View Full Version : 15 year old daughter has bleeding after stool
I posted last year about my daughter having some blood on the tissue after a bowel movement, I received some very good advice. For the last week or so my daughter has been having blood on the tissue after every bowel movement. She let me see hoe much there was one time and to me it seemed like quite a lot. She says she has some pain while passing a stool and has a little discomfort for a while after. She doesn't always have a bowel movement every day and as far as I know her stools can be quite firm and hard.
I have spoken to her about seeing the doctor but she is absolutely adamant that she's not going to go. I have tried to remain calm and not panic her but she gets very very distressed when I discuss it with her. She's embarrassed to talk to me about her bowel movements and basically just shuts down when I try to discuss it.
I have severe health anxiety and my biggest fear is bowel cancer, i've been in a state of anxiety for the last 2 and a half years over this and i'm in a total panic about my daughter. She has her exams coming up and I don't want to stress her anymore than necessary but I don't know what to do. I can't drag her to the doctor's.
Any advice would be gratefully received.
She sounds bit constipated and you're describing a fissure or a hemmie. Some OTC cream would help her as well as more fiber. Real life help for your anxiety would help you.
Positive thoughts
She sounds bit constipated and you're describing a fissure or a hemmie. Some OTC cream would help her as well as more fiber. Real life help for your anxiety would help you.
Ppsitive thoughts
Thanks for your reply,
Would a fissure or hemmie cause bleeding every time?
I was having therapy last year but the therapist actually made my anxiety worse and my appointments were only monthly which were really no help at all. I'm trying really hard not to project my fears onto my daughter but i'm struggling to keep this under control.
Would a fissure or hemmie cause bleeding every time?
They can especially if they're irritated yes. As far as your anxiety and projecting, yes, that should be a concern. You've been a sufferer for a long time and your kids have grown up with a anxious Mom. Kids pick up and are affected much more than we realize. Why not download the FREE CBT course (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?211324-9-FREE-CBT-ebooks-for-Health-Anxiety) and do some self help?
Positive thoughts
Very likely to be small tear/fissure if she experiences some discomfort or pain during BM. If it's a small fissure it can take time to heal and teens can have some pretty err...big BMs. Also, young people have tendency to strain and rush when on toilet so perhaps you could tell her to take her time and not strain. Ditto re piles.
Certainly doesn't sound untoward or sinister but something to keep an eye on.
ankietyjoe
28-04-19, 12:30
What's her diet like, is she stressed about anything (exams being the obvious one)?
These things can cause digestion issues that can then lead on to bum issues. It can cause external bleeding every time.
This is pretty common and highly unlikely to be anything to worry about.
MyNameIsTerry
28-04-19, 13:49
Does she know that you have issues in this area (not considering the anxiey issues)? And that it is very common to have these issues?
It must seem embarassing to someone her age but this is where she needs to become comfortable that such issues are what we see our GP's for and how you as a parent can help her by experience.
As Joe asks, is she under stress? If so then perhaps talking to her about that and how it's a natural reaction of the body to have issues like poiles might help her be less embarassed? Just thinking that it's a time of life where we can be embarassed about our bodies because we don't understand how much is normal.
I am really not surprised your 15 year old daughter doesn't want to talk to you about her bowel movements,although she must have a little as she told you about the blood and showed you the paper! (more than my daughter would have done at that age lol) I remember last year when you were posting about the same issue, and I'm sure your daughter must know only too well that you are incredibly stressed about bowel issues in general. I seem to recall that when this happened before she wasn't that concerned about it, and clearly it MUST have cleared up. At her age I had similar, quite a few times, just small tears from being constipated. Thats it. Honestly Rainbow, go back and read the posts from the last year, because the same really apply to her situation this time. It WILL NOT be cancer, and I think your anxiety about bowel cancer is making you over-react to her bowel habits. Its her body, her life and her choice, and all you can do is remind her that you are there to talk if she needs you to, that you will take her to the GP if she feels it doesn't sort itself out/gest worse, and that you will trust her judgement about if she feels something is wrong. Thats all you can do in these circumstances ; APART from encourage her to increase her fluid intake and improve the 'dry/hardness' by increasing fibre and improving diet. That is something she might talk to you more freely about ?
Rainbow,
I want to remind you of your post, which was almost exactly a year ago to the day. I have copied it below. Firstly, you mention that your daughter has had this on and off since she was 2 years old. Secondly you talk about the fact that she has hard dry stools and doesn't drink enough water or eat enough fibre. Nothing has changed in the situation in a whole year, she has the same problem she had then and clearly as she's had this on and off since she was 2 years old its NOT anything that doesn't resolve.
Hi, a couple of years ago my daughter told me that she had a smear of blood on the toilet paper after a bowel movement. She showed me and it was very little, I assumed it was a small tear as when she was about 2 she had some episodes of bleeding after a bowel movement, the gp said most likely a small tear. For some reason the other day I asked her if she still has this happening, she said it does sometimes but is'nt very much. She was very vague about how often it happens.
I asked her if she has any pain during or after a bowel movement and she said not really. I asked if she has to strain when she goes and she does, her stools have always been small and hard and I assume from talking to her that they still are. She doesn't drink enough water or eat enough fibre. She was getting quite distressed while I was talking to her about it, she has bad anxiety. When I mentioned seeing the gp she became very agitated and said she doesn't want to go. She's 14 and very modest about her body.
Now i'm stressing out massively and my mind is going to worst case scenarios. Bowel cancer is my biggest fear. I can't force her to go to the gp and I don't want to keep asking her about her bowel movements incase I make her more anxious.
Instead of freaking her out running up to her exams, as she has anxiety already, then why not just do a mother and daughter healthy eating plan - to help her to stop the hard and dry stools?!
Thank you all for replying to my post.
I know I have serious health anxiety and I have been improving but I am really struggling with this. I think it's the fact that this is going on for so long that is worrying me. It can't be good for her to be bleeding every time she has a bowel movement. There was a day last week when she had a very small bowel movement that there was no blood, so i'm trying to rationalise that it's the larger stool that's re-opening a cut and causing bleeding every time.
I have been looking at statistics, and in her age group in Scotland there are 6 females per year that are diagnosed with bowel cancer. I know that's a tiny amount but my anxious mind tries to tell me that she could be one of those 6!! Also, as the blood is very fresh i'm assuming that it's coming from just inside and there are no cases of rectal cancer in her age group at all. This reassures me for a while until all the dark thoughts start coming in.
I want to ask her if it's still happening, how much blood there is, is she still having pain, does she have to strain, what are her stool like. I know I can't because she'll start to get agitated again. She is very very shy about her body so she just doesn't want to discuss this with me.
I know that's a tiny amount but my anxious mind tries to tell me that she could be one of those 6!!
......and what are the chances that she has had bowel cancer since she was 2 years old, and had it for 13 years ????
MyNameIsTerry
29-04-19, 17:10
You can be the concerned parent and park your worrying in your head so as not to alarm her in the process. She sounds like she has an ongoing health issue, a very common one, and that's what parents & GP's are for. But be wary of pushing for information if you feel anxiety because you don't want to make it compulsive.
Her shyness is understandable but I think this is where she needs a bit of prodding into learning this type of thing is very common and nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about just as we have learnt through experience that what seems embarrassing to us is just part of the day job to a GP.
......and what are the chances that she has had bowel cancer since she was 2 years old, and had it for 13 years ????
When she was 2 it was only a small number of times that there was bleeding, it was in her nappy. I can't really remember much if there was any other incidents up until about 2/3 years ago when she showed some smears of blood on the toilet roll and then another time when there was blood in the toilet bowl. It's the length of time this has been going on that concerns me this time. I really don't want to stress or worry her, she has an exam tomorrow and the day after.
ankietyjoe
29-04-19, 19:19
You keep repeating the same thing. You either have to do something about it, or let it go.
If you don't want to stress her about it, let it go.
I really don't want to stress or worry her, she has an exam tomorrow and the day after.
Then don't stress or worry her.
You have said time and time again that she doesn't drink enough water, her stools are solid and hard, she strains and hasn't got a high fibre intake. You are bringing your own illogical HA about sinister reasons for her problem to her doorstep.
You keep repeating the same thing. You either have to do something about it, or let it go.
If you don't want to stress her about it, let it go.
I want to do something about it but she won't cooperate. How am I supposed to let it go?
Then don't stress or worry her.
You have said time and time again that she doesn't drink enough water, her stools are solid and hard, she strains and hasn't got a high fibre intake. You are bringing your own illogical HA about sinister reasons for her problem to her doorstep.
This isn't really about me, it's about my daughter who clearly has an issue and I can't get her to address it. If it was your daughter what would you do?
I would put it down to a painful anal fissure which can be caused by hard dry stools ie constipation. I'd advise her to drink as much water as possible and to eat some extra fresh fruit and veg. Also maybe to go out for some walks because she must be cooped up in her room a lot revising and walking can help get a sluggish gut moving again. Stress can cause constipation as well as diarrhoea.
This isn't really about me, it's about my daughter who clearly has an issue and I can't get her to address it.
You're the one driving yourself crazy in the presence of perfectly rational explanations. At least on some level, this is about you.
If lifestyle changes don't have an effect, there's plenty of time to encourage her to seek further help after her exams.
ankietyjoe
30-04-19, 08:49
I want to do something about it but she won't cooperate. How am I supposed to let it go?
I mean do something about you. What she is suffering from isn't life threatening, and she clearly doesn't want you involved. You have to back off and let her deal with it in her way.
You let go by changing the behaviour you've been practising. Stop looking up statistics, when you feel that you need to, go and do something else. You need to re-train your brain to stop needing constant reassurance. That's the key to all HA.
If it were my daughter I would do exactly what these people have stated....LOL...
I would put it down to a painful anal fissure which can be caused by hard dry stools ie constipation. I'd advise her to drink as much water as possible and to eat some extra fresh fruit and veg. Also maybe to go out for some walks because she must be cooped up in her room a lot revising and walking can help get a sluggish gut moving again. Stress can cause constipation as well as diarrhoea.
I mean do something about you. What she is suffering from isn't life threatening, and she clearly doesn't want you involved. You have to back off and let her deal with it in her way.
You let go by changing the behaviour you've been practising. Stop looking up statistics, when you feel that you need to, go and do something else. You need to re-train your brain to stop needing constant reassurance. That's the key to all HA.
You're the one driving yourself crazy in the presence of perfectly rational explanations. At least on some level, this is about you.
If lifestyle changes don't have an effect, there's plenty of time to encourage her to seek further help after her exams.
She is 15, she doesn't want to talk about her bowels, doesn't want to see the doctor, she needs and wants to get on with her exams. Work on improving her fluid and diet BIG TIME and be careful otherwise she will stop telling you things - above all you need to keep the windows of communication wide open. Good grief, when it happened to me as a teenager I didn't even mention it to my parents at all! Yes, I had tiny fissures no doubt and definitely had hemmies, so as you are party to knowing the fact she has a problem, and the reasons for it, try doing something about it that could work. What do you think the doctor will say as the first plan of action ? - deal with her fluid, constipation and fibre intake.
Of course you are up against a big issue here for you with bowel HA, a private anxious daughter for whom bowel habits are an embarrasing thing to discuss - so heres another thought - why not go talk to the pharmascist yourself and see if there are any creams or potions that could help with hemmies and fissures?! Do some research on foods that are good as stool softeners and increasing fibre ? Buy her a flash water bottle and see if you can get her drinking more ?
Rainbow, I want to remind you what you wrote in December, as it is relevant here....
I've posted here a number of times about my continuing worry about my bowels. I have been completely focussed on my bowels for almost 2 and a half years now and I can't imagine ever getting back to normal.
Going to the toilet causes huge anxiety for me and I worry about the size, shape, colour, consistency, frequency every single time I go. Any small sensation in my stomach and I worry that I will have to go to the bathroom. It's got to the point that I try to have a bowel movement multiple times a day if I have even the tiniest sensation. Normally I can manage to pass a stool although usually quite small. Then I start to panic and think that i've gone too many times. I do have ibs and incomplete evacuation can be a part of it, I also have a prolapse, a rectocele, and I know that stool can get caught there but I still panic and find it really difficult to rationalise.
You are, and if you are being truthful you know this, transferring your nearly 3 years of bowel obsession onto your daughter.
If it were my daughter
She is 15, she doesn't want to talk about her bowels, doesn't want to see the doctor, she needs and wants to get on with her exams. Work on improving her fluid and diet BIG TIME and be careful otherwise she will stop telling you things - above all you need to keep the windows of communication wide open. Good grief, when it happened to me as a teenager I didn't even mention it to my parents at all! Yes, I had tiny fissures no doubt and definitely had hemmies, so as you are party to knowing the fact she has a problem, and the reasons for it, try doing something about it that could work. What do you think the doctor will say as the first plan of action ? - deal with her fluid, constipation and fibre intake.
Of course you are up against a big issue here for you with bowel HA, a private anxious daughter for whom bowel habits are an embarrasing thing to discuss - so heres another thought - why not go talk to the pharmascist yourself and see if there are any creams or potions that could help with hemmies and fissures?! Do some research on foods that are good as stool softeners and increasing fibre ? Buy her a flash water bottle and see if you can get her drinking more ?
I'm always telling her to drink more, it falls on deaf ears. She does eat fruit and veg but most likely not enough.
Sometimes I worry about her as she tends to spend most of her time in her bedroom face timing her friends. This is when she seems to be at her happiest. Quite often she seems distracted and quite down, I ask if she's ok, if she has any worries about school/friends/health etc. She always says she's fine and tends to get annoyed with me for asking. She also has an incredibly untidy room. I have 5 kids, she's definitely the worst when it comes to tidying up after herself.
My kids are my life and I just want them to be happy and healthy, just like any other parent. I am trying to rationalise but it's not always easy.
All of this is just part of her being a teenager. It must be incredibly tough for you, though, especially with your anxiety issues.
I decided fairly early on that I didn't want kids because I wouldn't be able to cope with my own anxiety for them - my mother used to take her mental health issues out on me (not saying this is the case here!) and I couldn't bear to do the same to another person.
My kids are my life and I just want them to be happy and healthy, just like any other parent. I am trying to rationalise but it's not always easy.
Of course thats what you want, nobody is doubting your love for your children or how much you care about their welfare. However, everything you have written about her makes her sound like an average teenager to be honest and all behaiours a natural part of finding independence and stretching boundaries. :roflmao:- Happiest when facetiming her friends, extraordinarily messy with a pit of a bedroom, gets annoyed when you keep asking if she is ok, spending most of her time in her bedroom, seems distracted, advice you give falling on deaf ears etc. I remember those years well, they are tough and confusing years, for the parents and the teenager. Your child is changing and you need to try and let her do that. I turned to some books in the end to be honest, as wanted to try and understand the mind of a teenager and make life easier for the family, minimising confrontation and trying to help mine through it. Is she your eldest ?
ankietyjoe
30-04-19, 13:56
Sometimes I worry about her as she tends to spend most of her time in her bedroom face timing her friends. This is when she seems to be at her happiest. Quite often she seems distracted and quite down, I ask if she's ok, if she has any worries about school/friends/health etc. She always says she's fine and tends to get annoyed with me for asking. She also has an incredibly untidy room. I have 5 kids, she's definitely the worst when it comes to tidying up after herself.
My kids are my life and I just want them to be happy and healthy, just like any other parent. I am trying to rationalise but it's not always easy.
You are transferring your own fears and feelings on to her.
She most likely IS happy facetiming her friends in her room, alone. Constantly asking her if she's ok IS probably annoying her.
I have kids too, and I had anxiety too, and when my anxiety started effecting them, I just stopped doing the thing that was effecting them. I feel you need to do the same, hard or not. Just stop doing it.
Rainbow,
HA has been an issue for you since before you even joined the forum 15 years ago. This really is no different than worries you had about your son. (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?33360-so-worried-about-my-son) Bowel fears are your dragon's favorite as evidenced in your post history. That history in and of itself shows where the real issue lies.
(https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?33360-so-worried-about-my-son)
Concerning your daughter, you have two choices. Either let it go as its really not some sinister illness you're fearing or, as she is a minor under your roof, drag her by the coattails to the doctor, get a "Told Ya So" from the gang and piss her off big time.
Hope you finally take the dragon by the horns.
Positive thoughts
Rainbow, I want to remind you what you wrote in December, as it is relevant here....
You are, and if you are being truthful you know this, transferring your nearly 3 years of bowel obsession onto your daughter.
I'm not sure if that's entirely true. Of course i'm concerned that my daughter has been having rectal bleeding, i'm not just making it up, it is actually happening. It's just coincidental that bowel issues are my biggest fear.
All of this is just part of her being a teenager. It must be incredibly tough for you, though, especially with your anxiety issues.
I decided fairly early on that I didn't want kids because I wouldn't be able to cope with my own anxiety for them - my mother used to take her mental health issues out on me (not saying this is the case here!) and I couldn't bear to do the same to another person.
I try so hard to hide my fears from my children. I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through the years of worrying that I have.
I'm sorry, this must be incredibly rough for you. Most of us here have considerable experience with Health Anxiety, though, and how it can distort your perceptions, and from a safe distance it's fairly obvious that this is what's happening here.
Rainbow,
HA has been an issue for you since before you even joined the forum 15 years ago. This really is no different than worries you had about your son. (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?33360-so-worried-about-my-son) Bowel fears are your dragon's favorite as evidenced in your post history. That history in and of itself shows where the real issue lies.
(https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?33360-so-worried-about-my-son)
Concerning your daughter, you have two choices. Either let it go as its really not some sinister illness you're fearing or, as she is a minor under your roof, drag her by the coattails to the doctor, get a "Told Ya So" from the gang and piss her off big time.
Hope you finally take the dragon by the horns.
Positive thoughts
I understand what you're saying and I am trying to remain as calm as possible outwardly but inwards i'm a mess of worry, dark thoughts and fear.
I absolutely respect your replies and suggestions but I simply cannot drag her to the doctor's, It would be physically impossible and she would be highly distressed. It not about not wanting to "piss her off" it's about not damaging her trust in me.
[QUOTE=Carys;1871192]Of course thats what you want, nobody is doubting your love for your children or how much you care about their welfare. However, everything you have written about her makes her sound like an average teenager to be honest and all behaiours a natural part of finding independence and stretching boundaries. :roflmao:- Happiest when facetiming her friends, extraordinarily messy with a pit of a bedroom, gets annoyed when you keep asking if she is ok, spending most of her time in her bedroom, seems distracted, advice you give falling on deaf ears etc. I remember those years well, they are tough and confusing years, for the parents and the teenager. Your child is changing and you need to try and let her do that. I turned to some books in the end to be honest, as wanted to try and understand the mind of a teenager and make life easier for the family, minimising confrontation and trying to help mine through it.
She is my second youngest. My eldest is 34, and I have another 3 aged 32, 27 and 12.
I understand what you're saying and I am trying to remain as calm as possible outwardly but inwards i'm a mess of worry, dark thoughts and fear.
I absolutely respect your replies and suggestions but I simply cannot drag her to the doctor's, It would be physically impossible and she would be highly distressed. It not about not wanting to "piss her off" it's about not damaging her trust in me.
I hear you. I'm just pointing out and you affirmed its you that has the issue and have had it for a long time. As others have said, your daughter sounds like a perfectly normal teenager (been there, done that). At worst, she has a hemmie or fissure (teens typically eat like shit). You're projecting your fears onto her as you did your son. As parents we all worry about our children, that's part of being a parent, but when it consumes you, it becomes an issue that needs addressing. My statement about dragging her to the doctor was meant to point out the the extreme knowing you wouldn't do it as it would cause more issues.
The point is Tracey, you have to get some help for yourself to help you deal better with the fears that permeate your mind and affect those around you.
Positive thoughts
ankietyjoe
01-05-19, 15:45
I'm not sure if that's entirely true. Of course i'm concerned that my daughter has been having rectal bleeding, i'm not just making it up, it is actually happening. It's just coincidental that bowel issues are my biggest fear.
Nobody is implying you're making anything up. But, do you want your biggest fear to become hers too? Do you want her to end up the way you are now?
If you do, carry on with what you're doing.
If you don't, keep it to yourself and/or let it go.
utrocket09
01-05-19, 20:53
I'm not sure if that's entirely true. Of course i'm concerned that my daughter has been having rectal bleeding, i'm not just making it up, it is actually happening. It's just coincidental that bowel issues are my biggest fear.
I don't think it is a coincidence at all. Your daughter is having some minor bleeding, that magically is connected your fear of bowel issues.
You are making a huge, if not impossible leap to 2 things that are not often related. Plenty of people have rectal bleeding and it resolves itself with home care.
I hear you. I'm just pointing out and you affirmed its you that has the issue and have had it for a long time. As others have said, your daughter sounds like a perfectly normal teenager (been there, done that). At worst, she has a hemmie or fissure (teens typically eat like shit). You're projecting your fears onto her as you did your son. As parents we all worry about our children, that's part of being a parent, but when it consumes you, it becomes an issue that needs addressing. My statement about dragging her to the doctor was meant to point out the the extreme knowing you wouldn't do it as it would cause more issues.
The point is Tracey, you have to get some help for yourself to help you deal better with the fears that permeate your mind and affect those around you.
Positive thoughts
I haven't said anything else to her about it since Saturday and she hasn't mentioned it to me. So, I don't know if it's still ongoing or not. She's right in the middle of her exams atm so I really can't bring it up with her.
I have tried to help myself but I had to stop seeing my therapist as she was actually making me feel worse.
Unfortunately, healing is a process - therapy can be stressful and painful. If you're really struggling to build a rapport with your therapist, though, it might be worth investigating finding another.
Unfortunately, healing is a process - therapy can be stressful and painful. If you're really struggling to build a rapport with your therapist, though, it might be worth investigating finding another.
I'm not sure how easy that would be considering I gave up on my last therapist. I honestly think this is my life now and I can't see how it can change. I really do, for the most part manage to keep an outward appearance of happiness and contentment.
On a brighter note, I passed my theory test today and have booked my practical test. I decided to learn to drive at the age of 52 because my 12 year old son has bad anxiety surrounding school and leaving me. He's waiting on an assessment for autism. He starts secondary school in august and i'm determined to have passed my test by then so I can drive him to school.
Oh, congratulations! That's huge - I've never managed it myself.
Oh, congratulations! That's huge - I've never managed it myself.
Thank you.
Unfortunately my happy mood has taken a massive nosedive. I was reading other posts on here and came across one from a couple of years ago written by a 16 year old girl. She had done a fobt test which came back positive for blood. She had a colonoscopy that was clear but as she was still worried so had another one. It showed that she had a flat lesion that had to be removed. There are no recent updates so I don't know the outcome.
And of course, I googled and came up with the information that flat lesions are more likely to develop into cancer. Now I am quietly freaking out while trying to organise tea and get ready for work.
How do I deal with this new information without totally breaking down?
The easiest way is not to Google in the first place.
As it is, though, you're displaying a lot of classic health anxiety behaviours - specifically, the catastrophising. It's vanishingly unlikely that there's anything wrong with your daughter, if you look at the statistics. The world is full of dangerous things, it's just that this is the danger you're focusing on, regardless of how implausible it is.
It's tough, but you have to learn to accept uncertainty and live with the fact that much of life is beyond our control.
The easiest way is not to Google in the first place.
As it is, though, you're displaying a lot of classic health anxiety behaviours - specifically, the catastrophising. It's vanishingly unlikely that there's anything wrong with your daughter, if you look at the statistics. The world is full of dangerous things, it's just that this is the danger you're focusing on, regardless of how implausible it is.
It's tough, but you have to learn to accept uncertainty and live with the fact that much of life is beyond our control.
Thank you, it really is hard living like this. I'm so tired of it. I don't know if my daughter is still having the bleeding and I don't want to ask her because she gets so stressed when I raise the subject and it all escalates very quickly no matter how calm I am.
I honestly don't want to distress her in the middle of her exams as she is stressing enough about studying. She's incredibly clever and talented and has great potential and these exams are crucial for her future.
The statistics are 6 girls in her age group get bowel cancer per year in Scotland, I think it works out about 20 in a million.
And how many do you think are harmed by alcohol, or vehicle accidents, or sports?
And how many do you think are harmed by alcohol, or vehicle accidents, or sports?
Probably a bit more but this is not the same, she has an ongoing symptom. I understand your point though.
It's tough, but you have to learn to accept uncertainty and live with the fact that much of life is beyond our control.
And we have to accept the reality that some people will suffer with their mental illness regardless of what's said here or done in real life.
The statistics are 6 girls in her age group get bowel cancer per year in Scotland, I think it works out about 20 in a million.
The dragon has the best survival skills claws doesn't it?
Positive thoughts
And we have to accept the reality that some people will suffer with their mental illness regardless of what's said here or done in real life.
The dragon has the best survival skills claws doesn't it?
Positive thoughts
Sorry did'nt quite understand your last comment regarding my post about the statistics.
Sorry did'nt quite understand your last comment regarding my post about the statistics.
It seemed that you were using that statistic to keep the fear alive as opposed to putting it to rest. Regardless, the fact is, anything, anytime, can happen to us. I know about statistics as my cancer was rare to begin with and my case was a 1-2 out of 100 of those. My wife's illness even rarer. As BlueIris said, its learning to accept uncertainty and embrace the hear and now that is key. Living in constant fear is truly not living.
You've been suffering for a long time. I just hope that someday you find peace.
Positive thoughts
It seemed that you were using that statistic to keep the fear alive as opposed to putting it to rest. Regardless, the fact is, anything, anytime, can happen to us. I know about statistics as my cancer was begin with and my case was a 1-2 out of 100 of those. My wife's illness even rarer. As BlueIris said, its learning to accept uncertainty and embrace the hear and now that is key. Living in constant fear is truly not living.
You've been suffering for a long time. I just hope that someday you find peace.
Positive thoughts
The issue is it's not really living with uncertainty, it's the fact that my daughter has this issue that's ongoing and I can't get her to talk to me about it, let alone see a dr. What am I supposed to do about that? How can I stop worrying about this?
I was once told by a therapist a few years ago that the anxiety wouldn't go away completely, I would have to learn how to live with it.
The issue is the uncertainty, though, otherwise you wouldn't be driving yourself half crazy over an incredibly remote possibility.
The issue is the uncertainty, though, otherwise you wouldn't be driving yourself half crazy over an incredibly remote possibility.
That's true but I just want her to agree to go to the doctor. The thoughts running through my head are awful, I don't get a minutes peace from them. I'm tired and worn down with living like this. I love life but it's a constant struggle just now and some days I just feel like giving up and not facing the day ahead, today is one of those days.
You need to deal with the thoughts, not with your daughter. You can't change her, but you can change yourself - if you can get a handle on this it may be easier for her to approach you with these things, anyway.
You need to deal with the thoughts, not with your daughter. You can't change her, but you can change yourself - if you can get a handle on this it may be easier for her to approach you with these things, anyway.
I don't know how to deal with the thoughts though, they flood my mind.
You need to find a therapist you can work with, or a good online CBT programme you can stick to. It's something you have to work hard at.
It's tough, and it's not fair, but it's a lot better than the alternative.
That's true but I just want her to agree to go to the doctor.
I think you should honestly be working on the things about her diet that have been discussed first - work on what you CAN do from home to improve her bowel situation. That she might agree to at this point?
You need to find a therapist you can work with, or a good online CBT programme you can stick to. It's something you have to work hard at.
It's tough, and it's not fair, but it's a lot better than the alternative.
I'll rey to find a way to help myself. Having an extremely bad day today, feeling incredibly low. My son has trouble sleeping and was still awake after 2 this morning so have kept him home from school. I've also called in sick to work, I can't cope with dealing with rude customers today.
What line of work are you in? I totally get where you're coming from on this one.
I think you should honestly be working on the things about her diet that have been discussed first - work on what you CAN do from home to improve her bowel situation. That she might agree to at this point?
I am constantly telling her that she needs to drink more but she does for a day or two then it's back to square one again.
What line of work are you in? I totally get where you're coming from on this one.
I work on a checkout in asda. I actually love my job but it's hard to keep smiling and chatting when you feel so anxious and down. For the most part my job has been a good distraction this last 2 and a half years but moral in the store is very low, lots of cutbacks and complaining customers. I've worked there for 27 years and a manager recently told me that we are all just numbers now. I've been feeling lately that i'd like to get into the care sector, specifically mental health as every one of my kids are affected by some form of mental health issue. There's a strong history of issues on my mother's side of the family.
I get you, completely. A good part of my job is frontline customer service and it can get very tiring when the anxiety's screaming at you in the back of your mind.
ankietyjoe
03-05-19, 11:49
I don't know how to deal with the thoughts though, they flood my mind.
Stop looking stuff up. Just stop doing it. Don't check statistics and don't check symptoms. That's where you start. Do that for a month and THEN see how much less your mind is flooded.
In most respects people with HA are their own worst enemy.
Stop looking stuff up. Just stop doing it. Don't check statistics and don't check symptoms. That's where you start. Do that for a month and THEN see how much less your mind is flooded.
In most respects people with HA are their own worst enemy.
Brilliant advice. A couple of days back I lapsed and spent maybe half an hour on Google. Two days later and I'm finally getting back to myself again, although the physical anxiety symptoms are still with me.
Don't look things up - if something genuinely worrying happens, you'll know.
Stop looking stuff up. Just stop doing it. Don't check statistics and don't check symptoms. That's where you start. Do that for a month and THEN see how much less your mind is flooded.
In most respects people with HA are their own worst enemy.
Believe me if it was that easy then I would stop! The urge to google sometimes is so strong.
It's not that easy, no.
The point is that you have to do it, even though it's really hard. Otherwise you'll risk jeopardising your relationships with the people you care about.
ankietyjoe
03-05-19, 15:06
Believe me if it was that easy then I would stop! The urge to google sometimes is so strong.
Nobody said it was easy, but it's what you have to do nevertheless.
If you Google, you will suffer. There is no way around that, period. If you check symptoms, you will suffer.
I did it and so did lots of other people. Make the choice, then stop.
Believe me if it was that easy then I would stop! The urge to google sometimes is so strong.
Do you have a partner, friend or relative that can help you? I ask because there are browser add ons for parental control that can be set to block sites, keywords etc. You could have it set up to limit access to medical sites and password protected (that someone else can set) so you can't in. I know a cold-turkey approach may not suit everyone but Googling is like a drug addiction and sometimes intervention is needed to save an addict.
Positive thoughts
Brilliant advice. A couple of days back I lapsed and spent maybe half an hour on Google. Two days later and I'm finally getting back to myself again, although the physical anxiety symptoms are still with me.
Don't look things up - if something genuinely worrying happens, you'll know.
You're saying if something genuinely worrying happens i'll know, so that means just wait and see what happens but what if seeing a doctor could prevent something from happening? I want to force her to go to the doctor but I know if I try to do that I will cause a lot of damage to our relationship.
Do you have a partner, friend or relative that can help you? I ask because there are browser add ons for parental control that can be set to block sites, keywords etc. You could have it set up to limit access to medical sites and password protected (that someone else can set) so you can't in. I know a cold-turkey approach may not suit everyone but Googling is like a drug addiction and sometimes intervention is needed to save an addict.
Positive thoughts
I could ask my partner to do that for me, if he can figure out how to do it! I agree that googling is like an addiction. I just want be normal.
I keep getting waves of anxiety, I feel like my body is trembling on the inside. Is this an anxiety symptom, it's a new one to me if it is. Also, finding it difficult to not look at statistics, my head is full of numbers. It's driving me crazy.
ankietyjoe
04-05-19, 16:34
Yes it's a symptom of anxiety. A very common one, and is due to adrenaline.
Go out for a walk. It'll burn off the adrenaline AND stop you looking up meaningless numbers.
Two birds, one stone.
utrocket09
04-05-19, 18:30
Thank you.
Unfortunately my happy mood has taken a massive nosedive. I was reading other posts on here and came across one from a couple of years ago written by a 16 year old girl. She had done a fobt test which came back positive for blood. She had a colonoscopy that was clear but as she was still worried so had another one. It showed that she had a flat lesion that had to be removed. There are no recent updates so I don't know the outcome.
And of course, I googled and came up with the information that flat lesions are more likely to develop into cancer. Now I am quietly freaking out while trying to organise tea and get ready for work.
How do I deal with this new information without totally breaking down?
YOU STOP GOOGLING, there is your answer. If your daughter was actually ill, she would have had other symptoms.
YOU STOP GOOGLING, there is your answer. If your daughter was actually ill, she would have had other symptoms.
That's maybe true but it's not normal to have bleeding after every bowel movement for over a week.
If you have a fissure, yes, it can be.
What are you doing to work on your anxiety?
If you have even slightly cut the inside of your bum hole, even slightly, with a sharp hard stool....then if the stools continue to be hard and dry...what do you think the outcome would be? Exactly what you describe !
If you have a fissure, yes, it can be.
What are you doing to work on your anxiety?
I don't actually know what to do to work on my anxiety, I just push through every day.
If you have even slightly cut the inside of your bum hole, even slightly, with a sharp hard stool....then if the stools continue to be hard and dry...what do you think the outcome would be? Exactly what you describe !
I know it makes sense, but you know......that little anxiety voice!!
You could see your GP about this, you could make arrangements to see a therapist privately, you could use some of the great online resources available on this site.
The unfortunate thing about anxiety is that there isn't a magic solution - overcoming it takes self-awareness, hard work and diligence. I'm not pretending I'm there yet, but I'm closer than I've been in the past because when I slide into my old self-destructive ways I generally have the sense to stop and wait out the terrified feelings they bring on.
You keep telling us that it's not that easy, but that's kind of the point. It's very hard, yes, but that doesn't make it any the less worthwhile. If you can accept that your problem is your faulty thinking patterns and then start to put the time and effort in working on those, eventually the sickening fear will start to subside. For what it's worth, I've had a few stumbles this week but I've been able to pull myself out of the quicksand again, just about. If you start accepting the real nature of your problem, then I have every confidence that you'll be able to do the same.
ankietyjoe
05-05-19, 23:44
I don't actually know what to do to work on my anxiety, I just push through every day.
Well yes, you do. You've been told in this thread multiple times, but.....
I know it makes sense, but you know......that little anxiety voice!!
You say 'but' a lot.
I don't actually know what to do to work on my anxiety, I just push through every day.
It's been suggested you download the FREE CBT (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?211324-9-FREE-CBT-ebooks-for-Health-Anxiety) course. Have you done that?
Positive thoughts
They are right Rainbow, in the posts above after your last one. You do say 'but' a lot and say how 'hard it is' to deal with the anxiety. It IS hard, but its worth it.
They are right Rainbow, in the posts above after your last one. You do say 'but' a lot and say how 'hard it is' to deal with the anxiety. It IS hard, but its worth it.
I know everyone means well and i'm grateful for all the input. I will try the free cbt course, I do want to get better.
I want to explain a bit why I think I am the way I am. My mum and dad separated when I was about 9 year old, my sister and myself stayed with my dad as my mum deemed him to be the better parent, she was right. It was almost a relief when they split as they argued constantly.
My dad had ms but struggled on working while raising us until it was impossible to continue working. I was an extremely anxious and painfully shy child and found it hard to make friends. I had my first child when I was 18 and my second when I was almost 20. My relationship with their father was volatile and destructive. He went back to his home country of Iraq when my youngest child was 7 months old. It broke my heart.
I met and eventually married a lovely man after a few years, we tried for a child but I suffered 2 miscarriages where the babies had to be removed from my womb. There was a query that it could have been a molar pregnancy which can be connected to cancer. (I think this where my cancer fear started) I had to send off urine samples every week to be tested for hormones. I finally became pregnant again and everything was fine. When I was about 34 weeks pregnant my dad had a heart attack and was in hospital for about 3 weeks, a week after my dad's heart attack my mum mum had a massive stroke, after a few days she died. She was 46 years old, she had been so excited about getting to meet her new granddaughter. I went into labour early not long after my mum died.
My dad recovered from his heart attack and life just carried on. My two neices came to live with me as their mother's boyfriend had been physically abusive to them and she chose to stay with him and give up her girls. I was living in a two bedroom house with 5 kids while working and caring for my dad.
My son had behavioural issues from about 1year old. He had violent outburst, would wreck his room, lash out at me and the rest of the family, bit nursery staff. It was horrendous. He was referred to child psychology but was never diagnosed with anything. I'm 100% certain it was ADHD. He was excluded from school a number of times. At the age of 15 he threw himself in front of a bus outside his school, I was informed and we were taken to a voluntary psychiatric unit. He was on suicide watch for a few days until he ran away, eventually after hours of trying to contact him we managed to get him home. Over the next few years he overdosed on paracetamol a number of times and cut himself many times, varying from fairly minor to very severe where he almost died through loss of blood, he had cut down to the bone in his arm. His body is now covered in hundreds of scars. He would send me photos of the wounds after he had just cut. He tore me apart on facebook because I wouldn't go running to him every single time. He did the same to family members and caused a huge rift in our family. This culminated in him being sent to prison for 3 months. While being transported from one police station to another he bit the tops of three of his fingers off. His time in prison was awful for him, he's gay and the other inmates gave him a really tough time over that. He was beat up in his cell. He has been diagnosed with BPD, emotionally unstable personality disorder, with narcissistic traits. He is addicted to prescription drugs and gambling and at the age of 33 is unable to work and has no real quality of life.
My eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and autism, she also has BPD. I had tool look after her son for a year when he was 4 year old as she was unable to do so. Now after therapy and determination on her part she is an amazing mother of two. My 27 year old has anxiety and severe OCD which pretty much rules her life. She has 2 children and is also a wonderful mother. She had a really abusive relationship with the father of her eldest child as he is an alcoholic. We had to rescue her from many situations over the years. My 15 has anxiety but is handling it very well, she is an amazingly talented young lady who excels at art and drama at school. My 12 year old has bad anxiety and he's off school far too much, his attendance rate is about 60%. I am working with the school to improve this and we are waiting for him to be assessed for autism.
Finally, my relationship is in a very bad state. My partner has problems with his temper and has over the years punched holes in walls, driven erratically with me in the car if we've had an argument, thrown things around the house and pretty much caused fear and anxiety. He blames his behaviour on a head injury after being knocked down by a van when he was 21. He has a really nice and caring side to him and would do anything for anyone. He has supported me through all of my son's problems. I don't think I can stay in this relationship for much longer. We have been together for 18 years but I can't take much more.
My dad died 14 years ago and I miss him every single day of life, he was my absolute hero.
This isn't about sympathy, it's just to try and explain how things have been over the years. I have managed to cope with all these things for so long but I feel completely depleted of the strength to keep on bouncing back.
Sorry this is so long, I think I really needed to get it all down.
I know you don't want an outpouring of sympathy but I'm sorry you've been the victim of so much misfortune and suffering. It does help to explain the way you are today but you also now have the opportunity to move on with your life and find the peace you deserve.
Keep working on your anxiety and stress levels as you have focused for far too long on others while neglecting yourself. This should be your time now but you obviously have a difficult road ahead and I would urge you to get help and advice from all relevant mental health and other support services/agencies.
ankietyjoe
06-05-19, 13:59
I know you don't want an outpouring of sympathy but I'm sorry you've been the victim of so much misfortune and suffering. It does help to explain the way you are today but you also now have the opportunity to move on with your life and find the peace you deserve.
Keep working on your anxiety and stress levels as you have focused for far too long on others while neglecting yourself. This should be your time now but you obviously have a difficult road ahead and I would urge you to get help and advice from all relevant mental health and other support services/agencies.
I second this. I have known plenty of people who's lives have followed similar paths, and I currently care for my partner who is incredibly ill, my Dad and Uncle have cancer (likely to be hereditary) and more that I'm not going to mention here. It's just the way life is for a lot of people.
What I'm getting from you is that you want to validate your reasons for carrying on with the self destructive behaviour (checking, googling) etc, but also recover at the same time. It's not possible. It's like trying to lose weight but still eat cake or cure lung cancer but still carry on smoking.
If you don't stop the checking, your suffering will not stop, ever.
What I'm getting from you is that you want to validate your reasons for carrying on with the self destructive behaviour (checking, googling) etc, but also recover at the same time. It's not possible. It's like trying to lose weight but still eat cake or cure lung cancer but still carry on smoking.
That's it in a nutshell. The post is something a kin to what would be said in a therapy session. We all have our ghosts in the closet, it's how we deal with them that makes or breaks us.
"Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we handle it." - Charles Swindoll
Positive thoughts
I know you don't want an outpouring of sympathy but I'm sorry you've been the victim of so much misfortune and suffering. It does help to explain the way you are today but you also now have the opportunity to move on with your life and find the peace you deserve.
Keep working on your anxiety and stress levels as you have focused for far too long on others while neglecting yourself. This should be your time now but you obviously have a difficult road ahead and I would urge you to get help and advice from all relevant mental health and other support services/agencies.
Thank you, I am going to ask to be referred back to cbt.
Have been away from the PC all day, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am you've had such a bad time. I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you can find some inner peace.
I second this. I have known plenty of people who's lives have followed similar paths, and I currently care for my partner who is incredibly ill, my Dad and Uncle have cancer (likely to be hereditary) and more that I'm not going to mention here. It's just the way life is for a lot of people.
What I'm getting from you is that you want to validate your reasons for carrying on with the self destructive behaviour (checking, googling) etc, but also recover at the same time. It's not possible. It's like trying to lose weight but still eat cake or cure lung cancer but still carry on smoking.
If you don't stop the checking, your suffering will not stop, ever.
I'm sorry you have so much to deal with, must be so difficult to cope with.
Not sure that i'm wanting to validate anything, more just to explain why I might not be coping as well as I should be. In my defence, I don't google as much as I used to and have been functioning a lot better in the last few months. I'm well aware that life is full of challenges and I think i've coped pretty well over the years.
I also wasn't trying to make out that my life is worse than anyone else's, but for me it's been pretty challenging.
That's it in a nutshell. The post is something a kin to what would be said in a therapy session. We all have our ghosts in the closet, it's how we deal with them that makes or breaks us.
"Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we handle it." - Charles Swindoll
Positive thoughts
I think i've coped pretty well with the challenges in my life. I'm worn out now.
Have been away from the PC all day, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am you've had such a bad time. I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you can find some inner peace.
Thank you, all I want is happiness for myself and my children. I know I need to seek help for my anxiety and will do so. I honestly value everyone's advice and appreciate it greatly.
I think i've coped pretty well with the challenges in my life. I'm worn out now.
I hear you and in no way, shape or form have I said or implied you've not coped. It is obviously affecting you profoundly at the moment. Like I said, we all have ghosts in our closets and life challenges. It's not easy and no one said it was. Personally, when I'm challenged by my ghosts and life circumstances, I try my best to live by the quote in my post and signature. What other choice do we have? There are no magic words, just inner fortitude and determination and of course....
Positive thoughts
I think you have coped with the various challenges in life, of which there have been many (by the way are the two younger children you still have with you, your two nieces?). As you rightly point out, for some people they manage to keep going for a long time before reaching breaking point, but once that breaking point comes - SOMETHING has to change. You don't just have a responsibility to your children, but also a responsibility to yourself to be as happy as you can be in life. Certainly your relationship sounds somewhat toxic, but besides that there is a lot of turbulence, chaos, hardship and unhappiness going on and A LOT of things clearly still weighing on your mind from the past, and fears for the future. It is no wonder you are finding that focusing on sorting out your HA is something you can't find the energy for. You know what though - maybe the skills you learnt through trying that could help you in other aspects of your life; Coping strategies, differents ways of thinking about situations. This could have a positive impact on your own whole family. You have clearly reached the point of listing off everything negative that has ever happened - it has heaped up in your head and become something that is insurmountable. So....
Is there any way you could persuade your GP to refer you for counselling (as well as try the free CBT)?
I hear you and in no way, shape or form have I said or implied you've not coped. It is obviously affecting you profoundly at the moment. Like I said, we all have ghosts in our closets and life challenges. It's not easy and no one said it was. Personally, when I'm challenged by my ghosts and life circumstances, I try my best to live by the quote in my post and signature. What other choice do we have? There are no magic words, just inner fortitude and determination and of course....
Positive thoughts
I understand that you haven't said that I haven't coped. I also get what you say about us all having ghosts in our closet and I appreciate that a lot of people have had much tougher lifes than me. I am trying to get better but it is definitely an uphill struggle.
I think you have coped with the various challenges in life, of which there have been many (by the way are the two younger children you still have with you, your two nieces?). As you rightly point out, for some people they manage to keep going for a long time before reaching breaking point, but once that breaking point comes - SOMETHING has to change. You don't just have a responsibility to your children, but also a responsibility to yourself to be as happy as you can be in life. Certainly your relationship sounds somewhat toxic, but besides that there is a lot of turbulence, chaos, hardship and unhappiness going on and A LOT of things clearly still weighing on your mind from the past, and fears for the future. It is no wonder you are finding that focusing on sorting out your HA is something you can't find the energy for. You know what though - maybe the skills you learnt through trying that could help you in other aspects of your life; Coping strategies, differents ways of thinking about situations. This could have a positive impact on your own whole family. You have clearly reached the point of listing off everything negative that has ever happened - it has heaped up in your head and become something that is insurmountable. So....
Is there any way you could persuade your GP to refer you for counselling (as well as try the free CBT)?
The two younger children are mine. I had my neices in 1998 when they were 5 and 18 months. I had them for over a year, there were foster carers who would take them at the weekends to give us some respite.
I am emotionally exhausted, too much to deal with for too long.
It's hardly surprising you're struggling, under the circumstances.
What you need to do now, though, is ask for the help you deserve.
It's hardly surprising you're struggling, under the circumstances.
What you need to do now, though, is ask for the help you deserve.
I will try to access some help although I struggle to go to the doctor as have developed phobia of doctors. I used to be the opposite and was never away from the doctor.
I'm phobic, too - I once went 12 years without seeing a GP. I know it's tough, but a good therapist and maybe a course of meds can make life so much happier.
Some counties let you 'self refer' via various routes (without seeing a GP)...heres an NHS link, further down the page it says 'psychological therapies in your area'. Might be worth a look, but don't know how useful it is ?
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/
I'm phobic, too - I once went 12 years without seeing a GP. I know it's tough, but a good therapist and maybe a course of meds can make life so much happier.
That's a long time! I have been on antidepressants for nearly 15 years. How long have you had HA for?
Some counties let you 'self refer' via various routes (without seeing a GP)...heres an NHS link, further down the page it says 'psychological therapies in your area'. Might be worth a look, but don't know how useful it is ?
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/
I'm in Scotland and as far as I know we can't self refer for this. The last time I asked to be referred it took many months to get an appointment, and I only saw her once every 4-6 weeks and I found the whole experience to be very negative and unhelpful.
Definitely since my teens, but my mental health issues have gone on longer than that. I have a distinct memory of being about six and telling my grandmother about suicidal thoughts.
I've only occasionally been on antidepressants, but I'm really getting on with this course of citalopram - just a bit angry with myself as I have a lot going on right now and I can feel the general anxiety creeping back in.
I'm in Scotland and as far as I know we can't self refer for this.
Ok.
Definitely since my teens, but my mental health issues have gone on longer than that. I have a distinct memory of being about six and telling my grandmother about suicidal thoughts.
I've only occasionally been on antidepressants, but I'm really getting on with this course of citalopram - just a bit angry with myself as I have a lot going on right now and I can feel the general anxiety creeping back in.
That's such a long time to be suffering with anxiety. How awful to have suicidal thoughts at such a young age.
Good to hear that the citalopram is working. Don't be angry with yourself, it's so hard to fight the anxiety when things are especially tough. I hope things start to improve for you soon.
Thanks for the kind words, Rainbow, I really appreciate them. I think I've been lucky this time and that it was just life events exacerbated by the usual hormonal fluctuations this morning - I'm feeling a lot better.
How are you holding up?
Thanks for the kind words, Rainbow, I really appreciate them. I think I've been lucky this time and that it was just life events exacerbated by the usual hormonal fluctuations this morning - I'm feeling a lot better.
How are you holding up?
So pleased that you're feeling better today. Since perimenopause/menopause my anxiety has been much worse. I'm not too bad today but yesterday wasn't great, my stomach was playing up so I had to work hard not to give into the dark thoughts.
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