View Full Version : Can you cure a fear of death?
I didn't really know where to post this but I wanted to post it here because for me, and i'm sure many others, health anxiety is just a manifestation of a fear of death.
I've had GAD and panic attacks and heath anxiety for 10 years now (I'm 29). I've had my ups and downs and plodded along as you do. Tried all the medications. Had all the therapy etc.
Then in January 2018 I had the worst relapse I've ever had where I had a severe nervous breakdown and developed full blown agoraphobia and became entirely housebound for the first couple of months last year.
I worked REALLY hard to tackle the agoraphobia with some success but I still struggle and find it difficult to be on my own. I've had to give up work (I've never been out of work with my mental health before so this one is a real hard pill to swallow) And life is just generally on a downward spiral as i'm also dealing with a suspected endometriosis diagnosis.
Anyway, since this relapse my health anxiety has spun completely out of control and i am now spending every day of my life expecting to die.
I do have specific fixations/worries but I don't want to talk about them because i'm not seeking reassurance for them here (trying to break that habit)
But instead I am looking for serious practical advice for how I can once and for all tackle this fear.
Since my breakdown I am so hyper aware of the fact that I, and everyone I love, could be gone at any moment and this is the fuel that lights my anxiety and always has been.
CBT therapy and other forms have helped me with intrusive thoughts and overcoming trauma's etc and in the moment anxiety but no one has been able to help me with this fear of death.
I will be lying in bed at 2am (always the worst time) and then it will suddenly hit me that I won't be here one day...none of us will. And i can't cope with that thought. There will be a day when i wake up and that will be the last day I have alive. There will be a day where people will attend my funeral. I won't exist....And it could happen at any time. I feel like it's constantly waiting around the corner for me.
I've tried religion, mediation, yoga, general mindfulness, thinking there's no point in worrying because i'm just wasting precious time etc and NONE OF IT HAS WORKED. I'm still utterly terrified every day that this is my last day and i feel like i'm counting down each day until it eventually happens. Because it WILL happen. I can't escape this fact. No one can reassure me because it will happen. And that's what I can't accept.
I recognise that this is completely unhelpful because i can't control that I will die, but I can't make this any better.
I want to be able to enjoy whatever time I have left in life without anxiety but I can't seem to switch my brain to recognise I need to let go of the control and no therapist has been able to help me either!
Is it even possible?! I don't know what more I can do...Like i said with the agoraphobia and the health anxiety and everything I just sit on my bed every day and become thankful that i've made it through the day alive. This is NOT the life I want but i'm so stuck for what else I can do to help myself!
Sorry that this was long.
Probably not helpful, but what got me through a similar phase a few years back was realising all the fun stuff there is to do between now and that final point, and that no matter how grim it might seem, sooner or later, chances are something else fun is going to happen.
Really sorry you're having such a rough time - it sounds awful and I hope you can find a way out soon.
Yes, I think it is possible to get to a point where you accept death. I have done it, but also had relapses from accepting it, lol, but got back to a point of acceptance. Overall, I do accept it, and accept that there is uncertainty, and if death comes for me, that's just the way it is.
I think one important ingredient to getting over it is to LIVE. Sounds like you aren't right now. I don't know everything agoraphobia entails, but find a way to challenge yourself everyday. Get out and do things or invest in starting a project at home if you can't get out, even if you are just going through the motions at first. Before long, they won't be motions, and you will realize you are living. Throwing myself into projects and experiences was really important for me to get over that fear.
No advice, just empathy. My health anxiety is rooted in a fear of death that I just can't shake. While not as severe as you, I go through similar thoughts that just paralyze me with fear. I think it's the unknown that really gets me... Plus, as a mom, not being here for my daughter both for her sake and my own (not seeing her grown up). The idea of life going on without me is so upsetting.
But I did read somewhere once when I was trying to figure out how to talk to my 4 year old about my father in law dying, that one way to think about death is to think about the time before you. It's overwhelming to think about everything around you being here but you being gone, but think about all the time that occurred before you existed. It's not scary or creepy to imagine not being here before. When we study history the vast majority of things happened when we didn't exist. Sometimes this helps me deal with the idea that just as much or more will happen after me.
I also used to find myself wide awake at odd hours of the night, suddenly realizing and becoming fearful of the idea that we will all eventually pass. It would happen during the day from time to time, but primarily at night. Some mornings I would wake up and the first thought in my head would be "I'll die eventually."
I do accept it now, and acceptance is key, of course. Meditation did nothing to calm that fear for me either. I used to be a firm believer in a Christian-like viewpoint, but I stopped believing a few years or so ago. In fact, my fear of death, and acceptance, I attribute a lot to my lack of divine/religious/spiritual beliefs.
I don't know exactly why. Perhaps it's because, believing that this is my one and only chance, I take more care in living life to the fullest. When I'm gone, I won't know. I won't think. I won't feel. I won't worry, won't be sad, etc. I simply "won't be", and I think I'm okay with that.
Meriland30
19-01-19, 00:41
I envy people that have the ability to just...not care if /when they die. I am not referring to the depressed or suicidal, but rather those that have the ability to live life to the fullest without fear getting in the way. It makes me feel like some sort of coward. A lot of times, I take the cheap shot way out in order to get over my current fear. What I do is I deliberately make myself so depressed and fed up with my fear that I just can't care anymore. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't...but when it DOES work, my symptoms seem to dissipate and I get back to normal. I call this the cheap shot way because I don't find solace or real acceptance, it is just a temporary thing. i spend so much time dying, that i don't have any time to actually live... and it sucks. That is why i feel so bad for people that are hypochondriacs.
I applaud you for identifying the core issue in health anxiety. I don't really have an answer, but a few things that have helped me a little bit sometimes:
1) ever since getting together with my current partner I'm not *quite* as intensely scared of death, and I think that's because I feel that, come what may, at least I'm doing what I should be doing here and now- at least I'm happy right now. And I no longer have to worry about dying without ever having been happy/loved/understood/part of a meaningful relationship. So I guess the broader point here is that this fear may not be something you can think your way out of- fulfilling life experiences may help more than figuring out a more comforting way to conceptualize death.
2) Despite point #1, the idea that I am inextricably linked to the world around me and the rest of the universe, which will go on after me, helps a little (There's a good quote early on in Mrs Dalloway about this that sometimes comforts me).
3) Meditation/mindfulness have helped briefly sometimes. But I know you said you tried that. The book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, specifically, helped a little.
4) Sometimes exercising (cardio) makes me feel less anxious in general (and helps me adopt a 'que sera sera' attitude about everything).
I doubt there's a cure per se but the more coping strategies people can share, the better.
3) Meditation/mindfulness have helped briefly sometimes. But I know you said you tried that. The book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, specifically, helped a little.
I love this book and also You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh. Buddhists have a nice take on life and death that definitely does help me settle a bit and that I found comforting after my father in law died and I had to talk to my 4 year old about death.
I love this book and also You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh. Buddhists have a nice take on life and death that definitely does help me settle a bit and that I found comforting after my father in law died and I had to talk to my 4 year old about death.
Thich Nhat Hanh materials are pretty good, IMO. My therapist recommended him to me, and I've found it quite helpful.
I have, oddly, gone from a place of fearing death routinely to, well, being at peace with my death when it comes. The thing is, to get there, the road came from an unexpected path.
In the summer of 2017 I was diagnosed with a 4.8 cm aortic aneurysm after a routine annual physical. I had always been a nervous wreck about my health and potential diseases prior to this moment. I had periods of peace, but it always loomed, running in the background, that nagging fear, burning like coals, only to reignite from an odd mole or weird pain. At first, this diagnosis was like every nightmare I had ever had coming true. It was a manifestation of worst fears.
For a month or two I was a complete wreck. All I could think of was this ticking time bomb in my chest. I googled for the first time AFTER a diagnosis, rather than self diagnosing, then googling. It is enlightening to see anxiety posters on a forum sure they have the disease you actually do have. I sat around feeling self pity and expecting to die at any moment. This time period forced some very hard introspection on what I had done with my 47 years.
I realized two things.
First, aside from some struggles here and there, I have generally had a pretty good life. I have a family I love and that loves me. I have had a rewarding professional life. I am not poor, and have had many wonderful experiences around the globe. If I died at that moment, I have already had the chance to live longer than so many and feel so much love, it made it ease a bit. My life wasn't bad. It was actually quite lovely.
Second, it made me take an accounting of the time I have left. Did I want to spend the next day, week, month, year, decade or however long I have left living in fear? I simply woke up one day and decided not to wory about tomorrow. I learned that this might be my last day on this rock, and I am going to enjoy a walk with my wife, a slice of pizza with extra damn cheese, and a cuddle with my dogs on the couch. Every beautiful moment shined a lot brighter. It was like a veil came off.
Not being afraid of it isn't living without fear. Every pang of chest and back pain leaves me wondering for fleeting moments if today is the day. Make no mistake, I do not want to die. But not wanting to die also made me really want to LIVE.
I am still an anxious person. I don't think we ever put that away completely, and it is why I come here. My only real regret in this life is living so much of it in fear of dying, and waiting until that possibility was greater than ever before to understand that point. I then became a simple matter of refusing to let the fear of the end ruin the present. It is like worrying about how to get home from the party before you arrive, which is something old me would have done.
I am going to say this aneurysm, scary as it might be, is one of the best things that ever happened to my mental health.
one idea I had was to avoid films/ tv series/ books about death, because it will increase your anxiety about it.
it's not so much the process of death that scares me, what scares me is knowing that one day I'm just going to leave everything I love (music, tv, all my friends) behind on earth- and the world will continue on without me, like nothing ever happened- which is one thought I hate
one thing I do believe in is an afterlife. I don't want to turn this thread in to a religious debate, but the fact I believe that their is something after this life on earth gives me some comfort
During my first heart attack, my heart went into afib and they had to use the paddles to bring me back. I wasn't afraid prior. I just hurt and wanted the pain to stop. I recall a weird wave like rush coming from my lower abdomen and I thought "That feels weird'. It started rising up into my stomach and chest and I thought, "This can't be good". That's the last thing I remember until I woke up. A nurse was there and said "Look who's back!". I asked what happened and she told me. There was no fear, no life flashing before my eyes, just boom!
Between that, the 2nd heart attack and Stage IVa cancer, I don't fear death. If it's as quick and painless as what I experienced, you really won't know what hit you so what's to fear?
Positive thoughts
During my first heart attack, my heart went into afib and they had to use the paddles to bring me back. I wasn't afraid prior. I just hurt and wanted the pain to stop. I recall a weird wave like rush coming from my lower abdomen and I thought "That feels weird'. It started rising up into my stomach and chest and I thought, "This can't be good". That's the last thing I remember until I woke up. A nurse was there and said "Look who's back!". I asked what happened and she told me. There was no fear, no life flashing before my eyes, just boom!
Between that, the 2nd heart attack and Stage IVa cancer, I don't fear death. All I hope is it's as quick and painless as what I experienced.
Positive thoughts
It probably sounds morbid to some, especially on this forum, but I completely get this. Honestly, at this point it isn't death itself I fear, most of the fear comes from potential pain and suffering leading up to it. A death which is peaceful, quick and painless is as much as anyone can hope for.
I think there is a built-in culture of fear in the western world regarding death, and that fear puts us in a place where we have a hard time thinking about death in a healthy way, but the truth is we all do it. We all hope for a good life, why not hope for a good death too?
It probably sounds morbid to some, especially on this forum, but I completely get this. Honestly, at this point it isn't death itself I fear, most of the fear comes from potential pain and suffering leading up to it. A death which is peaceful, quick and painless is as much as anyone can hope for.
I think there is a built-in culture of fear in the western world regarding death, and that fear puts us in a place where we have a hard time thinking about death in a healthy way, but the truth is we all do it. We all hope for a good life, why not hope for a good death too?
Exactly. My personal experience was absolutely nothing. No dreaming, no meeting angels etc. I do understand how one would worry about their loved ones. I'm concerned for my wife when I go but the fact is, once you're gone, you won't be worrying and there's nothing you could do anyway :shrug:
It's a fact of life and acceptance is key in overcoming the fear. the remedy is to live life to the best of your ability. The quote in my signature says it all.
Positive thoughts
When i was younger i always thought i would never make 20 lol tje fear of dying these days i really do not care what happens to me 100 % but i think about getting ill and passing thst on to my family this is really daft and stupid but i over come the fear of death by having a word with myself i never died yesterday or the day before so why is today special?
I have this fear fear too. I worry for my kids and husband having to get over my death. I worry for my parents if i go before them. Its hard but someone has a quote on their profile that says "dont fear death fear a life unlived". After seeing that quote on here just a few days ago i took action.
My plan of action included:
My bucket list (absolutely everything i want to achieve)
My affairs all in order so my family dont have stress of paying for a funeral.
My wishes for where i want the kids to go to school and for all the nice things they deserve.
Lastly my legacy. Ive vowed to try and raise £100,000 for cancer research.
These things sound morbid to do but its made me so excited to start my bucket list. Im hoping it shows me that a wonderful life comes from experiences and not fear. Im hoping that in the end i will feel that i have fulfilled all my wishes and everything else is just a bonus and i will be at peace x
This is one I struggle with! A couple of years ago I had a lot of thoughts and urges to end my own life. It came close to it alot. Then I manged to get myself into a better place. Then when I faced illness and for the first time I really thought about how much the idea freaked me out. About what it meant and what it would mean for my family and friends- the people it would leave behind. I know it's strange also but I used to have this very selfish thought about if people would actually miss me or not!
I also remeneber when I was around eight, it was for the first time I realized that my parents could die. I cried for weeks, I clung to my Mam if she tried to leave a room. If she wanted anywhere without telling me- lord did I have a melt down! After awhile she said me and tell it was apart of life because she couldn't do anything without me freaking out and getting myself into a state.
I couldn't do anything I was in so much fear, with the help of my therapist I'm been trying to work on living while I'm here! Not to get so weighed down by it and just get out there....A lot easier said then done! I know! I still get moments of total struggle and fear! When it takes over it takes over.
I used to be terrified of death until I read "Dying To Be Me" by Anita Moorjani. Please disregard the cheesy title. Anyhow from then I started listening to peoples talks who had NDE's (Near Death Experiences) of what they saw when they flatlined. It sounds crazy but it's really helped me. you can youtube these people's talks. really fascinating stuff.
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