My issues - help!

[ParrotLover]

Hello all.

I was debating posting, but I am desperate for help (and hopefully comfort)

I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare or stuck in hell on earth!

I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for around 7 years. I was on Paxil for the first 2 years but don't know how well it worked because I was young and irresponcible and took it with vodka and smoked marijuana at the same time. I stopped it cold turkey after the 2 years and haven't been on meds since a few das ago...

I have since matured greatly and wouldn't think about touching illegal drugs again.

Anyhow.....here's whats going on with me lately. A couple weeks ago I was talking with a woman at work and got this sudden out of the blue fear "What if I started hitting her?!!" I left the office room and had a severe panic attack. Worrying I was going insane and afraid to be around anyone. When I walk by anyone in the office I think what if I hurt them with this or that or hit them! I went home and researched "disturbing thoughts" I got a lot of comfort from websites stating that it is a typical symptom of anxiety to worry you're going to harm people. Of course that comfort quickly went away as I was afraid I'd hurt my live-in boyfriend. I started to get a fear of knives, especially at the dinner table. I also started to worry that I'd hurt him in his sleep and picture myself doing it (when deep down I know I can't but think what if!)!!!!! I couldn't handle these thoughts anymore so I went to my general physician desperate for help. She put me on Cymbalta and Xanax (.25 mg which does nothing for me). I am terrified to use the Xanax because what if I become addicted to it, but I use it when I feel desperate. I am worried what if Cymbalta isn't the right medication for me....antidepressants take what seems forever to start working...if I have to try different ones it will take forever for me to start feeling better and I don't know how much I can handle these thoughts and these feelings!!
I constantly worry I'm going to lose control and hurt people or my beloved pets. What I have researched about these thoughts should make me know otherwise but I still think...what if I follow through with them?
I have not been able to sleep a whole night through in FOREVER. Thoughts race through my mind and last night and the night before I didn't sleep at all! All I want to do is sleep but I can't because I'm constantly over-analyzing my horrid thoughts.
I'm terrified to go to work. I worry about going anywhere but I go anyways (I was agorophobic for a couple weeks when I first had my panic attacks and it was terrible).
My most terrifying thought came today "What if I WANT to think these things?!!" I think I'm worrying I'm going to get hooked on thinking these terrible thoughts because I have been for a couple weeks now, that medication won't help me stop!! Then I get a horrid panic attack and feel so hopeless.
I am very worried this is going to effect my job or I may have to quit...but then what will I do because I'll have no medical insurance. That's another worry of mine. Always with the "WHAT IF's"!!!
I feel relief when I'm constantly busy doing something or talking about something that really interests me, but the instant I stop doing something or talking about something really interesting, here come my thoughts again!
I also feel very VERY depessed. I have NO appetite and have lost 10 pounds. Luckily my boyfriend tells me I have to eat. I have his supposrt completly with all of this. I just feel so guilty having to share all of this with him. I have stopped talking to most of my online friends, don't find joy, and feel unmotivated.
I have only been on my Cymbalta for 5 days (as of Sunday 9/9). I started last week going to a therapist on a weekly basis. She says it's anxiety and obsessive disorder, whatever that is.

I don't know. I am told this is anxiety but perhaps it's a mix of anxiety, depression, and OCD???

I don't do any OCD rituals but I worry I may start to or I worry that something I do may become one!

Has anyone ever experienced any of this? When you have your disturbing thoughts, does your mind go into disturbing detail and sometime picture it?!

OMG I'm terrified. Sorry about such a long post.

I think I am going to double on the Xanax (.25mg x 2) so maybe I will be able to sleep (but I doubt it :( ).

Please help.

[ParrotLover]

Oh and also I'm worried my body is going to get addicted to my panic feelings which are adrenaline and keep making me think terrible things so I can get that feeling!

Oh am I going mad.....So terrified!!

I know you're supposed to let these thoughts just come and go and not ignore or fight them but how?!! When they're so disturbing.

[ParrotLover]

OOps I forgot to add that I was on birth control pills for about 6 years and just got off them 6 months ago....so I don't know if that has anything to do with all this or not.

Sorry. I'm such a pest with all these posts...

[AndrewG]

Hi Parrotlover,

You're not alone with those thoughts it is fairly common to have these thoughts with anxiety, I suffered with disturbing thoughts for a couple of years and still have the odd few days now and again.

The thing is they are just thoughts, you will never act on them, the type of people who act on them don't even think the thought process is wrong. If you think about some women with depression after having a baby most of there thought process is they think of hurting their babies. And that is what makes them depressed and anxious because they can't cope with the thoughts.

Once you accept them as just thoughts (even though disturbing) you'll find that they start to happen less frequently. It's while you lie in fear of them they happen all the more. And don't be surprised when it starts getting easier that you'll actually start testing yourself to see if you've controlled the thoughts.

Thoughts are terrible things just remember that you wont act on them I never did or ever would, my thoughts were always harming someone I used to say to myself I'll kill myself rather than harm someone else. It took me about a year and a half to get help, and then about six months after to get it to a level where it wasn't a major issue.

I more or less harmful thought free now, just got Panic / Anxiety and acid reflux now.

Take care

Andrew

[mazzywoo]

Hiya Parrotlover-I agree with Andrew G-these thoughts you are having are not nice for you but are very common in people in an anxiety state. I too had this happen-I was terrified of knives and of hurting my beloved cats. I never did of course-they were just thoughts caused by panics. In my case, the thoughts faded when the anxiety got less and then I could see that the two were linked. You say that you are not sleeping-are you having anything to help you with that? It's only a simple thing but I found Twinings Tranquillity tea relaxed me just enough to give me a few hours kip, My heart goes out to you sweetie-this difficult time is horrible for you but I hope that knowing that you are not alone in this may help you a wee bit. Love and best wishes, Maz xxxxx

[spooky]

Hi, I am so sorry to hear of your desperation, It is agood thing you can talk to your boyfriend. And I think a theripist will help, I myself go to one, and have for about a year now. I personally think its a slow process but I have felt a little improvement. And also it depends on the Dr. and the patient. I sure do hope you will seek help. And please be careful with those xanax's ok.Thats why we are all here for help and support. Let me know how its going ok. Take care.

[ParrotLover]

Hi all!

Thank you so much for your replies. It helps me to know I'm not alone (as selfish as that sounds)

I did take 2 .25 mg Xanax and slept off and on last night. Hey, better than not sleeping at all. I found my thoughts were some what easier to control last night and this morning. TOnight I will try sleeping on my own as I do not want to become dependent on the Xanax. My therapist said I should take the Xanax as needed until my Cymbalta starts working....*sigh* Its still scary to take the Xanax (whet if I get dependent?!), but sometimes I just get desperate.

I woke up feeling okay (well a bit groggy) but started to worry, "What if today is as bad as all the others?" I know that's what starts me in my downward spiral so I'm trying to stay positive and fight that thought.

It's Monday morning and I have to go back to work, which is stressful in it's self because I work in a VERY busy office with LOTS of people. I am wondering how I will handle today...will I feel like I can focus and am losing it like I have all the other days. People notice that I am not my bubbly self and ask me whats wrong. When people ask me how I'm feeling or what's wrong with me, it makes me worse! Isn't that strange?

If you don't mind, I will use this post as my anxiety journal and hope people will check in and advise me.

Thank you.

[AndrewG]

Hey Parrotlover,

Thats what we are all on here for to vent our frustrations and know that others like THOUSANDS of others feel the exact same as we do, you are not or ever will be alone having to deal with your thoughts and anxietys.

These guys are great on here and you'll get all the help you need when you need it, I've only been online for a week or so and I feel better knowing thats there are loads of us in the same boat...

Take care

Andrew

[morenabella]

Hi! I used to have the same horrible thoughts, after my son was born. I used to worry that i was going to hurt him in some way. the thoughts were so vivid that it sent me into a panic. I also exibited signs of OCD (washing hands constantly, etc). Eventually those feelings did go away, but it was terrible when i was going through it.

i sympathize with you and i understand your feelings regarding the medication. but my suggestion to you is to TAKE IT!! Take it as your doctor perscribes. give it a chance. it just might help. i was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It was terrible. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. Like you, at first i was very reluctant to take anything. But eventually, out of desperation, I tried every medication out there...Cymbalta, Risperal,Clonazapam, Neurontin, Moban, Geodone, Abilify...and several others. I kept switching because the either they didnt work or the side affects were just too much. It was a very difficult time for me. But eventually, i found the right combination and now i am 200% BETTER!. I take Trileptal, Paxil and Seroquel. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely hate that I have to take medication just to live, but its much better then what i was experienced before. Find the right doctor and try the medications. it may take some time to find the right one, but when you do, you'll be glad you did. The medication is just the starting point...to get you out of the rut so that you can begin to heal. The rest is on you. You have to be vigilant in your recovery. It requires work on your part, but it will in the end, probably lead to your being a better person because you will be doing the things for yourself that you should have always been doing. (really taking care of you)

I still have anxiety, a bit of Obsessive thinking and a little depression, but I actually have my life back and i feel like a new person. I totally understand the fear and frustration you feel. You are NOT crazy. Your mind is literally playing tricks on you. Find a therapist that works for you, learn some relaxation techniques (yoga, meditation, rieki), try some medication and utilize whatever support you have access to (family and friends). And if you believe in a higher power, try to strengthen your relationship with that source (in whatever manner suits you). i have found a new found faith in the Creator, and I am learning to see the divine within myself. Im not of any particular religion or belief system, but i just realize that i am worth healing because God made it so.

It may take some time, but IT will get better!!

take care!

[ParrotLover]

WOW! What a pep talk, morenabella! Thank you!

I had a really tough day today at work with obsessive thoughts like "What if I'm possessed by Satan" (I am somewhat religious) to thoughts like "Since my boyfriend and I live together and are unmarried, what if I stop loving him because we're sinners" to the usual crazy thoughts of hurting people *SIGH* Then at the end of the day I got into a conversation with someone, had the "what if I hurt them" thought but shrugged it off....for the first time. I had hope! I have been in a good bubbly mood for about 2.5 hours now but now I'm starting to fall back in because its getting dark out and it's almost time for bed in a few hours so I'm thinking "What if I don't sleep and have disturbing and/or racingthoughts all night?!" I'm trying to stay out of the hole, though. Also, how do you know when your meds are starting to work? Do you feel good then bad then good then bad and eventually it feels good or normal most of the time? I think I'm kind of experiencing those feelings right now and hopeing it's the Cymbalta working already......trying not to get my hopes up though.

Does anyone else worry or over analyze their disturbing thoughts all night long? It's almost as I can not believe they're only thoughts and worry more that I'll act on them.

Also I had some other funny feelings today. A couple times later in the day I felt almost a euphoric high and it scared me. It felt like I did when I took Ecstasy. I was wondering if I'm going manic depressive obsessive or perhaps if it was the medication starting to work. I'm hoping it was the medication starting to work...I also felt tickling tingles in my lower tummy. What do you think?

*sigh* Tonight is a new night and tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully they're better. Sleep is a beautiful thing for me and I NEED it.

[MissChampers]

I started having disturbing thoughts a few months back while I was driving my car back from holiday with my kids in the back. I was getting a thought in my head that I was going to purposely drive into an oncoming car and cause an accident. The more I was trying to control this thought bought on a panic attack so I had to let my partner drive the rest of the way. Now i'm scared to drive long distance in case it happens again but i'm ok driving around my town. The same when i'm in the dentist chair or at the hairdressers, I keep thinking i'm going to start paniking which then brings on a panic attack so I avoid those now too unless i've had diazepam first.:mad: