I cannot escape the fear...

[Shadowhawk]

Sigh..... I feel like I will never be able to escape my anxiety.

I just had my cardiologist follow up, and right out of the gate, they strap an EKG on me.. so of course my anxiety shoots up. And the nurse won't tell me anything.

I see the doc, and he is blown away by the progress, and even wants to get me on a brochure showing change is possible. He loved my blood pressure. Said everything looks fine, but me being nosy... Damn me being nosy... I see that the EKG had "abnormal - St depression...." On it, and so I panic. Ask him about it, and he reassured me not to worry. Between the LVH we know I have, and the machines being hyper sensitive, he saw no concerns (looking at the raw data). He said I really need to not worry about the heart failure worry, and my progress is awesome..

And yet, here I am, doubting the professional. I hear all the time that EKGs are known to be overly sensitive and docs ignore the flags all the time. But my anxiety.. in my case, I fear the machine is right and he is wrong, and I'm screwed...

So much for a good start to the weekend..

[Scass]

I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time of it. It sounds like an excellent appointment in which you were told several times that you are doing great and have nothing to worry about.

He’s very qualified, they don’t just tell you not to worry so that they can get you out of their office. If there was a problem they’d be doing everything they could to try and get to the bottom of it. And they’d tell you, they have to.


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[Shadowhawk]

It should have been a great appointment. I have lost 92lb since last year, my BP has come down to even the low end of normal, and my resting rate is now sitting in the 50s.

He was totally ecstatic about my progress. He wants me to keep it up, but was super pleased.

And it's not a GP, it's a cardiologist, so I know he should know his stuff. But he also knows my anxiety.. the dragon tells me that he is down playing the nature of the problem to not worry me, and that things are way more serious than I thought...

[Fishmanpa]

It should have been a great appointment. I have lost 92lb since last year, my BP has come down to even the low end of normal, and my resting rate is now sitting in the 50s.

He was totally ecstatic about my progress. He wants me to keep it up, but was super pleased.

And it's not a GP, it's a cardiologist, so I know he should know his stuff. But he also knows my anxiety.. the dragon tells me that he is down playing the nature of the problem to not worry me, and that things are way more serious than I thought...

May I be brutally honest? Thanks :D

You know damn well you're doing great and that doctors don't lie to their patients to spare them worry! So feel good about that appointment and your accomplishments dammit! Ohhh and keep up the good work! :yesyes:

Positive thoughts

[Shadowhawk]

May I be brutally honest? Thanks :D

You know damn well you're doing great and that doctors don't lie to their patients to spare them worry! So feel good about that appointment and your accomplishments dammit! Ohhh and keep up the good work! :yesyes:

Positive thoughts

I ask for nothing but honesty... As I tell people, I can't fix it if I don't know it's broken. And know that I am always appreciative of your honesty and support (and you too scass!)

You are right, that I would tell ANYONE ELSE in my position the same thing. I would tell them that no trained specialist would let a patient who he thought has a problem walk out with nothing more than a congrats and a six month follow up slip.

My dragon is still strong though, and I one fell swoop makes me believe all my progress is for nothing, my heart has gotten worse, and I will be in failure soon (despite him again flat out saying that is not something he worries about for me now). My mind assumes the manine MUST be right, and he is just being blase or isn't careful, or just doesn't want me to know and worry. I know that no cardiologist would ever do that, but.....

[Fishmanpa]

Is there some deep rooted issue that's preventing you from being happy about this? Perhaps that's something to explore and resolve. I know it's the dragon and all but sometimes you need to learn to say FU to him and be proud of yourself. Well anyway... keep up the good work and add some dragon slaying chops to your arsenal ;)

Positive thoughts

[Shadowhawk]

Is there some deep rooted issue that's preventing you from being happy about this? Perhaps that's something to explore and resolve. I know it's the dragon and all but sometimes you need to learn to say FU to him and be proud of yourself. Well anyway... keep up the good work and add some dragon slaying chops to your arsenal ;)

Positive thoughts

Your question is very valid, and I wish I could get to the root of the answer myself.

For as long as I can remember, anything being wrong takes priority over all else (regardless of how good the else is). This didn't totally disrupt my life until my divorce, where now I let it control my thoughts about my health. Now, if anything is wrong with my health, I assume that it is not only a problem, but a direct one at that (like, catastrophic). It is worse now being a single father.. I dearly love my daughter, and the thought of not being here for her kills me.

In the end.. no matter what I do, I have to keep going. I have more weight to lose, and more progress to make. But I feel like it is overshadowed by the thought that I haven't really made progress, and that despite all my efforts, my heart is only getting worse, not better. Because in the end, I am hung up on the machine saying something is wrong.... So something must be wrong..

[Fishmanpa]

So... are you going to seek real life help?

Positive thoughts

[Shadowhawk]

So... are you going to seek real life help?

Positive thoughts

I am currently working with a LCSW biweekly and now seeing a psych to manage medicine (currently working on finding the right dose of Zoloft). My LCSW is well versed in my fears, and has solidly diagnosed me with both illness anxiety disorder and at least some level of OCD (the OCD explains why I can get so stuck o. The little details).

[Fishmanpa]

Good deal! :yesyes: I'm just saying, based on observation, you got this. You're doing the right things both physically and mentally. This is just a blip as the reality is quite different from what the dragon would have you believe and deep down I believe you know this.

Positive thoughts

[Shadowhawk]

Good deal! :yesyes: I'm just saying, based on observation, you got this. You're doing the right things both physically and mentally. This is just a blip as the reality is quite different from what the dragon would have you believe and deep down I believe you know this.

Positive thoughts

Like I said, I really appreciate and value your support FMP, and thanks for taking the time again this go round. I thought more about your earlier question, and found my other problem - I have major trust issues. They were made far worse by the ex (together more than a decade, and she has an affair and leaves us), so I have a real problem believing people (be it him being deceitful or just missing something, it's all the same.. I just have trust issues)

I know the reality is that everything really is good, and that this blip is meaningless. I have to keep telling myself that no doctor would let me go for 6 months if he had the slightest hint of a problem.... Especially a cardiologist. Hell, he wants to use me already as a success story.. what does that tell me...

[Fishmanpa]

Exactly and some realistic insight as well. Worth bringing up at your next session.

Positive thoughts

[Shadowhawk]

Exactly and some realistic insight as well. Worth bringing up at your next session.

Positive thoughts

For sure will bring it up to both appointments, as I would value what ideas they have for me to work on for the trust.

On a lighter note I found the picture that applies for me tonight..
https://i.imgur.com/xYP1oz2_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium

[Fishmanpa]

On a lighter note I found the picture that applies for me tonight..
https://i.imgur.com/xYP1oz2_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium

More like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnOdAT6H94s :D

Positive thoughts

[Shadowhawk]

More like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnOdAT6H94s :D

Positive thoughts

ROFL.. I can quote that scene by heart ( got a soft spot for those movies). But, you aren't wrong!