View Full Version : I'm finally having an MRI next week
I'm 23 years old, and I suffered from health anxiety for far too long. First it started with colorectal cancer fears - they went away after a clear colonoscopy. Then I had small bowel cancer fears, but it turned out that my low iron wasn't due to occult bleeding, but due to donating blood too much. Then I "had" multiple sclerosis, because I had tingling in my fingers and felt random wet spots on my skin, like it was raining inside. Of course, that didn't turn out to be true. Then I had problems with reading and as long as I worried about them, I was still misreading all the time and I was CONVINCED that I have a brain tumor.
I have learnt an enormous amount of information about many different diseases on the way.
However, since about 8 months I have been having one fear that I just can't overcome - pancreatic cancer. My symptoms are attributable to many different diseases. My doctor has done many blood tests and an abdominal ultrasound, however that's not enough for me. I wanted to get a referral for a CT/MRI but the request was denied due to lack of alarm symptoms. Today I told myself that enough is enough. It's just painful to be stuck in this limbo between "not confirmed" and "excluded". That's why I finally took the bull by the horns and signed up for a private MRI. Sure, it'll cost me 6 days of work salary, but honestly I don't care. If 6 days of work salary will finally give me a definitive answer, that will make that obnoxious fear go away, then it's worth it. I'm having the MRI right after Easter, and I'm glad that I finally decided to go for it. Just had to vent somewhere, thanks for reading
I finally took the bull by the horns and signed up for a private MRI. Sure, it'll cost me 6 days of work salary, but honestly I don't care. If 6 days of work salary will finally give me a definitive answer, that will make that obnoxious fear go away, then it's worth it. I'm having the MRI right after Easter, and I'm glad that I finally decided to go for it.
Actually, the dragon took you by the horns :( Think about how many therapy sessions you could get for 6 days salary! I'm sure all will be well until the next illness fear. I've seen the pattern time and time again here. Unless you treat the real illness, your mind will continue to create imaginary ones.
Good luck and as always...
Positive thoughts
Actually, the dragon took you by the horns :( Think about how many therapy sessions you could get for 6 days salary! I'm sure all will be well until the next illness fear. I've seen the pattern time and time again here. Unless you treat the real illness, your mind will continue to create imaginary ones.
Good luck and as always...
Positive thoughts
Exactly.
You guys are right, however I noticed that I don't really come back to the illnesses that I excluded by testing. So even if I find something else after the MRI comes clean, I'll test that out, and eventually, I'll run out of things to worry about. Hopefully.
I really hope you're able to find peace of mind after this. However, if you're going to these lengths on the strength of so little evidence, I worry you either won't believe your results or you'll move onto a new worry.
You guys are right, however I noticed that I don't really come back to the illnesses that I excluded by testing. So even if I find something else after the MRI comes clean, I'll test that out, and eventually, I'll run out of things to worry about. Hopefully.
Just saying from experience here, that's not going to happen. Do a search for some of the "How many illnesses did you think you had" threads and look at them. That will be you unless you address the illness you do have. I'd bet a Franklin on it ;)
Positive thoughts
Midnight-mouse
19-04-19, 18:16
You guys are right, however I noticed that I don't really come back to the illnesses that I excluded by testing. So even if I find something else after the MRI comes clean, I'll test that out, and eventually, I'll run out of things to worry about. Hopefully.
How much money and misery does that route take when you could just deal with the condition you know you have and be done with it?
Please don’t take me wrong, I HAD a huge issue with health anxiety and I still have issues with OCD and general anxiety but I killed the health part of my condition off a good few years ago now, I know how it feels to be in the spirals.
Positive vibes
Mouse
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I know I have health anxiety, but I don't think that I'm able to deal with it. I have taken antidepressants and Xanax but they just numbed me down and I didn't feel like myself. Cognitive behavioral therapy doesn't work for me either, I find it useless because whatever my psychologist tells me, I have a strong "that's just a trick, it's placebo, she's telling me what I want to hear and tries to rewire my thinking but I really am sick" attitude in the back of my head. I'm doomed, I'm ruining my relationships, myself and my environment. Someone hug me please
Midnight-mouse
19-04-19, 19:23
I know I have health anxiety, but I don't think that I'm able to deal with it. I have taken antidepressants and Xanax but they just numbed me down and I didn't feel like myself. Cognitive behavioral therapy doesn't work for me either, I find it useless because whatever my psychologist tells me, I have a strong "that's just a trick, it's placebo, she's telling me what I want to hear and tries to rewire my thinking but I really am sick" attitude in the back of my head. I'm doomed, I'm ruining my relationships, myself and my environment. Someone hug me please
It’s not about what hasn’t worked for you it’s about making the changes that you need to in order to be able to find what does work.
I didn’t take to medication or go to CBT either, I’ve only recently started taking propranolol for the physical side of general anxiety.
It might very well be easier to feed the demons and keep testing as opposed to dealing with the cause of them but I know which one made my life considerably better in the end and it certainly wasn’t reserving myself to suffer by my own mind.
Mouse
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I know I have health anxiety, but I don't think that I'm able to deal with it. I have taken antidepressants and Xanax but they just numbed me down and I didn't feel like myself. Cognitive behavioral therapy doesn't work for me either, I find it useless because whatever my psychologist tells me, I have a strong "that's just a trick, it's placebo, she's telling me what I want to hear and tries to rewire my thinking but I really am sick" attitude in the back of my head. I'm doomed, I'm ruining my relationships, myself and my environment. Someone hug me please
:bighug1:
Do you struggle with ambivalence in your general life? Do you need absolutes and proof positives in other areas? If so, this tendency to avoid confronting ambivalence is controlling how you deal (or not deal) with less-than-absolute-proof positive certainties in matters of your health. You’re only 23; you will encounter many things in life that don’t have answers, particularly with regard to your health. As everyone else here has suggested, stare down the dragon, cancel the unnecessary scan, and go live your life.
You guys are right, however I noticed that I don't really come back to the illnesses that I excluded by testing. So even if I find something else after the MRI comes clean, I'll test that out, and eventually, I'll run out of things to worry about. Hopefully.
I understand (sort of) why you’ve done this. But what about next time? With your next fear, will you become a regular at the private clinic spending all your salary getting things scanned?
When is enough enough? When do you treat the anxiety- because you are posting on an anxiety forum so you must have an inkling.
Also, it’s shocking how people will take money for anything.
:bighug1:
Do you struggle with ambivalence in your general life? Do you need absolutes and proof positives in other areas? If so, this tendency to avoid confronting ambivalence is controlling how you deal (or not deal) with less-than-absolute-proof positive certainties in matters of your health. You’re only 23; you will encounter many things in life that don’t have answers, particularly with regard to your health. As everyone else here has suggested, stare down the dragon, cancel the unnecessary scan, and go live your life.
Yes. I'm a realist, and whenever there's no solid proof, then I struggle to find something true. Because of that I'm not religious for example. I clearly understand your approach here, but I don't really understand how cancelling the scan is going to help me. Like, there are no downsides to it. To be honest, I'm at a point where I don't even fear cancers other than pancreatic, because the other cancers at least give you some time and a chance to fight them. I truly believe that excluding pancreatic cancer with the MRI will be a milestone in my health anxiety. I'll be sure to update the thread when I get the results.
For a start, cancelling the scan will free up funds to have fun with.
Yes, you are sick, but the sickness you're suffering from is anxiety, and until you can convince yourself to accept this, unfortunately, you're in for a very rough ride.
I don't really understand how cancelling the scan is going to help me.
Since, based on your post history and statistics, you don't have anything wrong with you physically, cancelling the scan will save you six days salary and afford you monies to spend on treating the illness you do have. This site is not called "No More Pancreatic Cancer" after all ;)
Hello "Told Ya So Gang?" I need to schedule an appointment..... Yes... The name is Mostu.... Ok... cool... See you then! :)
Positive thoughts
Yes. I'm a realist, and whenever there's no solid proof, then I struggle to find something true. Because of that I'm not religious for example. I clearly understand your approach here, but I don't really understand how cancelling the scan is going to help me. Like, there are no downsides to it. To be honest, I'm at a point where I don't even fear cancers other than pancreatic, because the other cancers at least give you some time and a chance to fight them. I truly believe that excluding pancreatic cancer with the MRI will be a milestone in my health anxiety. I'll be sure to update the thread when I get the results.
Good grief. NO downsides??? Let’s list them.
1. It’s a waste of money, and money better spent on HA treatment.
2. You are feeding your HA.
3. Your rationale for testing is based on the notion that if you get an “all clear” you can conveniently tick pancreatic cancer off your fear list and that you’re good to go. Guess what, my friend. You’re only 23. Most cancers you’re afraid occur in OLDER people. Are you prepared to start this all over again when you’re 40, or 50?
This will NEVER stop for you unless you stare down the dragon now.
LouiseAndy
19-04-19, 21:21
I'm 22, I've struggled alot with health anxiety also. I've also had some (bad but not my worst fears issues.) I remeneber I kept telling myself if I go to the doctor one more time and she tells me it's okay. I'll be okay, then a few weeks later it would go around and around in my head. Never ending, it was always like the promise of something that was never going to be.
You've got to work out a game plan, what are you going to do next? After this scan, how are you going to take of yourself without a doctor or needing another scan? What's your supportive plan going to be for yourself? I've been in therapy two years in October (I started going for a different reason not HA). I've had alot of ups and downs, I still have moments of worry but I'm doing better. I went four months without seeing my doctor and only having to go back for a female opp that was two years in the making. I think it was the proudest I was of myself. That I manged four months away when the longest I probs went before was four to six weeks at most.
I'm not trying to put you down or anything! I've been in your shoes, I've had so many of the same fears and thoughts. I still do sometimes, I could have written bits of that myself. I just want to say I guess I can get with you in terns of age and feelings! I know I can hardly talk myself because sometimes I totally freak down (having that alot recently). So its rich in certain ways
I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts xx
Yes. I'm a realist, and whenever there's no solid proof, then I struggle to find something true. .
That’s not being a realist. Being a realist is accepting grey areas and the inevitability of ambivalence.
AMomentofClarity
20-04-19, 04:48
I have to agree with what people are saying about “checking the box” on PC not meaning anything, because another illness will take its place, I know from experience....for me first it was liver disease...I just need a clear blood test and I’ll feel better. But I didn’t, so I got a clear CT scan. Now I told myself, I can move on. Within days it was lymphoma/leukemia I was afraid of. I told myself I just need a blood test then I’m done with HA. But it didn’t help...I decided I needed a chest CT too, which I got in an ER. Of course I moved on to this disease and that that disease after. I went to a dentist, an ENT, and multiple visits with my PCP.
Finally I scheduled therapy, in conjunction with going to my doctor and getting medication. It really didn’t take much, maybe 4 therapy sessions to learn to adjust my thinking and change my patterns. That was years ago and I haven’t looked back. In hindsight I could have saved thousands of dollars and months of despair had I gone the mental health route initially.
MyNameIsTerry
20-04-19, 14:35
Good grief. NO downsides??? Let’s list them.
1. It’s a waste of money, and money better spent on HA treatment.
2. You are feeding your HA.
3. Your rationale for testing is based on the notion that if you get an “all clear” you can conveniently tick pancreatic cancer off your fear list and that you’re good to go. Guess what, my friend. You’re only 23. Most cancers you’re afraid occur in OLDER people. Are you prepared to start this all over again when you’re 40, or 50?
This will NEVER stop for you unless you stare down the dragon now.
That’s not being a realist. Being a realist is accepting grey areas and the inevitability of ambivalence.
To be honest I think what you say about struggling to find something is true without proof is naïve in terms of mental health because these disorders thrive on an inability to already see you have no real proof.
I agree with Beachlady on this. The issue is what is underneath, the anxiety. That will just find another target even if you are one of those people who can accept test results without doubting them and falling into another rabbit hole.
And remember, not having pancreatic cancer this week doesn't mean you won't have it this time next year. What then? More tests?
What are you actually doing to tackle the real problem?
I get what you're all saying, and it's hard for me to put my reasoning in appropriate wording, however I came up with an analogy. Imagine that you want to boil a potato. To boil the potato, you have to peel it first. The same goes for me in terms of curing my HA. The skin of the potato is an analogy for my diseases. I need to make sure I don't have them, get rid of them, before I can proceed to treat the root problem. It's the same in medicine, if someone has pancreatic cancer and gets jaundiced, they put in the stents first, and then they do the surgery. Metastases are treated before chemotherapy is introduced, and so on. I just can't find the strength to battle my anxiety while those fears linger in my head. Sorry for ranting like this and being annoying, but I am not myself since a couple of days. I'm counting the days before I get the scan.
I get what you're all saying, and it's hard for me to put my reasoning in appropriate wording, however I came up with an analogy. Imagine that you want to boil a potato. To boil the potato, you have to peel it first. The same goes for me in terms of curing my HA. The skin of the potato is an analogy for my diseases. I need to make sure I don't have them, get rid of them, before I can proceed to treat the root problem.
This is a flawed analogy though, Mostu, and I'll tell you why.
A potato can't re-grow its skin, but health anxiety can flare again when you (general you) get a weird twinge or read the wrong article. I know you feel as though you've found a solution, but there's very little chance it won't be temporary.
(Also, I'm quite fond of potatoes boiled with the skin on - just saying :winks:)
MyNameIsTerry
20-04-19, 15:35
This is a flawed analogy though, Mostu, and I'll tell you why.
A potato can't re-grow its skin, but health anxiety can flare again when you (general you) get a weird twinge or read the wrong article. I know you feel as though you've found a solution, but there's very little chance it won't be temporary.
(Also, I'm quite fond of potatoes boiled with the skin on - just saying :winks:)
Hence why therapists use a flower to show it. Even in therapy if you treat the symptom, or only part of the themes in the anxiety, you strip sway a petal. You still have all the others. A new petal will sprout to replace the one you plucked. Even if you pluck every petal you leave the stalk and petals just regrow.
There may be times where therapists go with a patient having a test if it helps them to then work on the flaws in their thinking up to that cleared test. I suspect that's more in those that they are struggling to get anywhere with and it may or may not achieve anything anyway if they are that deep into their obsessions.
I like a nice potato too! Roast dinner tonight for me :yesyes:
Mostu, I think we can all understand how you may be too overwhelmed to start working on all this right now. We just worry you will lurch from test to test and won't push yourself into recovery after this one. If you can't do it right now, we understand, but please try not to go back to normal life after this test thinking it has resolved itself and look at getting real help to prevent it again in the future. This is learned thinking and it doesn't have to just stay with HA either, especially if it's OCD.
I truly believe that excluding pancreatic cancer with the MRI will be a milestone in my health anxiety. I'll be sure to update the thread when I get the results.
HA is like grass. You can cut it and if it's dry weather, it'll stay short for a little while. But one good rain and it grows like crazy. This very expensive test may keep the grass short for a little while but there's always going to be rain in the forecast. You need to learn to become your own lawn mower.
In the last year you've "excluded" a brain tumor, skin cancer and colon cancer not to mention several threads that include extreme self examination behaviors and attributing serious physical issues and fears to them. Now you've latched onto another irrational worry with nothing to back it up but your imagination. Perhaps reading your thread history is in order. It illustrates what everyone is saying.
Positive thoughts
AMomentofClarity
20-04-19, 16:45
HA is like grass. You can cut it and if it's dry weather, it'll stay short for a little while. But one good rain and it grows like crazy. This very expensive test may keep the grass short for a little while but there's always going to be rain in the forecast. You need to learn to become your own lawn mower.
In the last year you've "excluded" a brain tumor, skin cancer and colon cancer not to mention several threads that include extreme self examination behaviors and attributing serious physical issues and fears to them. Now you've latched onto another irrational worry with nothing to back it up but your imagination. Perhaps reading your thread history is in order. It illustrates what everyone is saying.
Positive thoughts
The grass analogy is absolutely perfect.
So your plan is to get an all-clear for all the cancers you’re afraid you might have before dealing with your HA. I see.
Start saving now for all those scans you’ll be getting.
Here’s a list to get you started:
4757
Having the MRI in 5 hours. Haven't slept tonight. I'm so stressed... Will update after the scan
Midnight-mouse
25-04-19, 09:34
Having the MRI in 5 hours. Haven't slept tonight. I'm so stressed... Will update after the scan
Try and relax the best you can, your stress changes nothing. Let us know how it goes!
Positive vibes,
Mouse
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Alright, it's done. Took an hour, was loud and kinda uncomfortable but survived, lol. Now I'm waiting for the results, hope it doesn't take long!
AMomentofClarity
25-04-19, 14:51
What are you going to do when the results come back clear?
I'll live life more, I'll start working out, I'll stop being such a depressed and complaining person. Honestly it's hard for me to plan that much ahead because I'm almost certain that the results won't be clear...
AMomentofClarity
25-04-19, 15:22
I'll live life more, I'll start working out, I'll stop being such a depressed and complaining person. Honestly it's hard for me to plan that much ahead because I'm almost certain that the results won't be clear...
I hope I’m wrong.....but, the odds say you’ll be back with a new fear within a month or two because you refuse to truly acknowledge and treat your anxiety. Anybody who has been there can see the pattern clear as day
Anybody who has been there can see the pattern clear as day
Indeed,a text-book example of HA in action and the justifications given for 'just this scan' . Just read this thread in entirety, some great experienced advice on here from so many!
I hope I’m wrong.....but, the odds say you’ll be back with a new fear within a month or two because you refuse to truly acknowledge and treat your anxiety. Anybody who has been there can see the pattern clear as day
Have to agree. You're dreading results due to your negative and worst-case scenario HA mindset. But when result comes back "clear", your HA will soon move on to another fear. Unless your HA is treated.
So good luck with results. The Told You So Gang will be watching and waiting ;)
Using the analogy of the grass, HA is like a weed.
It's ugly, nobody wants them, they are a plague on the grass.
Cutting the top of the weed makes your grass/lawn looks nicer. That's your re-assurance. That's your scan (which will show all clear). But the weed grows back. That will be another illness of some sort. Some other scare. Or even you thinking 'they might have not scanned the whole area'. It grows back.
To TRULY get rid of the weed, you need to remove the root - which is your anxiety. As somebody who had bad HA and is recovering it is so true.
Using the analogy of the grass, HA is like a weed.
It's ugly, nobody wants them, they are a plague on the grass.
Cutting the top of the weed makes your grass/lawn looks nicer. That's your re-assurance. That's your scan (which will show all clear). But the weed grows back. That will be another illness of some sort. Some other scare. Or even you thinking 'they might have not scanned the whole area'. It grows back.
To TRULY get rid of the weed, you need to remove the root - which is your anxiety. As somebody who had bad HA and is recovering it is so true.
Spot on!
Positive thoughts
Just as you said... MRI is clear. I feel like a giant stone just fell off my shoulders. Thanks for the support guys.
Just as you said... MRI is clear. I feel like a giant stone just fell off my shoulders. Thanks for the support guys.
TYS Gang has yet to be proved wrong :D
Very pleased for you, Mostu, but make sure you focus on your HA now and don't come back with yet another fear.
HA is a slippery, cunning beast :lac:
Just as you said... MRI is clear. I feel like a giant stone just fell off my shoulders. Thanks for the support guys.
Courtesy of your friendly neighborhood "Told Ya So Gang" ;)
https://media.giphy.com/media/fH9Ma43j97NjtUuq5c/giphy.gif
Positive thoughts
We’ll see you when you pop up again with your next cancer fear. Hope you’re saving your money for all those scans you’ll need.
Just as you said... MRI is clear. I feel like a giant stone just fell off my shoulders. Thanks for the support guys.
Great news.
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