beaniepudblue
31-08-07, 16:15
Ive been having an awful last few months. Ive not posted for a while. I really need people to talk, to rant to, and make new friends who understand. To cut a long story short ive suffered depression/anxiety and panic disorder since i was about 15. Ive been on and off meds since i was about 20. At the moment im feeling worse than ever. Really really down at the moment. It all stems from me having a miscarrige 2 weeks ago. I know it has made me worse because of the hormones etc. But things have been coming to this point again for months. :weep: :weep: I just need to rant at alsorts of things going on in my life right now.
I came off medication for depression when we started trying for a baby, in 2005, and have since tried to battle it out with various things such as aromatherapy, crystals and healing etc. Theres been times ive almost gone back for some meds but stopped myself. Now i really wish i was. I was on citalopram 40mg before and it helped me alittle but not as much as i would have hoped. It didnt help with my concentration issues. Ive been having a bad few months, then with this miscarriage of course it has brought the depression on big time. In a normal week for me (when im at work) im normally ok one day then the next down, one day i can go to work feeling good then the next spaced out and lethargic and very emotional. They have been beginning to notice it at work as one of them has commented that im very "quiet" and look down. But thats the way i am as a person sometimes. Im not a loud person or confident person at all. Like them. But at the moment i am feeling totally worthless.
Im beginning to blame myself for the miscarrige been such a stressfull person and with my mental problems. I was so looking forward to having this baby to focus on and turn my life around. I cant be bothered to do anything, all i want to do is go back to bed. The house is a total tip. I have been off work for 2 weeks (holiday) and 1 week (sick) and its ruined the holiday this happening and me being like this. All i have done is lull around, cry, sleep and just feel awful. I have to go back on monday and cant face them. I cant face them because of the miscarrige and i cant because of my depression and anxiety issues. I feel like they will have been talking about me when ive been off and things. I feel like my mind is elsewhere. I dont like where i work. One of the girls i work with bosses me about and really irritates me, so nosey, always questioning, and the other one can just be plain rude sometimes. They just walk all over me. They are both very confident, outspoken girls, im no where like them. Im an emotinonal wreck at the moment. But its not the job that i dont want to go back to, its just them. They have actually made my anxiety worse this last year. I got a job to take my mind off things and try and help me with my depression instead of being stuck at home. And now i wish i hadnt. Sometimes i go to work and i feel like im a zombie and my mind is elsewhere, no concentration, extreme tiredness, and i know its going to be a thousand times worse with how im feeling right now. Im just crying all the time at the moment. I really need some help with something but dont know what to do.
I dont really want to go back on medication only as a last resort. I think if i do go see the doctor again im going to ask for something other than citalorpam as i dont feel it helped me with my depression only my anxiety really. I had a couple of side effects with it too. All i want to do is go to bed and wish that this awful negative feeling would go away. I would love to wake up one day and feel a totally different person, so confident and no anx/dep ever exsisited. I really hate myself at the moment. I dont know how im going to cope on monday i need to be strong and get over things and not let it beat me. My mum thinks i should go for counselling again. I had counselling 4 years ago when i had an awful time, a breakdown, and it helped me but im not sure if i feel like doing it again. Im so thankfull i have my little boy too. He has been a little darling looking after me and whenever im down his cuddles brighten my day. Im sorry for going on :weep: :weep: :weep:
J x
I came off medication for depression when we started trying for a baby, in 2005, and have since tried to battle it out with various things such as aromatherapy, crystals and healing etc. Theres been times ive almost gone back for some meds but stopped myself. Now i really wish i was. I was on citalopram 40mg before and it helped me alittle but not as much as i would have hoped. It didnt help with my concentration issues. Ive been having a bad few months, then with this miscarriage of course it has brought the depression on big time. In a normal week for me (when im at work) im normally ok one day then the next down, one day i can go to work feeling good then the next spaced out and lethargic and very emotional. They have been beginning to notice it at work as one of them has commented that im very "quiet" and look down. But thats the way i am as a person sometimes. Im not a loud person or confident person at all. Like them. But at the moment i am feeling totally worthless.
Im beginning to blame myself for the miscarrige been such a stressfull person and with my mental problems. I was so looking forward to having this baby to focus on and turn my life around. I cant be bothered to do anything, all i want to do is go back to bed. The house is a total tip. I have been off work for 2 weeks (holiday) and 1 week (sick) and its ruined the holiday this happening and me being like this. All i have done is lull around, cry, sleep and just feel awful. I have to go back on monday and cant face them. I cant face them because of the miscarrige and i cant because of my depression and anxiety issues. I feel like they will have been talking about me when ive been off and things. I feel like my mind is elsewhere. I dont like where i work. One of the girls i work with bosses me about and really irritates me, so nosey, always questioning, and the other one can just be plain rude sometimes. They just walk all over me. They are both very confident, outspoken girls, im no where like them. Im an emotinonal wreck at the moment. But its not the job that i dont want to go back to, its just them. They have actually made my anxiety worse this last year. I got a job to take my mind off things and try and help me with my depression instead of being stuck at home. And now i wish i hadnt. Sometimes i go to work and i feel like im a zombie and my mind is elsewhere, no concentration, extreme tiredness, and i know its going to be a thousand times worse with how im feeling right now. Im just crying all the time at the moment. I really need some help with something but dont know what to do.
I dont really want to go back on medication only as a last resort. I think if i do go see the doctor again im going to ask for something other than citalorpam as i dont feel it helped me with my depression only my anxiety really. I had a couple of side effects with it too. All i want to do is go to bed and wish that this awful negative feeling would go away. I would love to wake up one day and feel a totally different person, so confident and no anx/dep ever exsisited. I really hate myself at the moment. I dont know how im going to cope on monday i need to be strong and get over things and not let it beat me. My mum thinks i should go for counselling again. I had counselling 4 years ago when i had an awful time, a breakdown, and it helped me but im not sure if i feel like doing it again. Im so thankfull i have my little boy too. He has been a little darling looking after me and whenever im down his cuddles brighten my day. Im sorry for going on :weep: :weep: :weep:
J x