New year thoughts

[cattia]

No real point to this post, just wanted somewhere to write down my new year thoughts where maybe other people can relate to them.
All my life I have disliked new year. I wish I could get excited about a new beginning but to me that feels like I'm jinxing things. I am worried each new year that this will me the last one I see.
I try to focus on the things I want to do but I find myself thinking what's the point in thinking about that as I will probably be too ill to do them. It's like I don't let myself believe anything good or look forward to anything in case it's taken away.
I've woken up for the second day running obsessing about breast cancer because of a weird feeling in one breast. I read about a woman who had an odd feeling in one breast and it turned out she had breast cancer. I have not googled in a while but years of googling mean that so many many of these stories are stored in my head.
I've been in counselling for 18 months now and things have got better in that time. I don't have daily panic attacks any more. I can sometimes dismiss symptoms or at least recognise my thought patterns around them, but I'm not sure I will ever be cured of anxiety. I guess I just feel worn down by dealing with it all these years and I no longer feel like I can say 'this is the year I'll beat anxiety' because I've stopped hoping for that. So maybe my new year resolution should just be to do a bit better with it.

[RadioGaGa]

cattia

I can relate. I always worry on NYE thinking "this could be my last".

When I was a young child, I always loved NYE, but as I've gotten older the pessimistic side of me has taken over, and each new year I always find quite sad, in a sense. It's more memories left in the past, happier times in my life seem further away... And, of course, I'm getting older.

But, on the other hand, when I look at it more rationally, we're just changing a digit on the year, and it's not really anything more than that.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help in my post, but I do understand where you're coming from

Happy new year lol

[GiantMogwai]

Cattia, think about small pleasures that cannot be taken away. My life feels like it's imploding at the moment. My current thought process apart from all the seemingly uncontrollable stuff is to weigh up my options and make the best decision I can with the information available. That is all anyone can do.

[pulisa]

I think it's all about managing anxiety rather than "conquering" it. Improving your quality of life but recognising that there will be good and not-so-good times and that this is ok. Not getting angry with yourself when you are struggling but trying to find your own way forward by whatever means work best for you.

Cattia, I hope this year is a better one for you. At this time there's always a sense of pressure but really it's just another day, another January.

[Darksky]

im trying to crack acceptance but boy I do struggle with it. I think I just 'put up with' which is different.
It's not a New Years resolution, every week I try and do better with it but fail :shrug:
I do believe true acceptance is the 'cure' because you simply have no fear of the sensations therefore they diminish but doing it...boy oh boy.

[travelgirl77]

Yes, I feel the same way. I also feel this way about my children since my health anxiety has crept into my view on them as well. So, yesterday I fretted about how this would be the last year that I would celebrate or that one of them would celebrate. My husband is currently stationed in another state from us and last night was also our last night with him for a bit. So, while I was thinking those thoughts, I had to consciously tell myself to not let anxiety steal my joy because it does and it messes so many things up.

I also know that I need to lose weight, but I then catch myself thinking, "why bother? Some catastrophic illness is going to befall either myself or kids and I will not have time to work out anyway." Anxiety is a PIA.

I get it, I do. I suppose I need to resolve to get help this year. Maybe you do too?

[AMomentofClarity]

I think it's all about managing anxiety rather than "conquering" it. Improving your quality of life but recognising that there will be good and not-so-good times and that this is ok. Not getting angry with yourself when you are struggling but trying to find your own way forward by whatever means work best for you.

Cattia, I hope this year is a better one for you. At this time there's always a sense of pressure but really it's just another day, another January.

I totally agree with this! I’ve been in a much better place with my anxiety, but I’ve never “conquered” it. It’s all about maintenance.

[cattia]

Thanks so much for your replies. It definitely helps to know that I'm not alone. It does help me to think of maintaining a remission from anxiety for as long as I can rather than looking for a cure as I think it takes some of the pressure off. I think the idea of finding pleasure in little everyday things helps too as it helps me to stop focusing on the big be all and end all stuff. I am sorry that others of you are struggling as well at this time of year. I guess new year encougaes us to think ahead and for me that leads to feeling overwhelmed with catastrophic possibilities whereas the best way for me to manage is to take one day at a time and try not to over think the future. I suppose this is why new year is never a good thing for me.