Moving in with my boyfriend.

[Missjensen]

Hi guys.

My boyfriend and I decided to move in together 1. April, we have been together for almost a year and it just seemed like the right thing to do, I've pretty much been living here the past three months.

At first I was just really happy and exited about the hole deal, but now the anxiety starts to come creeping in on me. My boyfriend is a great chunk older than me and makes more money than I will properly ever do, I fear that im holding him down, that if I was not poor, we could have a nicer home or if I was not limited both by money and anxiety we could travel to far away and exotic destinations.

I am a student right now and to be honest, I'm not doing so well lately, I've lost motivation and willpower, because of my anxiaty going to school and writing a monthly exam is slowly tearing me down and I dont know if I have the ability to come out on the other side with a degree. I also have no imagination of what I am supposed to do, If I can't study. I am very narrow minded and for me it feels like if I can't do this, I may as well just lay down and die, because I will never have a career and alway be a poor loser. I know it's an extreme way of thinking, but I can't help it.

So the bottom line is I feel like im hindering my partner from having an amazing life full of amazing things and its all down to my anxiety and lack of willpower. And when I move in with him, I have to provide for both of us instead of just me.

Any tips how to cope with these bad feeling and anxiety about change?

[WiseMonkey]

It sounds like you're not ready to move in with your older boyfriend yet and that's OK. You've only been together 1 year so there's plenty of time. Why not concentrate on your uni study and getting your degree before moving in together. When you have completed your degree, your self confidence and self esteem will grow and your may feel that you can contribute more all round.

I'm older and have been with my partner for 6 years but we only moved in together 2 years ago. Also having a boyfriend who is 'a huge chunk' older than you may sub conscientiously be causing you stress? A few years after my divorce, I met a man who was 15 years older than me. Thank goodness we never lived together because after 3 years the age gap began to show, I was still young and he was aging rapidly (in attitude)! It was easier to end the relationship as we weren't living together.

[Missjensen]

It sounds like you're not ready to move in with your older boyfriend yet and that's OK. You've only been together 1 year so there's plenty of time. Why not concentrate on your uni study and getting your degree before moving in together. When you have completed your degree, your self confidence and self esteem will grow and your may feel that you can contribute more all round.

I'm older and have been with my partner for 6 years but we only moved in together 2 years ago. Also having a boyfriend who is 'a huge chunk' older than you may sub conscientiously be causing you stress? A few years after my divorce, I met a man who was 15 years older than me. Thank goodness we never lived together because after 3 years the age gap began to show, I was still young and he was aging rapidly (in attitude)! It was easier to end the relationship as we weren't living together.

I sadly lost my motivation on my study before getting with my partner, I'm not sure its the right path for me right now, I may need to take a break and work for some time before finishing my degree. My partner is very supportive of my choices.

The age different is not really causing me much stress, I'm stressed about holding him down or afraid he is not gonna achieve his dreams because of me, but that my anxiety and I would feel the same way no matter the age. I'm afraid of flying and sailing so traveling is not easy for me and I'm always concerned that people around me dont get to experience all they want because of me. Luckily my partner loves to go on diving holidays and since I dont know how to dive, he just goes himself.

I can't say how our relationship is in three years or if the age different matters more then, but I still have my apartment where my roommate lives, so I have something to fall back on. I can't say how you felt about your older Ex boyfriend, But I feel right with my partner, I know its a cliche but I really love him truly like I haven't loved anybody before.

The only reason I mentioned the age was to display to diffrent In where we are in life and Job/student and my anxiety about that. I love him so much I just want the best for him and my anxiety says I'm not the best for anybody and I will just make peoples lifes more complicated and horrible.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Isn't this up to him? He is freely choosing to move in with you. I think it's perfectly natural when you care about someone to put them first and worry your perceived failings could impact on them negatively.

I've said to my GF that if my struggles getting the way of her having a more normal life ever became too much I would understand her leaving me and see it as the right thing for her as she didn't sign on for this (my breakdown came later). Her answer was that's not what she wants.

This decision is his and if he knows what he is doing and why then why not trust in his decision?

Discuss it, let him tell you why this doesn't concern him. It's a big step and anxiety is hard with change anyway let alone the bigger commitments. You could ease into it by spending more time together e.g. holidays (if not already), spend a week or two living in each others places, etc.

If you were saying you don't know about this because you are not sure it is right for you, whether it's because of family or career or just not being as committed to a partner as they are to you, then it's a different matter. But saying it's because you don't feel good enough is about doubt and self esteem but you are forgetting that this is his choice and as long as he feels ready it only matters you feel it's what you want too.

Just don't feel pressurised into something that you aren't ready for.

[Missjensen]

Isn't this up to him? He is freely choosing to move in with you. I think it's perfectly natural when you care about someone to put them first and worry your perceived failings could impact on them negatively.

I've said to my GF that if my struggles getting the way of her having a more normal life ever became too much I would understand her leaving me and see it as the right thing for her as she didn't sign on for this (my breakdown came later). Her answer was that's not what she wants.

This decision is his and if he knows what he is doing and why then why not trust in his decision?

Discuss it, let him tell you why this doesn't concern him. It's a big step and anxiety is hard with change anyway let alone the bigger commitments. You could ease into it by spending more time together e.g. holidays (if not already), spend a week or two living in each others places, etc.

If you were saying you don't know about this because you are not sure it is right for you, whether it's because of family or career or just not being as committed to a partner as they are to you, then it's a different matter. But saying it's because you don't feel good enough is about doubt and self esteem but you are forgetting that this is his choice and as long as he feels ready it only matters you feel it's what you want too.

Just don't feel pressurised into something that you aren't ready for.

Thank you so much for this one!

It is totally up to him to choose to be with me, I have already told him about my worries and told him that I felt like he would be happier with someone without anxiety and with more money and a better career. He told me money doesn’t matter and he rather be with me than anyone else. So I guess I just have to trust him on that even though I feel so unworthy.

The last three months I’ve been living with him in that way that I’ve been sleeping there every night and everything been super fine no problems at all. I guess that why there was no reason not to make it official, that way I can get some of my stuff over and I don’t have to pay bills for something I don’t use because I’m never home. We already begun moving my pictures and speakers.

Of cause I’m anxious about the hole big official transition period but I guess it’s mostly my anxiety speaking since it is a big step life.