Father diagnosed with prostate cancer.. worried about me and him now....

[Shadowhawk]

So, i will spare alot of details and back story.... the short of it is, i just found out my dad has been diagnosed (gleason 9). We are still waiting on more test results, so its a very nerve wracking time. There is alot of things going on, but needless to say, this has hit me in a few obvious ways. Of course he is my father, so there is the concern there for him, and my mother, and how they are doing and handling this. But being on this board, there is the obvious OTHER worry... myself now.

I made this thread a few days ago (I know wwe merge threads a lot, but can we leave this separate since it is a different train of thought)..
https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?229119-UTI-symptoms-without-the-UTI
And of course, my HA has latches on to it. If my dad has cancer, I am more at risk. And it doesn't matter that I am 35; family history makes you more likely. Even worse, because of my age, no one has ever even suggested a PSA test, so I have no idea where I am at that, leaving my mind to race. I still have back pain, and still some abdominal pain (though the other problems have diminished and gone away); so logically, I must have cancer as well. Even worse, people my age with this cancer have the aggressive kind; and if I am already having these problems, then I am royally screwed. I have been losing weight (though it has been expected; been doing keto, IF, and walking for months, and the loss has been steady and gradual; so my mind says now that it is coincidence, and it is actually cancer weight loss...

My mind is totally destroyed right now. I was studying for a major test this weekend, and can't stop. But with all of this thrown in the mix, I don't know where to go. When my mind latches on to something, getting it off it is..... impossible, at least so far. Between worry for my family, and stressing about myself (as if worrying about my heart wasn't enough), I don't know how to get focus back. SO I know I am going to fail this test, which only adds more stress to things.

Finally... (yes, this will sound like a pity party... maybe it is).. but I am divorced, with just me and my daughter. I don't have family here to be with, nor do I have any friends (my coworkers are there, but its not the same). I go to work, where I am alone with my thoughts, and come home, where I am mostly alone with my thoughts. I am lonely, with no one to even talk to or find comfort in. I don't know where to find the strength to keep going..

[.Poppy.]

I don't know a whole lot about prostate cancer (or UTIs in males) but I am sorry for your dad's diagnosis and hope all is well. Cancer treatment has come really far and is progressing every day, so I'm sure he'll fight this!

As for you, have you explained your concerns to your doc? Have they gotten to the bottom of the abdominal pain?

[Shadowhawk]

Beyond seeing the urgent care doc, i haven't seen anyone else yet. Right now its my back that is far, far worse. Even just sitting here i can feel it is tighter and burning. And of course, making the mistake of reading about cancer in patients my age... that was a mistake. "More aggressive" "worse outcome". I look at my daughter and I barely hold together. Its bad enough thinking about how grandpa will take a toll on her; I fear myself having something serious, and I don't know how she would handle it.

I know he will fight; he is not the type to quit. I wish i could do more, but other than support, i don't know what i can do. Frankly, at least outwardly, I think he is stronger about this than me.. I wish I had his fighting spirit.

Even just sitting here I can feel both my abdomen and back hurting more, especially my back burning. I know that says the pain is logically NOT cancer, but it brings no solice. My mind is racing.. I feel so effing lost now..

[jojo2316]

Sorry about your dad. It sounds as if it has hit you really hard. No wonder your own anxiety is spiking. Do you know what stage cancer your dad has? I know that prostate cancer is highly treatable these days and many more people die “with” it than “of” it.

[Shadowhawk]

We know its been graded a gleason 9 (scale goes to 10), but don't know if there are any mets or other spreading yet. I know he has excellent doctors fighting for him, so i guess there is that.

You are right, i hear that all the time, and read that even this level is beatable. Its just hard to think about it. and with everything else going on, my mind is a train wreck right now.

[jojo2316]

It must be so scary for you. No wonder your mind feels like a train wreck at the moment. Are you caring for your daughter full time?

[Shadowhawk]

Grandma (on the mom's side) is local, but yes, i have full custody. She is my world and my reason for living; my reason for pushing for sanity. She has already dealt with too much, she deserves more than i am able to give, but I am gonna try.

These last few years have been utter hell. Divorce and landing in the hospital were a breaking point for me. Since then i have lost 105lb, but i still haven't found the happiness and sanity that i want. I still fear daily that its all too late, and that she is going to lose daddy too, and lose what nomrality she has in life. I can't even begin to explain to her about Grandpa; though if it looks worse, i won't hide it either, as that would be worse.

[Beachlady]

Grandma (on the mom's side) is local, but yes, i have full custody. She is my world and my reason for living; my reason for pushing for sanity. She has already dealt with too much, she deserves more than i am able to give, but I am gonna try.

These last few years have been utter hell. Divorce and landing in the hospital were a breaking point for me. Since then i have lost 105lb, but i still haven't found the happiness and sanity that i want. I still fear daily that its all too late, and that she is going to lose daddy too, and lose what nomrality she has in life. I can't even begin to explain to her about Grandpa; though if it looks worse, i won't hide it either, as that would be worse.

So sorry about your Dad, Shadowhawk, and the challenges you’ve experienced in your life. We can’t change our lot in life but we sure can soldier on.

[Fishmanpa]

As a warrior and survivor of Stage IVa Head and neck cancer, I understand. It's equally as difficult for loved ones as it is the patient. Attitude is more than half the battle for all involved. When faced with adversity, what choice do we have but to handle it. Remember... "Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we handle it" - Charles Swindoll

Positive thoughts

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sorry to hear about your dad. :hugs:

I think it'svery raw right now and you do need to accept that your emotions are going to be all over the place until you know more so you do need to stop kicking yourself over everything. You will be there to support and this is all he needs. The docs will do the rest. What they can't give him are the things omly loved ones can.

When my GF went through it with her mum she kept things running. It helped her to be proactive and to keep normality. Once settled she was busy trying to give her mum access to activities that helped her deal with it. I know from speaking to my parents, now elderly so have lost their share of friends & family over the years, that normality is often what is needed. Things will come out in their own time but that person going through it needs to feel they are more than just their illness.

Something this big hits anyone, it's going to spike your existing mental health issues. Don't feel guilty for that, it's only human. Don't add to it by piling guilt on top of it all because your own anxiety seems like it's taking the focus away from your dad. It's not and you won't be letting it either. But at the same time you have to go through your own journey.

Support is here when you need it. Have you got any walk-in mental health groups near you? They can be helpful to talk in ways these places aren't.

[lofwyr]

You are entitled to feel the hard things you feel, and you have the seeds of recovery in what you said, regardless of how crappy it all feels right now.

When I was diagnosed with heart issues, it hit my wife harder than me, but we both found a lot of solace in online support groups via Facebook. The people there were welcoming to family members as well as the diagnosed. Prostate cancer is much more common than my medical issue, so there are probably some terrific online support groups out there. I cannot recommend it enough. Even with HA, it let's you be proactive, let's you learn how best to help your father, and while your mileage may vary, the online support really helped me realize many have walked where you are, and many of those people have happy endings to show for it.

As an aside, I have known more than a few men with prostate cancer, but none of them passed from it.

[Shadowhawk]

I really appreciate the support guys; every little bit helps not to feel alone.

Right now, i am doing everything i can to maintain normality; i have a major test tomorrow, so i am trying to keep focused and keep my head in the books. So far doing ok, but not perfect. My back and stomach (more like lower abdomen) are killing me, which is annoying in itself. Ironically, i should be happy about it, since pain in response to anxiety tends to point away from something more sinister as the cause... but there is the anxiety still lingering.

Beyond that is concern for my whole family. Beyond my dad, i really worry about the stress on my mom (who has been dealing with her own set of issues), and the further implications of everything that can happen. Obvioulsy not jumping the gun, but i tend to be the kind of guy who plans for everything he can, so no scenario isn't being thought of at this point... Still not sure how to talk to my daughter about it, but i guess that can wait since we don't know the scope of things yet.

Anyway, back to the grind for now; but i didnt want people to think their kindness was falling on dead ears. It is heard and greatly appreciated. I hope one of these days we can all catch a break and just have soom good days.. maybe tomorrow...

[Mark1974]

Sorry to read this I am having the same issue (albeit to a lesser degree I think)

I posted on here in the middle of last week I am going through a similar thing with my Dad at the moment (last Wednesday he found out he might have 12-18 months to live with lung cancer). It is crap as you will no doubt know already, but it does not mean you will suffer the same fate. Oddly, my health anxiety has disappeared (for the moment at least) despite this news when I did think it would be the exact opposite. It isn't hereditary in this instance so that worry is off the table for me. He had his first chemotherapy session yesterday and I went round to see him today and he is in very good spirits considering the circumstances. We have found 'gallows humour' is helping us cope with it (we've taken the mickey out of each other for as long as I can remember, and this seems to work for us at the moment at least)

[WiredIncorrectly]

@shadowhawk and @Mark1974

I've experienced this. Still dealing with it to be honest. It's brutal what the mind has to go through and I'm sorry you are experiencing this. We're all your friends here. Don't blame yourself for how you feel at the moment.

If you want somebody to chat to on the telephone please PM me and I will send my number. I've experienced this (twice infact) and sometimes we just need somebody to vent and talk to. Somebody impartial. If you ever feel the need the offer is always there <3 I'm on Telegram too.

[Shadowhawk]

Thanks for the support guys.

Happy to say i kept my head square this weekend and passed my test, so at least that is out of the way. Sadly, it just also opens the door (now that i have downtime) to let the HA back in, among everything else. I haven't heard anything more from my dad, but i know he has more tests to go before we know anything. And of course, the proper treatment still has to be figured out. So, its a (fast) waiting game now.

I have still been dealing with the back and belly pain, which ironically did go down after my test, but ramped up something fierce today. I am going to have a blood draw after work for my PSA, and am fighting the mental panic of "already knowing the results". IN my mind, given my father, i know my pain and issues MUST also be cancer, and that it is a very bad thing due to my age (35). I know the things i have felt and experienced may not even be related, or caused by other issues... but since they CAN be cancer, they MUST be cancer..

sigh...

[Shadowhawk]

Whew... major relief here. Got my PSA number back, and it came back....


0.5!

So, its great that its a nice low number, and now i have a solid baseline for future reference to know if any problems are brewing.