View Full Version : Diagnosed with PTSD, depression... i need help

15-02-19, 10:23
I would like to start by saying that i apologize for my bad grammar as english isnt my first language. Hopefully you can all understand what i am trying to say.

I really do not know where to start as ive never been really good at expressing myself. It always made me felt like if i did it, i would appear as some sort of attention seeker. Matter of fact, this is my first time that im doing it because i feel quite exhausted and frankly dont know what to do anymore...

Ill try to be brieve while giving you as much infos as i can concerning my situation and hopefully if someone relate then maybe they can share some advices or tips because i feel completely lost.

I am 31 years old gay male and has had anxiety since 16 years old following the passing of a friend that was also 16 at the time. He had an injury while doing karate and an infection went into his blood and then spread in his heart. He needed a heart transplant and unfortunately, the day of the operation his body rejected the heart.

At that time it shocked me because where i grew up and how my family raised me, i was always told that people are suppose to die old. That you cant die young. I had that concept in my mind and when he passed it kind of went against everything that i was told. I then started having anxiety (specifically heart anxiety (cardiophobia).

At that time, i just stopped doing drugs (i did drugs for a whole year when i was 15 years old then stopped 3 days after my 16th birthday after a bad experience that led me to the hospital). That was on January 9, 2004. My friend passed in February the next month. I was going through withdrawal at that time and i have to admit it was very hard. I had to stop going to school as i couldnt concentrate anymore.

My parents divorced when i was 3 years old. Growing up, both of my parents took care of me (i was seeing my mother 1 week, my father 1 week, etcetc). But there was some problems that seemed to affect me growing up:

My mother is an alcoholic (even though she refuse to admit it.). I remember sometimes when i was young and doing homework at home, i couldnt understand some homework and she was too drunk to help me. So the next day i had problems with teacher as i didnt completed my homework. Shes the kind of person that people label as functional alcoholic. Even though we didnt had alot of money, she always took care of me (financially). The problem was when she was drunk (which was every day after 7-8pm).

When i stopped school for 6 months during my withdrawal, she would keep telling me really nasty things that even till this day are still stuck in my head (and im 31 now...). Everytime i was going to get dinner in the kitchen, she was sitting in her sofa pretending to talk to someone saying why her children has to be such a failure, why she couldnt have the neighbor instead of me, etc. Even though it was clearly hurting me at that time, i still tried to make her smile and laugh because i know that she, herself, also had to deal with difficulties in her life.

So while she was telling me these things, i would respond funny things to try to make her laugh to no avail. It was just who she was. There was even time where it was so much that i prefered to stay in my room downstairs and i was skipping dinner because i didnt felt like i deserved to eat. Or i would wait until she sleep to go eat.

As i wasnt going out much and had problems socializing with people, i ended up with no friends (or almost none). My night and week-ends were spent on the computer, playing video games and meeting people there. Then one week-end in 2007, i took all the courage ive had and went to a gay club for the first time of my life on my own (i tried for a year to go but i didnt want to go on my own and didnt had people that wanted to go with me so i was staying home instead).

I took the trip to the city and had a beautiful night until i got stabbed outside. Someone stabbed me in my left hand after i asked where the metro was. I do not know why but i guess it was simply because i was gay (i am not sure though...). At that time i was panicking as i was seeing blood coming out of my hand and i ran and asked others where was the nearest hospital.

While the stab itself wasnt that bad (only needed 4 stitches...) for a young person like me at that time and in the state of mind that i was, it was terrifying. Once at the hospital, i called my mother crying and told her that i just got stabbed and to come to the hospital. It was around Midnight at that time. She was drunk and was sleeping and told me that she will leave 20$ on the table downstairs and that she does not drive to the city. Then she hang up on me... This is something that i still have problem forgiving her even though i love her very much.

Around the sametime me and my father stopped talking to each others after a confrontation that we had. That went from 2004 to 2010. In 2010, after years of depression and not knowing what to do, i decided to move to Thailand with friends. There ive learned new things that made me happier (Thai Boxing, Teaching in school, cooking thai food, etc) and i developped new relationships with people. The thai society and people are very open to LGBT and i find the lifestyle here way better than back home.

Since that time i tried to reach twice to my father (once in 2011 and once in 2015). We did speak to each others again but not for a long time. Our last discussion was in 2016. I havent speak to him after that and will never have the chance to speak to him again as he passed away on August 28th.

One thing that i forgot to mention is that in 2015 ive had a bad motorcycle accident in which i almost lost my life. Luckily the hospital was close and i had a friend with me because if that wasnt the case, i wouldve died. I was losing too much blood and my heart stopped as i arrived to the hospital. They injected me adrenaline and i cameback. The doctor was doing stitches and told me that my blood pressure was very low. I dont remember the rest of what he was saying as i felt again unconscious after and woke up the next day.

I had to stay a week at the hospital. My father (he knew i had an accident) never tried to reach out. My mother did though and the people at the school where i was working were very kind and visited me almost every day. I felt very affected by the fact that my father just ignored me even though i came close to passing. It affected me to the point where i started to be an alcoholic myself.

Even till this day i consider myself an alcoholic. I do not drink every day but i do drink 3-4 days a week and when i do, i simply cant stop. My mother is the same and my grandfather used to be the same also. I remember one night here in Thailand, i was drunk and spoke to my mother on skype at midnight and i told her that if something would happen to my father i dont know if i would be there for him because i felt rejected by him and i felt like i was worthless. I was angry and i hangup on her.

6 hours later, she called me to inform me that my father just passed away after having suffered an heart attack. That was a very hard blow.

For first, he was my father and i loved him no matter what. For second, i knew at that time that it would now be impossible to fix our problems that we had. For third, he died from heart disease which is something that ive always feared. Since he passed away, i gained 15 pounds and i drank more than usually. I do/did somehow exercise as it help me to cope with the pain but mentally i feel absolutely drained.

Ive never had confidence in myself since a young age and now that this happened i feel completely alone and depressed. I actually went to the hospital and got diagnosed with PTSD & Depression. I am crying just writting this because i feel so lost. I am looking at myself and i am ashamed of who i am becoming. I want to succeed and do something good so my dad can be proud of me but as of now it just seems like i dont have the strength. My mother is gonna turn 60 in June and now i cant stop thinking of what if she goes. I am afraid and i do not want to lose her. Matter of fact i do not want to lose anyone anymore. Ive lost enough in my life.

I want to win. I want to find someone for me that i can take care of and pass the good things that my parents teached me. I hate to say it but i am at rock bottom now. Advices would be so much appreciated as i dont know what to do.

Sorry for the long post...
Love, Matt.

20-02-19, 09:33
Hey Matt,

Well done for being so honest about everything! I hope that writing it down helped to release some of those awful feelings for you. I'm really sorry that you have been through all of that. I too have depression, anxiety and PTSD and absolutely know how very hard it is to keep trying to function whilst being constantly haunted by your past.

Are you taking any medication? And do you have any talking therapies? These are absolutely crucial to you right now and I know that I would not have come so far without them.

My parents don't really love me either. Perhaps in their own way, but they were both neglectful alcoholics. My dad left when I was 3 and I didn't see him for a long time, my mum also failed to look after me in most ways. I mean we had a house that was warm and I had clothes and food until I got a bit older and 'didn't deserve them' - It has stayed with me and it will stay with you, however with proper therapy you can learn to process these feelings and lessen their hold of you.

I'm really sorry that you lost your father. I'm lucky in that mine are still alive, I have a relationship with them simply because I know that I will regret it if something happens to them.

You said those words to your mother in anger, you weren't to know he would die that day. It's awful and so sad, but please try to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt that you are carrying.

You absolutely deserved to have kind and loving parents that fully met your needs, unfortunately you didn't get this and it can be a very, very hard thing to come to terms with; but it's not impossible. Do you have good friends? I've found surrounding myself with good friends has helped me hugely.

It does get better. A diagnosis can hit you hard, but it's a good thing because now you know what you are dealing with and you can make plans to move forwards.

Sending love and light.
Emma xxxx