Sylver1975
26-02-19, 17:00
My parents have always had a pretty fractious relationship. I'm now 43 and still feel I can't escape their dramas. I work near their house so call there most days at lunchtime, always with a sense of apprehension as to what the atmosphere will be like. Today, my Dad was out and even then I knew from my Mum that something was up. Eventually got it out of her that they had a big row on Sunday. Dad has gone away for the day - I rang to enquire where he was - he said he'd be back late and was going for "a few pints".
Dad has depression and also suffers from paranoia and so shouldn't really be drinking on top of his medication, though he probably hasn't taken it as when they fall out, it's the first thing he does, stops taking his pills because I think he knows it makes us all worry more. My mum asked me to call there after work but really, right now, I don't think I'm going to. I just don't see how it will help for me to listen to her going on about whatever he's done wrong, no more than it would for him to do the same.
There are times I wish they split up but Mum says she can't leave as she's afraid he'd attempt suicide if she did as a way to punish her. She may well be right, he's downed a pile of tablets in front of her before in the midst of a row.
My question is, how to stand back from this without cutting all contact? I suffer with anxiety myself, I was on medication for 9 years until I weaned myself off it in January 2018. I would say 99.9% of my stress comes from my family. I often wish I could emigrate and live on the opposite side of the world so I wouldn't have to be drawn into their dramas.
It may sound harsh but part of me looks forward to the day when one or both of them have passed away, like only then could I breathe easily. I'm the eldest of 4 but the only one who gets drafted in as some kind of referee, as a child I was the one who was the go-between when they weren't speaking "Tell your mother...." "Tell your father...." etc. I don't think I've yet learned how to not take on that role. I feel like it's my "Job" to fix them. Obviously, because of Dad's issues, I worry about him more but I also know that we tend to pussyfoot around him a lot because of our fear of upsetting him, which is partly why my Mum's resentment builds until it explodes. She says she gets sick of always biting her tongue. This most recent row was because he was in a mood over a football match and got into a rage because Mum was singing along to the radio (she's not got a note in her head) and he kicked the footstool she had her legs up on and shook his fist at her. A complete over-reaction but that's how he is, he has a very quick temper.
I would love to just not call there at all for a week or two and hope they sort it out themselves but I know I'd feel guilty if I didn't call, plus if I don't go then Mum usually rings me to ask why. Funny thing is my sister is there much more often and for longer but she hasn't even noticed they're not speaking, whereas I seem to have a built-in radar for their moods.
Ignorance is bliss, isn't it?
Dad has depression and also suffers from paranoia and so shouldn't really be drinking on top of his medication, though he probably hasn't taken it as when they fall out, it's the first thing he does, stops taking his pills because I think he knows it makes us all worry more. My mum asked me to call there after work but really, right now, I don't think I'm going to. I just don't see how it will help for me to listen to her going on about whatever he's done wrong, no more than it would for him to do the same.
There are times I wish they split up but Mum says she can't leave as she's afraid he'd attempt suicide if she did as a way to punish her. She may well be right, he's downed a pile of tablets in front of her before in the midst of a row.
My question is, how to stand back from this without cutting all contact? I suffer with anxiety myself, I was on medication for 9 years until I weaned myself off it in January 2018. I would say 99.9% of my stress comes from my family. I often wish I could emigrate and live on the opposite side of the world so I wouldn't have to be drawn into their dramas.
It may sound harsh but part of me looks forward to the day when one or both of them have passed away, like only then could I breathe easily. I'm the eldest of 4 but the only one who gets drafted in as some kind of referee, as a child I was the one who was the go-between when they weren't speaking "Tell your mother...." "Tell your father...." etc. I don't think I've yet learned how to not take on that role. I feel like it's my "Job" to fix them. Obviously, because of Dad's issues, I worry about him more but I also know that we tend to pussyfoot around him a lot because of our fear of upsetting him, which is partly why my Mum's resentment builds until it explodes. She says she gets sick of always biting her tongue. This most recent row was because he was in a mood over a football match and got into a rage because Mum was singing along to the radio (she's not got a note in her head) and he kicked the footstool she had her legs up on and shook his fist at her. A complete over-reaction but that's how he is, he has a very quick temper.
I would love to just not call there at all for a week or two and hope they sort it out themselves but I know I'd feel guilty if I didn't call, plus if I don't go then Mum usually rings me to ask why. Funny thing is my sister is there much more often and for longer but she hasn't even noticed they're not speaking, whereas I seem to have a built-in radar for their moods.
Ignorance is bliss, isn't it?