ParrotLover
10-09-07, 01:00
Hello all.
I was debating posting, but I am desperate for help (and hopefully comfort)
I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare or stuck in hell on earth!
I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for around 7 years. I was on Paxil for the first 2 years but don't know how well it worked because I was young and irresponcible and took it with vodka and smoked marijuana at the same time. I stopped it cold turkey after the 2 years and haven't been on meds since a few das ago...
I have since matured greatly and wouldn't think about touching illegal drugs again.
Anyhow.....here's whats going on with me lately. A couple weeks ago I was talking with a woman at work and got this sudden out of the blue fear "What if I started hitting her?!!" I left the office room and had a severe panic attack. Worrying I was going insane and afraid to be around anyone. When I walk by anyone in the office I think what if I hurt them with this or that or hit them! I went home and researched "disturbing thoughts" I got a lot of comfort from websites stating that it is a typical symptom of anxiety to worry you're going to harm people. Of course that comfort quickly went away as I was afraid I'd hurt my live-in boyfriend. I started to get a fear of knives, especially at the dinner table. I also started to worry that I'd hurt him in his sleep and picture myself doing it (when deep down I know I can't but think what if!)!!!!! I couldn't handle these thoughts anymore so I went to my general physician desperate for help. She put me on Cymbalta and Xanax (.25 mg which does nothing for me). I am terrified to use the Xanax because what if I become addicted to it, but I use it when I feel desperate. I am worried what if Cymbalta isn't the right medication for me....antidepressants take what seems forever to start working...if I have to try different ones it will take forever for me to start feeling better and I don't know how much I can handle these thoughts and these feelings!!
I constantly worry I'm going to lose control and hurt people or my beloved pets. What I have researched about these thoughts should make me know otherwise but I still think...what if I follow through with them?
I have not been able to sleep a whole night through in FOREVER. Thoughts race through my mind and last night and the night before I didn't sleep at all! All I want to do is sleep but I can't because I'm constantly over-analyzing my horrid thoughts.
I'm terrified to go to work. I worry about going anywhere but I go anyways (I was agorophobic for a couple weeks when I first had my panic attacks and it was terrible).
My most terrifying thought came today "What if I WANT to think these things?!!" I think I'm worrying I'm going to get hooked on thinking these terrible thoughts because I have been for a couple weeks now, that medication won't help me stop!! Then I get a horrid panic attack and feel so hopeless.
I am very worried this is going to effect my job or I may have to quit...but then what will I do because I'll have no medical insurance. That's another worry of mine. Always with the "WHAT IF's"!!!
I feel relief when I'm constantly busy doing something or talking about something that really interests me, but the instant I stop doing something or talking about something really interesting, here come my thoughts again!
I also feel very VERY depessed. I have NO appetite and have lost 10 pounds. Luckily my boyfriend tells me I have to eat. I have his supposrt completly with all of this. I just feel so guilty having to share all of this with him. I have stopped talking to most of my online friends, don't find joy, and feel unmotivated.
I have only been on my Cymbalta for 5 days (as of Sunday 9/9). I started last week going to a therapist on a weekly basis. She says it's anxiety and obsessive disorder, whatever that is.
I don't know. I am told this is anxiety but perhaps it's a mix of anxiety, depression, and OCD???
I don't do any OCD rituals but I worry I may start to or I worry that something I do may become one!
Has anyone ever experienced any of this? When you have your disturbing thoughts, does your mind go into disturbing detail and sometime picture it?!
OMG I'm terrified. Sorry about such a long post.
I think I am going to double on the Xanax (.25mg x 2) so maybe I will be able to sleep (but I doubt it :( ).
Please help.
I was debating posting, but I am desperate for help (and hopefully comfort)
I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare or stuck in hell on earth!
I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for around 7 years. I was on Paxil for the first 2 years but don't know how well it worked because I was young and irresponcible and took it with vodka and smoked marijuana at the same time. I stopped it cold turkey after the 2 years and haven't been on meds since a few das ago...
I have since matured greatly and wouldn't think about touching illegal drugs again.
Anyhow.....here's whats going on with me lately. A couple weeks ago I was talking with a woman at work and got this sudden out of the blue fear "What if I started hitting her?!!" I left the office room and had a severe panic attack. Worrying I was going insane and afraid to be around anyone. When I walk by anyone in the office I think what if I hurt them with this or that or hit them! I went home and researched "disturbing thoughts" I got a lot of comfort from websites stating that it is a typical symptom of anxiety to worry you're going to harm people. Of course that comfort quickly went away as I was afraid I'd hurt my live-in boyfriend. I started to get a fear of knives, especially at the dinner table. I also started to worry that I'd hurt him in his sleep and picture myself doing it (when deep down I know I can't but think what if!)!!!!! I couldn't handle these thoughts anymore so I went to my general physician desperate for help. She put me on Cymbalta and Xanax (.25 mg which does nothing for me). I am terrified to use the Xanax because what if I become addicted to it, but I use it when I feel desperate. I am worried what if Cymbalta isn't the right medication for me....antidepressants take what seems forever to start working...if I have to try different ones it will take forever for me to start feeling better and I don't know how much I can handle these thoughts and these feelings!!
I constantly worry I'm going to lose control and hurt people or my beloved pets. What I have researched about these thoughts should make me know otherwise but I still think...what if I follow through with them?
I have not been able to sleep a whole night through in FOREVER. Thoughts race through my mind and last night and the night before I didn't sleep at all! All I want to do is sleep but I can't because I'm constantly over-analyzing my horrid thoughts.
I'm terrified to go to work. I worry about going anywhere but I go anyways (I was agorophobic for a couple weeks when I first had my panic attacks and it was terrible).
My most terrifying thought came today "What if I WANT to think these things?!!" I think I'm worrying I'm going to get hooked on thinking these terrible thoughts because I have been for a couple weeks now, that medication won't help me stop!! Then I get a horrid panic attack and feel so hopeless.
I am very worried this is going to effect my job or I may have to quit...but then what will I do because I'll have no medical insurance. That's another worry of mine. Always with the "WHAT IF's"!!!
I feel relief when I'm constantly busy doing something or talking about something that really interests me, but the instant I stop doing something or talking about something really interesting, here come my thoughts again!
I also feel very VERY depessed. I have NO appetite and have lost 10 pounds. Luckily my boyfriend tells me I have to eat. I have his supposrt completly with all of this. I just feel so guilty having to share all of this with him. I have stopped talking to most of my online friends, don't find joy, and feel unmotivated.
I have only been on my Cymbalta for 5 days (as of Sunday 9/9). I started last week going to a therapist on a weekly basis. She says it's anxiety and obsessive disorder, whatever that is.
I don't know. I am told this is anxiety but perhaps it's a mix of anxiety, depression, and OCD???
I don't do any OCD rituals but I worry I may start to or I worry that something I do may become one!
Has anyone ever experienced any of this? When you have your disturbing thoughts, does your mind go into disturbing detail and sometime picture it?!
OMG I'm terrified. Sorry about such a long post.
I think I am going to double on the Xanax (.25mg x 2) so maybe I will be able to sleep (but I doubt it :( ).
Please help.