MS fear ruined my life

[HA1989]

I cannot cope anymore. This fear will never leave me and I just don’t know what to do. I have had so much therapy and been on medication and nothing makes a difference.

The way I can describe the fear is a voice constantly telling me I have MS and I’m going to be in a wheelchair and blind very soon. I ignore it and it doesn’t like that so as soon as I rest/feel vulnerable it gets me back big time. Every twitch/itch/spark in vision sends me into a panic. I have been like this for 8 years but only in the last 14 months has it become uncontrollable.

I don’t want to live anymore :( the constant checking of my skin with sharp/blunt objects to check each side of my body is symmetrical is exhausting. Checking my eyes see colours the same is exhausting. The 6 hours a day on google is exhausting.

The current symptom I have that has tipped me over the edge is I feel like some parts of my body do not feel touch the same as others. I have also found the tips of some toes do not feel sharp pain as much as others.

I know the answer is an MRI but I am too much of a coward to wait for results I case they confirm my worst fears.

Why is this happening to me why can’t I have a single day where I can just be happy?

[Fishmanpa]

I'm sorry this fear is taking over your life. Sadly, I don't think 10 MRIs would alleviate your fear. I've seen it here thousands of times. You'd find ways to doubt and question the all clear results.

Other than traditional real life methods, I don't really have any advice :weep:I hope you find some peace.

Positive thoughts

[HA1989]

Thank you. That is my rationale for not having an MRI that as soon as I was told it was ok (god I hope it would be) that I would be convinced they’d missed something or what if one has occurred since I had the scan. Really I think I don’t have one because I’m too scared.

Health anxiety follows me everywhere, I had some good holidays last year but all I remember from them was symptoms I was feeling at the time and the complete feeling of dread. I think I must have done something terrible in a previous life because this is truly torture and I am sympathetic towards anyone else that is stuck in this hell

[ankietyjoe]

There's a couple of subtle uses of language here that I want to pick up on.

'Why is this happening to you', and 'Health anxiety follows me everywhere'.

I think it's common for people with any form of anxiety to feel as though there is an 'it'. Like there's something identifiable that can be bargained or reasoned with, that's treating them unfairly.

The reality is that almost all anxiety disorders are (in my opinion) self taught. I have been there and lived the hell.

You mention that your HA has been here for 8 years, well that's a LOT of practice to get really good at it.

Medication isn't going to solve it, because HA more than any other kind of anxiety is self made.

What you really need to do is practice the opposite of health anxiety, and the fundamental basis of this is NOT checking and NOT googling. If the head in your voice tells you to do it, you reply "no, not today thanks". The answer is NOT an MRI. The answer is to actively practice doing the opposite of the things that are feeding this disorder, namely checking imaginary symptoms against some kind of imaginary mental database of doom. If you don't stop checking for symptoms, the disorder will not go away. You need to do this daily for weeks, months....maybe longer? You need to get good at not doing it like you got good at doing it.

[HA1989]

There's a couple of subtle uses of language here that I want to pick up on.

'Why is this happening to you', and 'Health anxiety follows me everywhere'.

I think it's common for people with any form of anxiety to feel as though there is an 'it'. Like there's something identifiable that can be bargained or reasoned with, that's treating them unfairly.

The reality is that almost all anxiety disorders are (in my opinion) self taught. I have been there and lived the hell.

You mention that your HA has been here for 8 years, well that's a LOT of practice to get really good at it.

Medication isn't going to solve it, because HA more than any other kind of anxiety is self made.

What you really need to do is practice the opposite of health anxiety, and the fundamental basis of this is NOT checking and NOT googling. If the head in your voice tells you to do it, you reply "no, not today thanks". The answer is NOT an MRI. The answer is to actively practice doing the opposite of the things that are feeding this disorder, namely checking imaginary symptoms against some kind of imaginary mental database of doom. If you don't stop checking for symptoms, the disorder will not go away. You need to do this daily for weeks, months....maybe longer? You need to get good at not doing it like you got good at doing it.

I do like this comment and will come back to it when I’m feeling bad. I do agree I shouldn’t internet search. I once went 13 days without but then when I started again I made up for the 13 days I missed (!). I think it was my New Years resolution for 2018 so am having it again for 2019.

Trouble is I have so much info stored in my head it’s like it’s own google lol. I say I should have spent the time learning another language I’d probably have learned 2 by now.

The worse thing I do is put in symptoms such as “pain above eye when tired” or “cold spot on leg lasting a second at a time” along with MS in the search bar so of course come across forums where sufferers are asking if anyone else feels this symptom with their MS and everyone is like “yes me”.

I have a 11 month old son and he’s getting to an age where it is upsetting him seeing his mum crying everyday and I want to sort myself out if not for myself but for him. Writing this has been very triggering because I am talking as if it is just Health Anxiety when there’s a risk that it isn’t ;( I’m not in a good place

[ankietyjoe]

I went through the same thing with my son, when he was about 3-4 years old. I even got to the stage where I was planning what I was going to say in a video I recorded for him so that when he got older he could understand why his Dad died before he should have done etc etc. Health Anxiety is nasty.

But, you can get over it just by not doing the same thing that you already are doing. It won't be immediate, but as you say....you have a kid now. You cannot continue the way you are. Every time you want to use Google, say 'no, I don't need to'. Say it out loud if need be. Same thing when you feel like checking something physical on your body. You have to reverse habits (and that's what they are) that you've become good at over the last 8 years, and the human brain LOVES habits.

I found meditation to be particularly useful as it actively trains the part of your brain that lets things go. Maybe it'd help you too. Meditation isn't a relaxation technique, it's a practice that will rewire your brain to react in a much calmer, more rational way of being.

[HA1989]

I went through the same thing with my son, when he was about 3-4 years old. I even got to the stage where I was planning what I was going to say in a video I recorded for him so that when he got older he could understand why his Dad died before he should have done etc etc. Health Anxiety is nasty.

But, you can get over it just by not doing the same thing that you already are doing. It won't be immediate, but as you say....you have a kid now. You cannot continue the way you are. Every time you want to use Google, say 'no, I don't need to'. Say it out loud if need be. Same thing when you feel like checking something physical on your body. You have to reverse habits (and that's what they are) that you've become good at over the last 8 years, and the human brain LOVES habits.

I found meditation to be particularly useful as it actively trains the part of your brain that lets things go. Maybe it'd help you too. Meditation isn't a relaxation technique, it's a practice that will rewire your brain to react in a much calmer, more rational way of being.

Aw bless you, health anxiety is so cruel. It is refreshing hearing from other people who actually understand Health Anxiety specifically. I have friends with anxiety but theirs is nothing to do with health so they admit they don’t really understand though they do sympathise.. it’s the same with therapists and councillors. The treatment isn’t really tailored to HA and it’s not helped me unfortunately (that’s not to say it wouldn’t help anyone with HA).

I think health anxiety is more like OCD, not sure if that affects how it should be treated though. Thank you for your reply :)

[ankietyjoe]

Health anxiety is slightly different than 'normal' anxiety in that the person suffering with the HA is also the main trigger. You choose to create your own trigger. This is both a blessing and a curse, as although you are your worst enemy (so to speak), it also means you have the ability to change things. And it's really simple, stop checking. Simple doesn't mean easy though, you have to practice NOT checking.

[HA1989]

Health anxiety is slightly different than 'normal' anxiety in that the person suffering with the HA is also the main trigger. You choose to create your own trigger. This is both a blessing and a curse, as although you are your worst enemy (so to speak), it also means you have the ability to change things. And it's really simple, stop checking. Simple doesn't mean easy though, you have to practice NOT checking.

You’re a good man I wish you all the best and hope one day I move on from this period of my life a stronger person like it sounds you have become

[Missjensen]

You are aware that MS is not a dead sentence and many people live perfectly normal lives with this? Most people get attacks that last for a time and then they are fine the rest of the time.

My Derby coach has MS and is a nurse ! A friend of my boyfriend also have MS and is fine most of the time.

First of all you don't have it, second of all why ruin your life with fear of an illness that sucks, but properly won't ruin your life the way HA is doing right now. I know HA is not logical but try to relax and enjoy your life knowing you would still be enjoying it with MS.

[ankietyjoe]

You’re a good man I wish you all the best and hope one day I move on from this period of my life a stronger person like it sounds you have become

If it helps, no I don't suffer with anxiety any more. My HA was very bad (not quite as bad as yours) but my 'normal' anxiety was horrendous and completely obliterated my life for half a decade. I don't suffer with it at all any more. No panic attacks, no checking, no suffering. I feel anxiety from time to time but it's 100% under my control and doesn't effect my day to day life. I'm aware that I still have a few years to go before my CNS recovers fully, and I'm good with that.

You CAN do it too, just practice :)

[MrLurcher]

My sympathies, im in excatly the same hole.

If you follow my MND thread in the Symtpoms thread you can see how bad ive been. Ive also began to experience a whole lot of strange sensations which can be MS or anxiety. Seen 3 docs, all say anxiety. Ive spent the past month in a mess and its ruined christmas, as well as putting a huge strain on my family life and work.

Hope you can feel some relief soon.

[HA1989]

You are aware that MS is not a dead sentence and many people live perfectly normal lives with this? Most people get attacks that last for a time and then they are fine the rest of the time.

My Derby coach has MS and is a nurse ! A friend of my boyfriend also have MS and is fine most of the time.

First of all you don't have it, second of all why ruin your life with fear of an illness that sucks, but properly won't ruin your life the way HA is doing right now. I know HA is not logical but try to relax and enjoy your life knowing you would still be enjoying it with MS.

Wow thank you how nice to hear positive MS stories rather than just the horror stories I come across. I would guess most if not close to all people with MS are not as miserable as me.
I agree I’ve ruined my life with this fear, but it is like somebody else in my head convincing me I have to be terrified, I would like nothing more than to stop being so selfish but HA is having none of it. I am basically my HA now, or its puppet :(

I had a week this year where I was convinced I had modular melanoma, looking back I know I was absolutely terrified but I guess in a way it was refreshing to worry about something else!

---------- Post added at 16:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:51 ----------


My sympathies, im in excatly the same hole.

If you follow my MND thread in the Symtpoms thread you can see how bad ive been. Ive also began to experience a whole lot of strange sensations which can be MS or anxiety. Seen 3 docs, all say anxiety. Ive spent the past month in a mess and its ruined christmas, as well as putting a huge strain on my family life and work.

Hope you can feel some relief soon.

I’m so sorry to hear that. And I can appreciate how bad it’s been for you because I’ve felt the same. I am very angry that it ruined another Xmas but I was able to put on a front for my family which I’m pleased about. Let’s hope 2019 is kinder to us!

[Fishmanpa]

I went through the same thing with my son, when he was about 3-4 years old. I even got to the stage where I was planning what I was going to say in a video I recorded for him so that when he got older he could understand why his Dad died before he should have done etc etc. Health Anxiety is nasty.

But, you can get over it just by not doing the same thing that you already are doing. It won't be immediate, but as you say....you have a kid now. You cannot continue the way you are. Every time you want to use Google, say 'no, I don't need to'. Say it out loud if need be. Same thing when you feel like checking something physical on your body. You have to reverse habits (and that's what they are) that you've become good at over the last 8 years, and the human brain LOVES habits.

I found meditation to be particularly useful as it actively trains the part of your brain that lets things go. Maybe it'd help you too. Meditation isn't a relaxation technique, it's a practice that will rewire your brain to react in a much calmer, more rational way of being.

Great Post AJoe! Your observations as to the mind set and habitual/OCD aspects was spot on.

Positive thoughts

[jray23]

If it helps, set some parental controls to block Google on your devices. Or limit the time.

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