View Full Version : Worried about my husbands anger
I don't know if I'm putting this is in the right place.
I am a long time member but didn't want to use my usual log in for fear of my husband seeing this.
let me start by saying he's not beating me up, there are far worse stories out there, people far worse off. I don't know if I just need to toughen up..?
I don't know what I stand to gain by saying any of it. I'm just at a loss and I need advice.
My husband first showed real anger when I was suffering badly with anxiety and agoraphobia. He put his fist through the living room door because he didn't know what to do with me saying I felt suicidal. That time I understood he was frustrated and at a loss. I don't blame him.
In arguments over the years he's put his fist through another door, smashed something and pushed a door into the wall, breaking the plaster.. Little bits.
In the last year he's got in my face, squeezed my upper arms (holding me there to shout at me), and punched the sofa a few times a few inches away from me.
Last month an argument escalated in the car and he drove like an idiot, he turned it so fast around a bend that the tyre came off the wheel..( I actually thought the whole wheel had gone under the car it made such a sound and judder). After I screamed to be let out, he slammed the breaks on lunging me forwards but thankfully the seatbelt stopped me hitting the dashboard. He sped off, came back and shouted at me to stop being an embarrassment to myself (walking along the roadside) but I still refused to get back in
Tonight I've made him angry but it was only the laptop that he slammed down, then slammed down his hand on the table. He's gone into another room and not near me, so I'm grateful for that.
He came in on Saturday angry at someone who had just cut him up and gave him the finger.. He told me he then overtook the man and slammed the breaks on. I don't know why, but it's taken me until this moment to realise he did that whilst our son was in the passenger seat.
So now I feel like my own husband can't be trusted to have our son alone in the car with him and that makes me so sad to be writing it, and thinking it.. there's no way I can tell him that as it will start another fight.
I find I'm beginning to look at things around me and see all the times I was shouted at.. The house I'm in, I didn't want to move but got shouted at over it so many times I gave in and moved (something that still causes friction)
Even silly things like the washing machine, reminds me of him belittling me in the shop, arguing in there and making me cry.
The lawnmowe.. a similar deal..
Same with the Tv we have.. And other things
all remind me me of being shouted at.
This is what escalated tonight's episode, not wanting him to touch/Photoshop photographs of my dead grandparents whilst shouting at me, just because I didn't want to see those in the future and be reminded of another argument.. So he slammed down the laptop, which I'm assuming will be now be broken
I just don't know where this is heading.
I dont believe he would ever lay a hand on our son, it's only me who he gets angry at.
I'm always to blame, even when I explain my side I'm still at fault. I feel I'm a bad person for making someone act out this way, I genuinely don't know what I do sometimes.
I do find myself trying to alter my tone, trying to monitor what I say and how I say it, and yet still failing and I'm still to blame.
It doesn't always resort to outbursts, only when I argue back, so perhaps I need to learn not to do that?
I don't know what to do. I've done something wrong every week.
I don't know how this man can be so nice one minute, then nasty the next. I don't know where I am with him. How can he be so nice, say nice things, yet be so quick to say nasty things too. How can he like me deep down if he's finding fault in me so often.
From what you have written, I would say you are in an abusive relationship. Would you agree? Reading this makes me concerned for your safety (mainly psychological, but also physical). Do you see your relationship in these terms?
JoJo asks an important question because if you can't/won't see the situation you're in, we can't really help, and could even make things worse.
Once you accept that there is abuse, violence and controlling behaviour going on, you can take action by getting in touch with various agencies who can advise and help to protect you.
I agree with JoJo; this is abusive. I grew up in a household where my father was quick to anger over the slightest and most unpredictable things. We (my mother, my sister and I) spent our lives walking on eggshells, hoping not to trigger a rage episode. And I, also, had a boyfriend in my 20s who was quick to anger, who insulted me, tried to control my finances and social life, and threw things or twisted my arms when he was angry. I'm now in a much better and happier place, thanks in part to therapy.
My point being - your husband's anger impacts on your son as well. Kids pick up on these things, even when you try to hide it from them.
His anger, his reactions, are NOT your fault. I cannot stress that enough. You are not responsible for another person's anger. Please read this, on recognising signs of abuse: https://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/
I sincerely think that you need to find a way to leave, with your son. There is a real risk that his physical and emotional abuse will escalate over time. Consider gathering your documents (your passport, son's birth cert) and, if you can, some money in an account that your husband can't access. Do you have any pets?
Please phone the National Domestic Violence Hotline (freephone, lines open 24/7) on 0808 2000 247. They can advise you of your legal rights, and the next steps to take to ensure your safety, including (if you need it) access to a women's refuge.
I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Please update us, if you can, to let us know that you are safe.
MyNameIsTerry
24-04-19, 02:29
I dont believe he would ever lay a hand on our son, it's only me who he gets angry at.
But that's not correct form what you say. He reacted very angrily to being cut up and took his anger out on another driver potentially endangering your son in the process. I'm only saying this because I think you need to consider his anger goes beyond your relationship and looks to me like an anger problem in general. On this basis, what stops this being anger at anyone? What about as your son gets older? Will he then be an appropriate target for his anger?
But the physical, and mental, abuse in the relationship alone needs sorting. He needs to get professional help with this but you and your son also deserve protection from it. You shouldn't have to live on edge, that alone is going to be affecting your mental health.
I think you really need some professional advice on this. Abuse is so complex and it would be good to get some support from people trained in how to handle it. You are in control, you don't have to do what they say but perhaps they will give you the confidence you need to do what is best for you both?
I don't know what I see my relationship as.
I want to say my husband is struggling.. His stress increased slowly over the last 11 or 12 yrs he's been working in a new position.
Yet he says he's working on reducing it and is managing it..
He has several cars that he was supposed to enjoy, but now all are stressing him out..
he's been poorly..
He recently had an op (so I hoped things would start improving). I'd done something wrong every day he was at home recovering, I just took this as him being run down etc, but the issues are still being raised now... I don't say the right things, I storm off (when I walk off), I look unhappy (I know I have a miserable resting face.. But it's the same face I've always had?)
i tried to to talk tonight. He didn't get angry, he also didn't seem bothered by the fact I'm sat there crying. But its all my fault still. He "doesn't know how to take me".
To to overtake and slam the breaks on, whilst our son is sat there does baffle me. He's never done that with me there, So I'm shocked tbh.
I knew it was a mistake letting him drive that day, as it was a second trip he was making due to my indecisiveness. (Turns out I was right, as the next day it was part of his displeasure for "driving all over"). it's another one of those "I don't mind" then a day later it comes out he does mind. So I feel like a confused disappointing mess!
Hes not controlling the money in our joint account. He doesn't complain about the things I do in the home/things of that nature.. It's just me, as a person.
its not ok to be me anymore I guess. I'd wondered if he was seeing someone else, but the signs aren't there.
Ive taken from tonights discussion; that I don't explain my answers properly (I've always struggled with getting my words out, which is why I have no friends - I've no confidence for starters).
I need to try to smile more maybe? Basically be careful not to let my face relax too much in the wrong situations...
Not walk away at the wrong times so it doesn't look like I'm storming off...?
what I thought was a simple observation that one yoghurt was cheaper than another, translated to him never being able to do anything right, something about me setting rules, and a number of other things - So I guess I shouldn't disagree on things? I don't even know!
How depressing. I feel dumb, like I can't figure it out.
Ive no idea if this is normal, positive changes.. It doesn't seem too much to ask, yet feels depressing at the same time.
I meant to say, I am already seeing a psychologist for low self esteem.
I had my first proper appointment last month. She asked about my relationship with my husband and she decided I needed marriage counselling and wanted me to have that before any further appointments, but as I'm miserable I asked if she would continue seeing me, thankfully she agreed. Appointments seem to be a month apart.. The next one can't come quick enough!
I did as she told me and explained to my husband that she felt we needed counselling, thankfully it didn't escalate into an argument as I imagined and all was well for a few weeks. We've not been for any though. Tbh I don't know what the point would be, I think all he hopes for is someone to tell me how wrong I am and help me put it right.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I agree with others that it sounds - at the least - like an emotionally abusive relationship.
The main thing I want to say, though, is to stop thinking this way: "let me start by saying he's not beating me up, there are far worse stories out there, people far worse off. I don't know if I just need to toughen up..?"
Don't compare yourself to anyone else or their situation. Your fear and unhappiness are entirely valid no matter what anyone else has or will go through. I can't find it now, but someone I know just posted a wonderful quote about this - that abused people very often minimize their own abuse by saying someone else has it worse and almost apologizing for being upset about their own situation.
Please, please don't feel that way. Don't let anyone - yourself, your therapist, your husband - minimize what you're going through or how you're feeling. If you don't feel safe with your husband or don't think your son is safe with your husband don't feel guilty for thinking about leaving (if that's what you're thinking) or getting other help.
Good luck!
MyNameIsTerry
25-04-19, 02:24
When you had this discussion what was determined about his behaviour that needed changing? Above you say everything about your own and I'm left wondering whether, whilst it wasn't a discussion ending in his anger as you feared, this came out very one way?
What he is doing is not normal and whilst you can do everything you can to address your issues, and that's to be encouraged because you have your own mental health issues to work through, it will leave behind a poor foundation for the future if he doesn't commit to working on why he is like this.
It could be that when he is stressed he just can't contain his anger and this is something he can get help with. They can teach him techniques to control this. They could look at the any stressors that set an environment for his anger to be triggered. If stresses in his life, not connected to you, create this opportunity for him to flare then he perhaps needs someone objective to look at whether he is managing his work the best way or whether he is attaching too much personal commitment to things that can be delegated.
Do not blame yourself for his anger. It is not up to you to change how you carry yourself to make him less angry. It is up to him to learn to control himself.
Does he suffer from depression at all? I ask because for about 20 years my dad has long been of a similar spirit, often, perhaps daily, flipping out verbally at my mom on the weirdest little things, though without any physical destruction and without any violent actions. Now there are no heroes in my parents situation because my mom gives it right back just as much. They kind of feed off each other in a massively dysfunctional co-dependent loop of arguments and belittling. It's quite damaging if there are kids around to the kids I'm sure because I can even see some affect on myself and my younger adult siblings (they still live there).
I ask about depression because one time recently my dad mentioned to me that he has felt depression ever since his mom passed, which was about 20 years ago...and around that time was when the arguments really escalated and have been what I would consider emotionally abusive ever since. I've since wondered if depression is the cause for his outbursts, and instead of being sad and mopey or apathetic, the depression manifests as anger? He is now dealing with significant heart issues so that is his current health focus but he agreed that should his health get better that he should then focus on his depression. i wouldn't be surprised if there is something mentally my mom could work on as well, she's has some quirky behaviors too but I can't quite pin it.
I also noticed you mentioned a particularly bumpy time after your husband had an operation, and I know many post op complications can br increased depression. So maybe he really needs help with that to calm down? I think if your husband is willing to get some counseling it could help. Maybe I'm just projecting here based on my family situation, as in hindsight I wish that years ago I was more adamant to my parents that they get help. I don't think it could hurt... although the discussion to get him to go might be very difficult.
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I'm not condoning your husbands behaviour at all, I certainly cannot imagine gripping hold of my partner like that.
In my experience suffering from anxiety myself and displaying some mild Bi Polar symptoms, men can externalise their pent up feelings through anger. I did some reckless stuff when I was driving and tried to pull someone out of their car, which looking back was foolish. I ended up being referred to a psychiatrist and was prescribed an Anti-psychotic and I have been fine since.
As someone else touched on it could be depression that is fuelling his anger, how you broach that subject is down to you, but you cant continue living in fear the way you are.
Sounds like what I went through with my ex. I am sorry to say you are in an abusive relationship.
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