Shadowhawk
28-02-19, 13:51
Like so many here, my anxiety is quite insidious.. it likes to hide and spring up at the most random of times, triggered by things we don't expect, or even things that haven't scared us before. Sadly last night was one of those times, and i am doing quite poorly at getting my head squared away..
So, I have a big interview today (not a new job, but for an upgrade at my current position), so i was busy getting ready last night, including the usual showering and shaving. In the process of washing, i noted some blood blisters on my... ahem.. male area. At first, i wasn't really concerned about it, but i did note them. After a bit, i was curious about treatment and removal (i have actually noted one or two of these there (and only there, as it is important), which inadvertently got me into my current mess.
The long and short - i found that the blisters (angiokeratoma) are typically innocent, BUT, can be a sign of an uncommon/rare genetic disease - Fabry disease. Of course, finding a linked disease led me down the rabbit hole; i have learned there is early and late onset, and that it is passed down genetically (i have a daughter....). Even worse, while there is some level of treatment, its not great, and people don't have amazing prognosis typically.
Truthfully, i would have never had a reason to even think of this disease were it not for the spots. But now that i know, i cannot help but look at other issues my body has and wonder if they are connected. Recently, i have been having some GI issues where i have to go after a meal (this is cited as a symptom). This has only been happening a few weeks, but i have been dealing with abdominal pains and issues for longer (also cited).
More critically, the disease can damage the heart, in the way mine is (minor LVH). Up until now, i have thought it was due to my apnea (treated) and associated blood pressure, but i further worry it might be this. The disease can also damage the kidney (renal failure is common), but so far my blood work with regards to them have been great.
When i google and search, i see people my age (35) and younger reporting these spots, but of course google also likes leading me to info saying that this is only an "old person" issue, and that these should be investigated in young people (but nothing saying how young is young).
Finally, my heart is breaking in advance for my daughter, thinking that she already has a crappy dad (i dont hold myself in high esteem after the wife had an affair), and now has to deal with being genetically broken too. What kind of life will i have given my poor little girl? She already deserved better than me, and now i am afraid i have really doomed her. She is so sweet, and such a good, fun kid, i can't imagine anything happening to her.
Sorry for the wall of text....
I have a regular appointment with my cardiologist in two weeks, and i will ask him about it. Sadly, i fear he will blow me off since he is well versed in my anxiety, and i won't get help that could prolong my life. (Speaking of help, i have an appointment next week with a psych to get on a useful dose of Zoloft.. 25mg just isn't cutting it). I am scared, and feeling alone again, and already feeling regret knowing i won't be there for my little girl. I am terrified of death, and just when i think i am getting things in order (i lost 88lb and am working out), something new comes along to make me think its all for naught.
So, I have a big interview today (not a new job, but for an upgrade at my current position), so i was busy getting ready last night, including the usual showering and shaving. In the process of washing, i noted some blood blisters on my... ahem.. male area. At first, i wasn't really concerned about it, but i did note them. After a bit, i was curious about treatment and removal (i have actually noted one or two of these there (and only there, as it is important), which inadvertently got me into my current mess.
The long and short - i found that the blisters (angiokeratoma) are typically innocent, BUT, can be a sign of an uncommon/rare genetic disease - Fabry disease. Of course, finding a linked disease led me down the rabbit hole; i have learned there is early and late onset, and that it is passed down genetically (i have a daughter....). Even worse, while there is some level of treatment, its not great, and people don't have amazing prognosis typically.
Truthfully, i would have never had a reason to even think of this disease were it not for the spots. But now that i know, i cannot help but look at other issues my body has and wonder if they are connected. Recently, i have been having some GI issues where i have to go after a meal (this is cited as a symptom). This has only been happening a few weeks, but i have been dealing with abdominal pains and issues for longer (also cited).
More critically, the disease can damage the heart, in the way mine is (minor LVH). Up until now, i have thought it was due to my apnea (treated) and associated blood pressure, but i further worry it might be this. The disease can also damage the kidney (renal failure is common), but so far my blood work with regards to them have been great.
When i google and search, i see people my age (35) and younger reporting these spots, but of course google also likes leading me to info saying that this is only an "old person" issue, and that these should be investigated in young people (but nothing saying how young is young).
Finally, my heart is breaking in advance for my daughter, thinking that she already has a crappy dad (i dont hold myself in high esteem after the wife had an affair), and now has to deal with being genetically broken too. What kind of life will i have given my poor little girl? She already deserved better than me, and now i am afraid i have really doomed her. She is so sweet, and such a good, fun kid, i can't imagine anything happening to her.
Sorry for the wall of text....
I have a regular appointment with my cardiologist in two weeks, and i will ask him about it. Sadly, i fear he will blow me off since he is well versed in my anxiety, and i won't get help that could prolong my life. (Speaking of help, i have an appointment next week with a psych to get on a useful dose of Zoloft.. 25mg just isn't cutting it). I am scared, and feeling alone again, and already feeling regret knowing i won't be there for my little girl. I am terrified of death, and just when i think i am getting things in order (i lost 88lb and am working out), something new comes along to make me think its all for naught.