Got triggered in work

[RadioGaGa]

Hi everyone

I need to let off a bit of steam, having been triggered quite severely in work on Friday last week.

Through the course of my work-related duties, I found out a person slightly younger than me had received a diagnosis of glioblastoma (the thing I fear more than anything in the world). The person's name sounded familiar, and in the end I was able to put a face to the name - it's a "friend of a friend".

Since then I've had an array of "symptoms", which my logical side tells me are induced subconsciously (etc) by my anxiety, but the illogical side of me panics.

My colleagues are all aware of my HA regarding glioblastoma. It's a *rare* neoplasm at any age (which is why I think a lot of them don't understand my fear), and they roll their eyes when I tell them I have a "symptom" (as does my logical side).

My next CBT isn't for a few weeks, as my therapist is off for the Xmas holidays.

I'm really just posting on here to let some steam off. Although my friends, family and colleagues are understanding, they're all a bit fed up with it now (as am I)

Hoping you have all had a relaxing, anxiety-free Christmas, and wish you all the best for 2019 and beyond

[jojo2316]

Your poor friend of a friend- that’s awful. And of course it will cause an increase in your symptoms- that is the way anxiety works- as you know. You don’t have a glioblastoma. I feel fairly happy saying that, just like I feel fairly happy saying you won’t win several million in the lottery this week.

[Missjensen]

I know how it feels being fed up with yourself and the HA monster that's control you, I know
Just how annoying I am and when other people also starts to noticed how annoying I am it is the most devastation thing ever. I also know how it is to be triggered when someone els get sick, the brain can be a real egoist at times.

My CBT theapist would properly say three things to me.

One - visualize the worst case scenario and find peace with it, try to figure out why you are so afraid of being sick.

Two - Have a moment of worry, it can be 5 minuts or 10 minuts. Take time for yourself at home letting all the thoughts flow and worry the hell out of them. At some point the brain will get tired of worrying and begin to relax.

Three - Write down all you thoughts, I find it easiest on my computer.

I have a thought that i might die
I have a thought that my arm is itching
I have a thought that my head hurts
Ect (.....)

It also let the brain drain itself and you will end up relaxing and not finding anymore things to think about.

[Double_Rainbow]

Is the key here the persons age (younger than you)? I am sure that you know that GBM can develop at any age, even kids get it. I am trying to think how I got over the GBM fear.... I guess I just told myself that if I get it, there is nothing that can be done. I don't need to watch the symptoms, as early diagnosis doesn't improve the outcome, and I can just relax and let it develop. Really, this is just bad luck and nothing else. The odds are tiny though, for a female in the 30s to develop GBM.

I am just curious, what "symptoms" do you have? When I start having these sorts of symptoms I close my eyes and touch the tip of the nose with my index finger, and I feel better. It must not be that bad yet if I can do it. BS? Maybe. But it does the mental trick for me.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Like you say, it's a trigger. There you are going about your work and up pops a monster, a particular one you have a greater fear of and you react. You can work on changing that reaction but you know that takes time & effort and until then you need to practice acceptance that you are going to experience things like this. This will help you to stop fighting against the anxiety in negative ways.

If you consider this logically, you work in a medical field where you must see patients from tiny babies to the elderly with all sorts of things. You must see the rare things we don't on here and deal with it as "just another day at the office". The only difference here because a word, an image, a scenario, etc has popped up that your subconscious makes an association of fear to and off it triggers the cycle. It knows no better, the fear exists (however irrational) and it thinks it is protecting you from a big scary bear you've stumbled across in the wild. It's up to you to change it's programming.

Being triggered is a raw moment. You know the med stuff better than us, you're a medical professional. But you were in an anxious state where the various biases come into play. Try to keep your emotional reactions in check, try to calm your body & mind down. Logical conclusions are easier to formulate and get behind once calmer.

So, see it as a shock moment, stop kicking yourself, accept it's ok to be triggered and even make mistakes until you are further on in recovery, take positive/neutral actions so behaviour is healthier and notice obsession starting so as to stop yourself or employ a corrective strategy.

[RadioGaGa]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It does help a lot.

@Double Rainbow: I think what made it so anxiety-inducing was because its someone who is a friend of a friend, so it feels like it's a lot closer to home. It's also the second person I've known to get it in my lifetime. Although it's incidence is the same as ALS, which I don't worry about getting, I think it's such a nasty disease. The fact that temozolmide only adds a few months to overall survival, I just feel so terribly sorry for people with it. As you said, it's not a lifestyle induced cancer (NOT that smokers with lung cancer deserve it, but at least we know the cause). And when I pictured myself coming down with gbm a couple of years ago, making me this person's age, it was a horrible panic stricken thought.

@MyNameIsTerry: thank you so much for your reply. Thankfully, I haven't had to see many children at my hospital (we're adults only - there's a separate children's hospital for cancer tx, however I have been there for training and found it very distressing seeing these poor young children undergoing chemo etc.

I just wish I would be able to handle a box of temozolmide without feeling intense emotions of panic - I genuinely feel this for the patient as well, because the outlook is so grim. It's not nice at any age, but particularly when they're young.

It's times like this I almost feel I chose the wrong profession. I had always wanted to be an officer on Seacat/Hoverspeed but when they closed down (I was only 13 at the time) , that ambition was out the window lol.

But then why should I sacrifice a career just because my stupid F-ing brain obsesses over some rare illness.

Even walking into work in the morning, I come through the oncology outpatient waiting area, and if I see someone with the tell tale scar on their head, the panic sets in, and then the 'symptoms' start e.g. Forgetfulness etc

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, the subconscious by it's design sees the bloke who's just been ravaged by a bear and says "that could have been you, now will you listen to me?!". http://yoursmiles.org/msmile/animal/m0237.gif (http://yoursmiles.org/m-animal.php?page=2) But you know it's not relevant as the bear is miles away. If you know the bear is miles away then it's irrational to creep around in the woods rather than go about your day as normal. But this is where we tend to separate from the non anxious people!

Logically you could have been the bloke hit by a bus on his way to work today. Perhaps he was the same age as you, had the same job even?

[RadioGaGa]

@MyNameIsTerry

Haha, loved your analogy. I'm very hopeful the CBT can help me overcome the obsession I have with glioblastoma. From my post, you'd be forgiven for thinking it's the only ailment I come across in work.

And it hit me tonight, sitting here: I have had asthma since I was a very young child. Although it's well controlled, there is always the risk of a fatal asthma attack... My annual risk of this is 1 in 10,000.... Annual risk of glioblastoma? 1 in 50,000 (for my age). I'm five times more likely to die from my asthma in the next year than I am glioblastoma. But do I worry about this? Nope. Never. Ever!

And then, asthma (oddly) protects against glioblastoma, so my risk is even less... But still, that bloody illogical side of my brain is forever trying to destroy my happiness in life! :weep: :weep: