View Full Version : PTSD and Triggers
PTSD can happen after shock of an accident, illness, loss, horrific events and more. Triggers can open these wounds in the form of anxiety symptoms and panic attacks.
But, sometimes we are not consciously aware of what constitutes as a trigger, say for instance when we watch tv, listen to music or what we think are normal daily tasks.
The subconscious plays a big part in this and some of us try to find the causes to relieve the attacks.
And even if we do that, is avoidance the right thing to do or are we punishing ourselves by exposing ourselves to the things that make us feel ill?
I would be interested to hear other people's stories and experiences after the event.
Mine was a car crash and although I have driven again in small doses, after 5 long years, I still find it a major problem.
Although, there have been other events in my life that I think has caused a similar affect and could also be put in the category of PTSD.
So maybe, our fears are more widespread than one event? :shrug:
Disappointing to have no responses when Nicola kindly created a sub-forum on a few people's requests. :lac:
Now I feel embarrassed backing the idea up. :lac:
Sorry, Carnation. I don't have an official PTSD diagnosis, but I still occasionally suffer flashbacks to the abuse I went through at the hands of my parents and an ex.
I still get very uneasy when I see a parent punishing a child in public; it might not trigger a full-blown panic attack but it definitely brings on a profound desire to escape.
Hug for BlueIris :hugs:
Memories do stay with us even if they are bad, we can't wipe them out, but our feelings stay the same about an incident. It's how we react to that memory and I think we become protective of others that are in a similar situation.
That is the human reaction to a feeling and that is called empathy. :hugs:
EmmerLooeez
07-04-19, 20:55
Hi!
Please don't feel embarrassed for backing my request up because I didn't reply. I haven't been online since because I've been going through a flare up and shutting off from everyone.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm very sorry that you suffer so, but well done for driving again. It's too true about the triggers. I'm still figuring a lot of mine out.
Thank you for the back up. Perhaps one day I will feel confident enough to share my story. Regardless of the trauma it's nice to know that we're not alone. Take care. X
I guess this is a slot I’d fit into but like a lot of people on here I have never really been given a label or diagnosed , surprising as at my worst I was hallucinating and crying like a baby but it’s not like a broken leg where Dr looks and goes that’s a broken leg you’ve got there .
my ongoing state started seven years ago after choking on some food , a bloody pork scratching of all things ( my own fault should have stuck with being a vegetarian) so I stopped breathing infront of my family and no one could help , obviously I survived the incident after a trip to hospital but I couldn’t stop going over and over what had happened and how it could have turned out differently, after no sleep for a couple of weeks the doc said try antidepressants but didnt actually say what they were , they just opened up my mind even more to a point where I started to think I might be in a coma dreaming or maybe I did die that night , anyway long and short it opened up a can of worms I doubt I will ever get the lid back on .
so no anxiety , depression or ptsd ever actually formally diagnosed,it may well be on my records but never said to me or written down .
Ive seen the crisis team , psychiatrist , therapist and done CBT , the only time anyone said this is what’s wrong with you was the therapist who I told everything to and she said you seem to have PTSD , she suggested some eye movement type therapy but it never happened .
The other problem was which event started the ptsd, I know which one brought it to a head but I think it started way before porkscratchygate, I saw a boy killed when I was ten which is still a fresh memory, an older lad tried to drown me at about the same age , I had a bad trip on mushrooms at seventeen and ended up in hospital, my dad dropped dead infront of me at 29 , and being told my daughter was going to die after an overdose which she pulled through. Plus one thing I can’t put on here that I haven’t spoken to anyone about and probably never will .
All of these memories cannot be erased but it would be good to know what the hell to do with them .
This brings me on to triggers , hospitals bring most events back but I can’t avoid them , virtually every time I go to hospital with family it triggers my worst fears . Next is eating I have a massive fear of choking again, if a crumb goes down the wrong hole instant panic sets in to a point where my throat physically closes up , this also extends to other people especially family, if they start coughing I panic until they’ve stopped , again none of this can be avoided .
life is unpredictable and situations that some would consider dangerous don’t bother me but my past experiences have left a mark on my mind that cant be taken away ,I guess its a way of protecting me but to an extreme that has taken over my life .
Anyway that’s me in a nutshell or nuts’hell , would a ptsd lable change anything? Probably not .
ps feeling about as shite as hell lately, anxious all day and the vivid night terrors are back , all bloody good fun .
Take care , sweet dreams .
nomorepanic
07-04-19, 22:34
Disappointing to have no responses when Nicola kindly created a sub-forum on a few people's requests. :lac:
Now I feel embarrassed backing the idea up. :lac:
I did say it was never used
EmmerLooeez
07-04-19, 23:07
I guess this is a slot I’d fit into but like a lot of people on here I have never really been given a label or diagnosed , surprising as at my worst I was hallucinating and crying like a baby but it’s not like a broken leg where Dr looks and goes that’s a broken leg you’ve got there .
my ongoing state started seven years ago after choking on some food , a bloody pork scratching of all things ( my own fault should have stuck with being a vegetarian) so I stopped breathing infront of my family and no one could help , obviously I survived the incident after a trip to hospital but I couldn’t stop going over and over what had happened and how it could have turned out differently, after no sleep for a couple of weeks the doc said try antidepressants but didnt actually say what they were , they just opened up my mind even more to a point where I started to think I might be in a coma dreaming or maybe I did die that night , anyway long and short it opened up a can of worms I doubt I will ever get the lid back on .
so no anxiety , depression or ptsd ever actually formally diagnosed,it may well be on my records but never said to me or written down .
Ive seen the crisis team , psychiatrist , therapist and done CBT , the only time anyone said this is what’s wrong with you was the therapist who I told everything to and she said you seem to have PTSD , she suggested some eye movement type therapy but it never happened .
The other problem was which event started the ptsd, I know which one brought it to a head but I think it started way before porkscratchygate, I saw a boy killed when I was ten which is still a fresh memory, an older lad tried to drown me at about the same age , I had a bad trip on mushrooms at seventeen and ended up in hospital, my dad dropped dead infront of me at 29 , and being told my daughter was going to die after an overdose which she pulled through. Plus one thing I can’t put on here that I haven’t spoken to anyone about and probably never will .
All of these memories cannot be erased but it would be good to know what the hell to do with them .
This brings me on to triggers , hospitals bring most events back but I can’t avoid them , virtually every time I go to hospital with family it triggers my worst fears . Next is eating I have a massive fear of choking again, if a crumb goes down the wrong hole instant panic sets in to a point where my throat physically closes up , this also extends to other people especially family, if they start coughing I panic until they’ve stopped , again none of this can be avoided .
life is unpredictable and situations that some would consider dangerous don’t bother me but my past experiences have left a mark on my mind that cant be taken away ,I guess its a way of protecting me but to an extreme that has taken over my life .
Anyway that’s me in a nutshell or nuts’hell , would a ptsd lable change anything? Probably not .
ps feeling about as shite as hell lately, anxious all day and the vivid night terrors are back , all bloody good fun .
Take care , sweet dreams .
Buster that's so incredibly sad. EMDR therapy could definitely help you! Don't for a moment sit back and think this is how you have to be forever. With PTSD, when we are triggered it is as traumatic as the original events. We are reminded and are constantly retraumatised. The key to getting over this is to 'process' the trauma, be this through EMDR or talking therapies. It can be done truly. I am 5 months into therapy with a private therapist and even though I am still fairly bad I have improved substantially since and I'm still identifying triggers.
It sounds as though all of your past has traumatised you and the choking incident was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. Don't give up. It can get better! Xxx
Thanks for coming on Emmer and sorry you are suffering.
In fact since I posted that comment, there have been people viewing and posting.
I hope members and outsiders will be able to get something from it, no matter how small.
And its here for when you want to share. :hugs:
Buster, I had no idea until I read your story.
It takes a lot of courage to open up and go over what you have been through.
No matter how strong a person you might be, we all have our sensitivities and phobias.
I hope in time it will become less delicate for you. :hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
08-04-19, 02:59
Disappointing to have no responses when Nicola kindly created a sub-forum on a few people's requests. :lac:
Now I feel embarrassed backing the idea up. :lac:
Give it some time, Carnation. Perhaps if those with PTSD know it's here they may be on more?
Some boards are pretty dead like the Phobias ones, some of the Meds barely move and the new Rabies one was not going to get many.
Maybe people will use it to talk about more general trauma too and then there are other traumatic disorders.
Thanks Terry for your support. :hugs:
I happen to think it is a very important topic to be able to read for comfort and encouragement and release for many of our sufferers.
It's a vast subject that many of us have been carrying demons that haunt us through out our lives.
It is usually not even one event that can debilitate or effect us, but many unfortunate experiences of our life.
I mentioned a car crash for me, but if we are putting our cards on the table, then....
*Warning for any readers that may find it too delicate to read for whatever reason *
I was bullied at school, very badly so I don't make friends easily because of trust issues.
I was raped by a so called boyfriend, so it has affected my future relationships.
My mum dehydrated me as a baby and I nearly died.
It took 3 months to return to normal functioning.
I was abandoned by my parents and sent to stay with my neighbours when I was 10 yrs old with no explanation and later found out it was because she had cancer.
My dad was taking the whole affair out on me and made me fearful of him and not wanted and wanted to disappear from their lives because I thought I was to blame!
No one was feeding me properly when I was a child, so I was extremely underweight and ended up with anorexia for nearly 20 years because I had issues with food and associated it with love and as I thought I was unloved, I rejected the food. This problem filted out in to my adult life and I still struggle to eat in public or accept anyone else cooking for me.
I saw my grandad having a heart attack at the age of 12 years old and still have visions today.
I lost two babies before born and both times had no support mentally for the loss. One of the times, the nurse just turned to me and said, "Your baby is dead!" And then walked out of the room and left me lying there for what seemed like forever. I was also back to work the following day.
There, I've said it!
I have nothing to be ashamed of and I no longer blame myself for any of those events.
Just to add to that.
When I did open up to a therapist about my childhood experiences with my mum and dad, she told me that they probably didn't love me and was unable to care for me as a child.
Great! That makes me feel a 100% better and £40 lighter.
Thankfully some of my childhood issues were made more clear to me through my mum in the last few years of her life. Although it's not going to change history or repair the hurt, I am thankful for any explanation to why something happened that seemed so cruel at the time.
Remember, it is good to talk and share and not assume that YOU are to blame. There are reasons for everything!
It's not necessarily going to be your fault. Circumstances play a huge part in our experiences and very unfortunate that we do have to suffer. But it makes us stronger to survive and fight for what we deserve in life. :hugs:
Thank you for listening x
MyNameIsTerry
08-04-19, 14:57
Carnation,
I think we have plenty of members around who have been through some horrendous things such as yourself :hugs:
They may not have a PTSD diagnosis but it has affected their lives. This was something AntysVee was talking about in terms of undiagnosed PTSD cases where the trauma has restricted the person and it gets judged as them being just an anxious person or depressed person rather than tracing it back to it's root cause.
I guess we have to watch the medical world on that one and see how they deal with it. They have given the criteria for PTSD and other trauma based disorders but it seems it is woven into so many mental health problem. Just look at personality disorders. These come at younger ages but trauma at any ages can shape your future. It's obvious really when you consider we learn from our experiences. Not everything we learn is good hence why we have NMP to help us with our problems and try to change that to improve our lives.
I can think of quite a few people on here who have mentioned child abuse, domestic abuse, violence or sexual assaults against them, traumatic events like car crashes, losing loved ones in various ways, illness, etc. They may not have the criteria for a PTSD diagnosis but many have been through the pain that leads to it and can talk on here in a more focussed way about that. When posting on other boards their current issues get more focus when they may need to be also dealing with traumas too.
I think this board is a good idea because what we perhaps aren't so good with on the other boards is considering things like abuse and how it changes mindset in very deep ways. I don't understand it, I've not been through it. I can read so much but never really feel it. I do know people who have bene through such things who do understand how it can change how you feel about the world. It's a very complex subject and much of the therapy we often discuss aims at what you think now about x symptom or x place to go or x event but I don't think it gets into the deeper issues caused by that trauma.
Other members know much more about this. I think AnxietyJoe has posted a support forum for it too in some threads.
And other people have raised threads to Admin asking for this board too. They probably just haven't spotted it yet now Admin have decided to retry it.
Very brave of you to post this, Mrs C. Testament to your strength of character, will and fortitude to have survived, but that doesn't mitigate the pain and suffering you went through. Likewise for any of us with traumatic and painful memories of the past. "PTSD" diagnosis or not.
:hugs:Carnation
I will write my trauma’s on here when I am feeling not as raw.
:hugs:Hear is one for you Buster.
I completely understand Lola :hugs: that's exactly why I didn't go in to the finer details of my traumas.
I found myself in a pool of tears just writing what I did and realised how upset I still am about life's shocks and traumas. Talking about it won't change our memories and you can't make something bad in to something good, but we can do our up most to fill our lives now with as much happiness as we can.
I find I am very wary of almost everything and don't take kindness without thinking of an ulterior motive. I reject any love and carry a barrier around me of protection. It's turned me in to an over emotional person, a bit of a loner and at times bitter about life.
Raw is a good description, like being burned in the past, but still feeling the pain and wearing the scars of unfortunate circumstances.
Thank you Terry and KK, just a few kind words can go along way.
Hi all , been feeling like poop so didn’t feel up to posting but I did want to come back to this thread , carnation you seem to be carrying a load of boulders in that rucksack it makes life heavy going doesn’t it but we are still here tough as old boots , one word in your post stood out and it’s a word I hate , dead , it’s a word you would use to describe the batteries in your torch not a baby growing inside you or a relative or friend that had passed away , it just seems an incredibly insensitive word .
my post did seem a bit of a pity party on reflection but it’s not something I would say to anyone I know but you guys understand and wouldn’t judge because many of you have been through similar or worse.
I do struggle with therapists as they are paid to sit and nod their heads and look sympathetic, I also make judgments on them thinking they have probably had a middle class charmed life and haven’t had the struggles we have , I’d rather be talking to someone who understands from experience, two of my doctors have told me about losing their children and having to deal with the mental side of it and I felt comfortable telling them how low I felt .
Anyway to put a positive spin on this , Ive read many posts from you lot and something that stands out is the compassion you all show ,looking after the homeless , caring for family , nursing , animal lovers and spending way way too much time on here trying to help strangers out , so we may be nuts but at least it’s the nicest kind of nuts .
ta ta :hugs:
I agree with you Buster. The word 'dead' or even 'dying' is used so callously and has the effect of an everlasting shock. And as a result, could cause PTSD.
Strange you brought this up, because only today something happened which was a prime example of this.
Warning - may affect some people due to its sensitivity.
We found a young cat in the garden this afternoon. It was lying down in the soil. Straight away, I could sense something seriously wrong. As a former animal rescuer and an employee of the rspca, my first thoughts were not good. Not to be too explicit on her condition, we took her to the local vets and after a quick examination the vet turned to me and saud, "she's dying".
Both myself and Mr C were gobsmacked and upset by his comment. Firstly, we are not stupid to not realise the cats status, secondly we took her there in the hope of being saved and thirdly, the vet could have reworded his comment by saying something like, "thank you, we will do what we can, but she is in a bad way".
I actually had to walk out of the room. I was welling up and it brought back memories of my past cats and the fear of what could happen to my own cat.
When I got home, I gave my cat the biggest cuddle ever!
So yes, please professionals, try to choose your words carefully, because the shock is too unbearable for us to handle.
And for the record, 'dead' was the word used to tell me of the passing of my mum. It took me over an hour to get over the shock.
I didn't realise this thread was here. I have to agree about the way professionals deal with us. Yes I know, they do this stuff all day and every day...but we don't.
years ago, I had an early miscarriage, and the doctor in the hospital was extremely callous. To her, it was not a baby, just a jumble of cells and she treated me as such. But it WAS a baby, it was my eldest. I have never forgotten that doctor, her attitude was sh@t. The doctor who dealt with my mother was very good but he was very blunt when he said she wanted no resuss. That hit hard.
fortunately I've not met any crappy vets, just expensive ones....At one point I had 8 dogs and 3 cats, so I know them quite well, as you can imagine.
bedside manner in all medical professionals, human or animal is often lacking.Compassion is an important human emotion and we are at our most vulnerable at those times.
:hugs:
I have the complex kind, I feel incredibly guilty for being severely affected on a daily basis by this fact, (****ing thankfully I did not suffer from physical inflictions because I always dwell a lot on the physical torment we can all suffer at any moment) it took me an extremely long time to accept I have been damahged in this way, a very patient therapist discovered and explain this repeatedly, it's there all the same no matter what I think. It's absolutely hellacious and relentless, we're all brave and resourceful folk for enduring this dreadful condition, you do learn a lot about yourself and how your brain works, it's definitely a curse and not a gift but it certainly gives you reason to self analyse and try to grow from the scarring.
Darksky a:hugs: for you.
And well done for finding the thread. :)
And good to hear a positive side confetti. :)
We tend to spend a lot of time trying to overcome our demons and fighting the residue of trauma, but we rarely open up about our inner feelings or experiences.
There is an element of fear in even doing that.
Do we want to open up old wounds? Will it make us relive the moment? Will it make us feel worse?
I can't answer that, but is it healthy to carry that pain around manifesting inside and constantly feeding us with fear?
We are all different and one person will cope differently to another and be affected differently.
But underneath, are we all the same?
Can a trauma even be stored for many years to affect us later in life, by a trigger?
I think it can and my experiences confirm that for me.
Hard to change the thought of a trigger, but maybe dealing with the original trauma is the answer. :shrug:
I find myself having uncomfortable dreams over my late mum again. :weep:
They are not nightmares, but dreams that make me feel sad and uncomfortable and even guilty.
The dreams are vivid and at times disturbing and there's no particular reason that has triggered this. Not in my conscious mind anyway.
I feel I can't be free of guilt and sadness and at the same time I feel I went above and beyond to be a good daughter.
So why does this still haunt me 2 years on?
I know I need to stop torturing myself with these unhelpful thoughts and try and remember the kind words she left me with, which was actually a long time coming. But at least I got it in the end.
I just wish the dreams would stop.
sends you hugs Carnation, maybe the dreams are your subconscious way of working through the death of your mom? I went to Walmart with hubby and got triggered by When A Man Loves A Woman song over the intercom system, on Saturday, my ex used to play it when he was beating me and sometimes he would play it to let me know a beating was coming. Carnation reading some of your story on here, about your mom and dad, and not getting enough food and such, sounds much like what I went through, gives you lots and lots and lots of hugs.
Dying_Swan
04-05-19, 13:26
I had no idea I had PTSD until recently. I was sure there was a sub-forum here but couldn't find it, and am pleased to see it's back :)
I'm still trying to work through it all. I was warned that therapy would make it worse before it got better, and it's been harder than I could have imagined, fluctuating between anxiety, depression, and various other states. I guess mine relates to loss and some elements of abuse in my childhood. It's difficult for me to recognise it for what it was, because I know people go through much worse, but it does help to have a professional name it as that.
I guess I'm still working out triggers too. Certain people are probably the biggest triggers, as well as certain situations where I feel trapped. Also smaller things like music.
Dreams are interesting and I had a recurring dream for years about a particular person. That person is still appearing in my dreams but there's definitely been a shift in how they appear, and it's not quite as frightening. I'm sorry you are having this Carnation. It is difficult having that cinema playing at night and then feeling it so acutely on waking up.
Can a trauma be stored for years to affect us later on? In my opinion, absolutely 100% yes.
Hi Dying Swan.
Yes, a lot of people don't even realise they are suffering from PTSD, which makes any demons harder to deal with because you don't realise what is happening to you.
I find most GPs generalise conditions with anxiety and that's it! But a lot of anxiety is linked to something else and we are left to find that out for ourselves.
It's like when you told you have anxiety and we go away thinking, "why?", "what caused it? ".
Then if we are successful enough to find the root, we then have to work at how to deal with it or just suffer and live with it.
There's not too much info around either and mostly exposure therapy seems the only practice which can be just as traumatic as the root of the problem.
But one thing that helps is knowing you are not only, there are other people to share and understand and help.
We shouldn't feel inadequate for the way we feel especially as the cause is generally not even our fault.
We may have to adapt our lives in a different way so it is less painful.
Memories unfortunately can not be wiped out, but we can build new ones to help and overtime it will feel more bearable. x
Dying_Swan
29-06-19, 14:04
I'm really sorry I didn't reply sooner. The last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster. How are you doing Carnation? How are the dreams? My recurring dreams have definitely changed since undertaking trauma-focused CBT, though I still get elements of them. For some reason they always have swimming pools in them, and I have absolutely no idea why!
Have you had any treatment for your PTSD? It is difficult. I think I'm working out where a number of my issues stem from, but learning to overcome them when they've become so entrenched feels almost impossible.
Hope you're doing ok Carnation, and everyone battling these difficulties
Same here Swan, I've had 3 months of what seems gruelling and stressful situations. I also meant to reply earlier, but got bogged down with distractions.
I'm still having the dreams, but not so scary as before.
The one thing I have changed is I am allowing them to come even if I find them frightening. I have a tendency to dream away most nights anyway and they tend to be obscure and not make sense, a bit like your swimming pool. I've no doubts that must symbolise something and only you will probably work it out in the end, but it is annoying, isn't it?
No, I didn't take up on the PTSD therapy as I was too scared to at the time.
There's mixed emotions about exposure therapy and it has been known to make you feel worse before feeling better.
You can bet how many sufferers that could not bear the thought of feeling any worse. How much worse is almost unthinkable. :(
I think understanding why we suffer with the reoccurring torture is something we need more information on and whether time is a release for a condition like this.
Time - how long is piece of string?
It would be helpful to hear from previous sufferers that have recovered or using a method which is helping recovery.
Trouble with PTSD, It's so difficult to talk about, just speaking about it is traumatic enough, I know it is for me.
Keep us up to date Swan and I hope things get a bit easier for you. x
Dying_Swan
13-07-19, 11:20
Hey Carnation.
I'm glad your dreams are improving, even if they are not gone. I feel sure that must indicate progress, at least that's what I'm telling myself! It is frustrating not understanding the meanings behind them. I've tried looking it up but I'm not sure if I believe the interpretations, and I think in the end it's probably so personal that maybe the interpretation is unique, if that makes any sense.
I totally understand not opting to go through PTSD therapy. I was warned I'd feel worse before getting better, but I underestimated that warning. It's not to say I don't think it's worth doing, but I think it's very personal and something only to be done if or when you feel ready, and some people might not ever be, and that's ok.
Agree about time. It just can't be standardised in my opinion. Does it heal? Or does it bury the trauma/s deeper? Not sure. There are things I thought I was "over", until recently when I've burst into tears just mentioning them. But I think your strategy of just allowing these things to "be", whether it's dreams or strong emotions, is probably a healthy one, and accepting that those things happened is part of processing them in the longer run.
I'm sorry that you've had a tough few months, and very much hope things are on the up for you. Life does love to throw us curveballs from time to time doesn't it? :blush: I hope you are doing ok x
Hi Swan :)
In answer to your post, imo I think trauma stays buried. You can't get rid of it completely, it's a life experience and the brain will remember it because it needs to protect us in the future.
I think what is needed is to be able to move on from it taking wisdom with us. And under no circumstances blame ourselves, even a smidgen of, "but if I'd have done this". For whatever reason, we were put in that position, it is past, we got through it and build our confidence and wisdom to protect us in the future.
Again, imo, we must not let our past haunt us even though dreams can be disturbing, it's the brains way of processing trauma and it doesn't mean we will live through that again.
And its OK to have a good cry every now and then. Why should we hold back on our emotions?
I'm a little late in replying to you Swan, but sending you positive vibes and good thoughts. x
Hi to all my fellow PTSD sufferers! :welcome:
Sorry I didn't reply when this post was first created, as I was away from the site for awhile.
I also have what's known as complex PTSD. Complex PTSD occurs from several traumatic events over time. I won't go into too many details (due to privacy and triggers), but mine were a molestation, broken home, major car accident, and in 2014, I found the body of my best friend, which threw me into the worst bout of PTSD and anxiety I've ever experienced. After that, I went through some grief and trauma counseling, both individual and group, went on medication, and made some serious lifestyle changes and decisions, and I feel like I've come out on the other side of it. I still have bad days, here and there, but I feel good about myself again and hopeful for the future.
If any of you need to talk or need tips, please know that I'm here. Don't keep yourself and your troubles in isolation. A trouble shared is a trouble halved.
Vee
Hi Vee :)
Lovely to hear from you, but sad under this heading.
As you say, difficult to express our inner feelings and experiences without the risk of triggering a reader.
PTSD can be a culmination of events as is with me and also can be different circumstances.
None of mine were dealt with at the time and maybe they should have been, but sometimes that is not possible.
I know mine affect me and I don't really want to experience the emotions and pain of those ever again.
So, what do we do. Talk about it? Cry about it? Carry on with our lives regardless? I really don't know, but I know talking and crying are releases and its that which is difficult to do because who do you tell?
I have no embarrassment in admitting quite a few calls to the Samaritans, who allowed me to bare all, be as long as I liked and didn't judge me, just listened.
But I have to say between the emotional pains of abandonment, bullying, bad relationships and a bad car accident. That doesn't include the loss of people close to you and experiencing their pain and even health matters of yourself.
Well, it's a pretty ugly picture of haunting.
But I think of you can feel the now and the future with as many experiences of calm and pleasure, there's the hope of some balance eventually.
Always allow yourself to have those moments of release and sadness is very closely linked with happiness.
For example when a son or daughter gets married, it's both emotions. So if we can feel happy about our lives today or grow to make it happier, maybe, just maybe in time it will become easier to live with. x :hugs:
I hear you, C.
I can only speak from my experience, but I bottled up the molestation (actually I tried to talk about it but was dismissed by the adults in my life) and the issues with the car accident, and some other things I was grieving over until my best friend passed. It's like when that happened, all of the things I'd kept bottled over the years just raged to the fore-front along with the grief I was feeling over his death. That's why my life basically collapsed into a puddle of anxiety. I had hit rock bottom, to the point where if I didn't start dealing with my inner pain, I wasn't going to live any more.
I think I kept it in for so long because it was like Pandora's box. Once I allowed the pain out, I couldn't get the lid back on without becoming a hot mess. That's one of the reasons I had stopped going to therapy. After therapy, after opening myself up, I couldn't go back to functioning in daily life for awhile.
So after I hit rock bottom, I realized that I needed therapy again, I quit a lot of commitments in my schedule. I basically freed myself up to work and home. That's it. I was blessed that I could. It allowed me the time to do both individual and group counseling and have time afterwards to just be the hot mess for awhile. It was very hard at first. Especially group. I thought that after hearing all of these other people talk about the horrible things in their life all I would do is be triggered and retraumatized, but it was actually very freeing. The bonds I made out of that group therapy will last me the rest of my life. It was so comforting to know that I was not alone, that my feelings were "normal" for the circumstances, that I wasn't a bad person, that I could put my pain in perspective and choose to live my life on my terms. I still have lunch with a few people from group even years later. I'm so lucky that I live in a big metropolitan area where therapy like that was available.
I think therapy is the ideal safe space, but you can create your own safe space to let some of it out. Like you have with the Samaritans. That's a good resource; there's no shame in calling them. Even a journal gives me some release. I especially like to write shitty things down on paper, and then throw them away or flush them down the toilet in my own ceremony of getting rid of them.
Time helps, especially in terms of grief. It'll be five years this year since my friend passed, and the further out the easier it gets. The pain is still there, but it dulls with time. Its easier to remember the good times we had together without the guilt and sadness coming up.
:bighug1:
Vee :hugs:
As I read your post tears were trickling down my face. Whether it was your story and words or my emotions coming out, it touched me, even touched a nerve maybe.
And how right you are about no one around to listen when these events happen and I'm so pleased you persevered and found that therapy and friends to help you along the way.
And I think you are right about remembering the good times when you experience loss and not suppress them.
Pandoras box is a good description of how it all erupts or even stays shut. Maybe that's a good way of looking at it and to only take out bits at a time when you feel you need to deal with it to move on in life.
I just want to finish my post by saying how much admiration I have for you. Your courage, your empathy and your lust for life.
Life gives us hurdles and I have no doubts that you will tackle them all. x
Thank you for your kind words :)
I am so grateful for the life I have, the comfort I have and the family and friends that I do have. I think my "lust for life" comes from being Jewish, and just having the examples of so many of my people who didn't get a chance to have what I have. How can I take that life for granted? My friend wouldn't have wanted me to live out the rest of my life unhappy. He'd have wanted me to go on and do all the things that he never got the chance to do. So I'm trying :)
Exactly Vee :)
I too lost a dear friend who was more like family to me to unfortunately suicide. I grieved for a long time and made a keepsake journal to help with the process.
But you have to imagine them saying to you, "you have a life to live and it pains me to see you so sad".
You can still have your moments of sadness and reminiscing, but they wouldn't want you to be burdened with grief forever.
And when you do something nice you can smile to that person. I like to raise a glass to my dad occasionally and I talk to my late mum quite regularly and as for my friend I lost? I met my other half through that person, so he left me a wonderful gift.
There's a saying, "something good comes out of something bad". Look for that and honour your friend by living your life. x
C,
You're absolutely right. I talk to my deceased auntie all the time, so I understand :)
:hugs:
EmmerLooeez
05-08-19, 16:49
So much love to everyone on this thread. I love that this subsection has been restarted. Even with us few on here it's nice to know that we're not alone isn't it! I'm particularly triggered this afternoon, but when I feel that I'm in a better place I'll share my story as well.
Carnation you are absolutely right that you have nothing to be ashamed of! We didn't ask for the hand that we got dealt. I know it's easier said than done, I'm still ashamed of my past, not as much as I used to be, but still.
Xxx
EmmerLooeez
05-08-19, 17:32
I'm going to try now actually. I'm not sure if I'll post but we'll see. I don't have one single incident that resulted in my PTSD but several. I guess then I will just give a quick outline of my life?
I was born of a narcissistic mother and alcoholic father. We were poor and didn't have much. I was born in 1990, my mother very sadly had a stillborn in 1991 and then my younger brother was born disabled in 1992. I was neglected because of these tragic circumstances.
When I was 3 my father left. I very clearly remember him leaving us. He was stood at the front door of our old house with a red leather suitcase. I said "Where are you going daddy?" and he said "out", I asked "When are you coming back?" and he said "I'm not" and I ran over to my mum, who was holding my baby brother, and cried. After that my mum made it as difficult as possible to see my dad.
I grew up (probably understandably) in the shadow of my disabled brother, my childhood went without much excitement for the most part. I enjoyed school and had some friends.
My mum met her future ex-husband when I was 9 or 10. He moved in and started sexually and mentally abusing me pretty quickly. He would tell me disturbing things like my mother finds my brother sexually attractive and that he (my step-dad) was going to die and his heart would explode and blood would come out of his eyes and mouth, etc. When I had medical symptoms he would catastrophize them to me and make me have panic attacks. I remember one time when he saw that I had bruises on my legs and he handed me his health encyclopedia and showed me that unexplained bruising meant blood clots.
When I was age 11 I started hanging around with the bad kids on my estate. I started smoking cigarettes and weed. I was overweight and my 'friends' never really liked me, they bullied me and made fun of me, but kept me around and to be honest they were all I had so I just went along with it. I fell in love with the first time with a boy and he was too ashamed of me to tell anyone so just came to me in secret. After my mum had gone to sleep, my step-dad would abuse me and then I'd wait up all night for the boy I'd fallen for and he'd come up, have sex with me and then leave. He would only come once every week or two though, sometimes it was months inbetween, but I'd always wait up every night until 4am for him to come.
After he got a girlfriend he wasn't ashamed of I begun to let him go but it took me years to get over him. Along the way I'd been 'recruited' into one of the Asian grooming gangs in my area. The men would just be nice to us at first. They'd take us out and give us free drugs and alcohol, drive us around in their fast cars with their loud music and we thought it was amazing. Eventually they'd start to drive us up to the moors when we were off our faces on drugs, they'd either force us to perform oral/vaginal sex with them or they would threaten us - ie. if we didn't then they would leave us up here alone on the moors. That was a way of breaking us in, I think. Eventually we would just do what they told us when they first asked us, we learnt they'd get it one way or another anyway. We would get picked up on a night and then taken to wherever. Different towns, hotels, cars, moors, etc. and would say to us things like "Will you look after my cousin for me?" and then we'd go off with their 'cousin'. I finished my educated age 13 after being kicked out of school. There was a real camaraderie between the girls in the gang and I think that's what held me there for so long. That and the drugs...
When I was 15 I met my first proper boyfriend. He was an angry stoner but we were pretty good friends. He was a compulsive liar and stole off my brother, grandma, myself. But we had a really good friendship and I kind of stayed put. By 17 I'd finished being abused by my step-dad and these men and I went to live with my boyfriend in a grotty bedsit.
Life was fun there. We had no money and would walk around picking money or cig butts off the floor, but we had fun. In the bedsit/shared house there were some characters. One guy called 'psycho Dave' stabbed a man at a bus stop, he got sent to prison. A perve that was also called Dave moved in there and would try and get sexual favours out of me and another girl that lived in the building. A drug dealer named Russ lived there and tried to pimp me out to a Portugese man that lived there and said I could have half of the money!! Obviously I didn't do any of that.
My boyfriend would still lie and steal. He also used to wait until I'd fallen asleep to masturbate over me and then eventually have sex with me. I'd wake up (obviously) and ask him what he was doing, he'd tell me to just go back to sleep, so I just laid there. He'd do this so often. I really had no self worth at this point and put up with it.
At 18 I got pregnant and gave birth at 19. I was agoraphobic by this time, but that period of my life didn't last too long thankfully. My grandma died in 2009 and my boyfriend didn't really give a shit and I had ended up getting close to another guy and ended up leaving my boyfriend with the flat and taking our son. I moved in with this guy, Alex, he wouldn't let me see my friends or family, was controlling and would call me awful names, he would cheat on me and smoke weed around my son. I left after around 6 months and ended up back with my narc mum. Alex sometimes had drug-induced psychosis and would threaten me for years. He would tell me he would hurt my brother because he knew how much my brother meant to me.
My stepdad had left her at this point so it was just her and my brother in a 3 bed house. She wouldn't let me have my bedroom back though and so I slept on her sofa for 18 months with my son in a cot in the corner. I got £150 a fortnight ESA for my son and I and had to give her £80, plus buy all of our own food. This meant that I couldn't save up to leave. Eventually I got a council house and the minute I got the keys she made me and my son move in despite having no furniture apart from beds, no carpets, no oven or anything. We got a fridge and lived off sandwiches and pot noodles for a long time until I could afford otherwise. I started racking up debt when living there as I had no clue about money and just wanted a nice house that had carpets etc!
At 23 I got my first job in care. I LOVED it and was really good at it. I got several of my friends jobs there too. My CRB came back showing my juvenile record of criminal damage and ABH - I'd broken my mum's window and punched my stepdad (different occasions) and they called the police. The same week that I found out I'd lost the job I found out I was pregnant by a guy that I'd known for 2 weeks, despite being on the pill, and I had to remove my brother from the care of my mother as she wasn't looking after him. So in my little 2 bed, undecorated council house was pregnant me, my son, my brother and my then-boyfriend.
I am now married to the above mentioned man. I have worked and studied my ass of and am a deputy manager, working 2 jobs and raising 3 children. I'm still carer for my brother although he lives in a flat around the corner now and is almost fully independent. My brother and I both start university this September and are the first in our family to do so! at least for a long time. I am currently waiting for the arrest and hopefully the conviction of members of the grooming gang. Life is looking up. I'll never know what it's like to be loved by a parent, I won't know the woman that I could have been if I'd have been born to different parents, I won't ever know what it's like to be IN love with a man and have him love me back, but I have my children and I adore them as they adore me. They will have a good life and will never have to go through what I have. I'm still only 29 and intend to study to PhD level and live a life that I'm proud of, loving my friends and family and helping other trauma survivors professionally.
If you've read this far well done. :roflmao:
Oh Emmer :bighug1:
First of all can I say well done!
For posting your sensitive and private life, which will not have been easy for you.
For surviving and battling to make your life better.
For your bravery and determination to build a better future.
And for not blaming yourself. :hugs:
As I read through your post it strangely didn't shock me, but it did feel me with sadness that you had to go through all of this.
I can't stress how important it is to have a stable and loving upbringing for any of the readers.
Emmer, you may have had an incredibly unfortunate and painful past which was forced upon you in one way or another and I am amazed that you have come through it all.
I hear, abandonment, lack of love, abuse, desperation, low self esteem, pain, neglect, lack of respect.
Oh my, you've survived all that! :hugs:
People like us find it difficult to open up for fear of being judged and the norm is to keep this stuff in our heads.
And, unfortunately there are a vast amount of people that have 'been through the mill'.
But, I think it makes you the bravest you can be and a determination that makes you succeed in life.
Thank you Emmer, for sharing and being you! x
Very brave post, Emma. Nothing anyone says can erase the pain and suffering you went through, and at times must still go through, but you have a bright and fulfilling future ahead of you.
Never Surrender, Cmrd!
:hugs:EL,
Thank you for sharing your story. Remember, everything that comes next, you will get through. You won't even have to use a fraction of the strength that you possess and had to use before.
Vee
EmmerLooeez
26-09-19, 22:24
Xxxx
Shinymetalass404
13-01-24, 22:22
The sound of footsteps in the house makes me feel on edge. So do loud talkers.
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