Extreme reaction to criticism, help !

[Missjensen]

I didn't know where to post this, but I feel like GA was the best place.

I suffer from GA and HA mainly Im a sensitive character and have a bad habit of overanalyzing my own actions and "punish" myself if Ive done something wrong. When I say punish I don't mean physical but more of a mental punishment, so I don't make the same mistakes again.

Ive always had an extreme reaction to criticism, but I really felt like I've grown in that department, until I got a boyfriend Now I find this problem really annoying and extremely embarrassing.

I know when my Partner ask me to remember to do something or says he feel sad when I say or do certain things, he is 100% in his right mind and I know communication is the key for a great relationship. I also know when you are together all the time, there is bound to be annoying stuff about your partner.

But when he comes with the (totally fair) criticism my body always react by getting really really sad, and since I don't think its fair to cry every time he says something remotely negative I try to hide it, but sometimes I have no controle of my body what so ever and I burst into tears. I always try to say that's it something going on with me and he is right in saying this stuff and he should not mind the crying, but of cause he minds.

Anyone got any tips, I really don't know what to do.

[ankietyjoe]

On the flip side of the coin, are you saying he criticises you a lot? If it's a regular thing, perhaps the problem is with him and his expectations?

Half of what you're saying appears to be trying to convince you and us that it's fair for him to have a problem with how you are and/or what you do.

[Missjensen]

I understand what you say, but I don't really think he is criticizing me a lot, I think the problem is me taking it in a negativ way.

A class example is him saying - could you be better at cleaning the plates after you eat or when I tell you stories you keep arguing over unimportant small details, and that makes me sad.

I really think its important to be able to say what annoys you or makes you sad, I just really got a problem with it.

[ankietyjoe]

If he has a problem with the way you clean your plates, the problem IS his. If he doesn't like it, HE should clean them. Moaning about that is really quite petty of him.

[Missjensen]

But you have to respect each other in a relationship, we both do the dishes we both makes dinner, im not a housewife with an annoying criticizing man. Right now he is doing the dishes and making dinner for me.

You can't leave all the dirty jobs for the one in the relationship that cares just because you don't care about it yourself.

[KK77]

You're obviously aware that your boyfriend means well and that it's better for him to express his feelings rather than it building up and causing arguments further down the line.

Accept that this is you being over-sensitive right now, hence the reaction it's causing in you. Hopefully this phase will pass and you will react in a more balanced and proportionate way in the future.

Don't beat yourself up further for getting upset. It is not a crime.

[GiantMogwai]

In my household we have something similar. Our dishwasher is not as powerful as it used to be and you have to rinse the dishes in the sink before putting them in the dishwasher if you have eaten certain types of foods. Ketchup is a prime example. If I don't rinse this off with hot water the dishwasher won't do this so you just have to wash it by hand anyway. My other half always forgets and it is so annoying. Every now and then I remind her but I try to forget about it as many times as I can because I don't want to wear her down. In the same way as everyone should be open to hearing about genuine concerns or criticisms, people who are raising these need to be careful about how often they do this.

[WiseMonkey]

If he has a problem with the way you clean your plates, the problem IS his. If he doesn't like it, HE should clean them. Moaning about that is really quite petty of him.

I agree with Joe here, if he is sensitive to your issues of defensiveness etc, he would not be criticizing you over small issues! I hope you've told him to stop this behaviour. If he doesn't then he does not care or respect you.

A lot of what you're saying is very familiar. Defensiveness and sensitivity usually comes from being brought up in a family where one or both parents are overly critical of their children, focusing on the negative aspects rather than the positive qualities in their children. This sets children up to be anxious, defensive and very sensitive and they carry this through into adulthood.

Quite often as adults, we subconsciously pick a partner who is like the critical parent, which sets up the repeating pattern. They can even prey on our weaknesses triggering our anxiety and sensitivities.

This may or not be your experience, but hopefully something for you to think about going forward. Sometimes we have to experience several dysfunctional relationships before we find a truly caring partner who sees our value (plus our faults) and accepts, loves and respects us for who we are.

[GiantMogwai]

I agree with Joe here, if he is sensitive to your issues of defensiveness etc, he would not be criticizing you over small issues! I hope you've told him to stop this behaviour. If he doesn't then he does not care or respect you.

This is quite strong advice. You're automatically classifying his concerns as "small issues" and saying if he does not stop he does not "care or respect". This is a hugely one sided perspective and likely to result in a car crash of a conversation.

I'd only agree with this if he was criticising you directly e.g. "you can't do anything right" rather than "can you try and clean the plates more, there is still food on them". The former in my opinion is completely unacceptable whereas the latter is ok within reason.

Another thing that's relevant in either case is how much appreciation you get for the other things you do. If he is completely without appreciation ever this is unacceptable but if his criticism is set against a background of frequent appreciation I wouldn't worry. Just ask him to ease off a little.

---------- Post added at 23:42 ---------- Previous post was at 23:35 ----------


You can't leave all the dirty jobs for the one in the relationship that cares just because you don't care about it yourself.

Agree. This is a very mature and positive attitude.

[WiseMonkey]

This is quite strong advice. You're automatically classifying his concerns as "small issues" and saying if he does not stop he does not "care or respect". This is a hugely one sided perspective and likely to result in a car crash of a conversation.

I'd only agree with this if he was criticising you directly e.g. "you can't do anything right" rather than "can you try and clean the plates more, there is still food on them". The former in my opinion is completely unacceptable whereas the latter is ok within reason.

Another thing that's relevant in either case is how much appreciation you get for the other things you do. If he is completely without appreciation ever this is unacceptable but if his criticism is set against a background of frequent appreciation I wouldn't worry. Just ask him to ease off a little.



---------- Post added at 23:42 ---------- Previous post was at 23:35 ----------



Agree. This is a very mature and positive attitude.

We all having differing views and tolerance levels plus I'm a straight talker. My views based on being older and having lots of experience. In my experience, criticising begins with the small things, then escalates. Missjensen is rightly concerned with the issue and women are very perceptive and intuitive. I hope they sort the issues out and that she reads all the advice and views presented on this thread.

I'd be giving this advice whether it was the man or woman being critical.

[GiantMogwai]

We all having differing views and tolerance levels plus I'm a straight talker. My views based on being older and having lots of experience. In my experience, criticising begins with the small things, then escalates. Missjensen is rightly concerned with the issue and women are very perceptive and intuitive. I hope they sort the issues out and that she reads all the advice and views presented on this thread.

I'd be giving this advice whether it was the man or woman being critical.

A good partnership takes on board what the other partner has to say about the work that the team does. So long as this is done respectfully this is a given. If this targets the thing it is more likely to be respectful. If it targets the person it is less likely to be so. It is called a partnership for a reason.

[Missjensen]

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

In my opinion I’m not trapped in a dysfunctional relationship with a man who doesn’t care about me, I could be wrong, I is my first relationship experience, but.

He always says he loves me and give me a million kisses a day, we share a 50/50 household where we help each other out with the daily stuff, he is very aware of my feelings he always says sorry if he said anything to upset me and when I experience anxiety he always ask how to help.

It may very well be some past trauma that’s causing my sensitivity to criticism, but I don’t think he have to respect it in a way where he can’t tell me what’s bothering him, I once tried to ignore a annoying thing he did and I ended up being a lot more angry and bitter than I had to be I guess it’s the same the other way around.

I do believe criticism can help you grow and be a better person, I really just need some help how to tackle this overwhelming sadness when it happens, I do hope that over time it will be easier and it’s just a phase even though we been together 8 months.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Constructive criticism. It doesn't have to be about putting someone down or in their place. If we couldn't do it how could we ever get feedback? Sometimes you need to let someone know something needs to be improved.

Like mogwai says, it's in how you do it and your intent.

Of course we all have to learn to accept each other's faults but there will always be things that are mentioned where we need to do something different. For instance, if the OP is leaving the plates dirty (I'm not saying you are, it's just an example based on something you mentioned) then surely you raise this as a matter of hygiene? In a workplace it would be a requirement.

OP - have you always felt like this? How are you in terms of confidence & self esteem? Do you find yourself needing reassurance about doing things right?

[WiseMonkey]

Constructive criticism. It doesn't have to be about putting someone down or in their place. If we couldn't do it how could we ever get feedback? Sometimes you need to let someone know something needs to be improved.

Like mogwai says, it's in how you do it and your intent.

Of course we all have to learn to accept each other's faults but there will always be things that are mentioned where we need to do something different. For instance, if the OP is leaving the plates dirty (I'm not saying you are, it's just an example based on something you mentioned) then surely you raise this as a matter of hygiene? In a workplace it would be a requirement.

OP - have you always felt like this? How are you in terms of confidence & self esteem? Do you find yourself needing reassurance about doing things right?

Yes, how the constructive criticism is presented is the key, it needs to be said respectfully with genuine concern. This makes us feel safe to talk to our partner about things that concern us.

Good communication is so important, bottling something up and ignoring feelings doesn't work as missjensen has found out. It just magnifies issues and creates tension within a relationship. We have to be confident enough to speak up and be true to our self.

[Missjensen]

OP - have you always felt like this? How are you in terms of confidence & self esteem? Do you find yourself needing reassurance about doing things right?

Yes I’ve always had a very strong experience with criticism, I thought I was getting better, because I’ve learned to take criticism from my roommate without feeling overwhelmed with sadness, but I guess it’s another thing with my boyfriend, maybe because he can just leave me if I’m to annoying or that’s my though. Of cause he said he won’t go anywhere. I don’t needing reassurance about doing things right, If I done something extra I probably like to be praised. My confidence and self esteem is fine when it comes to how I feel about my body (most of the time) but I think I’m afraid that deep down I’m not good enough.

When he criticises something mostly with a - could you next time or I feel like when you says this, of cause it comes out more annoyed sometimes but never in a “why can’t you do this or “you can’t do anything right” manner and he has never raised his voice to me.

[GiantMogwai]

I've always responded badly to criticism. Sometimes I get upset because I feel the other person feels I'm not good enough. Sometimes I feel in myself that I'm not good enough. Sometimes it is a sadness centred around feeling that another person should "understand me" but they don't. Sometimes I simply don't understand what on earth they are talking about.

If I wasn't washing dishes well enough I would probably be ok to take this on board and fix this. I find running clean fingers over the plates to check for any remaining muck to be a good way of doing this. If after trying to improve and actually cleaning plates well, and continuous non-specific complaints I would undoubtedly explode. It is very bad for self esteem to be continuously told you are doing stuff wrong when you aren't.

Best solution though is to get a dishwasher. Outsource the task. :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes I’ve always had a very strong experience with criticism, I thought I was getting better, because I’ve learned to take criticism from my roommate without feeling overwhelmed with sadness, but I guess it’s another thing with my boyfriend, maybe because he can just leave me if I’m to annoying or that’s my though. Of cause he said he won’t go anywhere. I don’t needing reassurance about doing things right, If I done something extra I probably like to be praised. My confidence and self esteem is fine when it comes to how I feel about my body (most of the time) but I think I’m afraid that deep down I’m not good enough.

When he criticises something mostly with a - could you next time or I feel like when you says this, of cause it comes out more annoyed sometimes but never in a “why can’t you do this or “you can’t do anything right” manner and he has never raised his voice to me.

Do you think it's about you or more a fear of upsetting others? I have found with my anxiety if I think I've upset one it can bring on feelings of sadness.

[KK77]

Yes I’ve always had a very strong experience with criticism, I thought I was getting better, because I’ve learned to take criticism from my roommate without feeling overwhelmed with sadness, but I guess it’s another thing with my boyfriend, maybe because he can just leave me if I’m to annoying or that’s my though. Of cause he said he won’t go anywhere. I don’t needing reassurance about doing things right, If I done something extra I probably like to be praised. My confidence and self esteem is fine when it comes to how I feel about my body (most of the time) but I think I’m afraid that deep down I’m not good enough.

When he criticises something mostly with a - could you next time or I feel like when you says this, of cause it comes out more annoyed sometimes but never in a “why can’t you do this or “you can’t do anything right” manner and he has never raised his voice to me.

I suspect your 'sadness' is strongly related to a fear of abandonment. You say this is your first serious relationship but abandonment fears usually have their roots in our childhood and hide within the subconscious mind, which is the principle driver of our emotions.

Something for you to think about and work on perhaps?

[Missjensen]

Best solution though is to get a dishwasher. Outsource the task. :)

I wish we could get a dishwasher, but its not really suitable with his kitchen, like many old danish apartments , he is thinking about contacting a Plummer to find a solution.


Do you think it's about you or more a fear of upsetting others? I have found with my anxiety if I think I've upset one it can bring on feelings of sadness.

If Ive done something to upset someone a beat myself over it for the longest time and I feel like a horrible human, so yes I do have a fear of upsetting others.


I suspect your 'sadness' is strongly related to a fear of abandonment. You say this is your first serious relationship but abandonment fears usually have their roots in our childhood and hide within the subconscious mind, which is the principle driver of our emotions.

Something for you to think about and work on perhaps?

I agree, Im afraid if he leaves me, its because im not good enough as a person, The only reason why I never had a partner until now (age 27) is properly because I felt it was very dangerous to open completely up to another person with the risk of being left in the end.

when I realized it was beginning to get serious with my partner I suddenly became very skeptical of the hole affair, luckily he ignored it and "trapped" me :blush:

[GiantMogwai]

Good luck with the dishwasher! :)

We have a half sized one in our apartment. Does help a lot.

There is a quote I picked up from the old Hellboy movie which I like.

Something like:
"We like people for their qualities. We love them for their defects."

Whilst no saying is entirely true, there is often some truth in them. I like this one.

[WiseMonkey]

I suspect your 'sadness' is strongly related to a fear of abandonment. You say this is your first serious relationship but abandonment fears usually have their roots in our childhood and hide within the subconscious mind, which is the principle driver of our emotions.

Something for you to think about and work on perhaps?

Great post KK77, the abandonment fears can be more than just the physical abandonment, it could be emotional as well.

I've experienced abandonment issues although I've never been physically abandoned. It stems from my childhood and growing up with a personality disordered mother, who was critical and negative so I always felt there was something wrong with me. It was the emotional abandonment I was feeling and I've had to do a lot of work around trust issues.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Then it seems, apart from working on your thoughts when presented with a trigger, it would also be worth working on self compassion. Learning to trust yourself and boosting your sense of self worth would seem very important here.

I can understand the beating yourself up issue because I've done it plenty too. And at work I was always my harshest critic (several line managers had pointed this out to me too) and it was a driver for success but it can be an obsessive negative trait and end up undermining you. I've learnt to accept myself more as I've got older and don't pursue those same negative leads as much.

[Missjensen]

Then it seems, apart from working on your thoughts when presented with a trigger, it would also be worth working on self compassion. Learning to trust yourself and boosting your sense of self worth would seem very important here.

I agree I really have something to work on, I need to be kinder with myself.

Today I had a really crappy day, Im writing an exam and is really stressed out, I feel extra fragile and like a bad girlfriend. I'll find it really difficult to have a boyfriend actually, It was so much easier being by myself, I overanalyze everything all the time and gets upset with myself or my behavior all the time. I was not happier alone nor was It better being alone, but I was so much easier not being out in the open like this.