O_O
06-01-19, 11:26
Hello everyone,
So, I have a problem that isn't related to miscarriage / wombs / cervixes / infertility for a change... :doh: I'm not sure how to deal with it so any advice would be appreciated.
So, my relationship with my father has always been kind of odd although much better since I reached my 20s and we're pretty good friends now and get along well. When I was growing up I had a lot of resentment towards him, as he was quite critical and emotionally closed off, and the environment at home was toxic until my mother and I finally left when I was about 15 (should have been when I was a baby imo!)
However, I think that frankly my dad is still massively unfair and unkind towards my mother, who is essentially a kind, supportive, well-meaning person. Last night I was with my dad and we got into a 'heated discussion' about my time at university.
I had never wanted to go to university, AT ALL, but I did when I was 19 because I thought I had no other choice. After being there a short time I only realised more strongly that it wasn't the right thing for me and so I dropped out.
My mother came to collect me and brought me home. A decade on I don't regret leaving university at all and I actually have a better job than most people I know with degrees - plus no debt.
My father, however, has never forgiven my mum for collecting me from university. He blames her for me leaving - I think he thinks that she somehow enabled me. I've tried to explain to him that I wasn't happy at university and that ten years later I'm still glad I left but that doesn't seem to have any effect on him.
When I decided to leave university I told my lecturers etc that I was dropping out and then I phoned my mother and asked her if she'd come and collect me. I'd already spoken to both my parents about my intentions for a few weeks beforehand.
My mother asked my dad if he would collect me but he refused. He said he would come up a week later and stay with me for a week and try to convince me to stay. This in itself I don't have a problem with. Fine, if he wanted to try to convince me to stay then he's entitled to do that. I don't think it would have changed anything and would probably have only resulted in a very upsetting argument but if it would have made him feel better to try then that's fine.
At the time, however, I just wanted to leave. I told my mum that I knew I didn't want to stay, I wasn't waiting a week, and could she please collect me. At that point she agreed, to be supportive of me I guess. She came to collect me the next day, I went home, and I've never regretted the decision.
My dad still resents my mother so much for this. If anyone is to 'blame' it's me, not her. She was just trying to support her daughter. Dad feels that he was 'denied the right' to try to convince me to stay because she came to collect me first. Even though ultimately me leaving was the right thing he has hung onto this resentment for the last decade and I don't think he will ever let it go!
I don't know what to do. It's not fair on my mother.
He also just forgets all the good things she does. A few months ago my dad had some breathing difficulties and went to A&E. There wasn't anybody around to take him home afterwards so he ended up calling my mother. They've been separated for 15 years, and don't have a good relationship, but she didn't hesitate in going to collect him, making sure he was okay, taking him home. She didn't have to do that, particularly given how vile he's been towards her at certain times.
He is completely ungrateful for that sort of thing. He forgets that and can only focus on the fact that she collected me from university, ten years ago. I think he's totally lost sight of the fact that me leaving university was the best thing and all he can focus on is that his 'right to convince me to stay' was taken away from him.
Does anyone have any advice? Or am I wrong about this? If anybody disagrees with me please say as I'd actually appreciate being able to understand his viewpoint better, which I'm struggling to at the moment.
I just feel bad for my mother, who is a good person.
Thanks for reading.
So, I have a problem that isn't related to miscarriage / wombs / cervixes / infertility for a change... :doh: I'm not sure how to deal with it so any advice would be appreciated.
So, my relationship with my father has always been kind of odd although much better since I reached my 20s and we're pretty good friends now and get along well. When I was growing up I had a lot of resentment towards him, as he was quite critical and emotionally closed off, and the environment at home was toxic until my mother and I finally left when I was about 15 (should have been when I was a baby imo!)
However, I think that frankly my dad is still massively unfair and unkind towards my mother, who is essentially a kind, supportive, well-meaning person. Last night I was with my dad and we got into a 'heated discussion' about my time at university.
I had never wanted to go to university, AT ALL, but I did when I was 19 because I thought I had no other choice. After being there a short time I only realised more strongly that it wasn't the right thing for me and so I dropped out.
My mother came to collect me and brought me home. A decade on I don't regret leaving university at all and I actually have a better job than most people I know with degrees - plus no debt.
My father, however, has never forgiven my mum for collecting me from university. He blames her for me leaving - I think he thinks that she somehow enabled me. I've tried to explain to him that I wasn't happy at university and that ten years later I'm still glad I left but that doesn't seem to have any effect on him.
When I decided to leave university I told my lecturers etc that I was dropping out and then I phoned my mother and asked her if she'd come and collect me. I'd already spoken to both my parents about my intentions for a few weeks beforehand.
My mother asked my dad if he would collect me but he refused. He said he would come up a week later and stay with me for a week and try to convince me to stay. This in itself I don't have a problem with. Fine, if he wanted to try to convince me to stay then he's entitled to do that. I don't think it would have changed anything and would probably have only resulted in a very upsetting argument but if it would have made him feel better to try then that's fine.
At the time, however, I just wanted to leave. I told my mum that I knew I didn't want to stay, I wasn't waiting a week, and could she please collect me. At that point she agreed, to be supportive of me I guess. She came to collect me the next day, I went home, and I've never regretted the decision.
My dad still resents my mother so much for this. If anyone is to 'blame' it's me, not her. She was just trying to support her daughter. Dad feels that he was 'denied the right' to try to convince me to stay because she came to collect me first. Even though ultimately me leaving was the right thing he has hung onto this resentment for the last decade and I don't think he will ever let it go!
I don't know what to do. It's not fair on my mother.
He also just forgets all the good things she does. A few months ago my dad had some breathing difficulties and went to A&E. There wasn't anybody around to take him home afterwards so he ended up calling my mother. They've been separated for 15 years, and don't have a good relationship, but she didn't hesitate in going to collect him, making sure he was okay, taking him home. She didn't have to do that, particularly given how vile he's been towards her at certain times.
He is completely ungrateful for that sort of thing. He forgets that and can only focus on the fact that she collected me from university, ten years ago. I think he's totally lost sight of the fact that me leaving university was the best thing and all he can focus on is that his 'right to convince me to stay' was taken away from him.
Does anyone have any advice? Or am I wrong about this? If anybody disagrees with me please say as I'd actually appreciate being able to understand his viewpoint better, which I'm struggling to at the moment.
I just feel bad for my mother, who is a good person.
Thanks for reading.