Coping With Bad Health News Of A Family Member

[Mark1974]

I wondered if anyone has any tips for dealing with this sort of thing as it has knocked me for six and I'm struggling :weep:

A few weeks ago, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer - at the time he was told it was only a small area and they could likely 'zap' it all. However he was told on Wednesday due to lung disease they can only zap it for a short spell with chemotherapy, and that after that there was nothing further that can be done and they've given him 12-18 months (2 years at a push).

This is obviously devastating for him, and I feel quite selfish by saying I'm suffering as well when I've not got this to deal with. I struggle periodically with anxiety as it is, and this has set it off again big time. It is a lot to take in and I wondered if anyone has any advice (I appreciate others might have gone through similar in the past and may not want to bring back up bad memories). Thank you.

[jojo2316]

Im so sorry you are going through this. You poor dad and poor you. I can of course say nothing that can possibly lesson this- but there are many wonderful cancer support services you can access- Macmillan for example- which can help both you and your dad

[RadioGaGa]

Mark1974

I really am sorry to read that you're going through such a dreadful time - I really can't imagine what it would be like to be in this situation with a loved one.

When doctors give this diagnosis, they go by statistics which have been collated and their personal experience treating patients, but please remember it's true when they say "you are not a statistic". There is always hope, which is something that should be remembered throughout treatment.

Hopefully, you will have been given access to a "Clinical Specialist Nurse" or perhaps a MacMillan Nurse (https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/getting-support/macmillan-nurses.html), who is there to provide all sorts of advice specific to your dads case. You may also find visiting the MacMillan forums (https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/lung-cancer/discussions) benficial, as you'll be able to discuss anything related to this "journey" with others who have been through it or are going through it.

I also think that it is entirely natural when your face with a situation like this to have negative thoughts and an increase in anxiety... So I'd be reluctant to say your increased anxiety is in any way abnormal.

Your dad will be cared for by a multi-disciplinary team throughout his treatment which will include his Oncologist, Radiotherapists, Specialists Nurses, Clinical Oncology Pharmacists and others. NEVER feel afraid to ask questions or challenge any decisions regarding his treatment.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I hope this information is useful to you.

Good luck

[MyNameIsTerry]

Really sorry to hear this, Mark :hugs:

When my GF went through this it was a case of getting into a doing mode and getting on with things that helped her cope. As mentioned above, there will be plenty of support available and obviously you have us lot on here too. When I asked my parents how they deal with such things, them being elderly they have seen a lot of people pass away, they said to keep things as normal as possible. My GF did this too. She was busy keeping the house going when her dad was struggling and they would be taking her mum out so she wasn't stuck in, to give her something closer to the life she would have had before and that helps greatly.

I don't think it's selfish to feel human feelings. It's a big shock and it would do it to anyone. But that's a long way away from you putting your own struggles above your dad (and the rest of the family) and I'm sure he is your priority in this. I think you have to accept the wobbles this will give you with your own mental health because it's really pouring on top of that and other than being bulletproof how could you not feel the impacts of such intense emotions? Perhaps try to accept it that way but don't allow it to such you down by you kicking yourself for not being how you think you should be as it will only make you feel worse. Feel it, accept it and then refocus back on what it truly important which you know in your heart. Time will help too, it's going to be very raw right now.

[Double_Rainbow]

Mark, I am very sorry. I lost my friend to lung cancer, she was only 48. This is a devastating disease. I wonder if your dad is a candidate for immunotherapy? Did he have his biopsy tissue examined for targetable mutations, eg EGFR? If he has a type of lung cancer that is called non small cell I personally would insist that they run the mutation panel on him. If he has one of these mutations he will likely respond to targeted drugs and these are way better than chemo. Even if he does not have any mutations, they can add immunotherapy drug called Keytruda to his chemo, it was shown to prolong survival. Sadly, my friend had another, rare and more aggressive type so there was nothing for her beyond chemo, but for most people with lung cancer chemo alone should no longer be the first treatment. I wish you and your dad well! Hugs!

[Beachlady]

What kind of advice were you looking for, Mark?

[Mark1974]

Thank you for your concerns. After taking a few days to digest the information we are looking on the bright side of things at the moment. Gallows humour is being used to cope with it (which may seem very bizarre from the outside, but we have taken the mickey out of each other for many many years and have extended it to this situation as well). He had his first bout of treatment yesterday and he was in good form today when I went to see him at home. The anxiety I had in the middle of last week seems to have disappeared for now at least.

[Scass]

I’m very sorry that you and your family are going through this.

When my Dad was ill a few years ago I found that I just sort of went on auto pilot. It’s so important to look after your needs as well, get rest and eat well. I found that I put on weight through comfort eating for example!

I’ve lost both my parents now and it really sucks. Take your cues from him, but he’ll be trying not to worry you too much. Show him how much you love him, don’t be afraid to let him know.

Get support too. From Macmillan, from friends & loved ones.

Don’t feel bad for feeling bad. It’s a huge shock & you will be feeling physical & mental strain from it.