Dealing with a very real trigger

[anxiousbelle]

Hi,

I haven't posted on here in a few years, but feel like I need some support. For the last ten years I have had a phobia of death, more specifically incurable brain tumours. It came off the back of watching a TV programme when I was younger, and just stuck into my brain.

Anyway, flash forward to now. Anxiety is relatively under control with medication. But this last week has been horrific. My boyfriends best friend, with whom he lives, with her and her boyfriend, 2 hours away from me, has been diagnosed with a brain tumour. He's in the hospital 24/7 with her, and trying to support his other friend who has panicked shaved his head, and proposed to her. Everything they wanted seems to have disappeared right before their eyes in the space of a couple of days. It's like watching my fear come to life and unfold.

The person I would usually turn to is my boyfriend, but obviously he is at his friends bedside, where I want him to be. Not dealing with his anxious girlfriend, so I haven't mentioned my anxiety or my upset to him, as ultimately he has enough going on. I can't go down to visit as he wants to be with his friends, and I don't want to impose on their house, or their very personal tragedy.

The added complication is that my boyfriend is Australian, and on a two year work/travel visa that will be coming to an end in November. We have little time left together, and it feels like its coming closer to the end. All of this is so much compiled that I just don't know how to function. Every word I speak to someone turns into tears, every message filled with negativity. I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare, and I just want to curl up in a ball and protect myself and all my loved ones from how cruel the world is.

[ErinKC]

I'm so sorry to hear this and I hope that there is something they can do for her! I know more than one person who has survived a brain tumor, so without all the details, it's certainly possible.

I want to point out what you said here, though: "It's like watching my fear come to life and unfold."

While I know it feels like that, it is not your worst fears coming to life. Your fear is that YOU will get a brain tumor and die. That has still not happened. While, watching something go through a disease you're very frightened of is difficult, nothing is actually happening to you. I think this is important to remember. You are afraid of brain tumors, but this person has a brain tumor. At any given time any number of people around you have brain tumors, but this has no effect on you or your likelihood of getting one. Try to separate yourself from this situation so you can be there for your boyfriend in whatever way you're able.