What to do When Nothing Works

[Franchesca]

I really don't know what to do or where to go. I had a breakdown a year and half ago....and never recovered, in fact I've gotten worse, and I am so very very scared and hopeless.

I've been seeing a therapist for ten months, without improvement...my third one in five years and she actually was the best of the three, she sounded frustrated and a little mad at me last time we spoke on the phone, probably because I am not improving....I think she is getting ready too leave me, my house call Doctor is moving next month....and I am unable too find another! Not only am I severely agoraphobia but I am disabled, on a walker and wheelchair....going out NOT only causes terrible panic but severe physical pain. The last time I tried to go see a nurse practitioner I fell down and then months later I almost fainted at dentists, the fear of failing and falling have rendered me housebound. Right now I have a ugly purple red painful itchy sore under armpit....had one last year...staph...but this one is worse...antibiotics did not clear it up, I cannot even leave my house to see Dr or urgent care, I know I will fall and faint, and they won't see me...happened last time NO would not see me in that "condition"? I cannot take pain relievers or antidepressants because they tore my stomach apart..so I have nothing too fight the depression and chronic body pain, I take low dose klonopin for panic and health anxiety, it takes the edge off slightly, but not much. Everyday I feel like I'm dying, this spot under my arm is terrifying me, but I can't go out..and no one will come diagnose.

My friends and family have mostly walked away, they consider me the "emotional and Physical cripple"..Also I am 57 years old and scared that it's "too late" to get well. In my 20's-40's I could handle it better...I had youth on my side, was able too walk and could get help...is it too late for me? My husband and child leave a lot...so I am alone a lot..crying everyday and sad and so scared. I don't blame them..I don't want them too see me and what I have become. I look and feel like I'm dying.

I guess I am the "one" that is not going too heal, even my Dr and therapist are disgusted, I have no money left anyway. I have turned too deep prayer, not even for complete healing, just even partial...I feel like my prayers are being blocked...I don't want too die, but cannot live like this anymore, I feel like I am 95 years old, and at the end. My friend once told me I have too accept God's will, which I understand and believe, but it can't be God's will for me too LIVE this shell everyday can it?

I'm sorry this is so long, I stay in bed most of the time, it alleviates a little of the body pain, depression, panic and intense fear. If anyone could help...grateful..but I realize this must be very depressing, and if you would pray for me please. I guess it's in God's hands now since nothing or no medical professional has helped. Thank you for listening. I pray for you all too recover ( and you will) I hope I'm not too old. So worried about armpit...God bless you all thank you again for listening.

[jray23]

I've said a prayer for you.

I don't think I can give you any earth-shattering advice, but I sense from your writing that you are predetermining the worst in your mind. i.e. "this bad thing is going to happen and this bad thing etc". I have found myself doing this quite often lately too in some different situations. The truth is, we don't know what will happen. Just try to catch yourself when you have thoughts like this. And don't judge yourself for having the thought either. Just let it go. This is probably going to be very difficult to do, but keep trying and it might get easier with practice.

Also, is medical marijuana an option for you? I don't know much about it but I've heard that it can sometimes be used as a substitute for the usual pain medications.

Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk

[katniss]

I am so so sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t have any advice for you, but I didn’t want to read and leave. You are worth it and you are loved. I truly believe that no soul will be given a burden beyond that which they cannot bear. I have said a prayer for you as well. I pray that you find strength and healing. Please get that armpit mark checked. It’s likely to be a benign rash of some sort. But it’s obviously giving you a lot of anxiety. Is it possible to have someone like a nurse come and look at it? Could be fungal if it’s not responding to antibiotics. Not sure if you have already hydrocortisone cream?

I hope you feel better soon. Hugs to you

[Franchesca]

Thank you so much Kay and Katniss, your responses helped me, gave me some hope, and thank you so much for praying! I imagine somehow someway I am going to have to leave this house. The spot under my arm is scaring me...using calamine and neo-sporin, hoping and praying perhaps by Monday it will get better. I will try not too think negative thoughts, so very difficult for me but worrying just makes it worse. .Again, Thank you so much for your time and prayers, I. Will try to look up and hope too heal.

[Franchesca]

I'm sorry.. typo meant too say JAY..a little shaky. Thanks.

[ankietyjoe]

Hi

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in right now.

I can't comment on prayer as I'm not religious, but I know it brings a lot of comfort to a lot of people.

You talk about therapy, but I find it curious that you've been in therapy so long. I personally don't believe that analytical therapy has any value in treating anxiety, and if you've been having therapy that long it's clearly not something that's working for you. CBT is a different matter, and can be very useful, but that tends to be 10-20 sessions maximum. Have you tried that yet?

I would also suggest that you stop second guessing how other people feel about your situation. Just because they don't know how to help, it doesn't mean they don't care. Not only have I suffered with brutal anxiety, but I'm also the carer (less so now) for my partner who has severe PTSD from childhood abuse and a near death experience during the birth of our second child. Despite all my own experience with anxiety, I had a long period of time when I didn't know how to help her. I would imagine your family and friends feel the same, they just don't know what to do.

What I learned over the years is that anxiety is self perpetuating. You avoid going out because you know you'll feel panic, but that's not going to work because it eventually happens when you stay home too. I would approach it from several angles and accept that it takes time. You're absolutely not too old to get better, I promise you that.

Start with things that you can control now, and pay special attention to your diet. Sometimes people don't understand how much what you eat effects how you feel. For me, I let my diet slip badly when I was at my worst because I just didn't have the headspace to think about it, but it does make a huge difference to how you feel. Eat plenty of vegetables, as much of it raw as possible. Dark leafy greens are best. Fruit is good too, healthy fats (nuts, seeds, avocado etc). The foods to avoid are refined carbohydrates like bread, pasta, cake, sugar etc. Those tax your body a great deal. This is something you can control at home, and it sounds to me like you feel like you're losing control. There's no downside to improving your diet. This kind of diet does wonder for pain/inflammation too.

Secondly, I would make an extra effort to leave the house each day. Even if you just sit in the garden/yard to start with. If you faint (which you won't) or feel panic, so be it. Try and focus on the fact that you ARE out, and you ARE in control. Again, at my worst I used to start with literally just 90 seconds walking up to the corner and back. I eventually got myself walking around the block (and that a small UK block!) for 5 minutes. Your brain needs to re-learn that being outside isn't really an issue, not in the way you think it is. Perhaps ask your family for some help with this, have them go with you to start with. I bet you'll be surprised at how willing they'll be.

Anxiety can put you in a deep hole, and you need to focus on the first step, not the ultimate goal. That task will be too large to comprehend right now. But you can do it.

[Franchesca]

Thank you Joe, Your post was full of good advice and tips. I think you hit upon something very important...the therapy situation. I don't believe I have ever gotten "proper correct" CBT. The therapists did not seem to really do that, it was more like talk therapy...and I would usually cry and moan about how awful my life had become....going from an active woman, who shopped, cooked, cleaned, walked an hour every night, stores, library, etc....since I became disabled. Every therapy session would leave me crying, sad, depressed, hopeless and not helped, I tried other therapists, but we're so very expensive, since I could not tolerate the antidepressants, therapy was my only other option...I never ever thought this would go on so long...three years...and I realize the chronic pain is stalling my recovery, maybe I am doing all the wrong things, I think the worst, is not being able to differentiate physical from emotional.

And I do understand that family and friends care, but cannot help, before this I was the one who made everybody laugh, helped them with problems, soothed them, etc....that is what they want...the "Old Franchesca" back...I've been told by many they walked away because they could not "stand or bear" too see what I have become, but I cannot stand what I have become. All its done is make me housebound and you were correct, I thought I was protecting myself from panic..I was wrong..it's back. But I must leave my home for medical help.

I am going to try and find an online free CBT course, I was afraid too try because I'm such a negative thinker...and I really need HOW too learn too combat that..I just don't know how??

I do eat healthy, that's one good thing, and I sleep...but too much 10-12 hours a day, but I know why I am doing that, because when I'm sleeping I don't feel the pain and panics much...it's an escape, but I know it's not a good way at all.

Thank you for your reply. And for trying too help me ....Hoping and praying things will get, at least a little better. Thanks.

[ankietyjoe]

I think it's important to understand that your physical and mental issues are linked. You can't separate them into discreet problems. If you are sad, depressed and anxious, your physical pain will be worse, and vice versa.

I think it's also important to understand that a physical disability IS terrible, and that feeling low about it is normal. It doesn't have to always be that way though.

I would urge you to communicate with your friends and family that the old Franchesca is gone. Tell them that you are being reborn, but that journey hasn't ended yet. Tell them you need help and support this time and that if they can't offer that to you, then to stay away. You need to focus on you now, not concern yourself with the needs of others. It's not selfish to need that.

In terms of self help, I would strongly, strongly suggest meditation. One of the issues I have with talk therapy is that it tends to just 'pick at the scab'. You have had a life changing event with the disability, and constantly being reminded of how bad that made you feel serves no purpose whatsoever. The odd thing about anxiety and depression is that there's a lot of truth in the saying 'ignore it and it'll go away'. Meditation helps break the connection between stimulus and response. It physically rewires your brain not to automatically react with panic or dwell on negatives. It's a portable solution that's not effected by your disability. And free!

You're right to suggest that spending so much time in bed is possibly aggravating the problem. Your body is designed to move about and paradoxically not moving will make both physical and mental problems worse. Maybe try reducing the amount of time you stay in bed in stages (I've done what you're doing now, I understand the comfort of hibernation). Is there a local swimming pool that you could use as an eventual goal to help you with exercise? The buoyancy of water could allow you to get out, do some exercise and alleviate the pain. I know it probably seems like an overwhelming suggestion right now, but you can take small steps towards that goal. Don't focus on your ideal situation, just take little steps day by day. Going back to meditation and CBT, both of those tools focus on sitting WITH the sensations you fear, and accepting them. It's incredibly powerful and effective in beating anxiety, as your brain eventually just realises it's fine, you're not actually in danger.

[Phuzella]

Great advice Joe :)

[Scass]

Great advice from Joe, I wish I could add something helpful to it but all I can say is that I’m sorry you are so low. Have faith in yourself, and be a bit kinder to yourself. There is help for you out there, and you are doing brilliantly for seeking it.

[Fishmanpa]

There's a good FREE CBT course (http://cbt4panic.org/) that's been promoted on NMP. The link is in my signature. I used parts of it along with one-on-one therapy for some depression and found it not only helpful for that but for everyday life stressors and situations.

Positive thoughts

[Franchesca]

Thank You Everyone. I was having trouble getting online, bad weather here, I meant to write back yesterday. Joe, I know you spent a lot of time and helpful effort on your post, Thank you, it made a lot of sense. Especially the part about talk therapy being "like keep picking a scab" I understood exactly, I was so confused about after close too a year, it was not only NOT helping, but I felt and got worse?! It made me feel like a failure, like I was taking a med, and therapy and getting worse, that in itself was scary. I will try too ignore and the physical pain, well I may have too learn too live with it, do the best I can, but I know without so much of the depression, panic, and agoraphobia it may be easy to hear....and not fear dying every single day!

Right now I must gather all my courage and see a Dr, I have a lump under my armpit, very tender, itchy and horrible looking that should be looked at, also, blood work...and then a deep teeth cleaning, ( I avoided the dentist and now periodontal issues) I know these things I must do are causing me anxiety, along with the health anxiety, somehow I must be brave and do it, I fear falling and fainting, if I fall it would be very bad because I can barely walk now. Going to do the very best I can.

I did walk my driveway 3x today and managed too eat decently, not just soup, a little meat, brown rice and carrots. If I could just rid myself of the FEAR... Maybe I could at least partially heal. I will check out that CBT you mentioned fishmanpa.. Thank you, You all showed me such support! Thank you for your advice, prayers and time. Very Grateful. Francesca.

[ankietyjoe]

Congrats for the walk!

Just remember to break down your effort into little chunks. If you think about going to the Doctor AND going for a walk AND stopping therapy AND potentially falling AND where you'll be in a year....you're gonna feel panic. Anybody would.

I used to take each day one hour at a time, and only deal with that hour. You've already provided evidence to your brain that you can walk up and down the driveway, and that's a massive step. The next time you go and do it, there will be less fear. Some days will be better than others, but try not to dwell on the 'down' days, because they will happen. Recovery is never linear, and sometimes it feels like you're going backwards. It's those time when you just have to have faith in the process, I guess like you have faith in your religion.

I think not doing the talk therapy will be a relief, and will probably provide you with some mental resolve. It can easily be replaced with self help CBT techniques and meditation. They both work in similar ways and complement each other perfectly well.

[pulisa]

I also suffer from a chronic nerve pain condition and am a carer so have to carry on at all costs. I just wanted to suggest ACT therapy and clinical hypnosis as the best way to move forward, Franchesca. My pain management consultant thinks it's the best way to manage the anxiety-chronic pain cycle. Constant pain creates fear and panic and vice versa. It's also incredibly depressing obviously. CBT may be enough but ACT is more chronic pain management-orientated.

You must feel very isolated and scared-I know I do-but it's very much worth looking into the long term therapy option and sometimes just having a plan of action helps you get out of that "it's all hopeless" mindset"? xx

[Franchesca]

Thank You Joe and Pullsa a for your very comforting informative responses. I so do want to get well, or at least better, my child deserves that, I want to be like his Mom again, I know he is very confused, a being special- needs he does not fully understand Your advice has been so good Joe, and everyone who posted me, I could tell you cared and wanted too help. Pullsa. I guess you understand about the chronic pain and how it makes the depression and panic worse, that's how it all came back...when I took that hard fall...and never healed or recovered...fears of not being able too walk and the constant pain plunged me right back in, agoraphobia is probably the worst of it, housebound, too get care I must be able too travel!

I looked up that ACT before I posted back, it seems like it's a more new form of CBT, through I will look the fishmanpa's link up, a plan of action. The trouble is here in the U.S. health care is Terrible, and looks like to get worse with cutbacks, it's so expensive, and insurance covers nothing. That's why I did the talk phone therapy, it was low cost...and my husband is very upset that after the time and money, I got worse, which is understandable I imagine. Joe you said stopping talk therapy may be a relief..I believe you are correct. Fear is a terrible thing, in my younger days I was fearless, that has changed. But I can't give up...I love my family and sleeping constantly too avoid the panic, fear and pain is not helping. I am going too try my best to gather my courage, ignore the HA symptoms and try to find a solution. I so do love too get your responses, so appreciative and grateful! Thank you so very much.

[ankietyjoe]

Try to remember that everything you're experiencing is connected. You can't separate the physical pain from the anxiety and depression. Your mind and body is an integrated system. The less you move, the more you'll hurt. I completely understand the allure of staying in bed, I did the same thing for a long time but it will only make things worse both physically and mentally. By just getting up and dressed, you are mentally telling yourself you're not going to live like this any more. Recovery can and will take many months, but each time you see a small step of progress, you'll be more accepting of that time frame.

I would also urge you to explore the benefits of meditation. It's an incredibly powerful tool and will speed up your recovery considerably.

And....focus on you first. You can only be there for other people again once you have healed yourself. It's not selfish.

[Fishmanpa]

Check out THIS LINK (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?159331-Get-a-plan-and-get-on-it). Chris was a member here that was really deep in the rabbit hole for a while. He has recovered and is doing great. He left the forum and started a FB group focused on recovery. No reassurance tolerated. As is being talked about on the boards on several threads, it comes down to taking personal responsibility as words on a screen, while they can be helpful, are no substitute for real life help and efforts.

Positive thoughts

[Franchesca]

Hi Everyone, I'm just now reading this. I'm sorry and ashamed to say I had a major meltdown today. All my positive thoughts shot out the window! I woke up and discovered, after close to a month that "sore" under my arm popped. It was quite a bit of blood, I would probably expect, and feel better if it were Pus, but blood, and it keeps draining. My husband said it was good it was draining, but I don't think so. My former PA would NOT call in mucirion, which heals staph infection, he no longer can treat me because he left clinic and no access, I could not go to urgent care, I was shaking and panicking so bad I could not travel, plus without my wheelchair...near impossible...One mobile house call Dr said he would come to my house...but wanted $500.00!! I knew about them the other day...I can not affordable that...I don't know what to do? I am using antibiotic ointment and alcohol, it keeps draining, I so worried about infection, I know I need medical treatment, but so afraid I will fall, has anyone ever had a boil or cyst or staph sore pop on its own and it was OK?? And my child is not feeling well, and I am worried about him, but he can travel with my husband for medical help, which is good and eases my mind. If it gets worse I am going to have to leave my home for medicine and care, last time it was a disaster. My panic and HA are very high.

I feel like a failure. I have to make a decision, risk falling or it getting worse ( how I wish I never heard the words Sepsis or Mesa) I going to TRY to go to UC tomm, I'm going too ask them to see me after hours, or as late as possible, I'm better after dark, it scares me to go but I don't want to die of infection. I am so scared and sick and so very mad at myself for falling apart, and it was a bad scene. Please wish me luck, courage prayers, and bravery to do this. Sorry too bother anyone, you all have been so good to me. Thank you.

[ankietyjoe]

Well first of all, you haven't even begun your recovery journey yet so don't beat yourself up for not getting better EVERY day. Recovery isn't linear, and there will be good days and bad.

As for the sore, I wouldn't worry about it unless it does actually get infected. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. Just keep an eye on it and keep applying the medication. Just because it's popped, doesn't mean it's automatically going to get infected. Not at all. Even if it does get infected, it's highly, highly unlikely to kill you unless you're really unlucky and do nothing about it at all!

You're in a cycle and catastrophic thinking, so focus on dealing with that right now. Keep telling yourself that this problem will pass, and will get better. You don't need to feel panicked into worst case scenario's for what is really just a minor thing.

[Franchesca]

Yes Joe, I am trying not too over think, or catatrophize, if I'm spelling that right. I had a meltdown this morning, I screamed and said bad things too my husband, blaming him because of the fall in the garage when he had oil spilled, I feel just awful about the things I said...misplaced anger, I'm SO mad at myself, I directed it on him, and it was wrong, now my son is having a health issue, and I'm very worried, but he is able to go to Doctor or urgent care for help, very grateful about that!

My staph sore is draining, quite a bit....it's scaring me, but in a way perhaps it's a good thing infection is getting cleaned out found a tube of "Mucerion" his dermatologist prescribed a few months back, the pharmacist AND expensive mobile Dr, who I never saw, said it was the right medicine for staph or cysts, but it's been draining for 48 hours?! Is that normal? How I wish I had never gone on the computer, way too much information.

I feel very sick, headache, nausea, fear, exhaustion, etc.....and worried about my child. I really need a plan of action as all you guys suggested, my body and mind cannot take it, and sleeping only puts a bandage on it. Three very long years and I wiped out, I have to try harder and not over think with fear!

I will clink that link on CBT. And look into ACT...I'm kind of "on my own" for awhile, without a Doctor or Therapist, and I will try Meditation.., anything, too at least reduce it and I will pray. I think once this terrible sore goes away, I might feel better. Thank you all for listening, You responses, care and concern help me immensely. Thankful.