Highs and Lows

[Mell1988]

Hi guys,

I haven't posted for a while - feel a bit selfish about it as I only seem to come here when I'm feeling a bit rough. I hope you are all well though.

Sometimes I hate my anxiety so much - it feels like I will never be "normal" again, as if my life is destined to be like this at best (ie. constantly feeling anxious in the background and feeling as if there is always something wrong).

My worries are always centered around my sons health and even now I have the same recurring thoughts about him that I had over 2 years ago and even though sometimes when my anxiety is at its lowest I can look at things sensibly, as soon as my anxiety returns I immediately go into "panic mode" thinking that all my original thoughts about him being ill are right and that nothing has changed. I have been on the Internet looking at health related issues again and I swore I would stop doing this as this always seems to make things worse, and I never really read anything that I haven't already read plenty of times before. Yet why do I do it ?? I feel so guilty afterwards and ashamed, as well as usually feeling more stressed and upset - so why do I do it ?!!!!!!

Is this all I can expect out of life or do you think that I can lock this anxiety away once and for all ?!

I have been having counselling but unfortunately my counsellor's personal circumstances have changed and she is having to go back to a full time job and not keep up with it, which means I now have to decide whether to go it alone without one or find another one.

I always used to find the sessions helped I must admit - even if they didn't specifically teach me anything, it was almost as if just talking about it to someone helped get it off my chest.

Sometimes I feel as if I need to get away for a night by myself - just something daft like go down to the coast and stay at a hotel on my own (the beach seems to be my "stress haven" where I like to go when things are looking bleak) just to have time to myself. But then on the other hand distractions work best at keeping my anxiety levels at bay, and if I have a night to myself then I'm sure I will just dwell on things.

I'm sorry I am not really being very concise here and I am not sure what I'm hoping other people will say in their replies - other than that I'm not alone!!

Take Care All
xxxxxx

[Sarah-Jane]

Hi ya Mell

Sorry you are having a bad time of it again, highs and lows are normal and part of the journey to recovery. The good thing is that hopefully you experience more highs than lows until eventually you will be panic/anxiety free, you have done it before you can do it again. We have all expereinced the same thing as you and are here to help and give you support.

Hope you are feeling better soon xxxxxxx

Love Sarah-Jane xxxx

[nomorepanic]

Hi Mell

Good to see you back again.

I think the only way we ever really get rid of the anxiety is to keep facing the issues and accept them for what they are.

Your son is going to be fine and deep down you know that he will but it is up to you to try and accept that however you can.

Going to the beach sounds great !! I would love that too.

Could you treat yourself to a relaxing massage or facial atall - that may help too.

Chin up ok - you can get there in time.

Nicola

[lainey]

Keep your pecker up Mell, you will get there in time. Perhaps you do need some me time to help you relax, it's definetly worth a try.
Take care
Elaine x

[Mell1988]

Hi guys,

Once again thanks for the kind words. I am feeling a bit better at the moment, just hate the "up and down" scenario where I never know from one day to the next.

However, my monthly "friend" will be visiting soon (iykwim girls!) and I always find my anxiety is worse in the week or so beforehand, so maybe that's not helping.

I guess I just need to be aware this will happen and see it through rather than feed the anxiety by doing my usual things (like health surfing on the internet etc. etc.)

I do feel I need some "me time" but then I know that when I have too much time to think it isn't necessarily a good thing !!

Thank you all for being here :-)

[sal]

Hi Mell

Sorry to hear you having been going through one of the lows we all hit. I know how you feel thinking you will never be totally free from it all, but you will hon. You have been doing really well.

I know what you mean about time on your own, it is good for you but too much of it leaves us too much time to worry. Make sure you do get some time to yourself as everyone needs it.

Take care.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

[Mell1988]

Hi Sal,

Thanks for your post. I am going to make myself some resolutions (a bit late I know :-) ) as I am so un-disciplined it's unbelievable.

My resolution (for starters) :

1. Stop looking at Internet for health related issues (except this site of course!).

Now I'm putting it here in the hope that this will stop me from doing it as I want to be able to keep posting here saying that I've managed to keep my resolution.

I think the reason I do it so much is just it gives me something to think about - I have to be thinking/fretting/dwelling on things all the time and if I haven't got anything that springs to mind to dwell on I will go looking for things - daft things, like health issues/concerns we had about my son months or years ago - half the time they're not even relevant anymore but I look anyway and then start getting anxious because my worries return. Sometimes I even look for things that aren't a concern but then I start to worry that if they happened then I would be worried because I've read too much about things - the "what if ?" scenario.

So anyway, you all heard me - there's my resolution. I promise to be honest and let you know if I slip up if you can all promise to shame me if I do !!!!

I have a number of a new counsellor and I emailed her and she is happy to see me to see if we can work together. Really want to start up with the counselling again but realistically money wise it is pricy :-(. But having said that if it gets me through and makes me feel better it has to be worth it in the long run.

Take Care All and thanks for letting me waffle again.

xxx

[Karen]

Hi Mell

Well done for making the decision to stop looking at health sites on the internet. I have an obsession concerning someone I know being hurt at present and my checking involves looking for signs of her being online so I know she is safe. I know how hard it is to stop doing it.

I hope the new counsellor works out well for you.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Mell1988]

Hi Karen,

Thanks alot for your post. It is almost like an addiction isn't it ? That's the way my previous counsellor compared it to and she was right. Not quite sure why I am so addicted when it's not as if it gives me comfort - in fact it pretty much always makes me feel worse but I guess that probably confirms even more that it is an addiction as opposed to something rational.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed I can sort myself out - I really hate living like this as it feels like I miss out on so much sometimes. Seem to use all my energy being "normal", ie going to work, doing household chores, doing routine things but the one thing I can't do is just be happy and content.

Let's face it no-one knows what's around the corner and it's probably just as well we don't but what we do have is the present and I just would love to be one of those people who enjoys life day to day and doesn't dwell on things too much - maybe I am just kidding myself that people find this easy and perhaps I just need to work at it more but that would be my ideal goal.

Worrying doesn't seem to solve anything - it doesn't change the outcome and it just means you have a more miserable time of it !

Take Care

[Meg]

Hi Mell

Good decision to stop looking things up.

Sounds like you're using the internet to relax, some company and entertainment and then end up cruising the old sites you used to look at and using search engines to see if there is anything you might have missed or is new out ...then reading about it makes you recall how it was and then remember - that your innards cannot tell between an imaginary illness and the real thing and as you get yourself worked up by thinking about it all the adrenalin starts trickling.....




Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk

You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

[Mell1988]

Hi Meg,

Spot on. You've described exactly how I am.

Good example is this morning, my son woke up and was a little bit sick when he came downstairs - as he hadn't eaten anything yet (excuse the gross description to follow) it was mainly just saliva that he brought up but there was a little bit of yellow mucus in it as well which I would imagine is probably because he sounded a bit congested in his nose this morning and perhaps it's gone to his stomach.

We've all had colds off and on since Christmas and I have been exactly the same for over 2 weeks - feeling congested at the back of my throat and coughing up similar stuff yet feel perfectly well in myself so it's probably just the cold working it's way out.

Anyway, my son is fine in himself and quite happily ate his breakfast afterwards so my instinct says probably nothing to worry about, perhaps just another cold on the way or just that he's got a bit congested overnight when asleep.

However, immediately my mind was working out that as soon as I got the opportunity I would be on the internet searching for this as a symptom. I'm fairly sure (based on my past surfing) that I would probably find a range of things from a simple cold causing it to something more serious.

I have managed to stop myself looking (hoping that I can keep it that way) and came on here straight away instead.

I think I find it hard to be objective about things, get myself in a state about symptoms that arise there and then rather than look at the big picture and realise that children have these things off and on and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything sinister going on.

Of course if my son appeared unwell then I would have him to the docs straight away, as perhaps he could have an ear infection or something.

Fingers crossed I can keep this up and stay away from the symptom surfing.

Take Care

[sal]

Well done for making that resolution, a positive step forward.

Good luck with the counsellor and like you say you cant put a price on getting better. Hope it goes well.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

[Mell1988]

Hi Sal,

Thanks again for your post. I am feeling OK at the moment - so far I haven't done any "symptom surfing" today - it has been hard because my son is a bit peaky at the moment and I suspect he may have a slight ear infection and I have been very tempted to go on the Internet and search for ear infection symptoms even though I'm fairly sure I know what they are anyway!

I know to most people doing things like that is a fairly sensible thing to do - teaches you a bit more about something and helps identify problems. That is what I've told myself before when I do it, but I know now that this kind of thing is not good (in fact it's very BAD!) for an anxiety sufferer like mebecause although reading some things is harmless the more I do it the more likely it is that I read something that worries me and causes the unhappy memories to come back along with the anxiety.

I also realise that as I have alot of information at my disposal when I do these things then there is no one else there to regulate my thoughts and make sure I don't get carried away.

I've also contacted the counsellor about arranging my first appt so I feel a bit more positive about that.

Still feeling a bit shaky but I know that it is coming up to "that time of the month" again and I always feel like this round about this time - I'm just hoping that I can get something positive out of it this time rather than doing things to make my anxiety worse!

Take Care All
xxx

[nomorepanic]

Hi Mell

Great news about the "non surfing". We all do it - I have too and I sent Meg a PM and said "oh god I have liver disease". What she did was reassure me and tell me the facts.

I am trying to stop it now cos I end up making myself worse.

Do you take Primrose oil for the time of month atall?

I hope you feel better soon and manage to post here rather than hunt on the net.

Meg is a real star for reassuring us with symptoms and I know that she will always help if you need to know what it could be instead of something more sinister.

Nicola

[Mell1988]

Hi Nicola,

Thanks for your message - I know what you mean about Meg, she has offered to do the same for me and I already emailed her with "today's concerns" and she reassured me! She's done that in the past as well about my anxieties and it's a fantastic help just to know that someone else has heard what you're thinking and can give you a rational answer.

I have been taking Vitamin B Complex for the PMT - do you think evening primrose oil might be worth a try ? I think I have noticed a difference with the Vitamin B, although sometimes it's hard to tell but as long as I keep feeling a bit better I will take it whether it really is having a true effect or not !

Thanks again (celebrating a full day without symptom surfing!)

xx

[Meg]

Vit B is not for PMT its for supporting the nervous system.

Omega 3 or 6/ flaxseed oil will help both PMT and the brain.


Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk

You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

[Karen]

Hi Mell

Well done for avoiding "symptom surfing". I can understand how much determination that took.

It is good news about the counselling appointment. I hope it goes well for you.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[sal]

Hi Mell

You are doing great, so keep reminding yourself of that hon.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

[theharvestmouse]

why are you doing this? stupid c***

[hopey]

Hello Mel. I too feel I only ever come on here when I am feel extremely low, which I tell myself is very selfish!!!!
Do hope that you will find a way to get some "ME Time" which will be of help
for you. Hope also you get some replies on here that will be good for you.
Blessings Hopey