Airisto
04-02-19, 15:54
I dont expect anyone to read this long post, but I wanna go on a bit of a rant, I have always been extremely anxious over lots of tiny things in my life, I was was anxious about cavities for a very long time, then the end of the world, then how well I will do in this weeks swim meet, but my current anxiety has to be the most horrible thing I have ever experienced.
It started almost a year ago on march first, I was in my second year of college studying illustration in hopes of becoming this great graphic designer/artist, I was full of projects and happiness. Then, one night I had this pain on the left side of my breast, as I rolled over to rub it my half asleep mind convinced myself it was breast cancer. The next morning I was very shaken because I have never had a pain wake me up, or a dream/thought like that. So I made the dumb mistake of feeling my breast and googling things about breast cancer, I eventually made myself believe I had it. I was so freaked out I made an appt with my family doctor, she felt the area of concern and told me I was fine and she was very nice. But once I got that validation, my brain then moved throughout my body to scan for other imaginary cancers, over the months I have convinced myself I had sarcoma in my ribs and legs, bone cancer in my hand, brain tumors, lymphoma, and neck cancer, this worry caused horrible pain all over my body, I know my anxiety caused the pain but I actually started to believe I was dying.
I stopped going to the gym 4 times a week (something that I loved) because I believed I shouldn't be working out when I have tumors all over my body. I stopped eating right because there was no point if I was just going to die soon. I stopped hanging out with friends because whenever I left my house my fear of having cancer got worse when I wasn't all by myself and I got moody around people I cared about. After college classes I would come home and cry and curl up in my bed and google everything to try and convince myself I wasn't dying, and art, my favorite passion in the world became hard to do because I was worried I would never be able to draw or paint again because I would be dead soon, it was my only thing to take my mind off of cancer though so I did it anyways.
As the summer started and I began lifeguarding I started taking prozac, I was still an anxious mess while on duty but around september the anxiety finally died down and I felt happy again, then November it and for some ready my breast cancer anxiety came back, I made the dumbest mistake of going off my prozac, so that defiantly did not help at all, I became moody once again and anxious in every class because it was hard to focus on anything but cancer.
fast forward to now, I am getting back on prozac, I saw another doctor about the pain in my breast and she poked in the area and said since it isn't persistent I am okay, she felt no lumps or anything concerning, exactly like my last doctor. but my anxious mind keeps telling me: the cancer is there its just too tiny to feel, the cancer isn't there at the moment but will be there in a couple of years! Heck, my mom even told me she gets the same pain in then same area and from a nerve I am still not relived, I cannot win, I have no logic anymore and it is very hard to distinguish logic from fantasy. I come on here because I am too embarrassed to ever tell this stuff to people in real life because if I did they would think I am insane (ready any of my posts, there ridiculous). I do not know how to stop this, my prozac is hardly even working anymore, I think I am dying 24/7 and I am only 20. I cannot be passionate about anything I love anymore because I think I will be dead soon, I want to live my life again knowing I have a future and knowing I will be okay but no matter what I do my brain will not let me believe it. I would really appreciate any advice, thank you for reading my very long rant.
It started almost a year ago on march first, I was in my second year of college studying illustration in hopes of becoming this great graphic designer/artist, I was full of projects and happiness. Then, one night I had this pain on the left side of my breast, as I rolled over to rub it my half asleep mind convinced myself it was breast cancer. The next morning I was very shaken because I have never had a pain wake me up, or a dream/thought like that. So I made the dumb mistake of feeling my breast and googling things about breast cancer, I eventually made myself believe I had it. I was so freaked out I made an appt with my family doctor, she felt the area of concern and told me I was fine and she was very nice. But once I got that validation, my brain then moved throughout my body to scan for other imaginary cancers, over the months I have convinced myself I had sarcoma in my ribs and legs, bone cancer in my hand, brain tumors, lymphoma, and neck cancer, this worry caused horrible pain all over my body, I know my anxiety caused the pain but I actually started to believe I was dying.
I stopped going to the gym 4 times a week (something that I loved) because I believed I shouldn't be working out when I have tumors all over my body. I stopped eating right because there was no point if I was just going to die soon. I stopped hanging out with friends because whenever I left my house my fear of having cancer got worse when I wasn't all by myself and I got moody around people I cared about. After college classes I would come home and cry and curl up in my bed and google everything to try and convince myself I wasn't dying, and art, my favorite passion in the world became hard to do because I was worried I would never be able to draw or paint again because I would be dead soon, it was my only thing to take my mind off of cancer though so I did it anyways.
As the summer started and I began lifeguarding I started taking prozac, I was still an anxious mess while on duty but around september the anxiety finally died down and I felt happy again, then November it and for some ready my breast cancer anxiety came back, I made the dumbest mistake of going off my prozac, so that defiantly did not help at all, I became moody once again and anxious in every class because it was hard to focus on anything but cancer.
fast forward to now, I am getting back on prozac, I saw another doctor about the pain in my breast and she poked in the area and said since it isn't persistent I am okay, she felt no lumps or anything concerning, exactly like my last doctor. but my anxious mind keeps telling me: the cancer is there its just too tiny to feel, the cancer isn't there at the moment but will be there in a couple of years! Heck, my mom even told me she gets the same pain in then same area and from a nerve I am still not relived, I cannot win, I have no logic anymore and it is very hard to distinguish logic from fantasy. I come on here because I am too embarrassed to ever tell this stuff to people in real life because if I did they would think I am insane (ready any of my posts, there ridiculous). I do not know how to stop this, my prozac is hardly even working anymore, I think I am dying 24/7 and I am only 20. I cannot be passionate about anything I love anymore because I think I will be dead soon, I want to live my life again knowing I have a future and knowing I will be okay but no matter what I do my brain will not let me believe it. I would really appreciate any advice, thank you for reading my very long rant.