc did a blood draw for the RPR, but said the lab wouldn't even let her order the other test without a positive there (or other clinical signs, which she said i do not have. I worry bout my occasional twitches, but i understand they are common in anxiety prone people).


I am going to camp out my primary care on Monday morning, and really push for confirmation testing. I admit, i am guilty of not understanding how a test like that could ever be false, but i guess they can be.


The other curious thing - i did do a course of doxycycline several months ago, which IS a recommended treatment for this. It wasn't the same treatment length, but even that makes me wonder if i could have accidentally been treated...

Honestly dude, I think you have a case of a coincidental false positive on a test that commonly issues false positives. You never had, nor currently have syhillis. You feel the need to have something quantitative to project your anger and frustration about your current situation towards, and you’ve picked STDs. It’s common as hell with anxiety, but it certainly doesn’t mean you have anything physically wrong.

[Shadowhawk]

Its funny, it sounds so logical when you say it like that, and i would completely agree with you if this was another poster's thread.



Right now, for me, i am trapped in my mind, and i cannot get over the test result. It just doesn't accept or understand how a specific test could possibly have a false positive (though even that trips me up, since it wasn't labeled an outright positive, but a "minimally Reactive" meaning it was equivocal.. i dont even know how a yes/no blood test can have a maybe..).

[Fishmanpa]

i dont even know how a yes/no blood test can have a maybe..).

Because of determined ranges (1 to 5=X - 5+ to 10=Y). That said, in conjunction with other tests that are negative, it would make a minimally reactive result a false positive. So a minimally reactive would be a 5.07 or the like...

I know that means squat in your mind right now but everything prior has shown you to be fine. I hope you find some peace and ca move on from this.

Positive thoughts

[Shadowhawk]

I really appreciate the kind thoughts FMP. Last night was not a good night for me.. full on panic attack, the works. I slept like hell last night, which didnt help.


Right now, i can feel tension in the back of my head, my limbs are all a bit twitchy, and i have somewhat of a headache. My anxiety naws at me and says "See, you DO have neuro symptoms!" The realist in me says that i haven't eaten for 24 hours, been drinking nothing but water (and not much of it at that), haven't had caffeine all weekend (yeah, its my drug of choice). So of course i am twitchy and hurting.. my electrolytes are no doubt totally off, i need my caffeine, and i am stressed.


I will be seeking professional medical help for this next week (head doctor, not just a therapist). Assuming i am not disgusting and dying of an STD, i know i can't live like this otherwise, and i need more help than what i have now..

[Shadowhawk]

Monday update:
I am sitting here in the GP waiting room, and will be seeing the NP this morning (only available appointment all day), and will be able to see my GP next Monday. I am assuming that the NP can at least order the repeat testing (Tp-EIA OR TP-PA), and go from there. I will also ask for a psych referral so I can get that ball rolling.

It's hard to keep my stress under control, but I am managing right now. I am happy to get anything.. now just comes the long wait to find out...

---------- Post added at 09:33 ---------- Previous post was at 08:57 ----------

Update 1- The NP is talking to my doctor anyway (I figured she could consult which is why I took the appointment), and is going to verify what tests she wants run (I told her about the other confirmation tests)..

---------- Post added at 09:55 ---------- Previous post was at 09:33 ----------

Update 2
I have a lab order on a script pad... Let's see how this goes...

---------- Post added at 11:33 ---------- Previous post was at 09:55 ----------

Well, they said they had to call a specialist, but we're able to order the test asked for, so let's see how it goes. They said it could take up to a week..... Joy.

I hate waiting for tests..

[Shadowhawk]

So, just have to vent more because the stress is just overwhelming. I still haven't heard the results of the follow up testing i took on the 31st, and it just leaves my mind to running amuck. My doc also has no idea how to handle my test results, so he wants me to see an ID specialist (so now i get to try to make an appointment there).



IN the meantime, i keep second guessing myself and "symptoms". Every misspelling i make while typing must be a neuro problem. Every time i notice my head and neck feel tight must also be a problem. Am i twitchy? Must be a problem. I am in an absolute hell right now, thinking that even if the other test comes back negative, i will never know for SURE why that first one came back as maybe.


Even worse, while this is supposed to be an easily treatable disease, i even worry that past other treatments will have screwed me up. I have a penicillin allergy, but doxycycline can generally treat it (typically prescribed for 14-30 days). However, i took a 7 day course recently, and worry that since that treatment was only half the time, it might have only made resistant bacteria, and now i am REALLY screwed.



This sucks guys.. this sucks...

---------- Post added at 11:16 ---------- Previous post was at 10:25 ----------

Sigh... So I checked again, and the results are now listed as being there, but since the doc is out right now, and she hasn't seen the results, they can't tell me yet. I am scared right now...

[Worrywart84]

You seem to be saying that if these results come back normal you still won’t believe them?

[Shadowhawk]

Unfortunately, at least in some way, yes. My mind will always ask why did that first one come back as a maybe.. is something being missed. For whatever reason, when it comes to me, i don't believe any test could be a false positive. My mind really has problems understanding how any test, especially a sensitive and specific one, could come back as anything other than no, if the answer wasn't no.

[Worrywart84]

But keep reminding yourself how that was explained to you earlier in this thread—that the second test meant nothing and was basically invalid since the first test was negative. Remember that tests aren’t all diagnostic. I am reminded about all the false positives that occur during prenatal testing.

When this result comes back negative and your docs tell you not to give this another thought, you really have to work hard to believe that.

[Shadowhawk]

But keep reminding yourself how that was explained to you earlier in this thread—that the second test meant nothing and was basically invalid since the first test was negative. Remember that tests aren’t all diagnostic. I am reminded about all the false positives that occur during prenatal testing.

When this result comes back negative and your docs tell you not to give this another thought, you really have to work hard to believe that.

That's the thing though.. if left long enough, the disease can produce a negative RPR and a positive FTA (typically seen in the tertiary stages). So I am scared that my brain or body is being fried as we speak, but since none of the docs I talk to seem to know this, I haven't been perscribed anything...

I am trying to get an appointment with an infectious disease specialist, and I guess even that will be changed by what this test says.

---------- Post added at 13:41 ---------- Previous post was at 13:07 ----------

Expanding on my thoughts -
I worry, because like most, i have a problem telling if what i am feeling now, is both:
1) Something new
2) Not something caused by the suggestion that if i had X, i would experience Y.


Obivously, i have been stressed out of my mind this week, AND i have gotten crappy sleep (When i even could). But I am feeling tightness and tension in my neck and back of my head, and because headaches CAN be a symptom, my anxiety suggests that this new problem is related to the disease, not anxiety (or reaction to it). Likewise for feeling more twitchy, or even being a horrible typer at times. I have dry eye problems, but new i worry my eye pain and sensitivity is a symptom of that as well. I could rationally tell another person who was feeling this, all of those things.. but because i assume the worst for myself, it is hard to think anything BUT the worst..

---------- Post added at 16:13 ---------- Previous post was at 13:41 ----------

Well.. sure enough, this result did come back negative.. from talking with med professionals, given my historical lack of symptoms, two negatives, it definitely looks like a false positive (or maybe as it was) on the first test ..

[AMomentofClarity]

Time to let it go then man. I know it’s hard, but it’s necessary

[Shadowhawk]

Time to let it go then man. I know it’s hard, but it’s necessary

You are completely right, and I will be. Seeing the results is greatly relaxing, and thanks to some kind docs, I know they agree with the false positive diagnosis.

But I am still sick... My anxiety needs the kind of aggressive treatment I was ready to give the other disease, and that is my current goal now. For me and my daughter, this is no way to live..

[Worrywart84]

Good for you! That sounds like a great idea.

[Shadowhawk]

So, I heard back from the ID specialist: she said I could come in if I was concerned still, but given the negative follow up, there wasn't any concern expressed. They told me to sleep on it and let em know tomorrow. I think that is a good idea, make sure I have no lingering questions.

[Shadowhawk]

Sigh... i can't win. Ever since docs asked if i had any headaches or other issues (like what??), i have had a headache this week. Primarily in the back of my head, and down to my neck. I also (last two days) feel like... pain in my eyes so to speak (hard to explain). And the trifecta i feel like my muscles are twitchy.


I know this can all be the lingering anxiety (hell, forget lingering, persisting), but its soooo hard to no still fear the worst that i am diseased and damaged. I kept my appointment for next week, and im now afraid she will tell me i am really screwed even if i did take antibiotics (especially since i can't have penicillin)..

[Shadowhawk]

I keep failing.. while I am waiting for both psyhc and ID help, I cannot stop the compulsive urge to good, and it is just spiraling again. I am so afraid that I am sick with a disgusting disease, that my brain is rotting, and I will be dead soon.

To make it worse, I have had a headache at the back of my head and neck that I haven't been able to get rid of, and I can't shake that it is a symptom. I am looking at every misspelling I make on my cell phone, and every jerky muscle feeling as a symptom too.

I know no one really understands, but I can't let go and it is hell. I am completely disregarding the two negative test results, because I just cannot understand why that other was was minimal reactive. I don't understand how a false positive can even happen, and my anxiety says THAT is the correct test, and the other tests must be wrong, and I won't get the treatment I need..

[SnowyGreen]

Sounds like you are dressed in full battle armour, fighting, waging war and yelling at.......... nothing.

I used to be like that too. I'm not anymore, I am much better, and you will be one day too. This is just a blip in your journey.

[Shadowhawk]

Sounds like you are dressed in full battle armour, fighting, waging war and yelling at.......... nothing.

I used to be like that too. I'm not anymore, I am much better, and you will be one day too. This is just a blip in your journey.


I am scared this is the end of my journey. I am beyond saving at this point, and no hope left. I can't turn my mind off of the fear. Even worse, it comes just as i was getting other things in my life squared away. I have lost 75lb, i am working out... but now this...


I cannot understand how a test can come back as a "more than no" and it not be right (regardless of the other tests saying no.. i can't explain that). And so i am terrified my brain is rotting as we speak, and everyone will blow it off until it is too late.

[SarahNah]

I work in a sexual health clinic like I said before, I do a lot of paper work. We have 100's of people getting tested a week. I've worked there two years, no once have we had a issue with test results causing some big long term issue. A test can be thrown for a number of reasons, natural or unnatural.

I've had a few friends with sexual disease, I even have one friend HIV positive. From all of my personal experience dealing with things like this. I really think you're okay which I know is hard to hear- sure I'm having my own anxiety issues and it's rich for me to say that !

[Shadowhawk]

I know what you mean about the test results, as I have already had several doctors tell me the first, given the other results was a false positive. I just wish I could understand how that could possibly happen. Even the ID doc said I only needed to come in if I wanted to.. obviously with my worry, I will.. I may just ask if antibiotics make sense anyway just to be sure .

And while I know lots of people are ok, I just fear my brain already rotting away and that I am too far gone to be saved (due to disease).. it is so depressing, I can't even enjoy my time with my daughter.

[SnowyGreen]

How are you doing today?

[Shadowhawk]

How are you doing today?
I appreciate the asking, but sadly, i can't give a happy answer. I am doing absolutely horrible right now, on the eve of seeing the doctor. Last night and this morning i kept doing the Romberg test to see how bad i was (even though of course i know i am not a doctor), and worrying about the fact that my balance is not perfect (and must be a horrible sign).


Basically, i can't get my mind to accept that the first maybe test was false, and assume that the negative confirmation test must be the false one and my brain is really rotting... and still feel disgusting.. And to top if off, i have had a headache for a week (back of my head, with pain/pressure focused on my temples by my eyes)..

[SnowyGreen]

I appreciate the asking, but sadly, i can't give a happy answer. I am doing absolutely horrible right now, on the eve of seeing the doctor. Last night and this morning i kept doing the Romberg test to see how bad i was (even though of course i know i am not a doctor), and worrying about the fact that my balance is not perfect (and must be a horrible sign).


Basically, i can't get my mind to accept that the first maybe test was false, and assume that the negative confirmation test must be the false one and my brain is really rotting... and still feel disgusting.. And to top if off, i have had a headache for a week (back of my head, with pain/pressure focused on my temples by my eyes)..


The headache is understandable, with all the worrying you are doing, you are bound to manifest physical symptoms.

It seems like your doctor has taken into account everything, not just a false positive lab report and determined that you are fine.

You had two negative tests, so why not focus on those instead? I know it is easier said than done, but soon you're just going to have to rationalise with yourself that you have been checked over, you are fine. When your mind begins to worry and think those thoughts again, let them come and flow back out without giving them any extra attention. If you can try that for a while, eventually your mind will begin to clear and you will be able to think rationally.

I had a friend who had a false positive report for something, and every other test was negative. So these things do happen, and more often than we may be aware of.

My balance is not perfect either and I'm not worried about syphilis.

I know how hard it is to battle with your own mind, and people can give advice, but only you can take the steps to heal.

[Shadowhawk]

The headache is understandable, with all the worrying you are doing, you are bound to manifest physical symptoms.

It seems like your doctor has taken into account everything, not just a false positive lab report and determined that you are fine.

You had two negative tests, so why not focus on those instead? I know it is easier said than done, but soon you're just going to have to rationalise with yourself that you have been checked over, you are fine. When your mind begins to worry and think those thoughts again, let them come and flow back out without giving them any extra attention. If you can try that for a while, eventually your mind will begin to clear and you will be able to think rationally.

I had a friend who had a false positive report for something, and every other test was negative. So these things do happen, and more often than we may be aware of.

My balance is not perfect either and I'm not worried about syphilis.

I know how hard it is to battle with your own mind, and people can give advice, but only you can take the steps to heal.

I know that is the logical thought about the headaches, but ever since it was mentioned, I cannot shake it. I even am looking at other things like my typing, and concerned about that (my cell phone typing has always been bad, but now I am concerned it is for a different reason..

I am seeing the disease doctor tomorrow, and hopefully she can clear up all the concerns. She already said, reviewing the test results, it was up to me to come in, and I am glad I kept the appointment. I may ask for a course of antibiotics just to be sure, since I am so damn afraid of this. Since there is room for doubt...

This really is a horrible battle, and I have lot so much headway on my progress to getting better. I am twitchy again, which only doubles my worry. I question if I am walking right, or if I am having other issues. It really is a living hell for me right now...

[SnowyGreen]

I know that is the logical thought about the headaches, but ever since it was mentioned, I cannot shake it. I even am looking at other things like my typing, and concerned about that (my cell phone typing has always been bad, but now I am concerned it is for a different reason..

I am seeing the disease doctor tomorrow, and hopefully she can clear up all the concerns. She already said, reviewing the test results, it was up to me to come in, and I am glad I kept the appointment. I may ask for a course of antibiotics just to be sure, since I am so damn afraid of this. Since there is room for doubt...

This really is a horrible battle, and I have lot so much headway on my progress to getting better. I am twitchy again, which only doubles my worry. I question if I am walking right, or if I am having other issues. It really is a living hell for me right now...


I understand it is a living hell, I have been where you are. Just know there is light at the end of this, and one day you will look back and wonder what you were thinking.

Also, you haven't lost any headway on your way to recovery. This is what recovery is like, setbacks and blips along the way, it is never a straight line to recovery. This is what mine was like too, I had terrible setbacks. Just remember, one day, this current struggle will be over and you will again be on your way to recovery.

Let us know how it goes tomorrow with your appointment.

[Shadowhawk]

Well, spoke with the ID who noted a few things (specifically my change in diet and pre diabetic state) that could have tripped up the first test or simple lab error. She agreed that I have no reason to suspect an infection. She noted that since it's been 3 years since my last possible encounter (**** that hurts) a real infection would be lighting up the board by now (acknowledging that the RPR could be negative, the others would be solidly positive).

Other than just having my GP follow up with repeat tests (if desired), I have doctor's orders to put this past me and live. So, now on with the therapy and better meds...

---------- Post added at 17:29 ---------- Previous post was at 16:06 ----------

Not more than an hour later and I am still worried.. I have literally had 4 docs, one being the specialist, tell me the reactive test is false, and I still cannot accept that I am ok. I am still in a low level panic that they are wrong, the equivical test must be the right one (because only bad news can be right)..

I really don't know how to keep living like this...