Anxiety over lymph nodes

[DenisD]

Hi everyone,

I know this topic has been discussed over and over again, but I feel the need of sharing my story, too.

Last year, around April, I found out that a friend of my sister in law lost her battle with lymphoma (she was 32 and it was the first time i’ve heard about this disease). At that time I was pregnant in 6 months and just before that I had discovered a nodule on my torso. I saw about 4 dermatologists and each of them said it’s either cyst, lipoma, dermatofibroma etc., a benign condition anyways. Having different diagnosis, I did a quick research on Google (worse idea ever) and the first result of nodules on skin is lymphoma. Bam, that was the moment I freaked out and was the trigger of my health anxiety. I read about other symphoms and I started experiencing generalized itching without rashes, joint & bone pains.

Months had passed with these symptoms and in July I went for a biopsy (I requested for it) which revealed the nodule was a dermatofibroma, so benign. I was revealed and my symtoms also dissapeared (I guess it was all in my mind). Until last November when I found a tiny lymph node in the posterior cervical area and I went crazy again. Started prodding it each and every day until finally found one on the other side, kind of symmetrical place.

I went for 2 ultrasounds till then (December and February), sizes of lymph nodes are 10x9 mm each and they don’t seem to increase. They have normal fatty hilium and are vascularized. Blood work is fine and haematologist said it’s most probably nothing and just keep an eye on them. I was supposed to do a 3rd US on March, only if I would not have touched the lymph nodes for a month... But as i poke them everyday, I haven’t scheduled an appointment yet.

Anyway, I also saw a psycologist in the meantime and things were better for a while, until 3 weeks ago when one of my friend’s sister died of lymphoma!! She was 24 :(.

Now I am in a very bad place, crying every day that I will leave my baby alone. I prodded so much that I even found my supraclavicular and axilar nodes, symmetrical as well.

Sometimes I know it’s just in my head and I am healthy, but right after I ask myself “what if it’s a slow growing lymphoma?”

I know the only way to calm down would be a biopsy but no one wants to do one since they are pretty small (under an inch).

I am sorry for this huge story but I just felt the need of writing it down.

[ankietyjoe]

You already have enough evidence to stop worrying about it. It's now your checking behaviour that's causing the problem.

You need to stop looking at it, stop googling about it and (hardest of all) stop thinking about it. The only way to do that is to practice not doing those things every day, probably for weeks/months.

A negative biopsy wouldn't solve this as you would still keep thinking 'what if' unless you change the habits you've got into.

[Fishmanpa]

You already have enough evidence to stop worrying about it. It's now your checking behaviour that's causing the problem.

You need to stop looking at it, stop googling about it and (hardest of all) stop thinking about it. The only way to do that is to practice not doing those things every day, probably for weeks/months.

A negative biopsy wouldn't solve this as you would still keep thinking 'what if' unless you change the habits you've got into.


Joe is right. There was a member here that did the same thing. He believed he had lymphoma despite dozens of doctors and tests. He poked and prodded until his nodes were shotty and eventually found a doctor that did an invasive surgery/biopsy to remove the nodes in question. Of course there were fine. He STILL didn't believe it.

The solution, is real life professional help to help stop the self-checking behavior.

Positive thoughts

[DenisD]

Thank you guys for replying. Most probably you are right, as I was convinced that after the nodule’s biopsy I will be 100% fine and get rid of the anxiety. Well, I was, but only for a short amount of time. Probably it will be the same with a lymph node biopsy.

On the other hand, I still think that I am missing the chance to “catch it early”.

I am a mess. I think often that if it was lymphoma indeed, the nodes would have changed their size in almost 5 months...

[DarkSkies18]

I feel compelled to respond to this as I recently got over a lymphoma fear myself. I can't say where mine originated from. A lot of my health anxiety appeared after having children. I put it all up to a fear of leaving my children, etc. Anyways, I went through a lot of medical tests myself. Nothing ever came of anything. Trust the professionals taking care of you. Something would have shown up after all of these tests. It is NORMAL to be able to feel some lymph nodes. Just because you feel them doesn't mean they're swollen or cancerous. I am pretty petite and can feel multiple nodes in my body. Some people just can. Try to relax and focus on your family. Getting back into a hobby I loved really helped me and of course, it sounds like speaking to a professional about your anxiety has helped in the past. That is the true issue. If you don't nip it in the bud now, it will just come back in another form a year or two down the line. Good luck :-)

[Beachlady]

Sometimes I know it’s just in my head and I am healthy, but right after I ask myself “what if it’s a slow growing lymphoma?”



First, there’s no such thing as a “slow-growing” lymphoma. They grow as they want to grow; there aren’t fast ones and slow ones. Second, answer your own question--the “What if.” Do you know what you’d do? I do. You’d cope. You’d get treatment. You’d live you life. Lymphoma is not an automatic death sentence. For every person you hear about who dies of lymphoma, there are many more who survive. In fact, MOST do.

[DenisD]

@Beachlady, thank you for your reply. I read your story from the latest thread recently and I want to say I am admire your for such an optimism and I wish I could be at least half as strong as you are :).

I’m telling often to myself that even if the disease would be real, I have chances to cure and move on. On the other hand, since I already know 2 people who lost this battle, what makes me different?

I saw a dermatologist today for an unrelated issue (eczema I have on my foot and looks like it’s healing well - which, to be onest, I thought it might be mycosis fungoides). And, of course, I asked him to take a look on the nodes. He said that most probably they are normal lymph nodes and as long as they’re not growing or new nodes appear, there’s no need for further investigations or biopsy; just keep an eye on them.

[Beachlady]

I’m telling often to myself that even if the disease would be real, I have chances to cure and move on. On the other hand, since I already know 2 people who lost this battle, what makes me different?



I totally get that feeling, Denis. But here’s the thing with Lymphoma, as with most cancers: there’s Hodgkins and Non-Hodgkins. There are different subtypes within each. Within each subtype there’s different forms. And then there’s the different stages. And on and on. Ten people can have this thing called “lymphoma”, but they can have 10 different versions of it.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Try to keep that in mind when you hear about these tragedies. It helps, believe me.

[DenisD]

I am back with the same fear, unfortunately. I’ve been doing very well until a few hours ago when I palpated my neck (after few weeks i haven’t touched it) and found that one of my lymph nodes grew bigger. Looks like it doubled its size. Now I am a total mess, in panic mode, crying and thinking about my little one :(.